Kilo 


Kilo 


BEING     THE     LOVE     STORY 

OF     ELIPH'     HEWLITT 

BOOK     AGENT 

BY 

ELLIS    PARKER    BUTLER 

AUTHOR  OF   PIGS   IS   PIGS 


New  York 

GROSSET   &   DUNLAP 
Publishers 


Copyright,  1907,  by  The  McCture  Company 

Published,  October,   1907 


Copyright,  1905,  by  Ess  Ess  Publishing  Company 

Copyright,  1906,  by  The  Crowell  Publishing  Company 

Copyright,  1905,  by  The  Curtis  Publishing  Company 

Copyright,  1900,  1901,  by  The  Century  Company 


CONTENTS 

CHAPTER  PAGE 

I.  ELIPH'  HEWLITT     .      .     ^     .      .      .      • 

II.  SUSAN 12 

III.  "  How  TO  WIN  THE  AFFECTIONS  "     .      .  27 

IV.  KILO ,     .      .  44 

V.  SAMMY  MILLS     .     ...    ...     .....  59 

VI.  THE  CASTAWAY  ........  80 

VII.  THE  COLONEL    .     ...     .      .      .     -     .      .  97 

VIII.  THE  MEDIUM-SIZED  Box     .....  103 

IX.  THE  WITNESS ,     ...  115 

X.  THE  Boss  GRAFTER 125 

XI.  THE  FALSE  GODS  OF  Doc  WEAVER     .      .  145 

XII.  GETTING  ACQUAINTED »  177 

XIII.  "SECOND:  A  SMALL  PRESENT"     .      .      .  190 

XIV.  SOMETHING  TURNS  UP        .....  200 

XV.  DIFFICULTIES       .....     ••<     ••<     •  214 

XVI.  Two  LOVERS,  AND  A  THIRD     ....  226 

XVII.  ACCORDING  TO  JARBY'S        .      .     ;.      .      .  238 

XVIII.  ANOTHER  TRIAL       .......  252 

XIX.  PAP  BRIGGS'  HEN  FOOD                 ...  268 


912804 


KILO 


CHAPTER    I 
ELIPH'    HEWLITT 

HEWLITT,  book  agent,  seated  in  his 
weather-beaten  top  buggy,  drove  his  horse,  Irontail, 
carefully  along  the  rough  Iowa  hi1!  road  that  leads 
from  Jefferson  to  Clarence.  The  horse,  a  rusty 
gray,  tottered  in  a  loose- jointed  manner  from  side 
to  side  of  the  road,  half  asleep  in  the  sun,  and  was  in 
dolent  in  every  muscle  of  his  body,  except  his  tail, 
which  thrashed  violently  at  the  flies.  Eliph'  Hewlitt 
drove  with  his  hands  held  high,  almost  on  a  level 
with  his  sandy  whiskers,  for  he  was  well  acquainted 
with  Irontail. 

The  road  seemed  to  pass  through  a  region  of 
large  farms,  offering  few  opportunities  for  selling 
books,  the  houses  being  so  far  apart,  but  Eliph' 
knew  the  small  settlement  of  Clarence  was  a  few 
miles  farther  on,  and  he  was  carrying  enlightenment 
to  the  benighted.  He  glowed  with  missionary  zeal. 
In  his  eagerness  he  thoughtlessly  slapped  the  reins 
on  the  back  of  Irontail. 

Instantly  the  plump,  gray  tail  of  the  horse  flashed 
over  the  rein  and  clamped  it  fast.  Eliph'  Hewlitt 
leaned  over  the  dashboard  of  his  buggy  and  grasped 


4      :•         \/:\.\.   ]KILO 

tJje-.  :hstir;pf. -the  tail  firmly.  He  pulled  it  upward 
with 'ail*  His'  stfe'rfg'thj '  but  the  tail  did  not  yield.  In 
stead,  Irontail  kicked  vigorously.  Eliph'  Hewlitt, 
knowing  his  horse  as  well  as  he  knew  human  nature, 
climbed  out  of  the  buggy,  and  taking  the  rein  close 
by  the  bit  led  Irontail  to  the  side  of  the  road.  Then 
he  took  from  beneath  the  buggy  seat  a  bulky,  oil 
cloth-wrapped  parcel  and  seated  himself  near  the 
horse's  head.  There  was  no  safety  for  a  timid  driver 
when  Irontail  had  thus  assumed  command  of  the  rein. 
There  was  no  way  to  get  a  rein  from  beneath  that 
tail  but  to  ignore  it.  In  an  hour  or  so  Irontail  would 
grow  forgetful,  carelessly  begin  flapping  flies,  and 
release  the  rein  himself. 

Eliph'  Hewlitt  unwrapped  the  oilcloth  from  the 
object  it  enfolded.  It  was  a  book.  It  was  Jarby's 
'  Encyclopedia  of  Knowledge  and  Compendium  of 
Literature,  Science  and  Art,  Comprising  Useful 
Information  on  One  Thousand  and  One  Subjects,  In 
cluding  A  History  of  The  World,  the  Lives  of  All 
Famous  Men,  Quotations  From  The  World's  Great 
Authors,  One  Thousand  and  One  Recipes,  Et  Cetera.' 
One  Volume,  five  dollars  bound  in  cloth ;  seven  fifty  in 
morocco.  Eliph'  Hewlitt  passed  his  hand  affection 
ately  over  the  gilt-stamped  cover,  and  then  opened  it 
at  random  and  read. 


ELIPH'     HEWLITT  5 

For  years  he  had  been  reading  Jarby's  Encyclo 
pedia,  and  among  its  ten  thousand  and  one  subjects 
he  always  found  something  new.  It  opened  now  at 
"  Courtship — How  to  Make  Love — How  to  Win  the 
Affections— How  to  Hold  Them  When  Won,"  and 
although  he  had  read  the  pages  often  before,  he 
found  in  all  parts  of  the  book,  whenever  he  read  it, 
a  new  meaning.  It  occurred  to  him  that  even  a  book 
agent  might  have  reason  to  use  the  helpful  words 
set  forth  in  clear  type  in  the  chapter  on  "  Courtship 
— How  to  Make  Love,"  and  he  realized  that  some 
time  he  must  reach  the  age  when  he  would  need  a 
home  of  his  own.  For  years  he  had  thought  of 
woman  only  as  a  possible  customer  for  Jarby's  En 
cyclopedia.  Every  woman,  not  already  married,  he 
now  saw,  might  be  a  possible  Mrs.  Eliph'  Hewlitt. 

Suddenly  he  raised  his  head.  On  the  breeze  there 
was  borne  to  him  the  sound  of  voices — many  voices. 
He  closed  the  book  with  a  bang.  His  small  body  be 
came  tense;  his  eyes  glittered.  He  scented  prey.  He 
wrapped  the  book  in  its  oilcloth,  laid  it  upon  the 
buggy  seat,  and  taking  Irontail  by  the  bridle,  started 
in  the  direction  of  the  voices. 

Half  a  mile  down  the  road  he  came  upon  a  scene 
of  merriment.  In  a  cleared  grove  men,  women  and 
children  were  gathered;  it  was  a  church  picnic. 


6  KILO 

Eliph'  Hewlitt  took  his  hitching  strap  from  beneath 
the  buggy  seat  and  secured  Irontail  to  a  tree. 

"  Church  picnic,"  he  said  to  himself ;  "  one,  two, 
sixteen,  twenty-four,  and  the  minister.  Good  for 
twelve  copies  of  Jarby's  Encyclopedia  or  I'm  no 
good  myself.  I  love  church  picnics.  What  so  lovely 
as  to  see  the  pastor  and  his  flock  gathered  together 
in  a  bunch,  as  I  may  say,  like  ten-pins,  ready  to  be 
scooped  in,  all  at  one  shot?" 

He  walked  up  to  the  rail  fence  and  leaned  against 
it  so  that  he  might  be  seen  and  invited  in.  It  was 
better  policy  than  pushing  himself  forward,  and  it 
gave  him  time  to  study  the  faces.  He  did  not  find 
them  hopeful  subjects.  They  were  not  the  faces  of 
readers.  They  were  not  even  the  faces  of  buyers. 
Even  in  their  holiday  finery,  the  women  were  shabby 
and  the  men  were  careworn.  The  minister  himself, 
white-bearded  and  gray-haired,  showed  more  signs 
of  spiritual  grace  than  intellectual  strength. 

One  woman,  fresh  and  bright  as  a  butterfly,  ap 
peared  among  them,  and  Eliph'  Hewlitt  knew  her  at 
once  as  a  city  dweller,  who  had  somehow  got  into 
this  dull  and  hard-working  community.  Almost  at 
the  same  moment  she  noticed  him,  and  approached 
him.  She  smiled  kindly  and  extended  her  hand. 

"  Won't  you  come  in  ?  "  she  asked.  "  I  don't  seem 


ELIPH'  HEWLITT  7 

to  remember  your  face,  but  we  would  be  glad  to  have 
you  join  us." 

Eliph'  Hewlitt  shook  his  head. 

"  No'm,"  he  said  sadly.  "  I'd  better  not  come  in. 
Not  that  I  don't  want  to,  but  I  wouldn't  be  welcome. 
There  ain't  anything  I  like  so  much  as  church  pic 
nics,  and  when  I  was  a  boy  I  used  to  cry  for  them, 
but  I  wouldn't  dare  join  you.  I'm  a" — he  looked 
around  cautiously,  and  said  in  a  whisper — "  I'm  a 
book  agent." 

The  lady  laughed. 

"  Of  course,"  she  said,  "  that  does  make  a  differ- 
once;  but  you  needn't  be  a  book  agent  to-day.  You 
can  forget  it  for  a  while  and  join  us." 

Eliph'  Hewlitt  shook  his  head  again. 

"That's  it,"  he  said.  "That's  just  the  reason.  I 
can't  forget  it.  I  try  to,  but  I  can't.  Just  when  I 
don't  want  to,  I  break  out,  and  before  I  know  it  I've 
sold  everybody  a  book,  and  then  I  feel  like  I'd  im 
posed  on  good  nature.  They  take  me  in  as  a  friend 
and  then  I  sell  'em  a  copy  of  Jarby's  '  Encyclopedia 
of  Knowledge  and  Compendium  of  Literature,  Sci 
ence  and  Art,'  ten  thousand  and  one  subjects,  from 
A  to  Z,  including  recipes  for  every  known  use,  quo 
tations  from  famous  authors,  lives  of  famous  men, 
and,  in  one  word,  all  the  world's  wisdom  condensed 


8  KILO 

into  one  volume,  five  dollars,  neatly  bound  in  cloth, 

one  dollar  down  and  one  dollar  a  month  until  paid." 

He  paused,  and  the  lady  looked  at  him  with  an 
amused  smile. 

"  Or  seven  fifty,  handsomely  bound  in  morocco," 
he  added.  "  So  you  see  I  don't  feel  like  I  ought  to 
impose.  I  know  how  I  am.  You  take  my  mother  now. 
She  hadn't  seen  me  for  eight  years.  I'd  been  travel 
ing  all  over  these  United  States,  carrying  knowledge 
and  culture  into  the  homes  of  the  people  at  five  dol 
lars,  easy  payments,  per  home,  and  I  got  a  telegram 
saying,  '  Come  home.  Mother  very  ill.' "  He  nodded 
his  head  slowly.  "  Wonderful  invention,  the  tele 
graph,"  he  said.  "  It  tells  all  about  it  on  page  562 
of  Jarby's  '  Encyclopedia  of  Knowledge  and  Compen 
dium  of  Literature,  Science  and  Art ' — who  invented ; 
when  first  used;  name  of  every  city,  town,  village 
and  station  in  U.  S.  that  has  a  telegraph  office ;  com 
plete  explanation  of  the  telegraph  system,  telling 
how  words  are  carried  over  a  slender  wire,  et  cetery, 
et  cetery.  This  and  ten  thousand  other  useful  facts 
in  one  volume,  only  five  dollars,  bound  in  cloth.  So 
when  I  got  that  telegram  I  took  the  train  for  home. 
Look  in  the  index  under  T.  'Train,  Railway — see 
Railway.'  '  Railway ;  when  first  operated ;  inventor  of 
the  locomotive  engine;  railway  accidents  from  1898 


ELIPH'  HEWLITT  9 

to  1904,  giving  number  of  fatal  accidents  per  year, 
per  month,  per  week,  per  day,  and  per  mile ;  et  cetery, 
et  cetery.  Every  subject  known  to  man  fully  and 
interestingly  treated,  with  illustrations." 

"  I  don't  believe  I  care  for  a  copy  to-day,"  said 
the  lady. 

"  No,"  said  Eliph'  Hewlitt,  meekly.  "  I  know  it. 
Nor  I  don't  want  to  sell  you  one.  I  just  mentioned  it 
to  show  you  that  when  you  have  a  copy  of  Jarby's 
Encyclopedia  of  Knowledge  you  have  an  entire  li 
brary  in  one  book,  arranged  r.nd  indexed  by  the 
greatest  minds  of  the  nineteenth  and  twentieth  cen 
turies.  One  dollar  down  and  one  dollar  a  month  until 
paid.  But — when  I  got  home  I  found  mother  low — 
very  low.  When  I  went  in  she  was  just  able  to  look  up 
and  whisper,  *  Eliph'?  '  '  Yes,  mother,'  I  says.  *  Is  it 
really  you  at  last?  '  she  says.  '  Yes,  mother,'  I  says, 
'  it's  me  at  last,  mother,  and  I  couldn't  get  here 
sooner.  I  was  out  in  Ohio,  carrying  joy  to  countless 
homes  and  introducing  to  them  Jarby's  Encyclope 
dia  of  Knowledge  and  Compendium  of  Literature, 
Science  and  Art.  It  is  a  book,  mother,'  I  says, '  suited 
for  rich  or  poor,  young  or  old.  No  family  is  com 
plete  without  it.  Ten  thousand  and  one  subjects,  all 
indexed  from  A  to  Z,  including  an  appendix  of  the 
Spanish  War  brought  down  to  the  last  moment,  and 


10  KILO 

maps  of  Europe,  Asia,  Africa,  North  and  South 
America  and  Australia.  This  book,  mother,'  I  says, 
6  is  a  gold  mine  of  information  for  the  young,  and  a 
solace  for  the  old.  Pages  201  to  263  filled  with  quo 
tations  from  the  world's  great  poets,  making  select 
and  helpful  reading  for  the  fireside  lamp.  Pages  463 
to  468,  dying  sayings  of  famous  men  and  women.  A 
book,'  I  says,  *  that  teaches  us  how  to  live  and  how 
to  die.  All  the  wisdom  of  the  world  in  one  volume, 
five  dollars,  neatly  bound  in  cloth,  one  dollar  down 
and  one  dollar  a  month  until  paid.'  Mother  looked 
up  at  me  and  says,  '  Eliph',  put  m^  down  for  one 
copy.'  So  I  did.  I  hope  I  may  do  the  same  for  you." 

The  lady  was  about  to  speak,  but  Eliph'  Hewlitt 
iield  up  his  hand  warningly. 

"  No,"  he  said.  "  I  beg  your  pardon.  I  didn't 
mean  to  say  that.  I  couldn't  think  of  taking  your 
order.  I  didn't  mean  to  ask  it  any  more  than  I 
meant  to  ask  mother.  It's  habit,  and  that's  what  I'm 
afraid  of.  I'd  better  not  intrude." 

The  lady  evidently  did  not  agree  with  him.  He 
amused  her  because  he  was  what  she  called  a  "  type," 
and  she  was  always  on  the  lookout  for  "  types."  She 
urged  him  to  join  the  picnic,  and  said  he  could  try 
not  to  talk  books,  and  reminded  him  that  no  one 
could  do  more  than  try.  He  climbed  the  fence  with  a 


ELIPH'     HEWLITT  1! 

reluctance  that  was  the  more  noticeable  because  his 
climbing  was  retarded  by  the  oilcloth-covered  parcel 
he  held  beneath  L!.»  arm.  The  lady  smiled  as  she  no 
ticed  that  he  had  not  feared  his  soliciting  habits  suf 
ficiently  to  leave  the  book  in  the  buggy,  and  she  made 
a  mental  note  of  this  to  be  used  in  the  story  she  meant 
to  write  about  this  book-agent  type. 

"  My  name  is  Smith,"  she  tolrl  him,  as  she  tripped 
lightly  toward  the  group  about  the  lunch  baskets. 

Eliph'  Hewlitt  was  a  small  man  and  his  movements 
were  short  and  jerky.  He  drew  his  hand  over  his  red 
whiskers  and  coughed  gently  when  she  mentioned 
her  name,  and  as  she  hurried  on  before  him  he  looked 
at  her  tall,  straight  figure ;  noticed  the  stylish  mode 
of  her  simple  summer  gown,  and  caught  a  glimpse 
of  low,  white  shoes  and  neat  ankles  covered  by  deli 
cately  woven  silk. 

"  Courtship — How  to  Make  Love — How  to  Win 
the  Affections— How  to  Hold  Them  When  Won,"  he 
meditated.  "  Lovely,  but  she  will  not  suit.  She  is  an 
encyclopedia  of  knowledge  and  compendium  of  liter 
ature,  science  and  art,  but  she  is  not  the  edition  I  can 
afford.  She  is  gilt-edged  and  morocco  bound,  and  an 
ornament  to  any  parlor,  but  I  can't  afford  her.  My 
style  is  cloth,  good  substantial  cloth,  one  dollar  down 
and  one  dollar  a  month  until  paid.  As  I  might  say," 


CHAPTER    II 

SUSAN 

MRS.  TARBRO-SMITH  had  arranged  the  picnic 
herself,  hoping  to  bring  a  little  pleasure  into  the 
dullness  of  the  summer,  enliven  the  interest  in  the 
little  church,  and  make  a  pleasant  day  for  the  people 
of  Clarence,  and  she  had  succeeded  in  this  as  in 
everything  she  had  undertaken  during  her  summer  in 
Iowa.  As  the  leader  of  her  own  little  circle  of  bright 
people  in  New  York,  she  was  accustomed  to  doing 
things  successfully,  and  perhaps  she  was  too  sure 
of  always  having  things  her  own  way.  As  sister 
of  the  world-famous  author,  Marriott  Nolan  Tar- 
bro,  she  was  always  received  with  consideration  in 
New  York,  even  by  editors,  but  in  seeking  out  a  dead 
eddy  in  middle  Iowa  she  had  been  in  search  of  the 
two  things  that  the  woman  author  most  desires,  and 
best  handles:  local  color  and  types.  The  editor  of 
Murray's  Magazine  had  told  her  that  his  native 
ground — middle  Iowa — offered  fresh  material  for 
her  pen,  and,  intent  on  opening  this  new  mine 
of  local  color,  she  had  stolen  away  without  let- 

12 


SUSAN  TS 

ting  even  her  most  intimate  friends  know  where  she 
was  going.  To  have  her  coming  heralded  would  have 
put  her  "  types  "  on  their  guard,  and  for  that  reason 
she  had  assumed  as  an  impenetrable  incognito  one- 
half  her  name.  No  rays  of  reflected  fame  glittered 
on  plain  Mrs.  Smith. 

While  her  literary  side  had  found  some  pleasure 
in  studying  the  people  she  had  fallen  among,  she 
was  not  able  to  recognize  the  distinctness  of  type 
in  them  that  the  editor  of  Murray's  had  led  her  to 
believe  she  should  find.  She  had  hoped  to  discover  in 
Clarence  a  type  as  sharply  defined  as  the  New  Eng 
land  Yankee  or  the  York  County  Dutch  of  Pennsyl 
vania,  but  she  could  not  see  that  the  middle  lowan  was 
anything  but  the  average  country  person  such  as  is 
found  anywhere  in  Illinois,  Indiana,  and  Ohio,  a 
type  that  is  hard  to  portray  with  fidelity,  except 
with  rather  more  skill  than  she  felt  she  had,  since 
it  is  composed  of  innumqprable  ingredients  drawn 
not  only  from  New  England,  but  from  nearly  every 
State,  and  from  all  the  nations  of  Europe.  How 
ever,  her  kindness  of  heart  had  been  able  to  exert 
itself  bountifully,  and  she  had  had  enough  experience 
in  her  sundry  searches  for  local  color  to  know  that 
a  lapse  of  time  and  of  distance  would  emphasize  the 
types  she  was  now  seeing,  and  that  by  the  middle  of 


14  KILO 

the  winter,  when  once  more  in  her  New  York  apart 
ment,  her  present  experiences  and  observations  would 
have  the  right  perspective,  and  their  salient  features 
would  stand  out  more  plainly.  So  she  won  the  hearts 
of  her  hostess,  and  of  the  dozen  or  more  children 
of  the  house,  with  small  gifts,  and  overjoyed  with 
this  she  set  about  making  the  whole  community  hap 
pier.  Little  presents,  smiles,  and  kind  words  meant 
so  much  to  the  overworked,  hopeless  women,  and  her 
cheery  manner  was  so  pleasant  to  men  and  children, 
that  all  worshiped  her — clumsily  and  mutely,  but 
whole-heartedly.  She  was  a  fairy  lady  to  them. 

The  truth  was  that,  in  her  eagerness  to  secure  the 
most  vivid  kind  of  local  color,  she  had  gone  a  step 
too  far.  Clarence,  with  its  decayed  sidewalks  and 
rotting  buildings,  was  not  typical  of  middle  Iowa 
any  more  than  a  stagnant  pool  left  by  a  receded 
river  after  a  flood  is  typical  of  the  river  itself. 
Before  the  days  of  railroads  Clarence  had  been  a 
lively  little  town,  but  it  was  on  the  top  of  a  hill,  and, 
when  the  engineer  of  the  Jefferson  Western  Railroad 
had  laid  his  ruler  on  the  map  and  had  drawn  a 
straight  line  across  Iowa  to  represent  the  course  of 
the  road,  Clarence  had  been  left  ten  or  twelve  miles 
to  one  side,  and,  as  the  town  was  not  important 
enough  to  justify  spoiling  the  beauty  of  the  straight 


SUSAN  15 

line  by  putting  a  curve  in  it,  a  station  was  marked 
on  the  road  at  the  point  nearest  Clarence,  and  called 
Kilo.  For  a  while  the  new  station  was  merely  a  side 
track  on  the  level  prairie,  a  convenience  for  the  men 
of  Clarence,  but  before  Clarence  knew  how  it  had 
happened  Kilo  was  a  flourishing  town,  and  the  older 
town  on  the  hill  had  begun  to  decay.  Even  while 
Clarence  was  still  sneering  at  Kilo  as  a  sidetrack 
village,  Kilo  had  begun  to  sneer  at  Clarence  as  a 
played-out  crossroads  settlement.  Clarence,  when 
Mrs.  Tarbro-Smith  visited  it,  was  no  more  typical 
of  middle  Iowa  than  a  sunfish  really  resembles  the 
sun. 

In  Clarence  Mrs.  Smith's  best  loved  and  best  lov 
ing  admirer  was  Susan,  daughter  of  her  hostess,  and, 
to  Mrs.  Smith,  Susan  was  the  long  sought  and  im 
possible — a  good  maid.  From  the  first  Susan  had 
attached  herself  to  Mrs.  Smith,  and,  for  love  and 
two  dollars  a  week,  she  learned  all  that  a  lady's 
maid  should  know.  When  Mrs.  Smith  asked  her  if 
she  would  like  to  go  to  New  York,  Susan  jumped  up 
and  down  and  clapped  her  hands.  Susan  was  as 
sweet  and  lovable  as  she  was  useful,  and  under  Mrs. 
Smith's  care  she  had  been  transformed  into  such  a 
thing  of  beauty  that  Clarence  could  hardly  recog 
nize  her.  Instead  of  tow-colored  hair,  crowded  back 


16  KILO 

by  means  of  a  black  rubber  comb,  Susan  had  been 
taught  a  neat  arrangement  of  her  blonde  locks — so 
great  is  the  magic  of  a  few  deft  touches.  Instead 
of  being  a  gawky  girl  of  seventeen,  in  a  faded  blue 
calico  wrapper,  Susan,  as  transformed  by  one  of 
Mrs.  Smith's  simple  white  gowns,  was  a  young  lady. 
She  so  worshiped  Mrs.  Smith  that  she  imitated  her 
in  everything,  even  to  the  lesser  things,  like  motions 
of  the  hand,  and  tossings  of  the  head. 

When  Mrs.  Smith  broached  the  matter  of  taking 
Susan  to  New  York,  she  received  a  shock  from  Mr. 
and  Mrs.  Bell.  She  had  not  for  one  moment  doubted 
that  they  would  be  delighted  to  find  that  Susan  could 
have  a  good  home,  good  wages,  and  a  city  life,  in 
stead  of  the  existence  in  such  a  town  as  Clarence. 

"  Well,  now,"  Mr.  Bell  said,  "  we  gotter  sort  o' 
talk  it  over,  me  an'  ma,  'fore  we  decide  that.  Susan's 
a'most  our  baby,  she  is.  T'hain't  but  four  of  'em 
younger  than  what  she  is  in  our  fambly.  We'll  let 
you  know,  hey?  " 

Ma  and  Pa  Bell  talked  it  over  carefully  and  came 
to  a  decision.  The  decision  was  that  they  had  better 
talk  it  over  with  some  of  the  neighbors.  The  neigh 
bors  met  at  Bell's  and  talked  it  over  openly  in  the 
presence  of  Mrs.  Smith. 

They  agreed  that  it  would  be  a  great  chance  for 


SUSAN  17 

Susan,  and  they  said  that  no  one  could  want  a  nicer, 
kinder  lady  for  boss  than  what  Mrs.  Smith  was — 
"  but  'tain't  noways  right  to  take  no  risks." 

"  You  see,  ma'm,"  said  Ma  Bell,  "  we  don't  know 
who  you  are  no  more  than  nothin',  do  we?  And  we 
do  know  how  as  them  big  towns  is  ungodly  to  beat 
the  band,  don't  we?  I  remember  my  grandma  tellin' 
me  when  I  was  a  little  girl  about  the  awful  goin's 
on  she  heard  tell  of  one  time  when  she  was  down  to 
Pittsburg,  and  I  reckon  New  York  must  be  twice 
the  size  what  Pittsburg  was  them  days,  so  it  must 
be  twice  as  wicked.  So  we  tell  you  plain,  without 
meanin'  no  harm,  that  we  don't  know  who  you  are, 
nor  what  you'd  do  with  Susan,  once  you  got  her  to 
New  York." 

"  Oh,  I  know  what  you  want,"  said  Mrs.  Smith ; 
"  you  want  references." 

"Them's   it,"   said  Mrs.   Bell,  with  great   relief. 

"  Well,"  said  Mrs.  Smith,  "  that  is  easy.  I  know 
everybody  in  New  York." 

She  thought  a  moment. 

"  There's  Mr.  Murray,  of  Murray's  Magazine" 
she  suggested,  mentioning  her  friend  of  the  great 
monthly  magazine. 

"  Guess  we  never  heard  of  that,"  said  Mrs.  Bell 
doubtfully. 


18  KILO 

"  Then  do  you  know  the  Aeon  Magazine?  I  know 
the  editor  of  the  Aeon." 

The  neighbors  and  Mrs.  Bell  looked  at  each  other 
blankly,  and  shook  their  heads. 

Mrs.  Smith  named  all  the  magazines.  She  had 
contributed  stories  to  most  of  them,  but  not  one 
was  known,  even  by  name,  to  her  inquisitors.  One 
shy  old  lady  asked  faintly  if  she  had  ever  heard  of  Mr. 
Tweed.  She  thought  she  had  heard  of  a  Mister  Tweed 
of  New  York,  once. 

Then,  quite  suddenly,  Mrs.  Smith  remembered  her 
own  brother,  the  great  Marriott  Nolan  Tarbro, 
whose  romances  sold  in  editions  of  hundreds  of  thou 
sands,  and  who  was,  beyond  all  doubt,  the  greatest 
living  novelist.  Kings  had  been  glad  to  meet  him, 
and  newsboys  and  gamins  ran  shouting  at  his  heels 
when  he  walked  the  streets. 

"  How  silly  of  me,"  she  said.  "  You  must  have 
heard  of  my  brother,  Marriott  Nolan  Tarbro,  you 
know,  who  wrote  '  The  Marquis  of  Glenmore '  and 
6  The  Train  Wreckers  '?  " 

Mrs.  Bell  coughed  apologetically  behind  her 
hand. 

"  I'm  not  very  littery,  Mrs.  Smith,"  she  said 
kindly,  "  but  mebby  Mrs.  Stein  knows  of  him.  Mrs, 
Stein  reads  a  lot." 


'^    rf^PT^Llr  '        V^    f^ 

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I 

o 

«fi 

I 

^c 

a 

rO 


1 


SUSAN  ID 

Mrs.  Slein,  whose  .«.!«•  n-:idin;r  WMH  Hi.-  Kihle  ainl 
Midi  mlvr.l,  ,in;-  hnoklels  MS  came  hy  m.'iil,  or  HS  slio 
rnuld  pick  up  nn  Ihe  connler  of  Ilir  drn^.lore,  when 
sin-  wenl,  l.o  Kilo,  moved  nne.'.sily.  l'''»r  .V'">s  s'"'  ll)l(1 
li.ul  ll.r  rc|)iil.Mlion  of  iM-intf  a  gn-ul  n-n.<lrr,  niul 
|,i-(,uM-lil.  f/u-c  lo  f/ic<-  willi  lln-  Kish-r  of  MII  iiullior 
shr  fr-'irrd  IxT  rrfUll.n  I  ion  WJis  ;il)nul.  In  fjill. 
lt  Wlui.1.  SM.V  liis  II/IIIM-  WHS?  "  :.ln-  nskcd. 
"  T.'irlirn,"  :.:ii«l  Mrs.  Sinilli,  M,S  one  would  nirnlion 
SliHkrspnm-  or  N.'.polco...  " 'I'lirhro.  MHrriol.l.  Nn- 
lun  Tnrbro." 

"Well/'  HJiid  Mrs.  Sl.nn  -slowly,  hirnin^  ln-r  li-'.id 
on  one  sidr  und  looking  nl.  llu-  spol  on  l.li«-  rcilifig 
frnm  wliich  l.ln-  plnslrr  liud  fnllri.,  "  I  won't  :,ny  I 
ImvcnM.  And  I  won'l.  sjiy  I  liavr.  VVIin.  n.  person 
rc.'ids  MS  nindi  /is  wlinl.  I  do,  she  n-nds  so  niMiiy  n/iines 
Ihey  slip  mil.  of  memory.  .Ins!,  l.liis  ininnle  I  doiTI, 
(,uilr  ,-n.ll  him  l.o  mind.  Mi/dily  iirar,  Ihon^li;  I 
mind  H  feller  once  HIM!  peddled  nolions  lhroii;;h  here 
l»y  n.-nne  of  THI-IIOX.  Mi;-;hl  yon  know  himPv 

"No,"  H/iid  Mrs.  SmiMi,  "I  li/m-u'l.  lh«-  honor." 
44  I  Ilimijdil.  mehhy  yon  mi^hl  know  him,"  :.;nd 
Mrs.  Slein.  "Hi:,  hnsiness  look  him  'round  coir  id 
cnihlr,  mid  I  l.lion^hl.  mehhy  il.  mi/dil.  have  look  him 
in  New  York,  MIK!  lh:i.l.  mehhy  yon  mi/Hil  IIMVC  md, 
Jiim." 


20  KILO 

Mrs.  Bell  sighed  audibly. 

"It's  goin'  to  be  an  awful  trial  to  Susan  if  she 
can't  go,"  she  said ;  "  but  I  dunno  what  to  say. 
Seems  like  I  oughtn't  to  say  *  go,'  an'  yet  I  can't 
abear  to  say  '  stay.' " 

"  I  must  have  Susan,"  said  Mrs.  Smith,  putting 
her  arm  about  the  girl.  "  I  know  you  can  trust  her 
with  me." 

"  Clementina,"  said  Mr.  Bell  suddenly,  "  why  don't 
you  leave  it  to  the  minister?  He'd  settle  it  for  the 
best.  Why  don't  you  leave  it  to  him  ?  Hey  ?  " 

"  Well,  bless  my  stars,"  said  Mrs.  Bell,  brighten 
ing  with  relief,  "  I'd  ought  to  have  thought  of  that 
long  ago.  He  would  know  what  was  for  the  best. 
I'll  ask  him  to-morrow." 

To-morrow  was  the  picnic  day. 

As  Mrs.  Smith  led  the  way  for  Eliph'  Hewlitt, 
the  minister  left  the  group  of  women  who  had  clus 
tered  about  him,  and  walked  toward  her. 

"  Sister  Smith,"  he  said,  in  his  grave,  kind  way, 
"  Sister  Bell  tells  me  you  want  to  carry  off  our 
little  Susan.  You  know  we  must  be  wise  as  serpents 
and  gentle  as  doves  in  deciding,  and  " — he  laid  his 
hand  on  her  arm — "  though  I  doubt  not  all  will  be 
well,  I  must  think  over  the  matter  a  while.  Wei- 


SUSAN  21 

come,  brother,"  he  added,  offering  his  hand  to  Eliph' 
Hewlitt. 

The  little  book  agent  shook  it  warmly. 

"  '  I  was  a  stranger  and  ye  took  me  in,'  "  he  said 
glibly.  "  Fine  weather  for  a  picnic." 

His  eyes  glowed.  To  meet  the  minister  first  of  all ! 
This  was  good,  indeed.  Years  of  experience  had 
taught  him  to  seek  the  minister  first.  To  start  the 
round  of  a  small  community  with  the  prestige  of 
having  sold  the  minister  himself  a  copy  of  Jarby's 
Encyclopedia  made  success  a  certainty. 

He  took  the  oilcloth-covered  parcel  from  beneath 
his  arm,  and  handed  it  to  the  minister  gently,  lov 
ingly. 

"  Keep  it  until  the  picnic  is  over,"  he  said.  "  I'm 
a  book  agent.  I  sell  books.  This  is  the  book  I  sell. 
Take  it  away  and  hide  it,  so  I  can  forget  it  and  be 
happy.  Don't  let  me  have  it  until  the  picnic  is  over. 
Please  don't!" 

He  stretched  out  his  arms  in  freedom,  and  the 
minister  smiled  and  led  the  way  toward  the  place 
where  a  buggy  cushion  had  been  laid  on  the  grass 
as  his  seat  of  honor. 

"  I  will  retain  the  book,"  said  the  minister,  with 
a  smile,  "  although  I  don't  think  you  can  sell  a  book 
here.  My  brethren  in  Clarence  are  not  readers.  I 


22  KILO 

read  little  myself.  We  are  poor;  we  have  no  time 
to  read.  Except  the  Bible,  I  know  of  but  one  book  in 
this  entire  community.  Sister  Dawson  has  a  copy 
of  Bunyan's  sublime  work,  '  Pilgrim's  Progress.'  It 
was  an  heirloom.  Be  seated,"  he  said,  and  Eliph' 
Hewlitt  seated  himself,  Turk-fashion,  on  the  sod. 

The  minister  took  the  book  carefully  on  his  knees. 
Even  to  feel  a  new  book  was  a  pleasure  he  did  not 
often  have,  and  his  fingers  itched  to  open  it. 

In  three  minutes  Eliph'  Hewlitt  knew  the  entire 
story  of  Mrs.  Smith  and  Susan,  so  far  as  it  was  known 
to  the  minister,  and  he  leaned  over  and  tapped  with 
his  forefinger  the  book  on  the  minister's  knee. 

"  Open  it,"  he  said. 

The  minister  removed  the  wrapper. 

"Page  6,  Index,"  said  Eliph'  Hewlitt,  turning 
the  pages.  He  ran  his  finger  down  the  page,  and 
up  and  down  page  7,  stopped  at  a  line  on  page 
8,  and  hastily  turned  over  the  pages  of  the  book. 
At  page  974  he  laid  the  book  open,  and  the 
minister  adjusted  his  spectacles  and  read  where 
the  book  agent  pointed.  Then  he  pushed  his  spec 
tacles  up  on  his  forehead  and  looked  carefully  at  the 
picnickers.  He  singled  out  Mrs.  Tarbro-Smith,  and 
waved  her  toward  him  with  his  hand.  She  came  and 
stood  before  him. 


SUSAN  25 

The  minister  wiped  his  spectacles  on  his  handker 
chief,  readjusted  them  on  his  nose,  and  bent  over  the 
book. 

"  What  is  your  brother's  name  ?  "  he  asked  kindly, 
but  with  solemnity. 

"  Marriott  Nolan  Tarbro,"  she  answered. 

He  traced  the  lines  carefully  with  his  finger. 

"Born?"  he  asked. 

"June  4,  1864,  at  Tarrytown-on-the-Hudson." 

"  And  is  he  married?  " 

"  Married  Amanda  Rogers  Long,  at  Newport, 
Rhode  Island,  June  14,  1895." 

"  Where  is  he  living  now?  "  he  asked. 

"  Last  year  he  was  living  with  me  in  New  York — 
I  am  a  widow,  as  you  know — but  last  fall  he  went 
to  Algiers." 

"  The  book  says  Algiers.  What — er — clubs  is  he 
a  member  of?  " 

"Oh,  yes,"  said  Mrs.  Smith;  "The  Authors  and 
The  Century." 

"  I  have  no  doubt,"  said  the  minister,  "  from  what 
the  book  says,  and  what  you  say,  that  you  are  indeed 
the  sister  of  this — ah — celebrated  " — he  looked  at 
the  book — "  celebrated  novelist,  who  is  a  man  of  such 
standing  that  he  receives — ah — several  more  lines 
in  this  work  than  the  average,  more,  in  fact,  than 


24  KILO 

Talmage,  more  than  Beecher,  and  more  than  the 
present  governor  of  the  State  of  Iowa.  I  think  I 
may  safely  advise  Mrs.  Bell  to  let  Susan  go  with 
you." 

"One!*5  said  Eliph'  Hewlitt  quickly.  "That's 
just  one  question  that  came  up  flaring,  and  was 
mashed  flat  by  Jarby's  Encyclopedia  of  Knowledge 
and  Compendium  of  Literature,  Science  and  Art,  a 
book  in  which  are  ten  thousand  and  one  subjects, 
fully  treated  by  the  best  minds  of  the  nineteenth  and 
twentieth  centuries.  One  subject  for  every  day  in 
the  year  for  twenty-seven  years,  and  some  left  over. 
Religion,  politics,  literature,  every  subject  under 
the  sun,  gathered  in  one  grand  colossal  encyclopedia 
with  an  index  so  simple  that  a  child  can  understand 
it.  See  page  768,  <  Texts,  Biblical ;  Hints  for  Ser 
mons;  The  Art  of  Pulpit  Eloquence.'  No  minister 
should  be  without  it.  See  page  1046,  '  Pulpit  Orators 
--Golden  Words  of  the  Greatest,  comprising  selec 
tions  from  Spurgeon,  Robertson,  Talmage,  Beecher, 
Parkhurst,'  et  cetery.  A  book  jthat  should  be  in 
every  home.  Look  at  '  P ' :  *  Poets,  Great.  Poison, 
Antidotes  for.  Poker,  Rules  of.  Poland,  History  and 
Geography  of,  with  Map.  Pomeroy,  Brick.  Poma 
tum,  How  to  Make.  Ponce  de  Leon,  Voyages  and 
Life  of.  Pop,  Ginger,'  et  cetery,  et  cetery.  The 


SUSAN  25 

whole  for  the  small  sum  of  five  dollars,  bound  in 
cloth,  one  dollar  down  and  one  dollar  a  month  until 
paid." 

The  minister  turned  the  pages  slowly. 

"  It  seems  a  worthy  book,"  he  said  hesitatingly. 

Eliph'  Hewlitt  looked  at  Mrs.  Smith,  with  a  ques 
tion  in  his  eyes. 

She  nodded. 

"Ah!"  he  said.  "Mrs.  Smith,  sister  of  the  well- 
known  novelist,  Marriott  Nolan  Tarbro,  takes  two 
copies  of  Jarby's  Encyclopedia  of  Knowledge  and 
Compendium  of  Literature,  Science  and  Art,  bound 
in  full  morocco,  one  of  which  she  begs  to  present  to 
the  worthy  pastor  of  this  happy  flock,  with  her  com 
pliments  and  good  wishes." 

"  I  can't  thank  you,"  stammered  the  minister ; 
"it  is  so  kind.  I  have  so  few  books,  and  so  few  op 
portunities  of  securing  them." 

Eliph'  Hewlitt  held  out  his  hand  for  the  sample 
volume. 

"  When  you  have  this  book,"  he  declared,  "  you 
need  no  others.  It  makes  a  Carnegie  library  of  the 
humblest  home." 

The  entire  picnic  had  gradually  gathered  around 
him. 

"  Ladies  and  gents,"  he  said,  "  I  have  come  to  bring 


26  KILO 

knowledge  and  power  where  ignorance  and  darkness 
have  lurked.  This  volume " 

He  stopped  and  handed  his  sample  to  the  minister. 

"  Introduce  me  to  the  lady  in  the  blue  dress,"  he 
said  to  Mrs.  Smith,  and  she  stepped  forward  and 
made  them  acquainted. 

"  Miss  Briggs,  this  is  Mr. " 

"  Hewlitt,"  he  said  quickly,  "  Eliph'  Hewlitt." 

"Mr.  Hewlitt,"  said  Mrs.  Smith.  "Miss  Sally 
Briggs  of  Kilo." 

"  I'm  glad  to  know  you,  Miss  Briggs,"  said  Eliph' 
Hewlitt.  "  I  hope  we  may  become  well  acquainted. 
As  I  was  sayin'  to  Mrs.  Smith,  I'm  a  book  agent." 

For  the  chapter  in  Jarby's  Encyclopedia  that 
dealt  with  "  Courtship — How  to  Win  the  Affections," 
said  that  the  first  step  necessary  was  to  become  well 
acquainted  with  the  one  whose  affections  it  was  de 
sired  to  win.  It  was  not  Eliph'  Hewlitt's  way  to 
waste  time  when  making  a  sale  of  Jarby's,  and  he 
felt  that  no  more  delay  was  necessary  in  disposing 
of  a  heart. 


CHAPTER    III 
"HOW    TO   WIN    THE    AFFECTIONS" 

MlSS  SALLY  glanced  hurriedly  around,  seeking 
some  retreat  to  which  she  could  fly.  Mrs.  Smith,  hav 
ing  introduced  Eliph'  Hewlitt,  had  turned  away,  and 
the  other  picnickers  were  gathered  around  the  min 
ister,  looking  over  his  shoulders  at  the  copy  of 
Jarby's  Encyclopedia.  Although  she  could  have  no 
idea,  as  yet,  that  Eliph'  Hewlitt  had  decided  to  marry 
her,  Miss  Sally  was  afraid  of  him.  She  was  a  dainty 
little  woman,  with  just  a  few  gray  hairs  tucked  out 
of  sight  under  the  brown  ones,  but  although  she  was 
ordinarily  able  to  hold  her  own,  each  year  that  was 
added  to  her  life  made  her  more  afraid  of  book 
agents. 

Time  after  time  she  had  succumbed  to  the  wiles 
of  book  agents.  It  made  no  difference  how  she  re 
ceived  them,  nor  how  she  steeled  her  heart  against 
their  plausible  words,  she  always  ended  by  buying 
whatever  they  had  to  sell,  and  after  that  it  was  a 
fight  to  get  the  money  from  her  father  with  which 
to  pay  the  installments.  Pap  Briggs  objected  to  pay- 

27 


28  KILO 

ing  out  money  for  anything,  but  he  considered  that 
about  the  most  useless  thing  he  could  spend  money 
for  was  a  book.  Whenever  he  heard  there  was  a  book 
agent  in  Kilo  he  acted  like  a  hen  when  she  sees  a 
hawk  in  the  sky,  ready  to  pounce  down  upon  her 
brood,  and  he  pottered  around  and  scolded  and  com 
plained  and  warned  Miss  Sally  to  beware,  and  then 
in  the  end  the  book  agent  always  made  the  sale,  and 
Miss  Sally  felt  as  if  she  had  committed  seven  or 
eight  deadly  sins,  and  it  made  her  life  miserable. 
Only  a  few  months  before  she  had  fallen  prey  to  a 
man  who  had  sold  her  a  set  of  Sir  Walter  Scott's 
Complete  Works,  two  dollars  down,  and  one  dollar 
a  month,  and  she  felt  that  the  work  of  urging  the 
monthly  dollar  out  of  her  father's  pocket  was  all 
she  could  stand. 

Why  and  how  she  bought  books  always  remained 
a  mystery  to  her;  it  is  a  mystery  to  many  book 
buyers  how  they  happen  to  buy  books.  Book  agents 
seemed  to  have  a  mesmerizing  effect  on  Miss  Sally, 
as  serpents  daze  birds  before  they  devour  them.  The 
process  applied  between  the  time  when  she  stated  with 
the  utmost  positiveness  than  she  did  not  want,  and 
would  not  buy,  a  book,  and  the  time,  a  few  minutes 
later,  when  she  signed  her  name  to  the  agent's  list 
of  subscribers,  was  something  she  could  not  fathom. 


'HOW     TO     WIN     AFFECTIONS"     29 

And  now  she  had  been  left  face  to  face  with  a  book 
agent,  actually  introduced  to  him,  and  her  father 
still  under  monthly  miseries  on  account  of  Sir  Wal 
ter  Scott's  Complete  Works. 

"  I  don't  want  any  books  to-day,"  said  Miss  Sally 
nervously,  when  she  saw  that  she  could  not  run  away. 

"  And  I'm  not  going  to  sell  you  any,"  said  Eliph' 
Hewlitt  cheerfully.  He  had  studied  Miss  Sally 
thoroughly,  with  the  quick  eye  of  the  experienced 
book  agent  who  has  learned  to  read  character  at 
sight,  and  he  had  decided  that  no  more  suitable  Mrs. 
Hewlitt  was  he  apt  to  find.  "  And  I'm  not  going  to 
sell  you  any,"  he  repeated.  "  This  is  picnic  day, 
and  I'm  not  selling  books,  although  I  may  say  there 
is  no  day  in  the  whole  year  when  Jarby's  Encyclo 
pedia  of  Knowledge  and  Compendium  of  Literature, 
Science  and  Art  is  not  needed.  It  is  a  book  that  con 
tains  a  noble  thought  or  useful  hint  for  every  hour 
of  every  day  from  the  cradle  to  the  grave,  compris 
ing  ten  thousand  and  one  subjects,  neatly  bound." 

"  I  don't  want  one,"  said  Miss  Sally,  backing  away. 
"I  don't  live  here,  and  you  might  do  better  selling 
it  to  someone  that  does." 

Eliph'  Hewlitt's  eyes  beamed  kindly  through  his 
spectacles. 

"  It  is  just  as  useful  to  them  that  is  traveling  as 


SO  KILO 

to  them  that  is  at  home,"  he  said,  "  if  not  more  so. 
If  you  ever  took  a  copy  along  with  you  on  your 
travels  you  would  never  travel  again  without  it.  Take 
the  chapter  on  *  Traveling,'  for  instance,  page  46." 
He  looked  around,  as  if  he  would  have  liked  to  get 
his  sample  copy,  but  it  was  in  such  a  number  of 
eager  hands  that  he  turned  back  to  Miss  Sally. 
"  Take  the  directions  on  Sleeping  Cars,"  he  said. 
"  For  that  one  thing  alone  the  book  is  worth  its 
price  to  anyone  going  to  travel  by  rail.  It  gives  full 
instructions  how  much  to  give  the  porter,  how  to 
choose  a  berth,  how  to  undress  in  an  upper  berth 
without  damage  to  the  traveler  or  the  car,  et  cetery. 
And,  when  you  consider  that  that  is  but  one  of  ten 
thousand  and  one  things  mentioned  in  this  volume, 
you  can  see  that  it  is  really  giving  it  away  when  I 
sell  it,  neatly  bound  in  cloth,  for  five  dollars." 

"  I  don't  think  I  want  one,"  said  Miss  Sally 
doubtfully,  for  she  was  beginning  to  fall  under  the 
spell. 

"  No ! "  said  Eliph'  firmly.  "  No !  You  don't.  And 
I  don't  want  to  sell  you  one.  Nothing  ain't  farther 
from  my  mind  than  wanting  to  sell  you  a  copy  of 
that  book.  Just  rest  perfectly  easy  about  that,  Miss 
Briggs.  We'll  put  '  Literature,  Science  and  Art ' 
to  one  side  and  enjoy  the  delights  of  the  open  air, 


MHOW     TO     WIN     AFFECTIONS'1     31 

and,  if  I  happen  to  say  anything  that  sounds  like 
book,  just  you  excuse  me,  for  I  don't  mean  it. 
Mebby  I  do  get  to  talking  about  that  book  when  I 
don't  mean  to,  for  it  is  a  book  that  a  man  that  knows 
it  as  well  as  I  do  just  can't  help  talking  about.  It's 
a  wonderful  book.  It  is  a  book  that  has  all  the 
wisdom  and  knowledge  of  the  world  condensed  into 
one  volume,  including  five  hundred  ennobling 
thoughts  from  the  world's  great  authors,  inclusive 
of  the  prose  and  poetical  gems  of  all  ages,  beginning 
on  page  201,  sixty  two  solid  pages  of  them,  with 
vingetty  portraits  of  the  authors,  this  being  but 
one  of  the  many  features  that  make  the  book  help 
ful  to  all  people  of  refinement  and  mind.  Now,  when 
you  take  a  book  like  that  and  bind  it  in  a  neat  cloth 
cover,  making  it  an  ornament  to  any  center  table  in 
the  country,  and  sell  it  for  the  small  price  of  five 
dollars,  it  is  not  selling  it ;  it  is  giving  it  away.  Five 
dollars,  neatly  bound  in  cloth,  one  dollar  down,  and 
one  dollar  a  month  until  paid." 

Miss  Sally  looked  hopelessly  toward  the  sample 
copy,  which  the  minister  was  still  exhibiting  to  the 
picnickers  with  real  pleasure.  She  was  enthralled, 
but  she  was  puzzled.  Never  had  she  bought  a  book 
that  she  had  not  first  looked  through.  Invariably  the 
agent  had  begun  his  dissertation  on  the  book's  merits 


32  KILO 

by  an  explanation  of  the  illuminated  frontispiece — 
if  it  had  one — and  ended  by  turning  the  last  page 
to  show  the  sheet  where  she  must  sign  her  name,  un 
derneath  those  of  "  the  other  leading  citizens  of  this 
town."  There  was  something  wrong,  but  she  was  not 
quite  sure  what  it  was.  She  glanced  back  at  the 
eager  face  of  Eliph'  Hewlitt,  and  mistook  the  glow 
of  "  Affection,  How  to  Hold  it  When  Won,"  for  the 
intense  glance  of  the  predatory  book  seller. 

"  I'll  take  a  copy,"  she  said  recklessly. 

Eliph'  Hewlitt's  face  clouded^  and  he  put  out  his 
hand  as  if  to  ward  off  a  blow. 

"  No  you  won't ! "  he  said,  with  distress.  "  You 
don't  want  one,  and  I  won't  sell  you  one." 

He  cast  his  mind  quickly  over  the  chapter  on 
"  Courtship — How  to  Win  the  Affections,"  and  re 
called  its  directions.  He  wished  he  had  the  book  in 
his  hands,  so  that  he  could  turn  to  the  chapter  and 
freshen  his  memory,  but  the  first  direction  was,  cer 
tainly,  to  become  well  acquainted. 

"  I  don't  want  to  sell  you  one,"  he  said  more 
gently.  "  I  want  to  sit  down  on  this  nice  grass  and 
get  acquainted.  You  and  me  are  both  strangers  here, 
and  I  guess  we  ought  to  talk  to  each  other." 

He  seated  himself  as  he  said  the  word,  and  crossed 
his  legs,  Turk-fashion,  and  looked  up  at  Miss  Sally, 


'HOW     TO     WIN     AFFECTIONS'3     33T 

with  an  invitation  in  his  eyes.  For  a  minute  she 
stood  looking  down  at  him  doubtfully.  She  was  un 
able  to  understand  the  actions  of  this  new  variety 
of  book  agent  that  refused  to  sell  books  after  talking 
up  to  the  selling  point,  and  she  suddenly  remembered 
that  she  was  away  from  home,  and  that  the  book  was 
sold  on  installments.  She  flushed.  Did  his  refusal  to 
sell  imply  that  he  thought  she  might  not  be  able  to 
pay  the  installments  ? 

"  I'll  take  a  copy  of  that  book,  if  you  please,"  she 
said  haughtily.  "  I  guess  there  ain't  no  question  but 
what  I'm  able  to  pay  for  it.  I've  bought  books  be 
fore,  and  paid  for  them;  and  I  guess  I'm  just  as 
able  to  pay  as  most  folks  you  sell  to.  If  you've  any 
doubt  about  it,  there's  references  I  can  give  right 
her  in  Clarence  that  will  satisfy  you." 

Eliph'  Hewlitt  coughed  gently  behind  his  hand, 
and  stroked  his  whiskers,  as  he  looked  up  at  the  in 
dignant  Miss  Briggs.  He  did  not  want  to  sell  her  a 
book ;  it  would  place  him  in  her  mind  once,  and,  prob 
ably,  for  all,  as  one  of  the  tribe  of  book  agents, 
and  nothing  more.  Yet  he  could  not  offend  her.  He 
might  compromise  by  giving  her  a  copy,  but  the 
chapter  on  "  Courtship — How  to  Win  the  Affec 
tions,"  distinctly  advised  this  as  a  later  act.  First  it 
was  necessary  to  become  well  acquainted ;  then  it  was 


34  KILO 

advisable  to  proceed  to  give  small  presents,  books  or 
flowers  or  sweets  being  particularly  mentioned,  and 
Eliph'  Hewlitt  would  never  have  thought  of  doing 
first  the  thing  Jarby's  Encyclopedia  advised  doing 
second.  He  had  been  selling  Jarby's  for  many  years. 
He  had  seen  the  "  talking  feature  "  of  the  colored 
plates  of  the  Civil  War  pass,  and  had  seen  them  suc 
ceeded  by  colored  plates  of  the  Franco-Prussian  War, 
and  had  seen  these  make  way  for  colored  plates  of 
one  war  after  another  until  the  present  plates  of  the 
Spanish  War  appeared,  and  through  all  these 
changes  in  the  last  chapter  he  had  studied  the  book 
until  he  knew  its  contents  as  well  as  he  knew  his 
"  two-times-two."  He  could  recite  the  book  forward 
or  backward,  read  it  upside  down — as  a  book  agent 
has  to  read  a  book  when  it  is  in  a  customer's  lap — 
or  sideways,  and  could  turn  promptly  to  nearly  any 
word  in  it  without  hesitation.  The  more  he  studied 
it  the  more  he  loved  it  and  admired  it  and  believed 
in  it.  It  was  his  whole  literature,  and  he  found  it 
all  sufficient.  If  he  saw  a  thing  in  Jarby's  he  knew 
it  was  so,  and  if  it  was  not  in  Jarby's  it  was  not 
worth  knowing.  Under  such  circumstances  he  could 
not  make  Miss  Sally  a  present  of  the  book  until 
he  and  she  had  first  become  well  acquainted.  Jarby's 
said  so.  He  scrambled  hurriedly  to  his  feet. 


"HOW     TO     WIN     AFFECTIONS'5     35 

"  Miss  Briggs,"  he  said  earnestly,  "  you  ain't  near 
guessing  the  reason  why  I  don't  want  to  sell  you  a 
copy  of  that  world-famous  volume.  You  ain't  no 
where  near  it  at  all.  If  I  was  to  tell  you  what  the 
reason  was  I  guess  you'd  be  surprised.  But  I  ain't 
going  to  tell  you.  It  ain't  because  you  can't  pay  for 
it,  for  if  it  was  a  library  of  one  thousand  volumes 
at  ten  dollars  a  volume,  ten  dollars  down  and  ten 
dollars  a  month,  I'd  be  glad  to  take  your  order.  And 
it  ain't  because  I  ain't  going  to  sell  any  more  copies 
here,  because  I  am,  and  I'm  going  to  sell  all  I  can, 
right  here  at  this  picnic,  just  to  show  you  what  I 
can  do  when  I  try.  But  I  ain't  going  to  sell  you  one. 
I've  got  a  good  reason." 

Miss  Sally  was  not  fully  pacified  by  this,  for  now 
she  was  sure  she  had  guessed  the  reason  Eliph'  Hew- 
litt  did  not  want  to  sell  her  a  copy.  She  imagined 
now  that  some  book  agent  had  told  him  of  her  fa 
ther's  aversion  to  books — when  they  had  to  be  paid 
for — and  that  Eliph'  Hewlitt  was  willing  to  forego 
a  sale  rather  than  lead  her  into  new  trouble  with  her 
father.  Possibly  he  had  met  the  Walter  Scott  man. 
She  turned  away. 

"I  guess  I'll  go  and  help  Mrs.  Smith  lay  out  the 
lunch,"  she  said,  as  the  easiest  way  to  be  rid  of  the 
annoyance. 


36  KILO 

"I  guess  I'll  go,  too,"  said  Eliph'  Hewlitt 
promptly  and  cheerfully.  "  I'm  a  good  hand  at  that. 
It  tells  all  about  it  in  Jarby's  Encyclopedia.  Look 
under  *  P  ' :  '  Picnic  Lunches.  Picnic,  How  to  Organ 
ize  and  Conduct.  Picnic,  Origin  of,'  et  cetery,  et 
cetery.  A  book  that  contains  all  the  knowledge  in 
the  world,  condensed  into  one  volume,  with  lives  of 
all  the  world's  great  men,  from  Adam  to  Roosevelt, 
and  the  dying  words  of  them  that  is  dead." 

Miss  Sally  turned  on  him  sharply. 

"  Goodness  sakes !  "  she  exclaimed,  "  I  wish  you 
would  either  sell  me  a  copy  of  that  book  or  keep 
still  about  it.  Ain't  I  going  to  have  no  peace  at  all  ?  " 

"I  didn't  mention  it,  did  I?  "  asked  Eliph'  Hew 
litt  innocently,  and  he  did  not  know  that  he  had. 
*c  I  was  speaking  of  this  happy  gathering.  Ain't  it 
pretty  to  see  all  kinds  of  folks  gathered  together 
this  way  to  make  each  other  happier?  It's  like  a  liv 
ing  Jarby's  Encyclopedia  of  Knowledge  and  Com 
pendium  of  Literature,  Science  and  Art,  a  little  of 
everything  in  one  volume,  and  all  of  it  good.  All  the 
good  things  from  parson  to  pickles.  I  suppose  you 
put  up  your  own  pickle?,  don't  you?  " 

"  Yes,  I  do,"  said  Miss  Sally,  who  was  now  walk 
ing  toward  where  the  ladies  were  unpacking  the 
lunch.  "Why  do  you  ask  it?  " 


"HOW     TO     WIN     AFFECTIONS'3     37 

"  It  called  to  my  mind  the  recipe  for  making 
pickles  that  is  in  Jarby's  Encyclopedia,"  said  Eliph', 
unmindful  of  the  look  of  anger  that  flushed  Miss 
Sally's  face  at  the  mention  of  that  book.  "Them 
that  has  tried  it  says  it  is  the  best  they  have  ever 
used.  That  and  seven  hundred  and  ninety-nine  other 
tested  recipes,  all  contained  in  the  chapter  called 
'  The  Complete  Kitchen  Guide,'  see  page  100,  in 
cluding  roasts,  fries,  pastry,  cakes,  bread,  puddings, 
entrees,  soups,  how  to  make  candy,  how  to  clean 
brass,  copper,  silver,  tin,  et  cetery,  et  cetery.  Them 
that  uses  Jarby's  tested  recipes  as  given  in  this 
volume,  uses  no  other." 

There  was  a  stiffening  of  Miss  Sally's  back  as  she 
walked  ahead  of  him,  and  even  Eliph'  Hewlitt  could 
not  fail  to  observe  it.  It  told  plainly  that  if  he 
could  have  seen  her  lips  he  would  have  seen  them 
close  firmly,  and  he  made  haste  to  reassure  her. 

"  I  ain't  trying  to  sell  you  a  book,"  he  said,  tak 
ing  a  quicker  step  to  reach  her  side,  but  she  hurried 
the  more  as  he  did  so,  and  crowded  in  among  the 
other  women  so  that  he  could  not  follow.  He  stood 
a  moment  watching  her,  but  she  began  talking  rapidly 
to  one  of  the  women,  ignoring  him  conspicuously, 
and  he  coughed  gently  behind  his  hand,  as  if  to 
apologize  for  her  affront,  and  then  walked  away. 


38  KILO 

He  could  not  account  for  his  poor  success  in  get 
ting  well  acquainted  with  Miss  Sally,  and  he  began 
to  fear  that  he  had  not  fully  understood  the  direc 
tions  given  by  Jarby's  Encyclopedia  in  the  chapter 
on  "  Courtship— How  to  Win  the  Affections."  He 
realized  that  he  had  used  that  chapter  less  often  in 
talking  up  a  sale  than  he  had  used  any  other,  and 
that  for  that  reason  he  had  studied  it  less  closely, 
and  he  saw  now,  more  than  ever,  that  there  was  no 
chapter  in  the  whole  book  that  a  possessor  could 
afford  to  neglect.  He  walked  over  to  where  the  min 
ister  was  still  holding  the  book,  but  now  holding  it 
closed  on  his  lap,  and  he  asked  politely  if  he  might 
have  it  for  a  few  minutes.  The  minister  handed  it 
to  him,  and  Eliph',  walking  to  where  one  of  the 
smaller  trees  of  the  grove  made  a  spot  of  shade,  seated 
himself,  and  fixed  his  eyes  on  the  chapter  on  "  Court 
ship — How  to  Win  the  Affections." 

For  the  first  time  in  his  life  he  was  unable  to  fix 
his  attention  firmly  on  the  pages  of  Jarby's  Ency 
clopedia.  His  eyes  insisted  on  turning  to  where  Miss 
Sally  moved  about  the  cloth  spread  on  the  grass; 
the  tablecloth  on  which  green  bugs  and  black  bugs 
and  brown  bugs  were  already  parading,  as  bugs  al 
ways  do  at  a  picnic.  Occasionally  he  stroked  his 
sandy-gray  whiskers,  and  whenever  she  turned  her 


"HOW     TO     WIN     AFFECTIONS'1     39 

face  in  his  direction  he  cast  his  eyes  upon  his  book, 
but  he  could  not  read. 

He  hoped  he  would  have  the  good  fortune  to  be 
seated  next  to  Miss  Sally  when  the  lunch  time  came, 
and  he  had  little  doubt  that  he  would  be  near  her, 
for  it  was  likely  that  he  and  she,  being  strangers, 
would  be  put  near  the  minister.  He  closed  the  book, 
seeing  at  length  that  it  was  impossible  for  him  to 
read  it,  and,  as  the  men  began  to  bring  the  cushions 
from  the  buggies  and  place  them  around  the  cloth, 
he  arose  and  went  to  bring  his  own  to  add  to  the 
supply.  As  he  reached  the  fence,  a  barefoot  boy, 
mounted  on  a  horse  with  no  other  saddle  than  a 
blanket,  came  galloping  down  the  road,  and  stopped 
before  him. 

"  Say,"  said  the  boy,  wide-eyed  with  importance, 
"  is  Sally  Briggs  in  there?  " 

Eliph'  said  she  was. 

"  Well,  say,"  said  the  boy,  "  she's  got  to  go  home 
to  Kilo,  right  away.  Her  dad  telephoned  up,  and  he 
don't  know  whether  he's  dying  or  not,  and  she's 
got  to  go  right  home." 

Eliph'  turned  and  hurried  to  where  Miss  Sally  was 
standing. 

"  I  hope  it  ain't  nothing  serious,  Miss  Briggs," 
he  said,  "  but  that  boy  has  come  to  give  you  a  mes- 


40  K  I  L  O 

sage  that  come  by  telephone.  I  think  your  father 
ain't  well." 

Miss  Sally  dropped  the  cake  she  was  holding,  and 
ran  to  the  fence. 

"What  is  it?"  she  gasped. 

"  Well,"  said  the  boy,  "  my  dad  was  in  the  post 
office  just  now,  and  the  telephone  bell  rang,  and  he 
looked  around  to  see  where  Julius  was,  and  Julius 
he  had  gone  outside  to  see  what  Mr.  Fogarty,  from 
up  to  the  Corners,  wanted.  I  don't  know  what  he 
wanted.  Pa  didn't  tell  me.  I  don't  know  as  pa  knew, 
anyway,  but  I  guess  he  wanted  something,  or  else 
he  wouldn't  have  motioned  Julius  to  go  out,  unless 
he  just  wanted  to  talk  to  Julius.  Mebby  he  just 
wanted  to  ask  Julius  if  there  was  any  mail  for  him. 
So  pa  answered  the  telephone." 

"Well,  what  did  it  say?"  asked  Miss  Sally  im 
patiently. 

"You've  got  a  pa,  haven't  you?  "  asked  the  boy. 

"Yes,"  said  Miss  Sally. 

"  Well,  has  he  got  false  teeth?  "  asked  the  boy. 

"  Yes,"  said  Miss  Sally  more  impatiently. 

"  Well,  that's  all  right,  then,"  said  the  boy.  "  Pa 
couldn't  tell  exactly  whether  it  was  false  teeth  or 
not,  the  telephone  in  the  post  office  works  so  poor, 
and  pa  ain't  no  hand  at  it,  anyhow.  He  said  it 


"HOW     TO     WIN     AFFECTIONS"     41 

sounded  like  false  teeth.  So  your  pa  wants  you  to 
come  right  home  to  Kilo.  Mebby  he's  dying." 

"  Dying ! "  cried  Miss  Sally,  as  white  as  a  sheet. 

"  Yes,  mebby  he  is,"  continued  the  boy.  "  He  ain't 
right  sure,  but  he  says  you'd  better  come  right  home, 
so  if  he  is  dying  you'll  be  on  hand.  And,  if  he  ain't, 
you  can  help  him  hunt  for  them.  He  says  he  went 
to  bed  last  night,  same  as  alwaj-,  but  he  don't  recall 
whether  he  took  out  his  false  set  of  teeth  or  left 
them  in,  and  he  ain't  sure  whether  he  swallowed  them 
last  night,  or  put  them  down  somewheres  and  lost 
them.  He  says  he's  got  a  pain  like  he  had  swallowed 
them,  but  he  ain't  sure  but  what  it's  some  of  the 
cooking  he's  been  doing  that  give  him  that,  and 
anyway  he  wants  you  to  come  right  home." 

"  Goodness  sakes !  "  exclaimed  Miss  Sally,  "  why 
don't  he  go  see  Doc.  Weaver?  " 

The  boy  shook  his  head. 

"  I  don't  know,"  he  said.  "  I  guess  pa  didn't  think 
to  ask  him  that.  I'll  have  him  ask  him  when  I  git 
back." 

The  departure  of  Miss  Sally  made  a  break  in  the 
orderly  progress  of  the  picnic,  for  it  not  only  ter 
minated  her  part  of  the  day's  pleasures,  but  also 
cut  short  her  visit  in  Clarence,  and  she  had  to  say 
farewell  to  all  the  picknickers  before  she  could  go. 


42  KILO 

Eliph'  Hewlitt  offered  to  drive  her  to  Clarence,  but 
she  refused  him,  and  arranged  to  have  one  of  the 
young  boys,  who  had  a  faster  horse,  drive  her  to 
Kilo.  The  whole  picnic  leaned  over  the  rail  fence 
and  watched  until  she  was  out  of  sight,  and  then 
went  on  with  the  lunch,  which  was  just  ready  when 
her  summons  came. 

It  was  a  severe  blow  to  Eliph'  Hewlitt.  He  had 
hoped  to  have  carried  his  courtship  so  far  during 
the  day  that  it  would  have  been  at  least  to  the  third 
paragraph  of  the  first  page  of  "  Courtship — How 
to  Win  the  Affections,"  and  now  Miss  Sally  had  left, 
and  he  had  not  progressed  at  all.  It  reminded  him 
of  the  quotation  in  the  Alphabet  of  Quotations,  in 
Jarby's  Encyclopedia,  "The  Course  of  True  Love 
Never  Did  Run  Smooth." 

Miss  Sally's  departure,  however,  and  the  strange 
circumstance  of  it,  allowed  him  to  ask  questions  about 
her  and  about  Kilo  that  he  could  not  otherwise  have 
asked.  He  learned  how  far  she  would  have  to  travel  to 
reach  Kilo,  who  her  father  was,  and  all  that  he  wished 
to  know.  He  decided  that  the  only  course  for  him 
to  follow  was  to  omit  his  canvass  of  the  interlying 
farms  and  of  the  town  of  Clarence  for  the  present, 
and  follow  Miss  Sally  to  Kilo. 

When  the  picnic  ended,  Irontail  had  released  the 


"HOW  TO  WIN  AFFECTIONS"  43 
rein,  and  Eliph'  Hewlitt  drove  off,  well  pleased  with 
his  day's  work.  He  had  not  only  secured  a  wife — for 
he  had  no  doubt  that  it  only  needed  an  application 
of  the  rules  set  forth  in  Jarby's  Encyclopedia  in 
order  to  "  Win  the  Affections  "  of  Miss  Sally,  and 
"  Hold  Them  When  Won,"  but  he  took  with  him  sub 
scriptions  for  sixteen  volumes  of  Jarby's  Encyclope 
dia  of  Knowledge  and  Compendium  of  Literature, 
Science  and  Art,  bound  in  cloth,  five  dollars,  and  two 
bound  in  morocco,  at  seven  fifty. 


CHAPTER    IV 
KILO 

THE  next  evening  Jim  Wilkins,  landlord  of  the 
Kilo  House,  and  proprietor  of  the  Kilo  Livery,  Feed 
and  Sale  Stable,  was  sitting  in  front  of  his  hotel, 
with  his  chair  tipped  back  against  the  wall,  trading 
bits  of  indolent  gossip  with  Pap  Briggs,  when  Eliph' 
Hewlitt  drove  his  horse  Irontail  down  Main  Street, 
and  pulled  up  before  the  hotel.  Pap  Briggs  had  not 
swallowed  his  store  teeth;  he  had  not  even  worn 
them  to  bed,  and  Miss  Sally  found  them  on  top 
of  the  pump  in  the  back  yard,  where  Pap  had  doubt 
less  put  them  when  he  went  to  pump  himself  a  drink. 
He  often  lost  them,  as  he  wore  them  more  for  orna 
ment  than  for  use,  and  commonly  removed  them 
when  he  wished  to  talk,  eat,  or  laugh.  It  was  Sally 
who  made  him  buy  them,  and  he  wore  them  more  for 
her  sake  than  for  any  other  reason,  and  he  was  al 
ways  uncomfortable  with  them,  for  they  were  a  plain, 
unmistakable  misfit,  and  felt,  as  he  said,  "  like  I  got 
my  mouth  full  o'  tenpenny  nails."  When  out  of 
Sally's  sight  he  avoided  this  feeling  by  carrying  them 
in  his  hand,  hidden  in  his  red  bandanna  handkerchief. 

44 


KILO  45 

About  town  he  used  to  show  them  with  a  great  deal 
of  pride,  and  openly  boasted  of  their  cost  and 
beauty.  On  Sunday  he  wore  them  all  day. 

Whenever  Eliph'  Hewlitt  drove  into  a  town  he 
looked  about  with  a  seeing  eye,  for  he  had  learned 
to  judge  the  capacity  of  a  place  for  Jarby's  Ency 
clopedia  by  the  appearance  of  the  town,  but  as  he 
drove  into  Kilo  he  was  more  than  usually  interested. 
If  this  was  the  home  of  Miss  Sally  Briggs,  it  followed 
that  when  he  had  completed  his  courtship,  and  had 
won  her  affections  and  held  them,  it  would  be  his 
home,  also,  and  he  was  curious  to  see  whether  it  was 
a  town  he  would  like  or  not  like.  He  liked  it.  It  was 
a  real  American  town,  and  it  looked  like  a  good  busi 
ness  town,  because  there  could  be  no  possible  reason 
for  people  building  a  town  on  that  particular  situa 
tion  unless  it  was  for  business. 

The  town  was  built  on  a  flat  space,  and  the  country 
was  flat  on  all  sides  of  it.  It  was  on  no  river,  brook, 
or  creek.  It  was  as  unbeautiful  in  location  as  it  was 
in  architecture.  It  was  just  a  homely,  common,  busy 
little  Iowa  village,  and  even  so  late  in  the  evening  it 
was  as  hot  as  Sahara;  but  Eliph'  Hewlitt  knew  it 
at  once  for  a  good  town,  for  the  street  was  knee 
deep  in  dust,  which  meant  much  trade,  and  the  four 
buildings  at  the  corners  of  Main  and  Cross  Streets 


46  KILO 

were  of  trick,  which  meant  profitable  business.  There 
were  a  couple  of  other  brick  buildings  on  Main 
Street,  and  one  or  two  with  "  tin  "  fronts,  and  of 
the  other  business  places  only  one  or  two  were  so 
ramshackle  that  they  looked  as  if  their  firmer  neigh 
bors  were  holding  them  up,  letting  the  weaker  struc 
tures  lean  against  them  as  a  strong  man  might  sup 
port  an  invalid. 

Eliph'  Hewlitt  liked  the  town ;  it  was  just  his  idea 
of  what  a  town  should  be,  not  much  as  to  style,  but 
business-like.  There  were  two  full  blocks  of  Main 
Street  devoted  to  business,  and  nearly  half  a  block 
of  Cross  Street  was  given  over  to  the  same  purpose, 
and  the  dwellings  were  well  scattered  over  the  sur 
rounding  level  tract.  Three  or  four  of  the  dwellings 
"  out  Main  Street "  had  conspicuous  lawns  that  had 
felt  the  blades  of  a  lawn  mower,  but  most  of  the 
yards  were  merely  grass,  with  flower  beds  filled  with 
the  more  hardy  kinds  of  flowers,  such  as  would  grow 
tall  and  show  over  the  top  of  the  surrounding  grass. 
The  plank  walks,  which  on  Main  and  Cross  Streets 
were  made  of  boards  laid  crossways,  tapered  down 
into  narrow  walks  with  the  boards — two  of  them — 
laid  lengthways  very  soon  after  the  stores  were 
passed,  and  a  little  farther  out  became  dirt  paths 
alongside  the  fences,  and  beyond  fhat  pedestrians, 


KILO  47 

were  supposed  to  walk  in  the  road.  But  most  of  the 
houses  were  painted,  either  freshly,  or  at  least  not  an 
ciently. 

The  corner  of  Main  and  Cross  Streets,  the  busi 
ness  center  of  Kilo,  was  like  the  business  centers  of 
other  small  country  towns.  A  long  hitching  rail  ex 
tended  at  the  side  of  the  street  before  the  buildings 
on  each  corner,  and  the  dirt  beneath  was  worn  away 
by  the  scraping  of  the  feet  of  the  many  horses  that 
had  been  tied  to  the  rails.  Just  below  the  corner, 
on  Cross  Street,  were  other  holes  worn  by  tossing 
horseshoes  at  pegs,  which,  if  America  was  composed 
of  small  towns  only,  would  be  our  national  game. 

It  was  a  good  little  town,  and  Eliph'  Hewlitt  was 
pleased. 

On  one  of  the  corners  of  Main  Street  stood  the 
Kilo  Hotel,  and  before  it  Eliph'  checked  the  slow 
gait  of  Irontail. 

Jim  Wilkins,  the  landlord,  tipped  his  chair  for 
ward,  and  got  out  of  it  with  a  grunt  of  laziness. 

"Hotel  running?"  asked  Eliph'  Hewlitt  briskly. 

"  You  might  call  it  runnin'  if  you  wasn't  diction 
ary-particular  what  you  called  it,"  said  the  landlord. 
"  If  you  had  to  keep  it  you'd  more  likely  say  it  was 
tryin'  to  learn  to  walk.  But  it's  open  for  business. 
Want  your  rig  put  up?  " 


48  KILO 

"  Yes,"  admitted  Eliph'.  "  I've  had  my  supper." 

"  That's  all  right,"  said  the  landlord  cheerfully. 
"  I'm  sort  of  glad  of  it ;  save  the  old  lady  gittin'  up 
a  meal.  I  was  just  tellin'  Pap  Briggs  here  that  I  fig- 
gered  Kilo  had  the  hottest  mean  summer  temperature, 
and  the  meanest  hot  summer  temperature  on  earth, 
and  it's  hotter  over  a  kitchen  stove  than  anywheres 
else.  We  generally  have  cold  suppers  in  this  here 
hotel,  unless  some  guest  happens  in.  Hey,  S.  Potts! 
Come  here  and  git  this  feller's  horse ! " 

The  livery  stable  was  convenient,  just  around  the 
corner  on  Cross  Street,  and  S.  Potts  came  lankly 
and  lazily  around  the  corner.  He  stood  and  looked 
at  Irontail  a  minute  critically,  and  then  felt  the 
horse's  hocks  and  shook  his  head  at  the  result  of  his 
investigation.  Then  he  opened  Irontail's  mouth  and 
looked  at  his  teeth. 

"Well,  I'll  be  hanged!"  he  said,  and  he  called 
around  the  corner,  "  Hey,  Daniel !  "  and  from  the  liv 
ery  stable  came  a  very  old  man. 

"  Look  at  this,"  said  S.  Potts,  opening  Irontail's 
mouth  again,  and  Daniel  looked  and  shook  his  head, 
as  S.  Potts  had  done. 

"  And  feel  this,"  said  S.  Potts,  putting  his  hand 
on  Irontail's  hock  again.  Daniel  felt  as  he  was  told, 
and  again  shook  his  head. 


KILO  49 

"  Now,  what  do  you  make  of  that?  "  asked  S. 
Potts  triumphantly. 

"  I  dunno  what  to  make  of  it,  S.  Potts,"  said  the 
old  man,  shaking  his  head.  "  What  do  you  make  of 
it?" 

The  landlord  broke  in  upon  the  conversation  with 

sudden  energy. 

"  Look  here,"  he  said,  "  you  git  that  horse  around 
to  the  stable,  and  shut  up,"  and  S.  Potts  and  Daniel 
hastily  clambered  into  the  buggy  and  drove  around 
the  corner. 

"  I  wonder  if  anything's  the  matter  with  my 
horse?"  said  Eliph'. 

"Matter?"  laughed  Jim  Wilkins.  "That's  just 
S.  Potts  tryin'  to  show  off  before  strangers,  like  he 
always  does.  He  don't  mean  no  harm,  but  he  can't 
be  satisfied  to  just  come  around  and  git  a  horse  and 
lead  it  to  the  stable.  He's  got  to  draw  attention  to 
hisself  or  he  ain't  happy.  He's  harmless,  but  he's 
just  naturally  one  of  the  know-it-all  kind,  and  he's 
got  to  show  off." 

There  is  no  man  in  a  small  town  who  can  give  such 
a  satisfying  and  official  welcome  to  a  stranger  as 
that  given  by  the  liveryman,  and  when  the  landlord 
of  the  hotel  and  the  owner  of  the  livery  stable  are 
combined  in  one  man  he  is  better  than  a  reception 


50  KILO 

committee  composed  of  the  mayor  and  the  leading 
citizens.  He  is  glad  to  see  the  stranger,  and  he  lets 
him  know  it.  He  has  a  gruff,  hearty,  and  not  too 
servile  manner,  and  a  way  of  speaking  of  the  men 
of  the  town  and  the  farmers  of  the  surrounding 
country  as  if  he  owned  them.  Having  bought  horses 
of  many  of  then,  he  knows  their  bad  traits,  and  he 
has  an  air  of  knowing  much  more  than  he  would  will 
ingly  tell  regarding  them.  He  is  not  inquisitive  about 
the  stranger's  business,  and  is  willing  to  give  him  in 
formation.  Probably  it  is  his  trade  of  buying  and 
selling  and  renting  horses  that  gives  him  such  a  flavor 
of  his  own,  for  he  knows  that  the  horses  he  lets  out 
on  livery  are  often  as  intelligent  as  the  men  who  hire 
them.  He  comes  as  near  the  chivalric  model  of  the 
old  Southern  planter  as  a  Northern  business  man  can, 
but  his  slaves  are  horses,  and  his  overseer  the  hostler. 
He  is  a  man  in  authority,  even  though  his  authority 
is  over  horses. 

Modern  civilization  has  few  finer  sights  and  sounds 
than  the  liveryman  when  he  is  asked  if  he  has  a  horse 
he  can  let  out  for  a  ten-mile  drive  into  the  country. 
He  looks  at  the  supplicant  doubtfully ;  "  Well,  I 
dunno,"  he  says,  "  where  was  it  you  wanted  to  drive 
to  ?  "  He  receives  the  answer  with  a  non-committal 
air.  "  That's  nearer  fourteen  mile  than  ten,"  he  says, 


KILO  51 

and  then  turns  to  the  hostler.  "  Say,  Potts,  Billy's 
out,  ain't  he?  "  Potts  growls  out  the  answer,  "  Doc 
Weaver's  got  him  out.  Won't  be  back  till  seven." 
The  liveryman  pulls  slowly  at  his  cigar,  and  runs  his 
hand  over  his  hair.  "  How's  the  bay  mare's  hoof  to 
day?"  he  asks.  Potts  shakes  his  head.  "That's 
right,"  says  the  liveryman,  "  it  don't  do  to  take  no 
chances  with  a  hoof  like  that.  And  we  haven't  got  a 
thing  else  in  the  barn  except  that  black  horse,  have 
we,  Potts  ? "  "  Everything  else  out,"  says  Potts. 
The  liveryman  walks  away  a  few  steps,  and  then 
turns  suddenly.  "  Hitch  up  the  black,  Potts,"  he 
says,  with  an  air  of  sudden  recklessness.  "  Put  him 
in  that  light,  side-bar  buggy  of  Doc.  Weaver's. 
Want  a  hitching  strap?  Put  in  a  hitching  strap, 
Potts.  And  that  new  whip." 

The  result  is  that  you  get  the  horse  and  buggy 
the  liveryman  intended  you  to  have  from  the  minute 
he  saw  you  coming  toward  him  down  the  street,  but 
you  get  it  with  a  fine  touch  of  style  that  is  worth 
much  in  this  dollar  and  cent  world.  Potts  drives  the 
rig  around  to  where  you  are  standing,  and  the  liv 
eryman  sends  Potts  back  to  get  a  clean  laprobe  in 
stead  of  the  one  that  is  in  the  buggy.  He  pats  the 
horse  on  the  neck  as  you  climb  in,  and  as  you  pick  up 
the  reins  he  says,  as  if  conferring  a  parting  favor 


52  KILO 

that  money  could  not  repay,  "  Keep  a  fair  tight  rein 
on  him;  it's  the  first  time  he  has  been  out  of  the 
stable  to-day." 

Eliph'  Hewlitt,  in  his  travels,  had  learned  the 
value  of  the  liveryman.  He  used  him  as  friend  and 
directory.  None  else  could  tell  him  so  well  where  tK* 
prosperous  farmers  lived,  nor  who  was  most  likely 
to  fall  a  victim  to  Jarby's  Encyclopedia  in  the  town 
itself.  From  the  liveryman  he  could  learn  which  min 
ister,  if  there  were  more  than  one,  would  be  the  best 
to  have  head  his  list  of  subscribers,  which  lady  was 
head  of  the  Society,  and  what  society  she  was  head 
of.  He  took  one  of  the  chairs  that  were  ranged  along 
the  side  of  the  hotel,  and  laid  his  sample  across  his 
knees.  He  chose  the  chair  that  was  next  to  Pap 
Briggs,  for  he  was  ready  to  become  acquainted  with 
the  man  he  intended  soon  to  have  for  a  father-in-law. 

"  Nice  town  you  got  here,"  he  said. 

"  She's  purty  good,"  agreed  Pap,  "  except  for 
taxes.  Taxes  is  eternal  high,  and  it's  all  us  propputy 
owners  can  do  to  keep  'em  from  goin'  clean  out  o' 
sight.  City  council  don't  seem  to  care  a  dumb  how 
high  they  git.  I  wish't  I'd  stayed  on  my  farm." 

"  Taxes  ain't  so  high  here  as  what  they  are  in 
Jefferson,  Pap,"  suggested  the  landlord.  "  If  you 
lived  down  there  they'd  make  you  holler,  all  right." 


KILO  53 

"  Well,  Jim,"  said  Pap,  "  they  ain't  much  choice. 
If  these  here  young  fellers  git  their  way  taxes  will 
go  right  up.  What  do  they  want  to  decorate  this  here 
town  all  up  for,  anyhow?  What  you  think  young 
Toole  was  sayin'  to  me  to-day?  He  was  sayin'  it 
was  a  disgrace  to  Kilo  to  have  the  public  square 
rented  out  an'  a  crop  o'  buckwheat  growin'  in  it. 
He  says  we  ought  to  plant  it  in  grass  an'  stick  a 
fountain  in  the  middle.  But  that's  the  way  she  goes ; 
anything  to  raise  up  the  taxes.  All  I  says  to  him 
was,  '  All  right,  who'll  pump  water  to  make  the  foun 
tain  squirt?  Suppose  the  taxpayers  '11  take  turns, 
hey?'" 

"  Well,"  said  the  landlord,  "  I  ain't  in  favor  of  a 
fountain,  myself.  I  reckon  a  nice  piece  of  statuary 
would  look  better,  so  long  as  we  ain't  got  water 
works  to  make  the  fountain  fount  out  water.  But  it 
don't  look  right  to  have  a  public  square  rented  out 
to  grow  buckwheat  in.  It  ain't  city-like." 

"  It  brings  in  seven  dollars  a  year  to  the  town," 
said  Pap,  "  an'  that's  better  than  payin'  out  good 
money  for  statuary.  I'm  agin  high  taxes  every  time. 
It  costs  too  much  to  live,  anyhow,  especially  when 
you've  got  a  daughter  to  support,  and  no  money 
comin'  in,  to  speak  of.  And  just  when  some  does 
come  in,  along  comes  a  pesky  book  agent  or  somethin' 


54  K  I  L  O 

and  fools  the  women  out  of  the  money.  They  ought 
to  be  a  law  agin  book  agents.  City  council  ought 
to  put  a  license  on  'em,  and  keep  'em  out  of  town." 

Eliph'  Hewlitt  coughed  gently  behind  his  hand. 

"  Some  towns,"  he  said  softly,  "  do  have  licenses 
against  book  agents.  One  of  the  relics  of  the  dark 
ages,  but  abolished  wherever  the  light  o'  culture  is 
loved  and  esteemed.  What  so  helpful  as  the  book? 
What  so  comforting?  What  so  uplifting?  And  who 
but  the  book  agent  carries  help  and  comfort  and  up 
lift,  and  leaves  it  scattered  around,  one  dollar  down 
and  one  dollar  a  month  until  paid ;  who  but  the  hum 
ble  but  useful  book  agent?  To  mention  but  one  book, 
Jarby's  Encyclopedia  of  Knowledge  and  Compendium 
of  Literature,  Science,  and  Art  has  carried  wis 
dom  into  a  million  homes,  making  each  better  and 
brighter.  It  is  a  book  that  makes  the  toil  of  the  day 
easy,  by  giving  one  thousand  and  one  hints  and  helps, 
and  that  sweetens  rest  after  toil,  by  quotations  from 
all  the  world's  great  authors.  In  this  one  book " 

Pap  Briggs  had  put  his  hands  on  the  arms  of  his 
chair,  preparing  to  run  away,  but  the  landlord  leaned 
forward  and  looked  in  Eliph'  Hewlitt's  face. 

"  Say,"  he  said,  "  is  your  name  Mills?  " 

"Hewlitt,"  said  the  book  agent,  "Eliph'  Hew 
litt." 


KILO  55 

He  turned  to  the  landlord  and  looked  him  fairly 
in  the  face,  and  as  he  looked  the  air  of  suspicion 
that  had  suddenly  shone  in  his  eyes  vanished. 

"Jim  Wilkins!"  he  exclaimed.  "Isn't  it  Jim 
Wilkins?" 

"  Ain't  it !  "  cried  the  landlord.  "  Well,  I  should 
say  it  is !  And  to  think,  you  little,  sawed-off  propa 
gator  of  human  knowledge  didn't  recognize  your 
old  side  pardner  in  the  field  of  sellin'  improvin'  and 
intellectooal  works  of  genius !  Don't  say  you  don't 
remember  the  *  Wage  of  Sin,'  Sammy !  Don't  say 
you  don't  remember  Kitty  !  " 

"  Kitty?  "  asked  Eliph'  doubtfully. 

"  Well,  if  the  little  red-head  ain't  forgot  Kitty ! " 
exclaimed  Wilkins.  "  Why,  I  married  Kitty,  Sammy. 
For  an  actual,  truthful  fact  I  did.  And  to  think  I 
should  run  across  Sammy  Mills  after  all  these  years." 

"Hewlitt,"  said  Eliph'.  "Eliph'  Hewlitt  is  the 
name  I'm  known  by." 

"  And  to  think  you  stuck  by  that  name  all  these 
years ! "   said  Wilkins.  "  And  still   sellin'   works   of 
literatoor,  are  you?  Pap,  this  is  my  old  boylio 
chum  come  meanderin'  backwards   out  of  the  ;  ti 
And  still  sellin'  books !  Well,  I  don't  want  to  disc 
age  your  ambitiousness,  but  I  guess  you've  struck 
Kilo  about  the  worst  time  in  the  century.  Ever  hear 


56  KILO 

of  a  literary  writer  called  Sir  Walter  Scott?  Well, 
sir,  Kilo  is  chuck  full  of  Sir  Walter ;  full  as  a  goat. 
She  ain't  begun  to  near  git  through  with  Sir  Walter 
yet,  and  I  don't  figger  she'll  take  in  no  more  libraries 
just  now.  Sir  Walter  hit  her  pretty  hard." 

"  Ten  volumes,  fifteen  dollars  cloth,  twenty  dol 
lars  half  morocco?"  inquired  Eliph'  Hewlitt. 

"  The  identical  same,"  said  the  landlord.  "  I  pur 
chased  a  group  of  Sir  Walters  in  red  leather  myself. 
So  did  everybody  in  Kilo ;  at  least  I  ain't  found  any 
body  that's  been  missed  yet.  Pap  here  got  some." 

"  My  daughter  Sally "  began  the  old  man. 

"  Same  thing,"  said  Wilkins;  "  you  pay  just  the 
same  as  if  you  bought  the  books.  Why,  Sammy, 
there's  enough  Sir  Walter  right  here  in  Kilo  now  to 
start  up  a  book  business.  Kilo's  light  on  literatoor 
generally,  but  when  she  goes  in,  she  goes  in  heavy. 
There  ain't  many  towns  where  you'll  find  every  livin' 
soul  ready  to  swaller  down  fifteen  dollars  worth  of 
Sir  Walter  Scott,  two  dollars  down  and  one  dollar  a 
month  until  paid;  but  I  calculate  them  ten  volumes 
will  last  Kilo  quite  a  spell,  and  if  worst  comes  to 
worst  she  won't  buy  no  more  literatoor  till  she  gits 
paid  up  on  Sir  Walter.  I  figger  from  my  own  sense 
of  feelin's  that  about  the  worst  time  to  sell  a  feller 
books  is  when  he  is  still  payin'  once  a  month  on  the 


KILO  57 

old  lot.  About  the  second  time  the  collector  drops  in 
to  collect  on  a  set  of  works  of  literatoor,  a  man  feels 
like  he  had  been  foolish,  but  he  grins  cheerful,  and 
pays  up,  but  if  another  man  drops  in  about  then  to 
sell  another  set  of  the  world's  great  masterpieces  it 
is  pretty  near  an  insult  to  human  intelligence." 

Eliph'  Hewlitt  drew  his  hand  across  his  whiskers 
and  coughed  gently. 

"  They  told  me  in  Jefferson,"  he  said  softly,  "  that 
Kilo  was  the  most  intellectual  town  in  central  Iowa." 

"  Everybody  says  the  same,"  said  Wilkins  with  a 
touch  of  pride.  "  The  Sir  Walter  Scott  man  said  it, 
and  I  guess  it's  so.  But  there's  other  things  besides 
books.  Kilo  may  be  strong  and  willin'  on  books,  but 
she's  strong  other  ways,  too,  and  just  now  she  is 
lookin'  at  another  kind  of  horse,  and  that's  why  I 
say  you've  miscalculated  your  comin'.  If  I  was  you 
I'd  go  elsewhere  and  come  back  later.  Kilo  has  got 
more  books  now  than  she  can  handle  without  strain 
ing  something,  and  just  now  her  mind's  off  on  an 
other  tack.  We  struck  a  big  missionary  revival  here 
last  week,  and  you  can  bet  a  wager  that  every  dollar 
that  goes  out  of  Kilo  these  days,  except  what  goes 
for  dues  on  Sir  Walter,  is  goin?  for  the  heathen. 
The  women  folks  is  havin'  a  sale  this  very  evenin'  to 
raise  cash  to  help  the  heathen." 


58  KILO 

Eliph'  Hewlitt  arose  from  his  chair  and  tucked  the 
oilcloth-covered  parcel  that  had  been  lying  on  his 
knees  under  his  left  arm.  He  was  a  small  man,  and 
his  movements  were  apt  to  be  short  and  jerky. 

"  Missionary  sale?  "  he  said  briskly.  "  I  guess  I'll 
go  around  and  look  in  on  it.  Strangers  welcome,  I 
suppose?  I'm  rather  fond  of  missionary  sales,  and  I 
think  the  world  and  all  of  the  heathen.  Think  the 
ladies  would  like  to  see  a  stranger  ?  " 

Wilkins  grinned. 

"Pap,"  he  said,  "what  you  think?  Think  they'll 
fall  on  his  neck  if  he  has  any  money?  From  what  I 
have  experienced  of  them  sales  I  figger  to  calculate 
that  anybody  that  is  anxious  to  buy  gingham  aprons 
an'  sofa  pillows  is  sure  to  be  took  by  the  hand  and 
given  a  front  seat.  I'd  go  around  with  you,  but  I've 
got  my  taxes  to  pay,  like  Pap  here,  and  I  don't  actu 
ally  need  any  pink  tidies.  It  ain't  far ;  just  up  to  Doc 
Weaver's;  two  blocks  up,  and  you  can't  miss  the 
house.  It's  the  yeller  mansion,  this  side  the  road,  an' 
the  gate's  off  the  hinges  and  laid  up  alongside  the 
fence.  But  I  guess  if  them's  your  samples  in  that 
there  package,  you  might  as  well  leave  them  here." 

But  Eliph'  Hewlitt  did  not  leave  them  there;  he 
tucked  them  under  his  arm,  and  hurried  away  with 
brisk  little  steps. 


CHAPTER   V 
SAMMY    MILLS 

THERE  ought  to  be  a  license  agin  book  agents," 
said  Pap  Briggs  spitefully,  when  Eliph'  Hewlitt  had 
hurried  away. 

"  It  wouldn't  harm  that  feller,"  said  Wilkins. 
"  He's  a  red  hot  one  at  book-agenting,  he  is,  an' 
he'd  find  out  some  way  to  git  round  it.  I  hear  lots 
of  book  agents  that  come  round  this  way  tell  of  him. 
He's  got  a  record  of  sellin'  more  copies  of  that  ency 
clopedia  book  of  his  than  any  one  man  ever  sold  of 
any  one  book,  an'  he's  a  sort  of  hero  of  the  book- 
agenting  business.  It  makes  me  proud  to  call  to  re 
membrance  that  him  an'  me  was  kids  together  down 
at  Franklin,  years  ago.  Him  an'  me  took  to  the  book- 
agentin'  biz  the  same  day,  we  did.  I  needed  cash,  like 
I  always  do,  and  he  had  literatoor  in  the  family.  So 
we  went  an'  did  it.  We  did  it  to  Gallops  Junction 
first,  and  after  that  Eliph'  sowed  literatoor  pretty 
general  all  over  Iowa,  an'  next  I  heard  of  him  all 
over  the  United  States.  Iowa  is  now  a  grand  State, 
and  as  full  of  culture  as  a  Swiss  cheese  is  full  of 
holes,  an'  I  don't  take  all  the  credit  for  it;  I  give 


60  KILO 

Eliph'  his  share.  Hotels  help  to  scatter  the  seed,  but 
literatoor  scatters  more. 

"  One  day,  down  there  at  Franklin,  Eliph'  says  to 
me,  '  Jim,  you  know  that  book  pa  wrote?  '  That's 
what  Eliph'  remarked  to  me  on  the  aforesaid  day,  but 
I  wish  to  state  his  name  wasn't  Eliph'  on  that  date, 
an'  it  wasn't  Hewlitt,  neither.  It  was  plain  Sammy ; 
Sammy  Mills.  Eliph'  Hewlitt  was  a  sort  of  fancy 
name  my  pa  had  give  to  a  horse  he  had  that  he 
thought  was  a  racer,  but  wasn't.  It  was  a  good 
enough  horse  to  enter  in  a  race,  but  not  good  enough 
to  win.  It  was  the  kind  of  race  horse  that  kept  pa 
poor,  but  hopeful. 

"  '  Why,  yes,  Sammy,'  I  says,  *  I've  heard  tell  of 
that  grand  literary  effort  of  your  dad.' 

" '  Well,'  he  says — we  was  sittin'  on  the  porch  of 
his  pa's  house — '  Pa  he  had  a  thousand  of  them 
printed.' 

" '  Dickens  he  did ! '  I  remarked,  supposin'  it  was 
up  to  me  to  do  some  remarkin'. 

"  '  And,'  says  Sammy,  '  he's  got  eight  hundred  an' 
sixty-four  of  them  highly  improvin'  an'  intellectooal 
volumes  stored  in  the  barn  right  now.' 

"  '  Quite  a  lib'ry,'  I  says,  off-hand  like. 

"  '  Numerous,  but  monotonous,'  says  Sam.  '  As  a 
lib'ry  them  books  don't  give  the  variety  of  topics 


S  A  M  M  Y     M  I  L  L  S  61 

they  oughter.  They  all  cling  to  the  same  subject  too 
faithful.  Eight  hundred  an'  sixty-four  volumes  of 
the  "  Wage  of  Sin,"  all  bound  alike,  don't  make 
what  I  call  a  rightly  differentiated  lib'ry.  When 
you've  read  one  you've  read  all.' 

" c  Alas ! '  I  says,  or  somethin'  like  that,  sympa 
thetic  an'  attentive. 

" 6  Likewise,'  says  Sam,  '  they  clutter  up  the  barn. 
They  ought  to  be  got  out  to  make  room  for  more 
hay.' 

"  This  was  indeed  true.  I  saw  it  was  all  good 
sense.  Horses  don't  take  to  literatoor  like  they  does 
to  hay. 

"  *  Well,'  says  Sammy,  '  what's  the  matter  with 
chuckin'  them  eight  hundred  an'  sixty-four  "  Wages 
of  Sin  "  into  the  rustic  communities  of  this  common 
wealth  of  Iowa,  U.  S.  A.?  Here  we've  got  a  barnful 
of  high-class,  intellectooal  poem,  an'  yon  we  have  a 
State  full  of  yearnin'  minds,  clamorous  for  mental 
improvement  at  one  fifty  per  volume.  It's  our  duty 
to  chuck  them  poems  into  them  minds,  an'  to  intel- 
lectooally  subside  them  clamors.' 

"  I  shook  my  head  quite  strenuous. 

"  '  Nix  for  me ! '  I  remarked ;  '  no  book-agenting 
for  me.' 

"  6  Who  said  book-agenting,'  asked  Sammy,  deeply 


62  KILO 

offended.  '  Do  you  calculate  that  the  son  of  a  high- 
class  author  of  a  famous  an'  helpful  book  would  turn 
book  agent?  Never!' 

"'What  then? 'I  asks  him. 

"  *  Just  a  little  salubrious  an'  entertainin'  canvas- 
sin'  for  a  work  of  genius,'  he  says.  '  A  few  heart-to- 
heart  talks  with  the  educated  ladies  of  Gallops  Junc 
tion  an'  Tomville  on  the  beauties  of  the  "  Wage  of 
Sin."  That  ain't  no  book-agenting,'  says  he,  '  that's 
pickin'  money  off  the  trees.  It's  pie  ready  cut  an' 
handed  to  us  on  a  plate  with  a  gilt  edge.  All  we've 
got  to  do  is  to  bite  it.' 

"  Now,  let  me  tell  you  right  here,  Pap,  that  the 
*  Wage  of  Sin  '  was  a  thoroughbred  treat  to  read. 
It  was  a  moral  book.  Next  to  the  Bible  it  was  the 
morallest  book  I  ever  tackled,  an'  when  W.  P.  Mills 
wrote  that  book  he  gave  the  literatoor  of  the  U.  S.  A. 
a  boost  in  the  right  direction  that  it  hasn't  recovered 
from  yet.  It  was  the  champion  long  distance  poem 
of  the  nineteenth  century.  That  book  showed  what 
a  chunky  an'  nervous  mind  old  W.  P.  Mills  had. 
There  was  ten  thousand  verses  to  that  book  of  poem, 
partitioned  off  into  various  an'  sundry  parts  so  the 
reader  thereof  could  sit  up  an'  draw  breath  about 
every  thousand  verses,  an'  get  his  full  wind  ready  for 
the  run  through  the  next  slice. 


S  A  M  M  Y     M  I  L  L  S  63 

"  That  *  Wage  of  Sin  '  book  was  surely  for  to  ad 
mire,  any  way  you  looked  at  it.  Take  the  subject; 
it  wasn't  any  of  your  little,  sawed-off,  one-year 
sprints.  No,  siree!  W.  P.  Mills  started  away  back 
in  the  front  vestibule  of  time.  He  said,  right  in  the 
preface — an'  that  was  all  poetry,  too 

Now,  reader,  go  along  with  me 
Away  back  to  eternity, 
A  hundred  thousand  years,  and  still 
Keep  backing  backwards  if  you  will. 

An'  when  he  got  away  back  there  he  sort  of  expec 
torated  on  his  hands  an'  started  in  at  Genesis,  Chap 
ter  One,  Verse  One,  an'  went  right  along  down 
through  the  Bible  like  a  cross-cut  saw  through  a 
cottonwood  log.  He  never  missed  a  single  event  that 
was  important,  if  true.  He  got  all  them  old  fellers 
rhymed  right  into  that  book — Jereboam,  Rehoboam, 
Meschach,  Shadrach,  an'  Abednego,  an'  all  the  whole 
caboodle,  from  Adam  with  an  A  to  Zaccheus  with  a  Z. 
"  That  certain  was  a  moral  tome,  an'  no  prevari 
cation.  It  was  plumb  drippin'  with  moral  from  start 
to  finish.  You  see  Eve  she  set  the  ball  a-rollin'  when 
she  swiped  them  apples.  That  was  where  she  done 
dead  wrong,  and  that  was  the  '  Sin  '  as  mentioned  in 
the  name  of  the  book,  an'  old  W.  P.  Mills  he  showed 
in  that  literary  volume  how  everybody  has  had  to 


64  KILO 

pay  the  '  Wages '  ever  since.  It  was  great.  I  never 
read  anything  else  moral  that  I  could  say  I  really 
hankered  for,  but  I  sure  did  enjoy  that  book.  Old 
W.  P.  Mills  was  a  wonder  at  poetry. 

"  It  beat  all  how  vivid  he  made  all  them  Old  Testa 
ment  people,  an'  the  things  they  did.  Why,  I  never 
cared  two  cents  for  Shadrach,  Meshach,  an'  Abed- 
nego  before  I  read  that  book,  but  after  I  did  read  it 
I  never  could  git  them  lines  of  W.  P.'s  out  of  my; 

head— 

The  King  perhaps  that  moment  saw 
A  thing  that  filled  his  soul  with  awe — 
Shadrach  and  Meshach,  to  and  fro, 
Walked  and  talked  with  Abednego. 

I  tell  you,  you  can't  obliterate  them  three  men  out  of 
your  mind  when  you  read  that  verse  once.  You  see 
them  walkin'  in  that  fiery  furnace,  even  when  you're  in 
your  little  bed ;  walkin'  an'  carryin'  on  a  conversation, 
which,  when  you  come  to  think  of  it,  was  the  most 
natural  thing  for  them  to  be  doin'.  You  wouldn't  look 
to  see  them  sit  down  on  a  hot  log,  or  to  stand  still 
sayin'  nothin'.  Walk  an'  talk,  that's  what  they  did, 
an'  it's  what  anybody  would  do  in  similar  circum 
stances.  I  guess  fiery  furnaces  has  that  effect  all  the 
world  over,  but  it  took  W.  P.  Mills  to  see  it  with  his 
mind's  eye,  an'  put  it  into  verses. 


SAMMY     MILLS  65 

"  So,  when  Sammy  gently  intimated  to  me  that  it 
was  his  pa's  book  we  was  to  canvass,  the  job  looked 
different.  I  might  shy  at  an  encyclopedia,  or  at  a 
life  of  Stephen  A.  Douglas,  but  to  handle  a  moral 
volume  like  the  '  Wage  of  Sin  '  sort  of  appealed  to 
the  financial  morality  of  my  conscience.  So  I  asked 
Sammy  what  the  gentlemanly  canvassers  would  get 
out  of  it. 

"  '  Pa  had  a  lot  of  faith  in  that  lyric  poem,'  says 
Sammy  to  me,  *  an'  no  one  had  a  better  right  to,  for 
he  wrote  it  himself,  but  the  publishing  game  was  dull 
an'  depressed  about  the  time  he  got  ready  to  issue  it 
forth,  an'  he  was  necessitated  to  compensate  the  cost 
of  printing  it  himself.  And,'  he  says,  '  the  rush  an' 
hurry  of  the  public  to  buy  that  book  is  such  it  re 
minds  me  of  the  eagerness  of  a  kid  to  get  spanked. 
So  I  figger  we  can  get  several  wagon-loads  of  "  Wage 
of  Sin  "  at  fifty  cents  per  volume.' 

"  '  That's  a  cheap  price,'  I  says,  c  that's  two  hun 
dred  verses  for  one  cent,  an'  the  cover  free.' 

"  Sammy  was  one  of  the  confidential  kind  that  gets 
close  up  to  your  ear  and  whispers,  even  if  he  is  only 
tellin'  you  that  it  looks  like  rain,  so  he  looks  all 
around  and  whispers  to  me: 

"  '  We'll  make  our  initiative  beginnin'  first  off  at 


66  KILO 

Gallops  Junction,'  he  says,  '  where  we  ain't  known, 
an'  where  pa  ain't  known,  an'  where  the  book  ain't 
known.  I've  a  premonition,'  he  says,  *  that  'twould 
be  better  so.  If  we  was  to  start  in  here  we  would 
get  discouraged,  for  the  folks  ain't  used  to  buyin' 
"  Wage  of  Sin."  They've  been  given  it  so  bountiful 
an'  free  that  pa  can't  give  away  another  copy  to  the 
poorest  man  in  town.  They've  got  so  that  they  run 
when  they  see  pa  cominV 

"  *  You've  got  sense  in  that  red  head  of  your'n,'  I 
says. 

" 6  For  me,'  he  says,  4  it  will  be  merely  a  voluptu 
ous  excursion.  It  will  be  pie  to  sell  that  book,  be 
cause  I  am  the  son  of  its  author.  Filial  relationship 
to  genius,'  he  says,  '  will  make  them  overawed,  an' 
grateful  to  be  allowed  to  buy  of  me,  but  you  will 
have  it  harder.  You  can't  claim  nearer  kin  to  genius 
than  that  you  helped  the  son  of  it  chop  wood  at  vari 
ous  and  sundry  times.' 

"  '  And  gave  him  a  handsome  black  eye  one  time,5 
I  says  reminiscently.  *  I'll  make  the  most  of  that. 
The  public  likes  anecdotes.' 

*  No,'  says  Sammy,  *  you  can  omit  to  mention 
that  black-eye  business.  That  kind  of  an  anecdote 
would  be  harrowing  to  the  minds  of  literary  inclined 
gentlefolks.  You  can  reminisce  about  how  you  helped 


I  recognized  her  immediate  as  the  prettiest  girl  of 
my  acquaintance 


S  A  M  M  Y  M  I  L  L  S  67 

me  carry  wood  while  I  recited  passages  of  poem  out, 
of  that  book  at  you.' 

"  What  I  would  have  spoke  next  don't  matter,  be 
cause  I  omitted  to  speak  it.  I  was  gettin'  a  glimmer 
of  an  idea  into  my  head,  and  I  wanted  to  get  it  clear 
in  and  settled  down  to  stay  before  I  lost  it.  It  got 
in,  an'  I  had  a  realization  that  it  was  an  O.  K.  idea, 
an'  that  it  beat  Sammy's  son-of-his-father  idea 
quite  scandalous. 

"  When  me  an'  Sammy  got  down  to  Gallops  Junc 
tion  we  found  that  as  a  municipality  of  art  an'  beauty 
it  was  a  red-hot  fizzle,  but  as  a  red-hot,  sizzling  sand- 
heap  it  was  the  leader  of  the  world.  As  near  as  we 
could  judge  from  a  premature  look  at  the  depot 
platform  the  principal  occupations  of  the  grizzly  in 
habitants  was  pickin'  sand  burrs  from  the  inside  rim 
of  their  pants-leg.  It  was  a  dreary  village,  but 
Sammy  restrained  my  unconscious  impulse  to  get 
right  aboard  the  train  again.  He  had  that  joyful 
light  of  combat  in  them  blue  eyes  of  his,  an'  he 
looked  at  that  bunch  of  paintless  houses  that  was 
dumped  around  the  Gallops  Junction  Hotel  like 
Columbus  must  have  looked  at  Plymouth  Rock  when 
he  landed  there. 

"  I  had  an  immediate  notion  that  the  thing  for  me 
to  do  was  to  go  over  to  the  hotel,  an'  sit  in  the  shade 


68  KILO 

there,  an'  study  the  inhabitants  a  while,  an'  get  the 
gauge  of  'em,  an'  learn  their  manners  an'  customs, 
before  harshly  thrustin'  myself  into  their  bosoms,  so 
I  went  an'  did  it ;  but  Sammy  proceeded  immediate  to 
visit  their  homes  with  the  '  Wage  of  Sin  '  in  one  hand 
an'  the  torch  of  culture  in  the  other. 

"  The  more  I  set  under  the  board  awning  of  that 
hotel  the  less  I  felt  like  goin'  forth  to  uplift  the  popu 
lace,  so  I  went  calmly  an'  respectfully  to  sleep,  like 
everybody  else  in  sight,  an'  the  gentle  hours  sizzled 
past  like  rows  of  hot  griddles. 

"  It  was  contiguous  to  five  o'clock  when  I  woke  up, 
an'  I  had  put  three  hours  of  blissful  ignorance  into 
the  past,  an'  I  seen  it  was  too  late  to  begin  my  labors 
of  helpfulness  that  day.  I  crossed  my  legs  the  other 
way  from  what  they  had  been  crossed,  an'  I  was  about 
to  extend  my  ruminations  to  other  thoughts,  when  I 
noticed  a  young  female  exit  out  of  a  grocery  store 
across  the  road.  She  had  a  basket  of  et  ceterys  on 
her  arm,  an'  a  face  that  was  as  beautiful  as  a  ham 
sandwich  looks  to  a  man  after  a  forty  days'  fast. 
I  recognized  her  right  away  as  the  prettiest  girl  of 
my  life's  experience,  an'  as  she  stepped  out  I  slid 
out  of  my  chair  an'  made  up  my  mind  to  make  a  dis 
posal  of  one  copy  of  that  book  as  soon  as  she  struck 
home. 


SAMMY     MILLS  69 

"  She  went  into  her  house  at  the  back  door,  as  most 
folks  do,  an'  before  she  slid  the  basket  off  her  plump 
but  modest  arm,  she  looked  up  with  surprise  to  see 
what  gentlemanly  visitor  was  knockin'  the  paint  off 
the  screen  door  with  his  knuckles.  The  glad  object 
that  her  eyes  beheld  was  me,  smilin'  an'  amiable,  with 
one  hand  shyly  feeling  if  my  necktie  was  loose,  while 
the  other  concealed  behind  my  back  the  interesting 
volume  entitled  the  '  Wage  of  Sin.' 

"  I  won't  circumlocute  about  how  I  got  in  and  got 
set  down  on  a  chair  alongside  of  the  kitchen  stove. 
Approaching  the  female  species  promptly  and  slick 
was  my  high  card  always.  So  there  I  set,  face  to  face 
with  that  beautiful  specimen  of  female  bric-a-brac, 
and  about  two  inches  from  a  ten-horse-power  cook 
stove  in  full  blossom.  It  was  a  warm  day,  and  extry 
warm  on  the  side  of  me  next  that  stove.  The  nigh  side 
of  me  felt  like  sudden  fever  aggravated  by  appli 
cations  of  breaths  from  the  orthodox  pit  of  brim 
stone,  and  even  my  off  side  was  perspirating  some. 

"  Thus  situated  before  that  young  female  lady,  I 
was  baked  but  joyous,  and  I  set  right  in  to  sell  her  a 
<  Wage  of  Sin.' 

"  '  Ma  genully  buys  books  when  we  buy  any,  but 
we  never  do,'  she  says. 

" '  Your  ma  in  now?  '  I  asks,  respectful,  but  in  a 


70  KILO 

way  to   show  that  her  eyes   and  hair  wasn't  being 

wasted  on  no  desert  hermit. 

66 *  Yes,  she's  in,'  she  says.  *  Looks  like  it's  guna 
rain.' 

"  *  It's  some  few  warm,'  I  says,  shifting  my  most 
cooked  side  a  little.  '  Can  I  converse  with  your  ma?  ' 

"  *  Only  in  spirit,'  she  says.  *  Otherwise  she's  en 
gaged.' 

"  '  Dead?  '  I  asks,  her  words  seeming  to  imply  her 
ma's  having  departed  hence. 

"  4  Oh,  no,'  she  says,  smiling.  c  She's  in  the  front 
room,  talking.  She  has  a  very  previous  engagement 
with  a  gent,  and  can't  break  away.' 

"'You'll  do  just  as  well,'  I  says,  *  if  not  better. 
You  have  that  intellectooal  look  that  I  always  spot 
on  the  genooine  lover  of  reading  matter.' 

" c  If  you  are  gun  to  talk  book,  you  better  git 
right  down  to  business  and  talk  book,'  she  says,  '  be 
cause  when  I  whoop  up  that  stove  to  git  supper,  as 
I'm  gun  to  soon,  it's  liable  to  git  warm  in  this 
kitchen.' 

"  I  took  a  look  at  the  cooking  apparatus,  and  de 
cided  that  she  knew  what  she  was  conversing  about.  I 
liked  the  way  she  jumped  right  into  the  fact  that 
I  had  a  few  things  to  say  about  books,  too.  She  was 
an  up-and-coming  sort,  and  that's  my  sort.  It's  up- 


S  A  M  M  Y     M  I  L  L  S  71 

and-comingness  that  has  made  the  Kilo  Hotel  what 
it  is. 

" fi  All  right,  sister,'  I  says,  '  this  book  is  the 
famous  "  Wage  of  Sin."  ' 

"'No?'  she  exclamates.  6  Not  the  "Wage  of 
Sin"?  The  celebrated  volume  by  our  fellow  lowan, 
Mr.  What's-his-name?  ' 

"  *  The  same  book ! '  I  says,  glad  to  know  its 
knowledge  had  passed  that  far  down  the  State. 
*  Price  one-dollar-fifty  per  each.  A  gem  of  purest 
razorene.  A  rhymed  compendium  of  wit,  informa 
tion,  and  highly  moral  so-forths.  Ten  thousand 
verses,  printed  on  a  new  style  rotating  duplex  press, 
and  bound  up  in  pale-gray  calico.  Let  me  quote  you 
that  sweet  couplet  about  the  flood: 

I  hear  the  mother  in  her  grief 
Imploring  heaven  for  relief 
As  up  the  mountain-side  she  drags 
Herself  by  mountain  peaks   and  crags. 

When  I  wrote  that ' 


"  '  When  you  wrote  that! '  she  cries  joyous,  stop 
ping  to  gaze  at  me.  *  What !  Do  I  see  before  me  a 
real,  genooine  author?  Do  I  see  in  our  humble  but 
not  chilly  kitchen  a  reely  trooly  author?' 

"  e  Yes'm,'  I  says,  modest,  like  G.  W.  when  his  papa 
caught  him  executing  the  cherry  tree.  *  I  wrote  it.  I 


72  K  I  L  0 

am  the  author.  Here,  as  you  see  me  now,  in  tropical 
but  dripping  diffidence,  I  am  the  author  of  that  tome. 
It's  a  warm  day.' 

"  She  stood  in  my  proximity  and  explored  me  with 
her  eyes. 

"  '  An  author ! '  she  says,  stunned  but  pleased.  '  A 
real  live  author !  My !  but  it  is  hard  for  me  to  grasp 
a  realization  of  that  fact.  So  you  wrote  it?  ' 

"  *  Yes'm,'  I  says  again.    '  I  done  it.' 

"  *  So  young,  too,'  she  says.  '  Genius  is  cert'nly 
a  wonderful  phenomenus.' 

" '  It's  easy  when  you  know  how,'  I  says  off-hand 
like.  *  Book-writing  is  born  in  us.  When  we  get 
warmed  up  to  it  it's  no  trick  at  all.  An  author  can't 
no  more  help  authorizing  than  a  stray  pup  can  help 
scratching.' 

"  '  But,'  she  says,  6  it  must  be  true  what  I've  heard 
about  authorizing  being  a  poor  paying  job.' 

"  *  Why? '  I  asks,  being  suspicious. 

"  Because,'  she  says,  '  if  it  wasn't  you  wouldn't  be 
touring  around  to  sell  your  own  books  after  you've 
wrote  them.  That  is  hard  work.  Now,  I  have  to  stay 
in  this  kitchen  and  perspire  because  I  have  to,  but  if 
you  was  rich  off  your  books  you  wouldn't  sit  on  that 
chair  and  get  all  stewed  up.  I  can  see  that.' 

"  '  What  you  can't  see,'  I  says, '  is  that  I  came  here 


SAMMY  MILLS  73 

just  because  I  was  the  writer  of  this  here  composition. 
Money  I  don't  desire  to  wish  for.  Being  a  rich  man 
and  a  philanthropist,  I  give  all  I  make  off  of  this 
book  to  the  poor.  But  it  ain't  everybody  can  experi 
ence  the  satisfiedness  of  seeing  a  reely  genooine 
author.  So  I  travel  around  exhibiting  myself  for  the 
good  of  the  public.  And  as  a  special  and  extraordi 
nary  thing — a  sort  of  guarantee  to  one  and  all  that 
they  have  seen  a  genooine  living  author — I  write 
my  autograph  in  each  and  every  volume  of  this  book 
that  I  sell  at  the  small  sum  of  one-fifty  per.  Think 
of  it !  Ten  thousand  verses ;  moral,  intellectooal,  and 
witty;  cloth  cover,  and  the  author's  own  autograph 
written  by  himself,  all  for  one-fifty.  The  autograph 
of  the  famous  boy  author.' 

"  *  That's  a  big  bargain,'  she  says,  thoughtful. 

"  '  Jigantic,'  I  says. 

"  *  Genius  is  cert'nly  a  wonderful  phenomenus,' 
she  repeats  again,  dreamy. 

"  '  Ain't  it ! '  I  responds,  sniffing  to  see  if  it  was  my 
pants  that  was  scorching.  *  Will  you  have  one 
vol.?' 

"  She  hesitated,  and  then  she  says,  *  No.  No,  I 
don't  dast  to.  Not  yet.  Not  till  I  see  how  ma  comes 
out.  Mebby  she'll  purchase  one  before  she  gits 
through  being  talked  to.' 


74  KILO 

"  I  set  straight  upward  on  my  hotly  warmed  chair. 
4  Being  talked  to ! '  I  says,  astonished. 

" '  Yes,'  says  that  sweet  sample  of  girl.  *  Your 
son,  you  know,  Mister  Samuel  Mills ;  he's  in  the  front 
room  interviewing  ma.' 

"  *  My  son! '  I  ejaculates  weakly,  the  thermometer 
in  my  spinal  backbone  going  up  ten  thousand  degrees 
hotter. 

"  '  Such  an  oldish  son,  too,'  she  says,  sinfully  joy 
ous,  *  for  such  a  youngish  father.  He  must  have  been 
two  years  old  the  day  you  were  born.  Genius  is  cer- 
t'nly  a  wonderful  phenomenus ! ' 

"  I  set  there  a  minute,  wilted,  but  nervous.  Then 
I  got  hot,  and  arose  in  anger. 

"  '  My  son ! '  I  says,  scornful.  £  So  that's  what  he 
says,  is  it?  Disgracing  his  father  in  that  way!  All 
right  for  him !  I  disown  him  out  of  my  family.  And 
I  furthermore  remark  that  he  ain't  my  son,  nor  never 
was.' 

"  *  Well,'  she  says,  '  you  needn't  get  so  hot 
about  it.  He's  a  hard  worker.  He's  been  here  all 
day.' 

"  *  I  ain't  hot,'  I  says,  forgetting  that  my  tempera 
ture  was  torrid  plus  glowing,  '  but  I'm  mad  to  think 
that  that  boy  which  I  hired  to  sell  my  book  should 
pass  himself  off  as  my  son,  and  then  stay  talking  all 


SAM  MY     MILLS  75 

day  in  one  place,  instead  of  selling  books  throughout 
the  promiscuous  neighborhood.' 

"  'Then,'  she  says,  as  if  for  the  first  time  seeing 
light,  '  that  young  man  in  there  ain't  no  son  of  the 
author  of  this  "  Sin  "  book?  ' 

" '  Never ;  subsequent  nor  previous,  nor  wasn't, 
nor  will  be,'  I  solemnly  made  prevarication. 

" '  Well,'  she  says,  '  he  said  he  was  when  he  come 
in ;  and  me  and  ma  didn't  think  it  likely  an  author 
person  would  have  his  son  out  book-peddling,  so  we 
asservated  back  that  he  wasn't;  and  him  and  ma  has 
been  having  a  high-grade  talking  match  all  day  in 
the  front  parlor  to  convince  each  other  otherwise 
than  what  they  are  convinced  of.' 

"  e  Him,'  continued  the  lovely  girl,  '  says  he'll  sell 
ma  a  book  because  he's  the  son  of  the  author  thereof, 
and  ma  says  she'll  buy  a  book  if  he  owns  up  truthful 
that  he  ain't  the  son  of  the  author  thereof.  She  says 
that  if  she  buys  a  book  off  of  him  when  he's  making 
false  witness  of  having  a  talented  dad  she'll  be  en 
couraging  lying,  which  she  can't  do,  being  a  full- 
blood  Baptist.  So  they've  got  a  deadlock,  and  the 
jury  is  hung,  and  the  plurality  is  equal  and  unbiased 
on  both  sides,  and  up  to  date  nobody  wins.' 

"  <  Then,'  I  says,  <  I  don't  sell  no  "  Wage  of  Sin," 
do  I? » 


76  KILO 

"  '  Not  as  no  author  of  it,'  she  says.  *  If  you  want 
to  tackle  us  as  a  common  book  agent,  you'll  find  us 
right  in  the  market.* 

"  '  Katie,'  I  says,  '  call  your  ma  out  here  a  minute. 
If  I  can  sell  a  copy  of  this  volume  I  am  willing 
to  sell  my  birthmark  for  a  mess  of  potash  any  day 
in  the  week.' 

" '  That,'  she  says,  cheerful,  '  is  spoke  like  a  finan 
cier  and  a  gentleman.' 

"  With  that  she  started  for  the  front  room,  but 
just  then  the  door  swung  open,  and  out  come  her  ma 
and  Sammy,  tired  with  fatigue,  but  satisfied. 

" '  What ! '  says  the  young  daughter,  '  is  the  tie 
untied?  Is  the  jawfest  concluded?  ' 

" '  It  is,'  says  the  maternal  ancestor  of  that  girl, 
weak  but  happy.  6  We  talked  seven  miles  and  six  fur 
loughs,  but  I  won.  He  has  renounced  his  sin.  He 
ain't  no  son  of  no  author.  I've  boughten  his  book.' 

"  I  gazed  at  Sammy  with  a  moist,  reproachful 
eye. 

"  *  Sammy !  Sammy ! '  I  says,  shaking  my  head,  *  to 
think ' 

"  '  Hush ! '  he  says,  fi  don't  say  it.  I  ain't  no 
Sammy.  I  ain't  no  Mills.  Them  is  not  my  name.' 

" '  Alas ! '  I  says,  mournful,  '  am  I  then  deceived 
since  childhood's  happy  hours  ?  ' 


SAMMY    MILLS  77 

"  I  see  fhe  respectable  old  lady  pricking  up  her 
ears  and  getting  ready  for  another  season  of  conver 
sation.  Sammy  likewise  made  the  same  observation^ 
and  he  fended  off  the  deadly  blow. 

"  *  Yes,'  he  says,  '  I  have  deceived  you.  My 
name  is ' 

"  He  stopped  and  looked  doubtful  and  perplexed, 
and  scratched  his  ear  with  his  forepaw. 

"  '  My  name  is '  he  says,  and  stops,  and  then 

he  turns  to  the  elderly  female,  and  asks  desperate: 
6  What  in  tunket  did  I  say  my  name  was  ?  ' 

"  <  Hewlitt,'  she  says,  «  Eliph'  Hewlitt.' 

"  '  Oh,  yes ! '  says  Sammy,  « that's  it.  I  guess  I'll 
just  write  that  down,  so  as  to  have  it  handy.  You 
know,'  he  says,  looking  at  me,  'my  memory's  awful 
bad  since  I  had  the  scarlet  fever.  It's  terrible.  Why, 
when  I  come  in  here  I  knowed  I  had  something  to  say 
about  this  book,  and  I  tried  to  remember,  and  I 
seemed  to  remember  that  I  was  the  son  of  the  author 
who  authored  it.  I  never  come  so  near  lying  in  my 
life.  I'm  all  in  a  tremble  over  it  to  think  how  near 
to  lying  I  was !  An'  I  got  the  notion  Eliph'  Hewlitt 
was  the  name  of  a  horse.' 

" c  Ma,'  says  Katie,  giving  me  a  wicked  smile, 
*  this  here  other  young  man  has  got  a  bad  scarlet- 
fever  memory,  too.  He's  come  near  to  lying,  likewise. 


78  KILO 

You'd  ought  to  speak  a  few  words  of  helpfulness 
with  him,  too ! ' 

"  '  Now,  here,'  I  says,  *  you  pass  that  by,  Katie. 
[All  that  that  I  said  was  a  novel  I  was  thinking  of 
writing  out  when  I  got  my  full  growth,  which  I  told 
you  to  pass  the  time  away  whiles  this  What's-his-name 
was  busy.  I  never  wrote  nothing ! ' 

"  '  Well,'  she  says,  '  you  don't  look  as  if  you  had 
the  sense  to,  so  I  guess  you  ain't  lying  now.' 

"  But  ma  lit  into  me,  and  spent  two  hours,  steady 
talk,  convincing  me  I  wasn't  W.  P.  Mills,  although 
every  time  she  said  I  wasn't  I  said  so,  too.  The  more 
I  agreed  that  I  wasn't  the  more  she  would  fire  up  and 
take  a  fresh  hold,  and  try  to  bear  it  home  to  me  that 
I  wasn't.  There  was  never  in  the  world  such  a  long 
fight,  with  both  sides  saying  the  same  thing.  Ordi 
nary  persons  couldn't  have  done  it,  but  that  lady 
mother  could,  an'  did,  an'  every  now  an'  then  she 
would  dig  into  Sammy  again,  just  to  keep  him  con 
vinced  that  he  wasn't  Sammy.  An'  all  of  it  was  right 
near  to  that  enthusiastical  stove.  So  at  last  she  laid 
a  couple  of  extra  hard  words  against  us  an'  we  keeled 
over,  as  you  might  say,  an'  toppled  out  of  the  kitchen. 
We  was  dazed  with  language  that  was  all  words,  an' 
when  we  come  to  the  gate  we  was  so  stupefied  that  we 
climbed  right  over  it,  an'  so  weak  that  we  fell  down 


SAMMY    MILLS  79 

off  the  other  side  of  it,  an'  Sammy  all  the  time  re- 
peatin'  '  Eliph'  Hewlitt,'  like  a  man  in  a  dream.  By 
next  day  he  was  able  to  leave  the  hotel,  an'  he  took 
the  train,  an'  I  ain't  seen  him  until  this  day,  so  I 
guess  he  stuck  right  to  that  name,  for  fear  he  might 
meet  the  talkin'  lady  again.  I  don't  see  how  he  could 
get  the  name  out  of  his  system  when  once  Katie's  ma 
had  talked  it  in,  anyway,  for  she  was  a  great  talker. 
I  ought  to  know,  for  I  went  back  an'  chinned  with 
Katie  as  soon  as  I  got  the  daze  out  of  my  head,  an' 
the  long-come  short-come  of  it  was  I  married  Katie. 

"  When  Sammy  comes  back  I  want  to  ask  him  if  he 
sold  out  all  them  '  Wage  of  Sin  '  books.  I  never  sold 
but  one,  an'  I  didn't  sell  that — I  gave  it  to  Katie  for 
a  wedding  present." 

"  You  done  right  when  you  give  up  the  book  agent 
business,  Jim,"  said  Pap  Briggs.  "  There  ought  to 
be  a  license  agin  all  of  'em." 


CHAPTER    VI 
THE    CASTAWAY 

ELIPH'  HEWLITT,  when  he  reached  the  large, 
yellow  house,  found  the  door  open.  The  sale  was  well 
over.  The  gingham  aprons  and  the  cat-stitched  dust 
ing  cloths  were  all  sold,  and  only  a  few  crocheted 
slipper-bags  and  similar  luxuries  remained,  and  these 
were  being  offered  at  greatly  reduced  prices,  much 
to  the  chagrin  of  the  ladies  who  had  contributed 
them.  The  cashiers  were  counting  the  results  of  the 
evening's  business,  and  the  other  ladies  were  grouped 
about  the  minister,  who  stood  in  the  middle  of  the  par 
lor,  laughingly  explaining  the  merits  of  a  plush-cov 
ered  rolling-pin  he  had  purchased  in  a  moment  of 
folly. 

Eliph'  Hewlitt  tapped  on  the  door  to  call  attention 
to  his  presence,  and  walked  into  the  parlor.  Mrs. 
Doctor  Weaver  came  forward,  a  shade  of  anxiety 
on  her  face. 

"  Mrs.  Doctor  Weaver,  I  suppose,"  said  Eliph' 
Hewlitt.  "Well,  my  name  is  Hewlitt,  Eliph'  Hew 
litt,  and  I  heard  of  this  sale  at  the  hotel.  The  land 
lord  said  strangers  were  welcome " 

80 


THE     CASTAWAY  81 

"  Of  course  they  are ! "  exclaimed  Mrs.  Doctor 
Weaver.  "  I'm  afraid  all  the  best  things  are  gone, 
they  went  off  so  quickly  to-night;  but  you're  just  as 
welcome,  I'm  sure,  an'  mebby  you'll  find  something 
you'd  like,  though  I  suppose  you're  a  travelin'  man, 
an'  I  don't  see  what  you'd  do  with  a  knit  tidy,  or  a 
rickrack  pin  cushion,  unless  you've  got  a  sister  or  a 
wife  to  send  it  to.  But  mebby  you  ain't  a  drummer 
after  all?  " 

"  Well,  yes,  I'm  a  sort  of  a  drummer,"  said  Eliph', 
tapping  his  parcel.  "  Book  agent,  you  know.  That 
the  minister?  " 

Mrs.  Weaver  drew  back  when  Eliph'  mentioned 
his  occupation.  She  did  not  consider  a  book  agent 
any  less  worthy  than  another  man,  but  she  had  been 
obliged  to  miss  the  last  payment  on  Sir  Walter  Scott, 
and  she  had  an  ill-defined  feeling  of  guilt.  To  miss  a 
payment  was  almost  as  hideous  in  her  eyes  as  to 
neglect  to  put  a  dime  in  the  contribution  plate  each 
Sunday  would  have  been.  Her  first  thought  was  that 
Eliph'  had  come  to  rudely  bear  away  the  ten  vol 
umes  of  Sir  Walter  before  the  eyes  of  all  the 
women  of  Kilo,  and  she  gladly  grasped  at  his  last 
words. 

"  Yes,"  she  said  quickly,  "  that's  him.  Let  me  in 
troduce  you.  He — he  likes  books." 


82  KILO 

"  I'm  not  selling  books  to-night,"  explained  Eliph' 
Hewlitt,  for  her  words  seemed  one  form  of  the  usual 
reception  of  a  book  agent,  and  to  indicate  a  desire 
to  be  rid  of  him  as  quickly  as  possible ;  "  but  I  don't 
mind  meeting  him." 

As  Mrs.  Weaver  led  the  way  to  the  center  of  the 
group,  Eliph'  Hewlitt  followed  her,  but  his  eyes 
quickly  made  a  circle  of  the  room,  and  rested  a 
moment  on  Sally  Briggs,  who  was  one  of  the 
cashiers. 

She  saw  him  and  caught  her  breath,  as  if  the  sight 
had  frightened  her,  but  when  he  nodded  she  could 
not  refuse  to  return  the  salutation.  She  nodded  as 
coldly  as  she  knew  how,  and  hurried  to  the  most  dis 
tant  corner  of  the  room.  Eliph'  was  well  enough 
pleased  with  this  reception,  for  he  would  hardly  have 
known  what  to  do  with  a  warmer  one ;  in  many  years 
he  had  received  only  the  book  agent's  usual  greeting, 
which  is  far  from  cordial.  She  had  nodded  to  him,  at 
any  rate,  and  he  felt  a  glow  of  satisfaction. 

When  Mrs.  Weaver  introduced  him  to  the  minis 
ter  she  added  that  he  was  a  book  agent.  She  may 
have  done  this  as  an  explanation,  for  Kilo,  and  even 
Kilo's  minister,  craved  details,  or  she  may  have  done 
it  to  give  fair  warning  to  all  concerned.  The  effect 
was  instantaneous,  and  the  smiles  of  welcome  faded. 


THE     CASTAWAY  83 

The  minister  shook  hands  gravely,  and  the  ladies 
who  had  run  forward  with  shoe  bags  and  tidies  turned 
and  walked  coldly  away. 

Eliph'  Hewlitt  smiled. 

"  Funny  how  that  name  makes  a  man  unpopular, 
ain't  it?  "  he  said,  addressing  the  minister.  "  But  I 
ain't  going  to  talk  books  in  Kilo.  The  landlord  down 
at  the  hotel  told  me  it  was  a  bad  time,  so  I'm  going 
to  pass  it  by.  Well,  I  guess  we  deserve  all  the  blame 
we  get.  Some  of  us  do  pester  the  life  out  of  people — 
don't  know  when  to  stop.  Now,  when  I  see  a  man 
don't  want  my  book,  or  when  I  see  a  town  ain't  ready 
for  it,  I  drop  books  and  go  off,  and  leave  them  alone. 
I  could  have  stayed  down  there  at  the  hotel  and 
bothered  the  landlord  into  taking  my  book.  He'd 
have  took  it,  because  everybody  that  sees  this  book, 
and  understands  it,  does  take  it ;  but  I  said,  *  Why 
bullyrag  the  life  out  of  the  poor  man  when  there's  a 
missionary  sale  going  on  in  town,  and  he  don't  want 
a  book,  and  I  do  want  to  see  the  sale?  I  am  interested 
in  missions." 

"  It's  a  great  field,"  said  the  minister,  with  a  sigh 
of  relief;  for,  as  the  literary  head  of  Kilo,  he  was 
always  the  first  and  most  strongly  contested  goal  of 
the  book  agents.  The  subscription  list  that  did  not 
bear  his  name  at  the  head  bore  few  others,  and  he  ap- 


84,  KILO 

predated  the  self  denial  of  Eliph'  Hewlitt  in  passing 
such  a  good  opportunity  to  talk  business. 

"  Are  you  deeply  interested  in  the  field  ?  "  he  in 
quired  graciously. 

"  Well,  you  see,"  said  Eliph'  Hewlitt,  "  I  was  cast 
away  on  one  of  those  desert  islands  myself  once,  and 
I  know  what  those  poor  heathen  must  suffer  for  lack 
of  churches  and  civilization,  and  good  books  to  read. 
I  can  feel  for  them." 

Someone  pushed  a  chair  gently  against  Eliph's 
legs,  in  gentle  invitation  for  him  to  be  seated,  and 
he  took  the  chair,  and  laid  his  package  across  his 
knees.  Those  who  had  drawn  away  from  him  now 
gathered  closer,  and  all  gazed  at  him  with  interest. 
Miss  Sally  alone  remained  at  the  other  end  of  the 
room. 

"  Well,  I  never  expected  to  live  to  see  a  man  that 
had  been  shipwrecked,"  said  Mrs.  Weaver,  "  let  alone 
shipwrecked  on  a  desert  island — an'  a  book  agent  at 
that!" 

Eliph'  smiled  indulgently. 

"  I  wasn't  a  book  agent  in  them  days,"  he  said ; 
"  it  was  that  made  me  a  book  agent.  If  I  hadn't  been 
shipwrecked  on  that  island  I  wouldn't  be  here  now 
with  this  book  on  my  knees." 

Mrs.  Weaver's  face  flushed. 


THE     CASTAWAY  85 

"  I'm  sure  I  ask  you  to  excuse  me,"  she  exclaimed. 
"  I  don't  know  what  I  was  thinkin'  of  not  to  ask 
to  take  your  package.  Let  me  put  it  aside  for  you. 
They  ain't  no  use  for  you  to  be  bothered  with  it." 

"Thank  you,  ma'm,"  said  Eliph',  "but  I'll  just 
keep  it.  No  offense,  but  I  never  let  it  go  out  of  my 
hands,  day  or  night.  It  saved  my  life,  not  once,  but 
many  times,  this  book  did,  and  I  keep  it  handy.  But 
for  this  book  that  shipwreck  would  have  been  my  last 
day." 

"  Land  sakes,  nov,  ' "  cried  Mrs.  Weaver,  "  won't 
you  tell  us  about  it?  " 

"  Well,  as  I  said,  but  for  this  book  I'd  be  bones 
at  the  bottom  of  the  sea.  Yes,  ladies  and  gents,  bones, 
of  which  there  is  one  hundred  and  ninety-eight  in  the 
full  grown  human  skeleton,  composed  of  four-fifths 
inorganic  and  one-fifth  organic  matter." 

"  How  dreadful ! "  exclaimed  Mrs.  Weaver,  who, 
being  a  doctor's  wife,  had  a  particular  dislike  for 
bones,  as  for  useless  things  that  cluttered  up  the 
house,  and  were  not  ornamental.  "  But  how  come 
you  to  get  wrecked  ?  " 

"  Five  year  ago,"  said  Eliph'  Hewlitt,  "  I  was  a 
confidence  man  in  New  York.  New  York  is  the  largest 
city  on  the  Western  Hemisphere;  population  esti 
mated  over  three  million ;  located  on  the  island  of 


86  KILO 

Manhattan,  at  the  mouth  of  the  Hudson  River.  And, 
if  I  do  say  it  myself,  I  was  a  good  confidence  man. 
I  was  a  success;  I  got  rich.  And  what  then?  The 
police  got  after  me,  and  I  had  to  run  away.  Yes, 
ladies  and  gents,  I  had  to  fly  from  my  native  land.  I 
took  passage  on  a  ship  for  Ceylon.  Ceylon,"  he 
added,  "  is  an  island  southeast  of  India ;  population 
three  millions ;  principal  town,  Colombo ;  English 
rule;  products,  tea,  coffee,  spices,  and  gems. 

"  We  had  a  good  trip  until  we  almost  got  there, 
and  then  a  big  storm  come  up,  and  blew  our  ship 
about  like  it  was  a  peanut  shell,  tossing  it  up  and 
down  on  the  mighty  waves,  and  round  and  back ;  and 
the  third  day  we  bumped  on  a  rock,  and  the  ship  be 
gan  to  sink.  In  the  hurry  I  was  left  behind  when  the 
crew  and  passengers  went  off  in  the  boats.  Think  of 
it,  ladies  and  gents,  not  even  a  life  preserver  to  save 
me,  and  the  ship  sinking  a  foot  a  minute." 

"  Goodness  me !  "  said  Mrs.  Weaver,  "  you  wasn't 
drowned,  was  you?  " 

"  No,"  said  Eliph'  Hewlitt,  "  or  I  wouldn't  be  here 
to  tell  it.  I  rushed  to  the  captain's  cabin.  I  thought 
maybe  I  would  find  a  life  preserver  there.  Alas,  no ! 
But  there,  ladies  and  gents,  I  found  something  bet 
ter.  When  I  didn't  find  a  life  preserver  I  was  stunned 
— yes,  clean  knocked  out.  I  dropped  into  a  chair, 


THE     CASTAWAY  87 

and  laid  my  head  on  the  captain's  table.  I  sat  there 
several  minutes,  the  ship  sinking  one  foot  per  minute, 
and  when  I  come  to  my  senses,  and  raised  my  head, 
my  hand  was  laying  on  this." 

Reverently  he  raised  the  volume  from  his  knees 
and  unwrapped  it,  and  the  Ladies'  Foreign  Mission 
Society  leaned  forward  with  one  accord  to  catch  a 
glimpse  of  the  title.  Eliph'  Hewlitt  opened  the  book 
and  flipped  over  the  pages  rapidly  with  the  moistened 
tip  of  his  third  finger. 

"  It  was  this  book,  ladies  and  gents,  and  it  was 
open  here,  page  742.  Without  thinking,  I  read  the 
first  thing  that  hit  my  eye.  *  How  to  Make  a  Life 
Preserver,'  it  said.  *  Take  the  corks  from  a  hundred 
champagne  bottles;  tie  them  tightly  in  a  common 
shirt;  then  fasten  the  arms  of  the  shirt  about  the 
body,  with  the  corks  resting  on  the  chest.  With  this 
easily  improvised  life  preserver  drowning  is  impossi 
ble.'  I  done  it.  The  captain  of  that  ship  was  a  high 
liver,  and  his  room  was  chuck  full  of  champagne  bot 
tles.  I  put  in  two  extry  corks  for  good  measure, 
and  when  the  ship  went  down,  I  floated  off  on  the 
top  of  the  ocean  as  easy  as  a  duck  takes  to  a 
pond." 

"  My  sakes ! "  exclaimed  Mrs.  Weaver,  "  that  cap 
tain  must  have  been  an  awful  hard  drinker !  " 


88  KILO 

"  He  was,"  said  Eliph'  Hewlitt— "  fearful.  I  was 
really  shocked.  But,  there  I  was  in  the  water,  and 
not  much  better  off  for  it,  neither,  for  I  couldn't 
swim  a  stroke,  and  as  soon  as  I  got  through  bobbing 
up  and  down  like  your  cork  when  you've  got  a  sunfish 
on  your  line,  I  stayed  right  still,  just  as  if  I'd  been 
some  bait-can  a  boy  had  thrown  into  an  eddy,  and  I 
figgered  like  as  not  I'd  stay  there  forever.  Then  I 
noticed  I  had  this  book  in  my  hand,  and  I  thought, 
*  While  I'm  staying  here  forever,  I'll  just  take  an 
other  peek  at  this  book,'  and  I  opened  her.  Page 
781,"  said  Eliph',  turning  quickly  to  that  page,  "  was 
where  she  opened.  6  Swimming ;  How  to  Float,  Swim, 
Dive,  and  Tread  Water — Plain  and  Fancy  Swim 
ming,  Shadow  Swimming,  High  Diving,'  et  cetery. 
There  she  was,  all  as  plain  as  pie,  and  when  I  read  it 
I  could  swim  as  easy  as  an  old  hand.  The  directions 
all  through  this  book  is  plain,  practical,  and  easily 
followed. 

"  I  at  once  swum  off  to  the  south,  for  there  was 
no  telling  how  long  I'd  have  to  swim,  and  as  the  water 
was  sort  of  cool,  I  thought  best  to  go  south,  because 
the  further  south  you  go  the  warmer  the  water  gets. 
When  I  had  swum  two  days,  and  was  plumb  tuckered 
out,  I  come  to  an  island.  The  waves  was  dashing  on 
it  fearful,  and  I  knew  if  I  tried  to  land  I'd  be  dashed 


THE     CASTAWAY  89 

to  flinders.  It  knocked  all  the  hope  out  of  me,  and  I 
made  up  my  mind  to  take  off  my  life  preserver  and 
dive  to  the  bottom  of  the  sea  to  knock  my  brains 
out  on  the  rocks.  But,  ladies  and  gents,  before  I 
dived  I  had  another  look  at  my  book,  hoping  to  find 
something  to  comfort  a  dying  man.  I  turned  to 
page  201." 

Eliph'  Hewlitt  found  the  page,  and  pointed  to  the 
heading  with  his  finger. 

"  '  Five  Hundred  Ennobling  Thoughts  from  the 
World's  Greatest  Authors,  including  the  Prose  and 
Poetical  Gems  of  All  Ages,'  "  he  read.  "  There  they 
were — sixty-two  solid  pages  of  them,  with  vingetty 
portraits  of  the  authors.  I  read  No.  285 : 

"As  Thou  hast  made  Thy  world  without, 
Make  Thou  more  fair  my  world  within,'  et  cetery.' 

*  Whittier,  J.  G.,  commonly  called  the  poet  of  liberty, 
born  1807,  died  1892' — with  a  complete  sketch  of 
his  life,  a  list  of  his  most  popular  pieces,  and  a  his 
tory  of  his  work  on  behalf  of  the  slave. 

"  I  was  much  comforted  by  this,"  said  Eliph'  Hew 
litt,  "  and  I  run  over  the  pages  this  way,  thinking  of 
what  I  had  read,  when  I  hit  on  page  927  :  '  Geography 
of  Land  and  Sea.'  I  skipped  ten  pages  telling  in  an 
interesting  manner  of  the  five  great  continents,  their 


90  KILO 

political  divisions,  mountains,  lakes,  and  plains,  their 
vegetable  inhabitants  and  animals,  their  ancient  and 
modern  history,  et  cetery,  and  I  come  to  *  Islands, 
Common,  Volcanic,  and  Coral';  and  on  page  940  I 
read  that  coral  islands  are  often  surrounded  by  a 
reef  on  which  the  waves  dash,  but  that  there  is  usu 
ally  a  quiet  lagoon  between  the  reef  and  the  island, 
with  somewhere  an  opening  from  the  sea  into  the  la 
goon. 

"  When  I  read  that,"  said  Eliph',  closing  the 
book,  "  I  shut  up  my  book  and  swum  round  until 
I  come  to  the  opening,  which  was  there,  just  like 
the  book  said  it  would  be,  and  I  swum  across  the 
lagoon,  and  fell  exhausted  on  the  beach.  I  was  played 
out,  and  I  had  swallered  too  much  water.  I  would 
have  died  right  there,  but  I  thought  of  my  book,  and 
I  turned  to  the  index,  where  every  subject  known  to 
the  vast  realm  of  knowledge  is  set  down  alphabet 
ically,  from  *  A  *  to  '  Z,'  twenty  thousand  references 
in  all,  dealing  with  every  subject  from  the  time  of 
Adam  to  the  present  day,  including,  in  the  new  and 
revised  edition  just  from  the  press,  a  history  of  the 
war  with  Spain,  with  full  page  portraits  of  Dewey, 
Sampson,  Cervera,  and  the  boy  king,  and  colored 
plates  of  the  battles  of  Manila  Bay  and  Santiago. 
I  run  my  eye  down  the  page  till  I  came  to  *  Drowned, 


THE  CASTAWAY  91 

How  to  Revive  the,'  page  96 ;  and  what  I  read  there 
saved  my  life." 

The  ladies  sighed  with  relief. 

"  What  shall  I  say  about  my  four  long  years  on 
that  island?  "  said  Eliph'.  "  I  was  the  only  man  on 
it.  Oh,  the  pangs  of  solitude!  Oh,  the  terrors  of 
being  alone!  But,  ladies  and  gents,  I  suffered  none 
of  them.  I  was  not  alone.  He  is  never  alone  who  has 
a  copy  of  Jarby's  '  Encyclopedia  of  Knowledge  and 
Compendium  of  Literature,  Science  and  Art,'  pub 
lished  by  Jarby  &  Goss,  New  York,  and  sold  for  the 
trifling  sum  of  five  dollars  a  volume,  one  dollar  down 
and  one  dollar  a  month  until  paid,  the  book  delivered 
when  the  first  payment  is  made.  And  that,  my  friends, 
was  the  book  I  had,  and  the  book  you  see  before  you." 

The  minister  put  out  his  hand. 

"  May  I  look  at  the  volume  ?  "  he  asked,  and  Eliph' 
passed  it  to  him  with  a  nod. 

"  From  the  first  the  book  was  my  friend,  phi 
losopher,  and  guide.  I  had  no  matches.  Page  416, 
*  Fire,  Its  Traditions — How  to  Make  a  Fire  Without 
Matches — Fire-fighting,  Fire-extinguishers,'  et  cet- 
ery,  taught  me  to  make  a  fire  by  rubbing  two  sticks,  as 
the  savages  do.  I  had  no  weapons  to  kill  the  fowls 
of  the  air.  Page  425,  '  Weapons,  Ancient  and  Mod 
ern — Their  History — How  to  Make  and  Use  Them,' 


92  KILO 

et  cetery,  told  me  how  to  twist  the  cocoanut  bark  into 
a  cord,  and  to  shape  the  limb  of  the  gum-gum  tree 
into  a  bow  and  arrow.  Page  396,  '  Birds,  Tropical, 
Temperate,  and  Arctic — Song  Birds,  Edible  Birds, 
and  Birds  of  Plumage,'  et  cetery,  with  their  Latin 
and  common  names,  and  over  one  thousand  illustra 
tions,  told  me  which  to  kill,  and  which  to  eat.  Page 
100,  '  The  Complete  Kitchen  Guide,'  being  eight  hun 
dred  tested  recipes — roasts,  fries,  pastry,  cakes, 
bread,  puddings,  entrees,  soups,  how  to  make  candy, 
how  to  clean  brass,  copper,  silver,  tin,  et  cetery — 
told  me  how  to  prepare  and  cook  them. 

"  Yes,  my  friends,  I  went  to  that  island  an  ig 
norant,  unbelieving  man,  and  I  came  away  educated 
and  reformed.  For  my  idle  hours  there  was  the 
'  Complete  Mathematician,'  showing  how  to  figger 
the  most  difficult  problems  easily,  how  to  measure 
corn  in  the  crib,  water  in  the  well,  figger  interest, 
et  cetery,  by  which  I  became  posted  on  all  kinds  of 
arithmetic.  There  was  the  '  Complete  Letter  Writer, 
or  a  Guide  to  Polite  and  Correct  Correspondence,' 
the  '  Dictionary  of  Legal  Terms,  or  Every  Man  His 
Own  Lawyer,'  the  '  Modern  Penman,'  the  '  Eureka 
Shorthand  System  ' — in  fact,  all  the  knowledge  in 
the  world,  condensed  into  one  thousand  and  four 
pages,  for  the  small  sum  of  five  dollars.  Who  can 


THE  CASTAWAY  93 

afford  to  be  without  this  book,  which  will  pay  for 
itself  twice  over  every  week  of  the  year? 

"  I  was  picked  up,  ladies  and  gents,"  continued 
Eliph'  Hewlitt,  "  by  a  passing  ship,  and  I  decided 
to  devote  my  life  to  a  great  work — to  circulating 
this  wonderful  book  in  my  native  land.  I  wept  when 
I  thought  of  the  millions  that  had  not  seen  it — mil 
lions  that  were  living  poor,  starved  lives  because 
they  didn't  have  a  copy  of  Jarby's  Encyclopedia 
of  Knowledge  and  Compendium  of  Literature,  Sci 
ence  and  Art,  and  I  gave  myself  to  the  cause." 

The  minister  handed  the  book  to  Eliph'  Hewlitt, 
and  cleared  his  throat. 

"  It  seems  to  be  all  you  claim  for  it,"  he  said ; 
"  but  I  fear  the  landlord  of  the  Kilo  House  was 
right.  We  are  not,  many  of  us,  ready  for  more  books 
at  present.  If  you  return  in  a  year  or  eight 
months " 

Eliph'  Hewlitt  smiled,  and  put  his  hand  gently 
on  the  glossy  black  knee  of  the  minister's  best 
trousers. 

"True,"  he  said,  "true!  Kilo  has  books.  Kilo 
knows  the  civilizing  and  Christianizing  influence  of 
books.  But,"  he  exclaimed,  "  think  of  the  poor 
heathen!  Think  of  the  poor  missionaries  fighting 
to  bring  civilization  to  those  dark-hued  brothers! 


94  KILO 

Shall  it  be  said  that  every  home  in  Kilo  has  a  set 
of  Sir  Walter  Scott,  ten  volumes  with  gilt  edges, 
while  the  minds  of  the  heathen  dry  up  and  rot  for 
want  of  the  vast  treasures  contained  in  Jarby's 
Encyclopedia  of  Knowledge  and  Compendium  of 
Literature,  Science  and  Art?  Here  in  this  one  book 
is  the  wisdom  of  the  whole  world,  and  will  you  selfishly 
withhold  it  from  those  who  need  it  so  badly?  If  I 
know  Kilo,  I  think  not.  If  what  is  said  ;in  Jefferson 
regarding  the  unselfishness  and  liberality  of  Kilo 
is  true,  I  think  not.  I  know  what  you  will  say.  You 
will  say,  '  Here,  take  this  money  we  have  collected 
this  evening  and  give  to  the  thirsting  heathen  as 
many  volumes  of  Jarby's  Encyclopedia  of  Knowl 
edge  and  Compendium  of  Literature,  Science  and 
Art,  as  it  will  buy  at  five  dollars  a  volume.' ' 

He  glanced  around  the  circle  of  faces. 

"  That  is  what  you  will  say,"  he  said ;  "  but  Eliph* 
Hewlitt  will  beg  a  chance  to  do  his  little  for  the 
noble  work.  He  will,  seeing  the  good  cause,  make 
the  price  four  seventy-five  per  volume,  and  throw  in 
one  volume  free  for  the  Kilo  Sunday  School  library, 
where  one  and  all  can  have  reference  to  its  helpful 
and  civilizing  pages." 

In  Eliph'  Hewlitt's  eyes  glowed  the  fire  of  con 
quest  that  always  shone  in  them  when  he  was  "  talk- 


THE  CASTAWAY  95 

ing  book,"  a  glitter  such  as  shines  in  the  eyes  of 
the  enthusiast,  and  they  fell  upon  Miss  Sally  Briggs, 
who  had  been  drawn  by  his  eloquence  to  the  edge  of 
the  ring  of  ladies.  As  he  paused,  she  recognized  the 
moment  as  that  when  the  victim  is  supposed  to  utter 
the  words,  "  Well,  I  guess  I'll  take  a  copy,"  but 
she  missed  the  direct  appeal,  and  its  absence  confused 
her,  and  she  was  still  wondering  whether  it  was  now 
time  to  say  she  would  take  a  copy,  or  whether  she 
had  better  wait  for  the  formal  appeal,  when  Mrs. 
Doc  Weaver  spoke  for  the  Ladies'  Mission  Circle. 

When  Eliph'  Hewlitt  left  the  house,  half  an  hour 
later  with  his  order  signed,  Miss  Sally  had  disap 
peared,  and,  although  he  peeked  eagerly  into  both 
the  side  rooms  as  he  passed  through  the  hall,  he  could 
see  nothing  of  her.  He  was  disappointed. 

When  he  returned  to  the  hotel  the  landlord  was 
asleep  in  the  chair  before  the  door.  He  arose  with 
a  yawn,  rubbed  his  eyes,  and  led  the  way  into  the 
office  where  a  dingy  kerosene  lamp  was  burning 
dimly.  He  stretched  his  arms  as  he  looked  at  the 
clock  that  stood  above  the  dusty  pigeon  holes  back 
of  the  desk. 

"  'Leven  o'clock !  "  he  yawned.  "  I  must  have  been 
asleep  two  hours.  Guess  you'll  want  to  get  right  up 
to  bed,  won't  you?  I  reckon  you  found  out  Kilo 


96  KILO 

don't  want  no  books  this  trip,  Sammy;  an'  if  you 
want  to  git  an  early  start  from  town  you'll  need  all 
the  sleep  you  can  get." 

Eliph'  tossed  his  package  on  the  desk  carelessly. 

"  Why,  yes,  Jim,  I  wish  you  would  call  me  early," 
he  said.  "  I'll  be  ready  for  bed  in  half  an  hour  or 
so.  I  done  a  little  business  up  yonder,  and  I  want  to 
mail  in  my  report  to  New  York.  But  you  needn't 
hitch  up  my  horse  in  the  morning." 

"  No  ?  "  asked  the  landlord  sleepily. 

"  No,"  said  Eliph',  "  and  if  '  ny  feller  comes  this 
way  selling  books  in  the  next  month  or  so,  just  tell 
him  there  ain't  no  use  for  a  raw  hand  to  waste  time 
in  this  town.  Tell  him  Eliph'  Hewlitt  has  settled 
down  to  live  here." 


CHAPTER  VII 
THE  COLONEL 

WHEN  Eliph'  Hewlitt  stepped  out  of  the  hotel  the 
next  morning,  after  he  had  eaten  his  breakfast,  and 
stood,  with  a  wooden  toothpick  between  his  lips, 
looking  up  and  down  the  street,  he  felt  a  sense  of 
exultation.  If  he  had  been  a  victorious  general,  and 
Kilo  a  captured  city  of  great  importance,  he  would 
have  had  a  similar  feeling.  Already  he  felt  that,  if 
he  was  not  the  captor  of  the  town,  he  was  one  of  its 
important  citizens,  and  practically  the  husband  of 
an  attractive  woman  whose  father  owned  sufficient 
property  to  be  one  of  those  who  grumble  about 
taxes. 

To  a  man  who  had  been  a  wanderer  all  his  life  it 
was  pleasant  to  feel  that  he  was  soon  to  be  kin  to  all 
the  things  he  saw  on  Main  Street,  brother  to  the 
town-pump  and  cousin  to  the  flag  pole,  and  to  con 
sider  that  even  the  well-gnawed  hitching  rails  were 
to  be  part  of  his  future  years.  He  nodded  across 
the  street  to  Billings,  the  grocer  and  general  store 
man,  as  if  he  was  an  old  acquaintance,  and  he  watched 

97 


98  KILO 

Skinner,  the  butcher,  sweeping  the  walk,  with  a  pleas 
ant  smile,  for  he  saw  in  him  a  future  friend.  He 
loved  Kilo,  and  he  was  ready  to  like  everything,  from 
the  post  office  to  the  creamery.  His  whole  future 
seemed  destined  to  be  simple  and  pleasant,  for  he 
was  resolved  to  do  his  best  to  make  the  town  like 
him,  and  there  seemed  little  opportunity  for  com 
plications  in  a  town  that  could  all  be  seen  at  one 
glance. 

Strangers  think  all  small  towns  simple.  The  few 
stores  are  all  plainly  labeled,  the  streets  run  at  right 
angles,  and  the  houses  are  set  well  apart,  like  big 
letters  in  a  primer.  A  small  town  looks  like  a  story 
without  a  plot,  like:  "  See  the  cat.  Does  the  cat  see 
me?  The  cat  sees  the  dog;"  beside  which  a  city 
is  as  unfathomable  as  a  Henry  James  paragraph. 
To  the  stranger  each  man  and  woman  he  meets  is 
a  complete  individual,  each  standing  alone,  like  let 
ters  on  an  alphabet  block,  and  not  easily  to  be  con 
fused,  one  with  the  other.  But  these  letters  of  the 
small  town's  alphabet  are  often  tangled  into  as  long 
and  complex  words  as  those  of  the  greatest  city; 
it  takes  but  twenty-six  letters  to  spell  all  the  pas 
sions.  The  letter  A,  that  looked  so  distinctly  sepa 
rate,  is  soon  found  to  be  connected  with  C  and  T  in 
Cat,  and  with  W  and  R  in  War,  as  well  as  cross- 


THE     COLONEL  99 

connected  with  C  and  W  in  Caw,  and  with  T  and  R 
in  Tar;  while  the  houses  that  stood  so  seemingly 
alone  are  all  connected  and  criss-crossed  by  lines 
of  love  and  hate,  of  petty  policy  and  revenge  and 
pride,  quite  as  are  nations  or  people  who  live  in 
labyrinths,  or  in  a  metropolis. 

It  was  still  too  early  in  the  morning  for  Eliph' 
Hewlitt  to  call  on  Miss  Sally,  and  there  was  no  haste ; 
the  day  was  long.  He  even  doubted  whether  it  would 
be  good  policy  to  call  on  her  in  the  morning;  he 
might  find  her  busy  with  household  cares.  Probably 
it  would  be  best  to  wait  for  the  afternoon,  when 
she  would  be  at  leisure.  This,  he  decided  would  be 
best.  He  would  arrive  in  her  presence  at  two  o'clock, 
and  four  hours  of  conversation  would  carry  them 
to  the  point  of  being  well  acquainted,  as  advised  by 
Jarby's  Encyclopedia.  The  next  day  he  could  enter 
the  second  stage  of  the  directions,  and  call  with  a 
book,  present  it ;  call  after  dinner  with  a  box  of 
candy,  present  it;  call  after  supper,  and  propose  a 
walk,  visit  the  ice  cream  parlor,  and  on  the  way 
home  offer  his  hand,  and  be  accepted.  The  chapter 
on  "  Courtship — How  to  Win  the  Affections "  ad 
vised  against  haste,  and  Eliph'  did  not  wish  to  be 
hasty.  To  a  man  of  his  spirit  two  days  seemed  rather 
long  to  devote  to  so  simple  a  matter — a  real  waste 


100  KILO 

of  time — but  he  was  willing  to  take  longer  than  nec 
essary,  in  order  to  follow  the  directions  in  spirit,  as 
well  as  in  letter. 

Eliph'  settled  himself  into  one  of  the  chairs  be 
fore  the  hotel  and  opened  his  copy  of  Jarby's  En 
cyclopedia  at  the  chapter  on  "  Courtship — How  to 
Win  the  Affections."  He  was  deep  in  it  when  the 
landlord  strolled  around  from  the  livery  stable  and 
sank  into  a  chair  by  his  side. 

"  So  you  made  up  your  mind  to  stay  here, 
Sammy  ?  "  he  asked.  "  I  guess  the  town'll  be  glad 
enough  to  have  you.  All  this  town  needs  to  be  a 
big  place  is  inhabitants.  What  you  ought  to  do  now 
is  to  settle  down  for  good,  an'  get  married.  There's 
some  purty  fine  women  in  this  town  that  ain't  picked 
up  yet,  but  they  won't  last  long,  the  way  they're 
goin'.  Somebody  gets  married  every  couple  of 
months." 

Eliph'  looked  up  with  a  smile.  Jim  Wilkins  did 
not  know  he  had  advised  the  very  thing  he  meant 
to  do. 

"  I've  thought  some  about  it,"  said  Eliph',  "  'most 
everybody's  getting  married  now-a-days." 

"  It's  the  popular  thing  'round  here,"  said  Jim. 
66  Look  across  the  street,  yonder.  See  that  feller  just 
goin'  up  to  the  lawyer's  office?  He's  one  that's  in 


THE     COLONEL;  :!01 

the  marry  class,  just  now. 'ThaVi.  ,(!cjlottfll:  G'ahhi'i^ 
He  lives  out  on  the  first  farm  beyond  Main  Street, 
and  he's  goin'  to  marry  Sally  Briggs,  daughter  of 
old  Pap  Briggs,  that  we  was  talkin'  to  last  night, 
here." 

Eliph'  Hewlitt  stared  at  the  Colonel,  but  he  said 
nothing.  He  blamed  himself;  he  had  wasted  his  op 
portunity.  This  was  what  came  of  being  slow !  He 
should  have  completed  his  courtship  at  the  picnic, 
or  last  night  at  the  sale.  Jim  Wilkins  interrupted 
the  thought. 

"  Leastways,"  he  said,  "  he'll  get  her  if  Skinner 
don't.  It's  a  close  run  between  him  an'  Skinner. 
Skinner  ain't  so  good  lookin'  as  the  Colonel,  but 
he's  better  fixed.  It's  Skinner  owns  our  butcher-shop, 
an*  it's  Skinner  is  buildin'  our  Opery  House  Block. 
Some  says  Skinner'll  get  Pap  Briggs'  money,  an' 
some  says  the  Colonel  will." 

"  Are  there  any  others  ?  "  asked  Eliph',  looking 
down  the  street  to  where  the  raw  brick  of  the  opera 
house  glowed  in  the  sun. 

"After  Sally?"  asked  Jim  Wilkins.  "Well, 
there's  sev'ral  would  like  to  get  her,  I  dare  say. 
Sally  Briggs  is  a  pretty  fine  sort  of  woman,  an' 
Pap  Briggs  has  quite  considerable  money,  but  the 


102  KILO 

Golcnel  anj  ^kmuer  .ha&  the  inside  track.  No  one 
else  has  a  chance." 

Eliph'  stroked  his  whiskers  softly  and  coughed 
gently  behind  his  hand. 

"  Briggs,  did  you  say  the  name  was  ?  "  he  asked. 
K  Seems  to  me  I  met  a  lady  at  a  picnic  up  Clarence 
way  that  had  that  name.  You  said  the  name  was 
Sally  Briggs?" 

"  That's  her,"  said  Wilkins.  "  Sally  Ann  Briggs. 
She's  been  visitin'  up  there  in  Clarence." 

Eliph'  nodded  his  head  slowly. 

"  I  seem  to  recollect  her,  since  you  mention  it," 
he  said  indifferently,  and  then  he  added,  "  She  spoke 
as  if  she  might  buy  a  copy  of  Jarby's  Encyclo 
pedia  of  Knowledge  and  Compendium  of  Literature, 
Science  and  Art  when  I  saw  her  at  that  picnic.  I 
guess  I'll  drop  'round  and  see  if  she's  ready  to  buy. 
If  she's  goin'  to  be  married  she  ought  to  have  a 
copy." 


CHAPTER  VIII 
THE    MEDIUM-SIZED    BOX 

As  Eliph'  walked  briskly  toward  Miss  Sally's  house 
the  Colonel  was  having  an  interesting  conversation 
with  Attorney  Toole,  in  the  attorney's  office  over 
the  Kilo  Savings  Bank. 

Attorney  Toole  had  been  a  lawyer  at  Franklin, 
and  he  had  come  down  to  Kilo  because  he  preferred 
being  a  big  toad  in  a  small  puddle,  rather  than  a 
little  toad  in  a  middle-sized  one.  This  was  one  of  his 
reasons,  but  another  was  that  he  had  complete  and 
full  faith  in  Richard  Toole,  and  intended  to  be  a 
political  power  in  the  land.  He  could  not  be  much 
of  anything  in  Franklin,  for  that  town  was  hard 
and  fast  Democratic,  and  Toole  was  a  Republican. 
The  first  step  to  political  preferment  is  to  be  elected 
to  something  or  other,  it  does  not  make  much  differ 
ence  what,  and  to  rise  from  that  to  greater  things, 
but  a  Republican  had  no  chance  in  Franklin ;  couldn't 
even  get  an  appointment  as  dog  police  or  wharf- 
master;  couldn't  get  elected  to  any  office  at  all. 

So  Toole  packed  up  his  law  books  and  moved  to 

103 


104  KILO 

Kilo,  where  he  was  in  a  Republican  town,  a  Republi 
can  county,  and  a  Republican  congressional  district, 
in  a  Republican  State  that  formed  part  of  a  Repub 
lican  nation.  He  selected  Kilo,  after  considering 
other  good  little  Republican  towns,  because  the  Re 
publicans  of  Kilo  needed  aid  and  assistance;  they 
were  out  of  office;  kicked  out. 

Every  so  often  the  small  town  of  the  West  turns 
the  regular  party  out  of  office  and  puts  in  a  Citi 
zens'  ticket,  just  to  show  that  the  people  still  rule, 
and  to  let  the  greedy  officeholders,  some  of  whom 
get  as  much  as  one  hundred  dollars  a  year  in  salary, 
know  that  their  offices  are  not  life  positions.  When 
Attorney  Toole  descended  on  Kilo,  the  Citizens' 
Party  was  "  in,"  and  the  Republicans  were  "  out," 
and  the  attorney  saw  an  opportunity  of  making 
himself  valuable  to  his  party  by  working  to  put  the 
party  "  in  "  again. 

Never  before  had  the  Colonel  climbed  his  stairs, 
and  Toole  smiled  like  an  Irish  sphinx  when  the 
Colonel  entered  his  office.  He  smiled  most  of  the 
time,  not  because  he  thought  a  smile  becoming  to  his 
freckled  face,  but  because  he  found  things  so  eternally 
amusing.  In  law  a  man  is  considered  innocent  until 
he  has  been  proved  guilty;  in  Kilo  Attorney  Toole 
considered  everything  amusing  until  it  had  been 


THE  MEDIUM-SIZED  BOX  105 
proved  serious,  and  he  considered  the  Colonel  and 
Skinner,  and  the  whole  Citizens'  Party  they  had 
been  instrumental  in  organizing,  as  parts  of  the 
same  joke.  They  would  stand  until  he  was  ready  to 
lazily  push  out  his  hand  and  topple  them  over.  It 
was  almost  time  to  topple  them,  now,  and  he  was 
glad  to  see  the  Colonel;  he  motioned  him  to  a  seat, 
and  smiled. 

The  Colonel  took  his  hat  from  his  mat  of  coarse 
iron-gray  hair,  and  laid  it  carefully  on  the  floor. 
Out  of  his  small  sharp  eyes  ignorance  and  cunning 
peered,  and  the  mass  of  beard  that  hid  the  greater 
part  of  his  face  could  not  hide  the  hard  line  of  his 
mouth. 

"  I  jest  dropped  up,"  he  explained,  after  he  had 
acknowledged  the  attorney's  cheerful  greeting  with 
a  gruff  "  mornin',"  "  I  jest  dropped  up,  sort  of 
friendly-like,  thinkin'  you  might  have  nothin'  to 
do,  an'  might  like  to  sit  an'  chin  a  while.  You  don't 
charge  nothin'  for  sittin'  an'  chinnin',  do  ye?  " 

Toole  said  he  did  not. 

"  I  didn't  figger  you  did,"  said  the  Colonel.  "  If 
I'd  thought  you  did  I  wouldn't  have  dropped  up, 
for  I  ain't  got  no  money  to  spend  on  lawyers.  I'd 
sooner  throw  money  away  than  spend  it  at  law.  But 
I  figgered  you  was  young  at  the  law  yet,  and  didn't 


106  KILO 

have  much  to  do  at  it,  and  I  sort  of  run  across  a 
case  I  thought  might  amuse  you,  like,  when  you  ain't 
got  nothin'  else  to  do.  Folks  don't  seem  to  have 
much  faith  in  young  lawyers,  and  you  can't  blame 
'em;  old  ones  don't  know  much.  All  any  of  'em 
care  for  is  to  get  people  into  trouble  so  they  can 
charge  'em  fees  to  get  'em  out  of  it.  So  I  thought 
mebby  you'd  like  to  hear  of  this  case  so  you  could 
kind  of  mull  it  over  in  your  mind  whilst  you're  loafin' 
up  here." 

"  That  was  kind  of  you,"  said  Toole. 

"  I  always  like  to  do  a  good  turn  when  I  can," 
said  the  Colonel,  "  when  it  don't  cost  nothin'.  An' 
this  case  I  was  tellin'  you  about  is  a  mighty  good 
one  for  a  young  lawyer  to  study  over.  Soon  as  I 
heard  of  it  I  says  to  myself  '  I'll  tell  this  case  to 
Attorney  Toole,  an'  he'll  be  grateful  to  hear  of  it.'  " 

The  country  client  usually  begins  in  some  such 
way  as  this,  anxious  to  get  all  the  advice  he  can 
without  having  to  pay  for  it,  and  Toole  merely 
smiled. 

"  Mebby  you  know,"  said  the  Colonel,  "  that  there 
was  a  feller  took  board  of  Sally  Briggs  a  while  back ; 
feller  by  the  name  of  William  Rossiter,  that  come 
through  here  peddlin'  lightnin'  rods  and  pain  killer 
and  land  knows  what  all.  Well,  he  was  a  rascal.  He 


THE     MEDIUM-SIZED     BOX      107 

took  board  off  of  Sally  Briggs  four  weeks,  and  then 
he  cleared  out,  and  she  nor  no  one  else  has  seen  hide 
nor  hair  of  him  since,  and  he  never  paid  her  one 
cent.  All  he  ever  let  on  was  to  leave  this  letter  stickin' 
on  the  pin  cushion  in  his  bedroom." 

The  Colonel  dug  the  letter  out  of  his  vest  pocket, 
and  Toole  read  it.  It  was  short: 

Dear  Miss  Briggs:  I'm  off.  Good-by.  Business  in  Kilo  is  no 
good.  Sorry  I  can't  square  up,  but  I  leave  you  the  box  in  my 
room  in  part  payment.  W.R. 

"  Prosecution's  exhibit  No.  1,"  said  the  attorney. 

"Jest  what  I  was  tellin'  Miss  Sally,"  said  the 
Colonel.  "  I  says  to  her  to  keep  that  paper,  and  it 
might  come  handy.  Mebby  you  heard  that  me  and 
Miss  Sally  was  what  you  might  call  keepin'  com 
pany  ?  " 

"  That's  interesting,"  said  Toole.  "  Been  keeping 
it  long?" 

"  Quite  some  consid'able  time,"  said  the  Colonel. 
"  Long  enough,  land  knows,  and  we'd  a-been  done 
with  it  by  this  time  and  married,  if  that  Skinner 
hadn't  come  crowdin'  in  where  he  wasn't  wanted. 
What  right  has  a  man  like  him  to  come  pushin'  in 
like  that?  His  wife  ain't  been  dead  twelve  months 
yet.  It  ain't  decent  of  him,  is  it?  " 


108  KILO 

"Do  you  want  a  legal  opinion?"  asked  Toole, 
reaching  for  a  large  law  book  that  lay  on  the  table. 

"No,  I  don't!"  cried  the  Colonel  in  alarm;  "I 
don't  want  to  run  up  no  charges.  I  don't  care  whether 
it's  legal  or  not,  it  ain't  friendly,  after  him  and 
me  has  worked  together  buildin'  up  this  Citizens' 
Party,  and  all.  What  does  he  mean,  sendin'  Miss 
Sally  porterhouses,  when  she  only  orders  flank  steak, 
like  he  was  wrappin'  up  love  and  affection  into  every 
steak?  He's  got  mighty  proud  since  he  set  out  to 
build  that  there  Kilo  Opery  House  of  his.  He's  a 
fool  to  spend  money  on  an  opery  house  in  this  town. 
He's  a  beefy,  puffy  old  money  bag,  he  is.  He  needn't 
tell  me  he  expects  to  get  even  on  what  he  spent  on 
that  Opery  House  Block  out  of  what  he'll  make  on 
it;  he  just  built  it  to  make  a  show,  so  some  dumb 
idiot  like  Sally  Briggs  would  think  he  amounted  to 
more  than  others,  and  marry  him." 

The  Colonel  brought  down  his  hand  with  a  bang 
on  the  attorney's  table. 

"  What  kind  of  an  idiot  did  you  call  Miss 
Briggs?"  asked  Toole  pleasantly. 

"  I  didn't  call  her  no  kind ! "  declared  the  Colonel. 
"  All  I  say  is,  I've  been  married  once  already,  and  I 
know  how  women  are.  And  I  know  Skinner.  He's 
lookin'  for  to  pay  for  that  opery  house  with  Pap 


THE  MEDIUM-SIZED  BOX  109 
Brlggs'  money  that  he'll  git  if  he  marries  Sally.  But 

he  won't  git  it !  I'm  a-goin'  to "  He  was  going 

to  say  he  was  going  to  get  it,  but  he  caught  himself 
in  time,  and  substituted  "  I'm  a-goin'  to  see  to 
that." 

"  I  see,"  said  Toole,  "  and  you  want  to  retain  me 
as  your  attorney  in  case  you  have  to  sue  for  breach 
of  promise?  " 

The  Colonel  scowled. 

"  I  don't  want  to  retain,  and  I  don't  want  to  sue, 
and  I  don't  want  no  fees  to  pay.  You  get  that  clear 
in  your  mind.  If  I  did,  I'd  go  to  a  lawyer  that  had 
some  experience.  I  jest  dropped  up " 

"  Well,  any  time  you  wish,  you  can  just  drop  down 
again,  Colonel,"  said  Toole,  but  not  ill-naturedly. 

"  Now,  don't  git  that  way,"  said  the  Colonel. 
"  I  jest  dropped  up  to  do  you  a  favor,  and  you 
git  mad  about  it !  I  don't  call  that  friendly.  If  you 
was  to  do  me  a  favor  I  wouldn't  git  mad." 

"  Go  ahead  with  the  favor,  then,"  said  Toole, 
leaning  back  in  his  chair  and  putting  his  feet  on  his 
table. 

"  Miss  Sally,"  said  the  Colonel,  "  she  told  me  all 
about  this  feller  Rossiter,  an'  what  he  said,  an'  what 
she  said,  an'  how  he  come  to  go  to  her  house  for 
board,  an'  how  he  skipped  off,  an'  she  showed  me 


110  KILO 

the  note  he  left  on  the  pin  cushion,  an'  then  she  come 
down  to  business.  c  Colonel,'  she  says,  '  have  I  a  right 
to  take  an'  keep  that  box?  Have  I  a  right  to  open 
it?  Is  it  mine  by  law?  If  I  open  it  can  he  come  back 
an'  sue  me,  or  anything?  ' 

" «  Can  he? '  says  I.  6  That's  the  question.  Can 
he?' 

" 6  It's  a  large  box,'  says  Miss  Sally. 

"'A  large  box,  hey?'  says  I.  6  Of  course  if  it 
was  a  small  box,  Miss  Sally — but  it  is  a  large  box ! 
How  large?  ' 

"  6  Quite  large,'  she  says.  '  About  medium  large. 
Not  too  large.  Beside  anything  very  large  it  would 
be  small,  but  beside  anything  very  small  it  would 
be  large.' 

"  I  nodded  my  head  to  her,  to  let  her  see  I  knew 
what  she  was  tryin'  to  say.  6  Medium  large,'  I  says, 
4  yes,  I  know  just  about  how  big  you  mean,  but 
what  I'd  like  to  know  is,  is  it  heavy  ?  ' 

"  '  Medium,'  she  says,  4  just  medium  heavy.' 

"  Well,  there  she  was !  A  medium  heavy,  medium- 
sized  box.  If  it  had  been  a  little  bit  of  a  light-weight 
box  I'd  'a'  told  her  to  open  it  and  keep  it,  for  there 
couldn't  have  been  much  in  it;  and  if  it  had  been 
a  big  heavy  box  I'd  have  told  her  she'd  better  leave 
it  alone;  for  there  wouldn't  be  any  tellin'  whether 


THE     MEDIUM-SIZED     BOX      111 

she  had  any  right  to  open  a  box  like  that  one  might 
have  turned  out  to  be.  I  didn't  know  how  the  law 
stood  on  that  kind  of  a  box.  But  it  was  medium-sized, 
and  I  didn't  know  what  to  say. 

"  c  Miss  Sally,'  I  says,  *  I'd  like  to  help  you  out  on 
this.  Any  time  I  can  give  you  any  advice  on  any 
thing,  I'm  glad  to,  but  I  don't  know  what  to  say 
about  a  box  that  is  medium  size  and  medium  heavy. 
You'd  ought  to  get  the  law  on  that  subject  before 
you  touch  that  box.  Don't  you  touch  that  box. 
Don't  you  open  it  unless  there's  a  law  officer  standin' 
by  to  see  you  do  it.' 

"  She  seen  that  was  good  advice,"  continued  the 
Colonel,  "  and  I  sat  there  right  in  her  parlor  and 
thought  it  over.  6  Miss  Sally,'  I  says,  after  I  had 
thought  all  I  could  about  it,  *  I  believe  Attorney 
Toole  would  tell  you  what  to  do  about  that  box. 
There  ain't  nothin'  a  lawyer  needs  more  than  to  be 
popular,  and  there  ain't  no  way  to  git  popular 
quicker  than  by  doin'  little  favors,  an'  he  ought 
to  be  glad  to  do  a  favor  for  you,  for  you're  almost 
an  orphan.  Your  ma's  dead,  an'  Pap  Briggs  ain't 
overly  strong,  an'  you're  liable  to  be  an  orphan 
almost  any  minute.  I  can  tell  by  the  looks  of  At 
torney  Toole,'  I  says,  *  that  he's  got  a  good  heart, 
and  if  you  say  the  word  I'll  ask  him  what  he  says 


112  KILO 

to  do  about  that  box.'  She  seemed  sort  of  put  out 
at  what  I'd  said  about  orphans,  but  I  seen  she  was 
willing  to  have  me  ask  you  about  that  box,  and  I 
seen  it  would  be  doin'  you  a  favor,  too,  to  tell  you 
about  it,  so  you  could  sort  of  exercise  your  mind 
on  it,  so  I  jest  dropped  up " 

"  Colonel,"  said  Toole,  "  this  is  a  very  serious 
case."  He  put  his  hand  over  his  mouth  to  hide  the 
smile  he  could  not  prevent  from  coming  to  his  lips. 

"  You  don't  mean  to  tell  me ! "  exclaimed  the 
Colonel.  "  I  was  afraid  there  might  be  somethin' 
wrong  about  it  somewheres.  But  I  ain't  goin'  to  go 
to  no  expense  about  it.  It  ain't  my  box " 

"  I  would  not  take  a  case  like  this  for  money," 
said  the  attorney,  turning  suddenly  and  facing  the 
Colonel  with  a  seriousness  that  frightened  that  cau 
tious  soul.  "  I  would  not  take  a  case  involving  a 
medium-sized,  medium-heavy  box;  a  box  left  for 
board  by  a  man  from  parts  unknown,  now  departed 
to  parts  unknown;  a  box  that  may  contain  stolen 
property;  I  would  not  take  such  a  case  for  money, 
Colonel.  But  I'll  undertake  it  for  friendship.  For 
friendship  only.  You  are  my  friend,  aren't  you, 
Colonel?" 

"  Surely !   Surely !  "  exclaimed  the  Colonel  eagerly. 

"  A  medium-sized  box,"   said  Toole,  turning  his 


THE     MEDIUM-SIZED     BOX 

head  to  hide  his  smile,  "  should  be  opened  only  in  the 
presence  of  an  attorney-at-law.  That  is  legal  advice 
and  worth  five  dollars,  but  I  charge  you  nothing  for 
it,  you  being  my  friend.  Consider  it  a  gift  from  me 
to  you." 

"  I'm  much  obliged,"  said  the  Colonel  gruffly. 

"  And  now,"  said  the  attorney  briskly,  "  for  the 
modus  operandi,  as  we  lawyers  say.  Has  the  client, 
the  lady  in  the  case,  a  hatchet  ?  " 

The  Colonel  thought. 

"  I  ain't  right  sure,"  he  said  at  length,  after  he 
had  searched  his  brain ;  "  seems  like  she  ought  to 
have,  but  I've  got  one,  an'  I'll  loan  it  to  her." 

"  Good !  "  exclaimed  Toole  briskly.  "  That  is  bet 
ter  yet.  A  medium-sized  box  left  by  a  transient  in 
payment  of  default  of  a  board  bill  should  always 
be  opened,  if  possible,  with  a  hatchet  not  the  prop 
erty  of  the  plaintiff.  Chitty  says  that.  It  was  so 
ruled  in  the  case  of  Muggins  vs.  Muggins." 

He  took  from  his  desk  a  bulky  volume,  and  ran 
over  the  pages  rapidly. 

"  Box,"  he  said,  "  small  box — medium  box.  Here 
it  is.  Humph!" 

The  Colonel  leaned  over  the  book,  but  the  attorney 
closed  it  quickly. 

"  Bring  an  ax,"  he  said.  "  A  hatchet  would  do, 


114  KILO 

but  an  ax  is  more  legal.  Hatchets  for  small  boxes, 
axes  for  medium  boxes.  There  is  a  later  case  than 
Muggins  vs.  Muggins." 

"  I'll  fetch  an  ax,"  agreed  the  Colonel. 

"Can  you  be  at  the  house  in  half  an  hour?" 
asked  the  attorney. 

The  Colonel  could. 

"You're  right  sure  there  ain't  goin'  to  be  no 
charges  to  this?  "  he  asked  anxiously,  and  when  the 
attorney  had  once  more  assured  him  there  would  be 
none,  he  picked  his  hat  from  the  floor  and  shuffled 
into  the  hall  and  down  the  stairs. 


CHAPTER   IX 
THE    WITNESS 

WHEN  Eliph'  Hewlitt  reached  the  Briggs  house, 
he  did  not  hesitate,  but  walked  right  up  to  the  front 
door  and  rang  the  bell.  A  minute  later  he  saw  the 
red  silk  that  obstructed  the  pane  of  beveled  glass 
in  the  upper  part  of  the  door  drawn  ever  so  slightly 
to  one  side  and  then  quickly  replaced.  He  caught 
the  glisten  of  an  eye,  as  the  red  silk  was  held  aside, 
but  the  door  did  not  open.  Miss  Sally,  after  the 
brief  glance,  tiptoed  back  through  the  hall.  She  did 
not  want  to  meet  a  book  agent. 

Eliph'  waited  a  respectable  minute  and  then  rang 
the  bell  again,  although  he  had  little  belief  that  this 
would  bring  Miss  Sally  to  the  door.  It  is  good  form 
to  ring  the  bell  of  the  front  door  several  times,  be 
fore  going  to  the  back  door,  for  it  may  be  that  the 
lady  of  the  house  is  dressing,  or  is  hastily  taking 
the  folded  paper  "  curlers  "  out  of  her  front  hair, 
or  slipping  on  her  "  other  skirt  "  before  admitting 
the  visitor.  Few  indeed  are  the  front  doors  in  Iowa 
that  open  promptly  to  a  knock  or  ring.  Primping 

115 


116  KILO 

time  must  be  allowed,  and  if  this,  followed  by  a  sec 
ond  ring  or  knock,  does  not  open  the  door,  nothing 
but  business  permits  the  visitor  to  go  to  the  back 
door.  Having  waited,  Eliph'  went  to  the  back  door. 
It  closed  almost  as  he  reached  it,  and  it  would  not 
open  to  his  most  vigorous  knocking. 

To  know  a  person  is  in  a  house,  and  not  to  be 
able  to  reach  that  person,  is  annoying,  and  Eliph' 
had  often  had  this  happen  to  him.  The  usual  course 
was  to  go  away  and  return  again ;  returning  a 
third  or  fourth  time,  or  until  the  door  at  last  opened ; 
but  Eliph'  was  not  merely  trying  to  sell  a  copy 
of  Jarby's  Encyclopedia  of  Knowledge  and  Com 
pendium  of  Literature,  Science  and  Art  this  time. 
He  had  no  time  to  waste  in  the  usual  manner.  If  he 
could  not  get  into  one  house  to  sell  a  book,  he  could 
enter  another  house  and  sell  a  book,  but  when  a  man  is 
after  a  certain  heart  he  does  not  care  to  go  to  an 
other  house  and  take  another  heart.  Some  men  do 
it,  but  they  are  usually  sorry  afterwards.  Eliph' 
walked  to  the  front  of  the  house  again,  and  looked 
at  the  front  door. 

He  felt  there  should  be  some  way  to  get  into  the 
house  and  have  five  minutes'  conversation  with  Miss 
Sally.  If  this  Colonel  and  this  Skinner  had  already 
had  months  or  years  of  opportunity  for  pressing 


THE  WITNESS  117 

their  suits,  there  was  no  time  to  be  lost,  and  the 
sooner  he  began  the  sooner  he  would  win.  But  none 
of  his  ordinary  methods  of  entering  unwilling  houses 
would  serve  his  purpose  this  time.  It  would  not  do 
to  begin  by  making  Miss  Sally  unfriendly.  So  Eliph' 
tucked  his  book  more  snugly  under  his  left  arm  and 
looked  at  the  house.  He  walked  to  the  gate  and 
looked  up  at  the  roof;  walked  across  the  street  and 
viewed  the  house  in  perspective;  but  nothing  useful 
came  of  it,  so  he  crossed  the  street  again  and  tried 
ringing  the  doorbell  once  more.  He  rang  it  sharply 
and  waited.  Then  he  knocked  and  waited.  He  was 
willing  to  wait  until  the  door  opened,  and  he  leaned 
against  the  porch  railing  and  waited,  ringing  the 
doorbell  insinuatingly,  or  commandingly,  or  coax- 
ingly,  from  time  to  time. 

Meanwhile,  the  attorney  waited  until  the  half  hour 
he  had  assigned  was  up,  and  then  walked  toward 
Miss  Briggs'  house  with  briskly  business-like  steps. 

"  Now,  some  folks,"  he  said  to  himself,  as  he 
walked,  "  wouldn't  get  any  fun  at  all  out  of  a  case 
like  this,  but  I  do.  That's  the  way  to  keep  young. 
It's  why  I  don't  grow  stale  in  this  town.  It  is  a  small 
puddle  for  a  toad  of  my  size,  but  I  hop  around  and 
keep  things  stirred  up." 

As  he  neared  the  house,  he  saw  the  Colonel  ap- 


118  KILO 

preaching  from  the  opposite  direction,  and  he  waved 
his  hand  to  him,  and  the  Colonel  hurried  to  meet 
him.  They  turned  into  the  yard  together,  and  saw 
Eliph'  Hewlitt  resting  easily  against  the  porch 
railing. 

"  Nobody  at  home?  "  asked  the  attorney. 

"  Yes,"  said  Eliph'.  "  Somebody's  home,  but  they 
don't  answer  the  bell." 

"Book  agent?"  said  the  attorney.  "Well,  you 
can't  blame  them,  much.  Gems  of  literature  aren't 
always  wanted." 

The  Colonel  scowled.  He  felt  a  personal  interest 
in  Pap  Briggs'  money,  and  he  resented  any  attempt 
to  part  the  old  man  from  any  of  it.  He  suffered  al 
most  as  deeply  at  tax  time  as  Pap  himself  did,  and 
he  considered  the  money  Sally  had  to  pay  in  install 
ments  on  Sir  Walter  Scott  as  practically  thrown 
away,  and  that  she  might  as  well  have  taken  it  out 
of  his  own  pocket.  He  knocked  on  the  lower  step 
of  the  porch,  with  the  side  of  his  ax,  angrily. 

"  You  git  out  of  this  here  yard !  "  he  ordered. 
"  I  don't  want  no  book  agents  a-hangin'  around  here, 
an'  I  won't  have  it.  You  clean  out  of  here !  " 

Eliph'  coughed  lightly  behind  his  hand,  but  the 
words  of  reproof  that  he  intended  to  launch  softly 
at  the  Colonel  were  never  spoken. 


THE     WITNESS  119 

"  Well,  this  is  lucky !  "  cried  the  attorney,  holding 
out  his  hand  to  Eliph'.  "  Colonel,  this  is  the  best 
luck  we  could  have  had.  Here  we  need  a  witness, 
and  here  we  have  him  right  on  the  spot !  I  was  going 
to  stop  and  get  Skinner  on  the  way  down,  and  then 
I  thought  maybe,  from  what  you  said,  you  and 
Skinner  were  not  very  friendly,  so  I  didn't,  and 
now  I'm  glad  I  didn't.  We  find  a  witness  right  here 
on  the  porch,  just  as  if  he  had  been  ordered  to  be 
here.  I  call  that  a  good  omen." 

The  Colonel  was  not  pleased,  and  he  showed  it, 
but  he  really  had  nothing  that  he  could  urge  against 
this  book  agent,  so  he  said  nothing.  The  attorney 
rang  the  bell,  and  Miss  Sally,  having  peeped  out  to 
see  the  meaning  of  so  many  men  on  her  porch,  rec 
ognized  the  Colonel  and  the  attorney,  and  opened 
the  door.  The  attorney  stood  back  to  let  Eliph' 
enter,  and  then  followed  him  in.  The  three  men  stood 
in  the  little  hallway,  hats  in  hand,  while  Toole  ex 
plained  why  they  had  come,  and  Miss  Sally  led 
the  way  to  the  second-floor  room  where  the  box 
stood. 

It  was  an  impressive  scene  as  the  four  gathered 
around  the  box. 

"  Knock  off  the  lid ! "  said  the  attorney  firmly. 
The  Colonel  raised  his  ax  and  struck.  The  boar<J 


120  KILO 

splintered,  but  remained  firm.  "  Legally,"  said  the 
attorney,  "  you  may  strike  three  blows." 

At  the  third  blow  a  portion  of  the  lid  fell  clatter 
ing  to  the  floor,  and  the  three  men  and  Miss  Sally 
peered  anxiously  into  the  box.  From  it  the  Colonel 
tenderly  lifted  a  nickel-plated  cylinder,  as  tall  as 
a  man's  knee  and  as  large  around  as  a  leg  of  mut 
ton.  It  had  a  convex  top,  and  on  one  side  a  dial. 
From  near  the  base  a  long  rubber  tube  extended. 

The  Colonel  handled  the  thing  gently.  He  held 
it  in  his  hands  as  an  old  bachelor  might  handle  his 
newborn  nephew,  and  Miss  Sally  looked  anxiously 
into  his  face,  appealing  for  enlightenment.  The 
Colonel  studied  the  thing  carefully,  and  then  looked 
into  the  box  again,  and  back  at  the  glittering  object 
in  his  hands.  There  were  three  more  exactly  like 
it  in  the  box. 

"What  is  it?"  asked  Miss  Sally  nervously.  It 
looked  explosive. 

The  gingerly  manner  in  which  the  Colonel  handled 
the  dangerous-looking  thing  aroused  her  suspicions. 
She  backed  away  from  it.  Eliph'  Hewlitt  opened 
his  lips  to  speak,  but  the  attorney  motioned  to  him 
to  be  still. 

"  Don't  you  know  what  it  is  ?  "  Miss  Sally  asked, 
appealing  to  the  Colonel, 


THE     WITNESS  121] 

"  Yes,"  said  the  Colonel,  but  he  still  looked  at  the 
glistening  affair  with  doubt.  "  Oh,  yes !  But  I  can't 
see  what  that  there  young  feller  was  doin'  with  four 
of  'em.  I  can't  see  what  he  was  doin'  with  'em  any 
how.  Mebby,"  he  said,  "  he  was  agent  for  'em." 

"  He  was  agent  for  'most  everything  I  ever  heard 
tell  of  a  man  bein'  agent  for,"  said  Miss  Sally,  "  but 
I  wish  you'd  tell  me  what  they  are." 

"Well,  ma'm,"  said  the  Colonel,  "them  is  fire- 
extinguishers;  patent  chemical  fire-extinguishers.  I 
know  because  I  recall  seein'  some  once  when  I  was 
down  to  Jefferson.  They  had  'em  in  a  theater  there. 
They  put  out  fires  with  'em." 

"Well!"  exclaimed  Miss  Sally.  "How  do  you 
ever  suppose  anybody  would  put  out  a  fire  with  a 
thing  like  that?" 

The  Colonel  turned  the  affair  over  and  over. 

"I  didn't  study  that  up,"  he  admitted,  "but  I 
guess  if  I  take  time  I  can  find  out  how  the  thing 
works.  They  squirt  out  of  this  here  tube  somehow." 

He  turned  up  the  end  of  the  tube  and  squinted 
into  it.  Again  Eliph'  Hewlitt  was  about  to  speak, 
but  the  attorney  caught  his  eye  and  winked,  and  the 
little  book  agent  held  his  tongue. 

"  Well,  land's  sakes ! "  exclaimed  Miss  Sally, 
"  what  am  I  goin'  to  do  with  four  fire-extinguishers, 


122  KILO 

I'd  like  to  know?"  She  asked  the  question  as  if 
the  Colonel  had  got  her  into  this  thing  of  the  owner 
ship  of  the  fire-extinguishers,  and  she  looked  to  him 
to  take  the  responsibility.  He  was  quite  willing  to 
accept  it. 

"  I've  got  to  think  that  over,"  he  said.  "  A  feller 
can't  decide  right  off  hand  what  to  do  with  four 
fire-extinguishers.  It  looks  to  me  as  if  they  was 
worth  a  lot  more  than  the  young  feller  owed  you, 
Miss  Sally.  They  ain't  no  doubt  about  Miss  Sally, 
havin'  a  right  to  'em,,  is  there,  Mister  Toole?" 

"  Not  a  bit  of  doubt !  "  exclaimed  Toole  cheerfully. 
"  She  has  every  right  in  the  world.  You've  got  a 
witness  that  they  came  out  of  that  box,  and  she  can 
sell,  give,  donate,  assign,  or  bequeath  them,  for  bet 
ter  or  for  worse." 

"  Then  that's  all  right,"  said  the  Colonel,  "  an' 
I  guess  that's  all  we  need  you  for." 

"  Except  to  settle  the  witness  fees  with  this  gen 
tleman,"  said  Toole,  turning  to  Eliph',  who  was  still 
eager  to  say  a  word  or  two.  "  But  mebby,  if  I  have 
a  word  or  two  with  him,  I  can  fix  it  up  without  making 
any  expense  for  you." 

He  drew  Eliph'  to  one  side. 

"What's  the  cost  of  that  book  you're  selling?" 
he  asked.  "  Well,  I'll  take  one.  I  don't  take  one  for 


THE     WITNESS 

a  bribe,  but  because  I  can  see  you're  not  the  sort 
of  man  that  would  sell  a  book  that  wasn't  worth  the 
money.  I  want  that  book.  And  just  you  keep  still 
about  those  fire-extinguishers.  Between  you  and  me, 
those  are  first-class  nickel-plated  lung-testers,  and 
not  fire-extinguishers.  But  that  doesn't  matter. 
There's  just  about  as  heavy  a  call  for  fire-extin 
guishers  in  Kilo  as  there  is  for  lung-testers.  Can 
you  keep  still  about  it?  " 

"  I  can,"  said  Eliph'  Hewlitt,  "  and  you'll  never 
regret  having  bought  a  copy  of  Jarby's  Encyclo 
pedia  of  Knowledge  and  Compendium  of  Literature, 
Science  and  Art.  It  is  a  book  that  should  be  in  every 
man's  hand,  and  in  every  home.  If  you  owned  a  copy 
now,  you  would  know  its  value  to  man,  woman,  or 
child.  I  was  going  to  try  to  sell  one  to  Miss  Briggs 
when  you  came,  and  if  you  could  help  me  to " 

The  attorney  smiled.  This  was  the  sort  of  a  game 
he  enjoyed.  "  Don't  tell  about  the  lung-testers,"  he 
whispered,  and  turned  to  Miss  Sally.  "  Miss  Briggs," 
he  said,  "  will  you  let  this  gentleman  have  a  few  min 
utes  of  your  time.  I  want  him  to  show  you  a  book 
he  has.  It  is  a  book  that  should  be  in  every  home. 
If  you  will  give  him  a  few  minutes." 

He  did  not  wait  for  Miss  Sally  to  answer,  but 
turned  to  the  scowling  Colonel. 


124  KILO 

"  Colonel,"  he  said,  "  I  want  you  to  walk  down 
to  the  office  with  me.  I  shouldn't  wonder  if  you 
could  sell  those  fire-extinguishers  right  here  in  Kilo." 

The  four  descended  the  stairs  together,  and  the 
Colonel  would  willingly  have  lingered,  but  the  at 
torney  took  him  by  the  arm  and  jovially  steered  him 
out  of  the  door.  Miss  Sally,  too,  would  gladly  have 
had  the  Colonel  remain,  to  protect  her  from  the 
book  agent,  and  to  say  "  no  "  when  the  appeal  to 
buy  was  reached,  but  Eliph'  retreated  into  the  dark 
ness  of  the  parlor,  and  took  a  seat  in  the  corner  of 
the  room,  and  Miss  Sally,  unable  now  to  escape  him, 
seated  herself  as  far  from  him  as  she  could. 


CHAPTER   X 
THE    BOSS    GRAFTER 

HEWLITT  was  resolved  that  into  this 
interview  no  words  regarding  Jarby's  Encyclope 
dia  of  Knowledge  and  Compendium  of  Literature, 
Science  and  Art  should  enter.  With  two  such  fa 
vored  rivals  in  the  field,  and  with  such  difficulty  in 
getting  into  the  house  as  he  had  experienced,  he 
meant  to  get  well  acquainted  in  a  hurry.  Miss  Sally 
sat  stiffly  in  her  chair,  steeling  herself  to  refuse  the 
request  to  buy  a  copy  of  the  book.  Her  usually 
attractive  face  was  stern,  as  she  looked  at  Eliph' 
Hewlitt,  and  she  watched  him  suspiciously  as  he 
slowly  combed  his  whiskers  with  his  fingers,  as  if 
she  feared  this  was  some  part  of  the  operation  by 
which  he  was  charming  her  into  a  hypnotic  state 
in  which  she  would  sign  for  a  book  without  knowing 
why.  She  nerved  herself  to  ward  off  whatever  in 
sinuating  words  he  should  first  say,  and  Eliph',  as 
he  studied  her  face,  sought  words  that  would  ad 
vance  him  at  one  bound  deep  into  the  state  of  being 
well  acquainted.  It  was  a  trying  moment  for  both, 

196 


126  KILO 

Then,  so  suddenly  that  Miss  Sally  almost  jumped 
from  her  chair,  Eliph'  coughed  behind  his  hand, 
and  spoke. 

"  It  seems  like  it  would  be  as  hot  to-day  as  it  was 
yesterday,  if  it  don't  shower  before  night,"  he  said, 
and  smiled  pleasantly  as  he  said  it. 

Miss  Sally  was  taken  off  her  guard,  and  before 
she  was  aware  she  had  answered,  quite  as  politely 
as  she  would  have  answered  the  minister  himself. 

"It's  awful  hot,"  she  said.  "I  guess  Kilo's  the 
hottest  place  on  earth  in  summer." 

"  Not  the  hottest,"  answered  Eliph',  leaning  for 
ward  eagerly.  "  You  wouldn't  say  that  if  you  had 
a  copy  of  Jarby's  Encyclopedia  of  Knowledge  and 
Compendium  of  Literature,  Science  and  Art,  and 
studied  it  up  the  way  I  do.  Page  44£  gives  all  the 
hottest  places  on  earth,  with  the  record  of  highest 
temperature  of  each,  together  with  all  the  coldest 
places,  where  there  is  the  greatest  rainfall,  and  a 
chronological  table  of  all  the  great  famines,  floods, 
storms,  hot  and  cold  spells  the  earth  has  ever  known, 
from  the  time  of  Adam  to  the  present  day,  with  pic 
tures  of  the  Johnstown  flood,  and  diagrams  of 
Noah's  Ark.  This,  with  the  chapter  on  the  Physical 
Geography  of  Land  and  Sea,  telling  of  tides,  ty 
phoons,  trade  winds,  tornadoes,  et  cetery,  explains 


THE     BOSS     GRAFTER  127 

why  and  how  weather  happens.  All  this  and  ten 
thousand  other  subjects,  all  indexed  from  A  to  Z  in 
one  book " 

He  paused  suddenly,  appalled  to  think  that  he 
was  already  far  from  his  resolve  not  to  mention 
Jarby's  Encyclopedia,  and,  as  his  voice  still  hung 
on  the  last  word  he  had  spoken,  the  doorbell  rang, 
and  Miss  Sally  jumped  up,  happy  for  any  interrup 
tion.  She  merely  turned  her  head  to  say: 

"  I  guess  I  don't  want  one  to-day,"  and  then 
Eliph'  heard  her  open  the  door,  and  greet  the  new 
comers  as  she  welcomed  them  into  the  hall.  They 
were  Mrs.  Tarbro-Smith  and  Susan,  and,  as  Miss 
Sally  hurried  them  up  the  stairs  to  remove  their 
dusty  hats,  she  leaned  back  and  called  to  Eliph': 

"  You  can  get  right  out  the  door,"  she  said,  "  it 
ain't  shut.  I  guess  I  won't  have  no  more  time  to 
spend  listenin'  to  you  to-day." 

For  half  an  hour  Eliph'  waited,  listening  to  the 
chatter  of  voices,  and  then  he  quietly  stole  from 
the  house  and  stepped  gently  out  of  the  yard.  There 
was  no  sense  in  waiting  longer,  and  he  knew  it. 

Mrs.  Tarbro-Smith,  receiving  a  letter  from  the 
editor  of  Murray's  Magazine,  had  learned  at  length 
that  Clarence  was  not  typical  Iowa,  and  she  had 
transferred  her  field  of  study  to  Kilo  on  his  rec- 


128  KILO 

ommendation.  She  meant  to  spend  the  rest  of  the 
season  there,  and  hoped  Miss  Sally  would  take  her 
to  board.  She  found  that  Miss  Sally  would  be  glad, 
indeed,  to  have  her  company,  and  Mrs.  Smith  did 
not  think  it  necessary  to  mention  that  she  was  look 
ing  for  local  color  and  types.  She  was  pleased  when 
she  heard  that  Eliph'  Hewlitt,  who  had  so  interested 
her,  was  "  working  "  Kilo. 

As  Eliph'  Hewlitt  walked  toward  the  hotel  he  felt 
that  another  opportunity  had  been  lost — thrown 
away — by  his  inability  to  avoid  Jarby's  Encyclope 
dia  as  a  topic,  and  for  one  moment  he  came  as  near 
giving  up  Miss  Sally  as  he  ever  came  to  giving  up 
anything.  In  that  moment  he  saw  the  simplicity  of 
his  courtship,  as  he  had  imagined  it  would  be,  re 
solve  itself  into  a  tangled  affair,  as  all  these  new 
individualities  entered  into  it.  Instead  of  being  a 
mere  matter  between  himself  and  Miss  Sally,  it  was 
involving  men  and  women,  one  after  the  other.  It 
seemed  to  become  a  fight  between  himself,  a  single 
stranger  in  Kilo,  and  an  endless  chain  of  interested 
citizens.  Already  there  was  Pap  Briggs,  who  hated 
book  agents;  the  Colonel  and  Skinner,  who  hoped 
to  win  Miss  Sally;  Mrs.  Smith,  who  would  serve  as 
a  defense  against  Eliph's  attacks ;  and,  as  he  walked 
down  the  street,  he  seemed  to  see  in  every  man2 


THE     BOSS     GRAFTER  129 

woman,  and  child,  a  possible  ally  of  either  the  Colo 
nel  or  Skinner.  But  he  tucked  his  sample  copy  of 
Jarby's  under  his  arm  more  securely,  and  braced 
up  his  courage.  He  even  whistled  as  he  approached 
the  hotel,  but,  when  he  glanced  up  at  the  attorney's 
office  and  saw  Toole  and  the  Colonel  with  their  heads 
together,  he  stopped  whistling.  If  Toole  was  going 
to  take  either  side,  Eliph'  would  have  liked  to  claim 
him.  Toole  was  a  smart  man. 

Toole  and  the  Colonel  left  Miss  Sally's  with  the 
attorney  well  pleased,  and  his  enigmatic  smile  rested 
on  his  face  as  he  led  the  Colonel  to  his  office.  He 
handed  him  a  chair,  and  made  him  take  a  cigar,  and 
then  turned  and  faced  him. 

"  Now,"  he  said,  "  what  are  you  going  to  do  with 
those  what-do-you-call-'ems  ?  " 

"Them  fire-extinguishers?"  said  the  Colonel, 
licking  the  cigar  around  and  around  before  lighting 
it.  "  Well,  I  ain't  had  much  time  to  think  that  over 
yet.  A  feller  can't  decide  on  a  thing  like  that  all  to 
once.  It  ain't  likely  no  one  in  Kilo  would  buy  a  fire- 
extinguisher  like  them,  all  nickel-plated,  if  they  had 
their  senses  about  'em.  'Twouldn't  be  natural.  I  might 
raffle  'em  off,  only  nobody'd  be  likely  to  buy  chances 
on  a  fire-extinguisher.  I  might  take  'em  down  to  Jef- 


130  KILO 

ferson,  but  I  don't  see  as  that  would  do  much  good, 
nobody'd  be  likely  to  buy  fire-extinguishers  off  of 
me  down  there." 

"  No,"  said  the  attorney,  turning  to  his  table  and 
looking  over  some  papers,  with  an  appearance  of 
interest.  "  No,  I  guess  not.  I  don't  see  that  you  can 
do  much  of  anything  with  them,  unless  you  use  them 
for  ornaments.  It  seems  a  pity  that  Miss  Briggs 
didn't  go  to  Skinner  for  advice  about  that  box,  in 
stead  of  to  you,  doesn't  it?  " 

The  Colonel  stopped  with  a  lighted  match  half 
way  to  his  cigar. 

"  What  do  you  mean?  "  he  asked,  red  in  the  face. 
"  Do  you  mean  that  puffy  old  beef-cutter's  got  more 
sense  than  what  I  have,  young  man  ?  " 

"  Oh,  no,"  said  the  attorney  carelessly.  "  Not  at 
all.  I  was  just  thinking  that  if  Skinner  had  opened 
that  box,  and  had  found  fire-extinguishers  in  it,  it 
would  have  been  a  fine  chance  for  him  to  say  to  Miss 
'Briggs,  '  Madam,  I  am  building  in  this  town  an 
opera  house,  known  as  Skinner's  Opera  House.  The 
safety  of  the  people  of  Kilo  demands  fire-extinguish 
ers  in  Skinner's  Opera  House.  I  will  take  those  four 
nickel-plated  appliances  and  install  them  in  my  opera 
house,  and  allow  you  ten  dollars  apiece  for  them, 
cash  or  meat.'  But,  of  course,"  continued  the  attor- 


THE  BOSS  GRAFTER  1st 

ney  innocently,  "you  can't  do  that;  you  haven't 
built  an  opera  house." 

The  Colonel's  little  eyes  peered  at  the  attorney, 
and  they  were  filled  with  cunning.  Across  his  hard 
mouth  a  smile  crept  and  broadened  until  he  had  to 
lay  his  hand  across  it,  it  was  so  indecently  wide  and 
exultant. 

"  Skinner  is  no  fool,"  continued  the  attorney. 
"  As  soon  as  he  hears  that  Miss  Briggs  has  those 
four  things  he  will  probably  rush  right  up  to  her 
house  and  offer  to  buy  them.  It  would  be  a  great 
feather  in  his  cap  with  her,  if  he  could  get  the  credit 
of  having  thought  of  it.  I  shouldn't  wonder  if  he 
had  heard  of  what  was  in  that  box  by  this  time.  It 
seems  a  pity,  doesn't  it,  that  he  should  get  all  the 
credit  after  you  have  done  all  the  work?  " 

The  Colonel  looked  at  the  noncommittal  face  of 
the  attorney,  and  smiled  again.  This  was  a  sort  of 
cunning  he  could  appreciate,  and  he  leaned  over 
and  gave  Toole  a  sly  poke  in  the  ribs,  to  show  him 
that  he  understood.  Toole  looked  at  him  with  a  blank 
face,  and  at  this  the  Colonel  slapped  his  knee,  and 
uttered  a  mirthful  noise  that  was  like  the  sound  of  a 
man  choking.  He  clapped  his  greasy  hat  on  his  mat 
of  hair  and  went  out,  pausing  at  the  door  to  look 
back  and  grin  at  the  attorney  once  more. 


132  KILO 

Mr.  Skinner  was  trimming  a  roast.  He  had  just 
cut  off  a  piece  of  suet,  which  he  held  in  his  plump 
red  hand  as  he  listened  to  the  Colonel's  proposition 
to  sell  him  four  nickel-plated  fire-extinguishers  at  ten 
dollars  each.  Perhaps  the  Colonel  spoke  too  impetu 
ously;  too  commandingly.  Skinner  held  the  lump 
of  suet  offensively  near  the  Colonel's  nose  as  he  an 
swered. 

"  Fire-extinguishers !  "  he  laughed.  "  Me  buy  fire- 
extinguishers?  I  wouldn't  give  that  for  them." 

He  shook  the  suet  before  the  Colonel's  eyes. 

"  No,  sir !  "  he  sneered.  "  I  wouldn't  give  that  for 
them.  And  I  throw  that  away ! " 

"  Skinner,"  said  the  Colonel,  growing  dangerously 
red  in  the  face,  "  don't  you  shake  no  meat  in  my  face 
like  that !  Don't  you  dare  to  do  it !  I  won't  have  no 
butcher  shake  meat  in  my  face.  You  low-down  beef- 
killer.  That's  all  you  are,  a  beef -killer." 

"  Mebby,"  admitted  the  butcher  indifferently. 
"  Mebby  I  am,  but  I  don't  buy  no  fire-extinguishers. 
And  I  don't  take  much  stock  in  agents  for  them, 
neither.  No.  Nor  in  gold  bricks.  Nor  green  goods. 
No." 

The  Colonel  raised  his  fist  and  brought  it  down  on 
the  butcher's  counter  so  hard  that  the  meat  scales 
danced,  and  the  indicator  jerked  nervously  across  the 


THE     BOSS     GRAFTER  133 

face  of  the  dial,  weighing  a  half  pound  of  anger. 
The  butcher  leaned  back  against  his  chopping  block, 
and  gently  caressed  the  handle  of  his  cleaver.  He 
pointed  to  the  door  with  his  other  hand. 

"  Git  out ! "  he  said,  and  the  Colonel  scowled  but 
went. 

On  his  way  home  the  Colonel  bethought  himself  of 
a  good  excuse  to  stop  at  Miss  Sally's.  He  had  left 
his  ax  there,  and  he  went  to  the  back  door,  this  not 
being  a  formal  call.  Miss  Sally  came  to  the  door 
when  he  knocked,  and  brought  him  the  ax,  and  he 
took  the  opportunity  to  say  a  bad  word  for  Skinner, 
and  he  was  astounded  to  find  that  she  sympathized 
with  Skinner  in  his  refusal  to  buy  the  fire-extin 
guishers. 

"  I  don't  wonder  at  it,"  she  said,  "  seeing  he  has 
put  so  much  money  on  that  opery  house  already. 
He's  done  a  lot  for  this  town  that  nobody  else  would 
ever  have  thought  of  doin.'  Mr.  Skinner's  a  very 
public-spirited  citizen,  and  to  think  he  made  it  all 
out  of  sellin'  meat!  It  must  be  a  good  business.  I 
guess  you'll  have  to  excuse  me  now,  Colonel  Guthrie, 
I've  got  visitors  down  from  Clarence." 

The  Colonel's  steps  dragged  as  he  walked  home. 
Never  had  Miss  Sally  said  so  many  good  words  for 
his  rival.  She  had  almost  rebuffed  his  good  offices  in 


134,  KILO 

the  attempt  to  sell  the  fire-extinguishers,  and  had 
praised  Skinner  to  his  face. 

Early  the  next  morning  he  "  dropped  up  "  into 
the  office  of  Attorney  Toole,  and  as  that  young  man 
lay  back  in  his  chair,  with  his  feet  on  his  desk,  he 
told  him  the  whole  story.  The  attorney  smiled.  This 
was  the  kind  of  split  in  the  ranks  of  the  Citizens' 
Party  that  he  had  hoped  to  promote. 

"  After  that,  Colonel,"  he  said,  when  the  Colonel 
had  told  him  that  Skinner  had  ordered  him  out  of 
the  shop,  "  you  ought  to  make  him  buy  them." 

"  I  wisht  I  could,  dog  take  him ! "  cried  the 
Colonel.  "  I'd  like  to  make  him  eat  'em." 

"  Colonel,"  said  Toole,  "  I  see  you  are,  as  always, 
guided  by  a  spirit  of  conservative  kindness.  You  hesi 
tate  to  force  that  butcher  to  do  what  he  does  not 
want  to  do.  The  feeling  does  you  honor,  but  is  it 
business?  You  hesitate  even  when  you  see  how  easily 
you  could  force  him  to  do  what  he  is  in  duty  bound 
to  do  to  protect  the  lives  of  our  trustful  citizens.  I 
admire  your  gentleness,  but  I  deplore  your  unbusi 
nesslike  moderation.  You  lack  public  spirit." 

The  Colonel  grinned  savagely.  He  felt  that  the 
attorney  was  teasing  him,  but  he  could  not  quite 
tell  how. 

"  You,"   said  Toole   easily,   "  knowing  that    our 


THE  BOSS  GRAFTER  135 

town  council  can,  and  should,  pass  an  ordinance  com 
pelling  all  owners  of  opera  houses  to  install  nickel- 
plated  fire-extinguishers — to  install  four  of  them  in 
each  opera  house  in  Kilo — for  the  protection  of  our 
people,  hesitate  to  ask  them  to  pass  such  an  ordi 
nance.  You  hesitate  because  you  do  not  wish  to  ap 
pear  malevolent  toward  a  rival.  Now,  don't  you?  " 

"  Me  be  kind  to  that  fat,  pig-stealing,  sausage- 
grinding "  snorted  the  Colonel,  but  the  attorney 

stopped  him  with  a  lifted  hand. 

"  Just  what  I  said,"  exclaimed  the  attorney.  "  You 
are  too  kind;  too  considerate;  too  regardful  of  his 
feelings.  But  would  he  be  so  kind  and  considerate 
and  regardful  of  your  feelings,  if  he  was  in  your 
place?" 

He  lowered  his  feet  and  his  voice,  and  placed  his 
hand  on  the  Colonel's  knee. 

"  No !  "  he  whispered  hoarsely.  "  No !  "  he  cried 
loudly  and  defiantly.  "  No !  He  would  not !  He 
would  use  the  influence  you  have  with  the  city  coun 
cil  and  the  mayor  to  have  an  ordinance  passed  making 
you  put  fire-extinguishers  in  your  opera  house,  and 
compel  you  to  buy  them  of  him.  But  you  will  not 
use  your  huge  influence  with  Mayor  Stitz  and  the 
city  council.  You  hesitate." 

Toole  shook  his  head  sadly;  he  almost  wept  out 


136  KILO 

the  last  word,  he  seemed  so  heartbroken  to  see  the 
Colonel  hesitate. 

"Why  hesitate?"  he  asked.  "If  I  were  not  a 
stranger  in  town,  as  I  may  say,  I  should  beg  you  not 
to  hesitate.  I  should  beg  you  to  act.  I  should  beg 
you  to  think  of  the  lives  of  poor,  helpless  women  and 
children.  I  should  beg  you,  for  humanity's  sake,  to 
go  to  the  honorable  mayor  and  city  council,  and  ap 
peal  to  them  to  pass  an  ordinance  compelling  this 
Skinner  to  buy  nickel-plated  fire-extinguishers. 
To  compel  him,  Colonel!  But  I  have  nothing  to 
say." 

He  shuffled  the  legal-looking  papers  that  littered 
his  desk.  The  Colonel's  eyes  had  narrowed  to  fine 
points  of  hate-instilled  cunning  as  the  attorney  pro 
ceeded. 

"  What  have  we  come  to,"  asked  the  attorney 
sadly,  "  when  the  leading  citizens  of  a  town  like 
Kilo  neglect  their  duty?  Are  there  no  true  citizens 
left  to  show  the  mayor  and  city  council  their  plain 
duty?" 

When  the  Colonel  had  the  thing  put  to  him  in  this 
light  he  did  not  hesitate.  He  knew  Stitz,  the  mayor, 
and  he  knew  that  Stitz  had  full  control  of  the  city 
council.  What  Stitz  told  it  to  do  the  city  council 
did,  and  the  Colonel  believed  he  had  a  right  to  die- 


THE     BOSS     GRAFTER  157 

tate  what  Stitz  should  tell  it,  for  he  had  suggested 
the  name  of  Stitz  as  candidate  for  mayor,  and,  with 
Skinner,  had  helped  elect  him.  He  went  at  once  to 
the  mayor,  and  laid  the  case  before  him. 

Mayor  Johann  Stitz  was  an  honest,  upright  shoe 
maker,  and  owned  his  own  building.  It  had  once 
been  a  street  car  in  Franklin,  and  when  the  horse 
cars  were  superseded  by  electric  cars,  Stitz  had 
bought  this  car  at  auction,  and  had  paid  ten  dol 
lars  to  have  it  hauled  to  Kilo.  It  had  not  been  a  very; 
good  car  when  it  left  the  shops  before  it  made  its 
first  trip,  and  the  ten  years  of  running  off  the  track 
and  being  boosted  on  again  had  not  improved  it 
much.  It  was  in  pretty  bad  shape  when  Stitz  picked 
it  up  for  eighteen  dollars,  and  it  had  deteriorated 
greatly  since  it  had  been  doing  duty  as  a  cobbler's 
shop,  but  Stitz  liked  it.  The  tiny  car  stove  that  stood 
midway  of  one  of  the  seats  was  all  he  needed  in  cold 
weather,  and  the  seats  along  the  sides  were  a  con 
tinuous  spread  of  cobblers'  seats.  He  could  cobble 
all  the  way  up  one  side  of  the  car  and  all  the  way 
back  the  other,  and  when  he  had  customers  waiting 
lie  always  had  a  seat  to  give  them.  He  and  the  whole 
city  council  could  hold  a  caucus  in  the  car,  and  all 
have  seats,  and  in  the  evenings  he  could  take  a  stool 
out  on  his  front  or  back  porch  and  smoke  a  pipe  in 


138  KILO 

peace.  His  car  stood  side  by  side  with  the  round- 
topped  wagon  of  the  traveling  photographer,  who 
had  not  traveled  since  his  felloes  gave  out  on  that 
very  lot  six  years  before. 

The  city  officers  of  the  Citizens'  Party,  being  of  an 
independent  party,  were  so  independent  that  they 
were  worried  and  chafed  by  their  independence.  No 
one  but  a  man  in  office  knows  the  real  blessedness  of 
having  the  set  beliefs  and  traditions  of  a  regular 
party  to  fall  back  upon.  The  independence  of  the 
independents  made  their  work  more  difficult ;  it  com 
pelled  them  to  decide  things  for  themselves,  and  then 
everybody  complained  of  what  they  did.  No  inde 
pendent  is  ever  satisfied  with  what  another  indepen 
dent  does,  and  they  lost  even  the  satisfaction  of 
knowing  that  they  were  pleasing  their  own  party, 
which  a  properly  servile  Democrat  or  Republican  is 
rather  apt  to  be  sure  of.  In  this  state  of  things  the 
six  councilmen  had  thrown  their  burdens  of  decision 
on  Stitz.  They  cast  the  whole  burden  on  him,  saying, 
"  Ask  Stitz.  He's  mayor.  What  he  says,  we'll  do." 
And  Stitz  never  would  say. 

As  the  Colonel  entered  the  mayor's  shoe  shop  Stitz 
was  reading  a  magazine,  which  he  laid  beside  him 
on  the  car  seat  while  he  listened  to  the  Colonel.  A 
pile  of  similar  magazines  lay  beside  him  on  the  seat. 


THE     BOSS     GRAFTER  139 

They  were  the  missionary  offerings  of  Doc  Weaver, 
who  was  interested  in  whatever  was  latest  in  religion, 
government  or  popular  science.  They  were  maga 
zines  telling  of  the  municipal  corruption  of  "  New 
York,  the  Vile,"  "  Philadelphia,  Defiled  but  Happy," 
"  Chicago,  the  Base,"  and  "  St.  Louis,  the  Decayed." 
Doc  Weaver  had  given  them  to  Mayor  Stitz  to  show 
him  the  evil  of  graft,  and  to  keep  his  administration 
clean  and  pure. 

When  the  Colonel  had  laid  before  the  mayor  his 
request  for  an  ordinance  compelling  all  opera  house 
owners  in  Kilo  to  install  and  maintain  four  nickel- 
plated  fire-extinguishers  in  each  opera  house,  the 
mayor  beamed  on  him  through  his  iron-rimmed  spec 
tacles. 

"  Ho !  Ho-o !  "  he  exclaimed,  "  it  is  to  make  Mister 
Skinner  buy  some  fire  extinguishables,  yes?  So  shall 
my  city  council  pass  an  ordinance,  yes  ?  Um !  " 

He  smiled  broadly  at  the  Colonel,  and  then  nodded. 

"  For  how  much  you  graft  me  ?  "  he  asked  blandly. 

"What?  "  asked  the  Colonel. 

"Graft  me,"  repeated  Mayor  Stitz.  "I  say  for 
how  much  you  will  graft  me  when  I  shall  pass  one 
such  ordinance  my  council  through?" 

"What's  that?"  asked  the  Colonel,  puzzled. 

"  For  how  much  you  will  make  me  one  graft  ?  " 


140  KILO 

Mayor  Stitz  repeated  slowly.  "  Graft !  Graft !  Un 
derstand  him  not?  " 

The  Colonel  shook  his  head. 

"What  is  it?  "he  asked. 

"  Graft !  Graft !  Graft !  "  exclaimed  the  mayor 
with  annoyance.  "Don't  you  know  him?  When  I 
make  you  one  ordinance  to  pass,  so,  then  you  make 
me  one  graft,  so !  Like  I  read  me  in  this  book.  Me  to 
you,  one  ordinance ;  you  to  me  one  graft.  So !  " 

A  look  of  dismay  came  over  the  face  of  the  Colonel, 
as  he  frowned  at  the  smooth,  honest  face  of  the 
mayor,  from  which  beamed  eyes  of  childish  honesty 
and  frankness. 

"  Here  in  this  book,"  said  the  mayor  slowly  and 
distinctly,  like  one  explaining  some  simple  thing  to 
a  child,  "  I  read  me  of  this  graft  business.  It  is  to  me 
this  graft  comes.  So  it  is  by  all  big  cities.  Man 
would  have  one  ordinance.  Goot!  In  every  town  is 
such  a  one  boss  grafter.  To  the  boss  grafter  gives 
the  ordinance-wanting  man  a  graft.  So!  Then  for 
the  ordinance-wanting  man  does  the  boss  grafter  get 
one  ordinance  made  like  is  wanted.  Yes !  So  it  is ;  no 
graft,  no  ordinance!  Some  graft,  some  ordinance! 
I  read  him  in  this  book  Doc  Weaver  gives  me  as  a 
lesson  to  go  by.  It  is  a  goot  way.  I  like  me  that 
graft  business." 


THE    BOSS    GRAFTER  141 

A  glimmering  of  the  meaning  entered  the  Colonel's 
mind,  but  he  could  hardly  connect  the  idea  of  graft 
with  the  honest  Johann  Stitz.  As  a  fact,  to  Mayor 
Stitz  the  idea  of  unlawful  gain  did  not  come.  Graft 
was  a  way  out  of  the  difficulty  of  having  to  decide 
things.  It  was  a  system  authorized  by  the  lawmakers 
of  great  cities,  and  a  system  that  could  operate  in 
Kilo.  Whenever  Stitz  and  his  council  passed  an  ordi 
nance  someone  complained,  and  upbraided  them;  he 
saw  now  why  this  was ;  they  had  not  used  the  ap 
proved  system.  But  the  Colonel  still  frowned. 

"  Well,  what — how  much  do  you  want  ?  "  he  asked. 

Mayor  Stitz  turned  up  his  innocent  face  and  smiled 
blandly  again. 

"  That  makes  not !  "  he  exclaimed.  "  In  the  books 
it  says  much  money,  but  is  not  yet  Kilo  so  gross  as 
New  York.  We  go  easy  yet  a  while.  It  is  what  you 
want  to  graft  me.  One  bushel  apples — one  bushel  po 
tatoes — that  you  must  say." 

The  Colonel  moved  closer  to  the  mayor.  He 
thought  of  Miss  Sally,  and  of  Skinner. 

"  I  will  make  you  a  present  of  a  bushel  of  apples," 
he  said. 

The  mayor  laid  down  his  magazine  and  arose.  As 
the  Colonel  watched  him  with  surprise,  he  removed 
his  leathern  apron.  The  Colonel  folded  his  hand  into 


142  KILO 

a  fist,  but  on  the  pleasant  face  of  Mayor  Stitz  there 
was  no  sign  of  anger;  no  sign  of  righteous  indigna 
tion  ;  only  a  bland  look  of  satisfaction. 

"Well,"  inquired  the  Colonel  impatiently,  "will 
ye  put  the  ordinance  through,  or  won't  ye?  " 

The  mayor  looked  at  him  with  surprise  in  every 
feature.  Clearly  this  Colonel  did  not  understand  the 
first  rudiments  of  graft. 

"First  I  must  go  by  Mr.  Skinner,"  said  Stitz 
simply.  "  Mebby  he  grafts  me  more  not  to  pass  such 
an  ordinance." 

"  Look  here,  Stitz,"  said  the  Colonel  in  alarm. 
"  You  ain't  goin'  to  do  that,  are  ye?  " 

"  Veil,"  said  the  mayor,  "  still  must  I  do  it !  So 
always  does  the  boss  grafter.  Which  side  grafts  him 
the  most,  so  he  does.  It  is  always  so,  never  different. 
To  the  most  grafter,  so  goes  he.  I  read  it  in  this 
books.  When  the  boss  grafter  does  not  so,  what  use 
is  the  grafts  ?  How  then  does  he  know  which  he  shall 
do  for,  the  ordinance-wanting  man,  or  the  ordinance- 
not-wanting  man?  " 

The  Colonel  tried  to  argue  with  him,  but  the  mayor 
was  obdurate.  He  would  not  budge  from  the  highest 
principles  of  graft,  and,  as  the  Colonel  had  gone  too 
far  now  to  recede  with  honor,  he  secured  the  best 
terms  he  could.  The  most  he  could  obtain  was  a 


THE     BOSS     GRAFTER  143 

promise  that  the  mayor  would  not  mention  any 
names,  nor  so  much  as  hint  that  graft  had  been 
promised.  He  uneasily  awaited  the  mayor's  return. 

Stitz  returned  radiant.  He  was  rubbing  his  hands 
and  beaming. 

"  Fine !  "  he  exclaimed.  "  Fine !  I  make  me  one 
boss  grafter  yet !  Mister  Skinner  grafts  me  one  roast 
beef  and  six  pigs'  feet.  He  ain't  much  liking  those 
fire  extinguishables  to  have.  How  much  more  will 
you  graft  me  now  ?  " 

The  Colonel  looked  the  mayor  squarely  in  the  eye. 

"  Stitz,"  he  said,  "  I  ain't  goin'  to  run  no  auction 
with  that  there  Skinner.  I  come  to  you  first,  an'  I 
was  the  first  to  say  I'd  make  you  a  present,  an'  you 
ought  to  pass  that  ordinance  anyhow.  But  to  shut 
up  this  thing  right  here  an'  now,  I'll  do  this :  if  you'll 
say  you'll  pass  that  ordinance  like  I  want,  so  Skin- 
ner'll  have  to  buy  them  four  nickel-plated  fire-ex 
tinguishers  that  Miss  Briggs  owns,  at  twenty-five 
dollars  each,  I'll  give  you  four  bushels  of  Benoni 
apples,  two  bushels  of  Early  Rose  potatoes,  four 
bunches  of  celery,  a  peck  of  peas,  and  one  spring 
chicken.  And  if  you  won't,"  he  added,  raising  his 
hand  threateningly,  "  I'll  go  to  them  six  councilmen, 
an'  I'll  graft  'em  one  at  a  time,  an'  then  where  '11 
your  boss  grafter  be?  You  can't  help  yourself." 


144  KILO 

The  mayor's  eyes  sparkled. 

"Say!"  he  exclaimed,  "ain't  I  a  boss  grafter? 
Apples,  potatoes,  celery,  peas,  and  chickens!  Five 
grafts  for  one  ordinance !  I  do  it ! " 

"  An'  don't  you  say  nothing  about  it,"  warned  the 
Colonel. 

The  Colonel  thought  there  would  be  no  harm  in 
making  a  little  commission  for  himself  on  the  deal. 
It  was  not  as  if  he  had  done  nothing  to  earn  it.  He 
would  have  to  furnish  the  produce  for  the  mayor's 
"  graft,"  and  he  had  secured  the  services  of  Toole 
free  of  fees,  and  he  was  doing  Miss  Sally  a  good  turn 
into  the  bargain.  If  Skinner  was  compelled  to  buy 
the  four  fire-extinguishers  at  twenty-five  dollars  each 
Miss  Sally  could  afford  a  commission  of  ten  dollars 
each,  and  forty  dollars  were  always  forty  dollars  to 
the  Colonel. 

The  mayor  kept  his  promise.  At  the  next  meeting 
of  the  council  the  ordinance  was  proposed,  and  hur 
ried  to  a  third  reading  by  a  suspension  of  the  by 
laws,  and  the  next  day  Stitz  signed  it.  There  was 
some  opposition  at  the  council  meeting,  for  Skinner 
was  present,  and  wanted  to  talk,  but  the  marshal  was 
present,  too,  and  at  a  word  from  Stitz,  he  helped 
Skinner  down  the  stairs,  but  gently,  as  a  marshal 
owing  a  considerable  butcher's  bill  should. 


CHAPTER  XI 
THE  FALSE  GODS  OF  DOC  WEAVER 

WHEN  Eliph'  Hewlitt  reached  the  hotel  after  his 
unfortunate  visit  of  courtship,  he  stood  a  minute 
irresolute,  and  then  the  sign  of  the  Kilo  Times, 
across  the  street,  caught  his  eye.  Here  was  a  power 
he  must  not  neglect;  the  power  of  the  press.  He 
knew  well  enough  that  the  next  issue  of  the  Kilo 
Times  would  chronicle  his  arrival  in  town;  some 
thing  like  "  E.  Hewlitt  is  registered  at  the  Kilo  Ho 
tel,"  or  "  E.  Hewlitt,  representing  a  New  York  pub 
lishing  house,  is  sojourning  in  our  midst,"  but  he 
felt  that  his  heart  interest  in  Kilo  demanded  some 
thing  more  than  this.  He  was  willing  to  have  all  the 
friends  he  could  muster  for  the  fight  he  would  have 
to  make  for  Miss  Sally's  affection,  and  he  knew  that 
the  press  was  powerful  in  creating  first  impressions. 
He  crossed  the  street  and  climbed  the  stairs  to  the 
office  of  the  Kilo  Times. 

Every  Thursday,  except  once  a  year,  when  Thomas 
Jefferson  Jones  went  to  the  State  Fair  at  Des  Moines, 
the  Kilo  Times  appeared,  printed  on  an  old 

145 


146  KILO 

Washington  hand-power  press  in  the  Times  office, 
four  small  pages,  backed  by  four  other  pages  that 
came  already  printed  from  a  Chicago  supply  house, 
with  the  usual  assortment  of  serial  story,  "  Hints  to 
Farmers,"  column  of  jokes,  sermon,  and  patent  medi 
cine  advertisements.  T.  J.'s  own  side  was  made  up  of 
local  advertisements,  a  column  of  editorial,  a  few 
bits  of  local  news  that  he  could  scrape  together,  and 
several  columns  of  "  country  correspondence."  T. 
J.  himself  was  the  entire  force  of  the  Times,  ex 
cept  for  a  boy  who  came  in  every  Thursday  morning 
to  work  the  hand-power  of  the  press,  who  then 
washed  up  and  delivered  the  papers  about  town. 
T.  J.  had  built  up  the  paper  from  a  state  of  decay 
until  it  was  one  of  the  most  prosperous  country 
weeklies  in  Iowa,  and  he  had  done  this  against  a 
handicap  that  would  have  discouraged  most  men — 
he  was  not  married. 

In  Kilo  subscriptions  are  frequently  paid  in  tur 
nips  or  cordwood,  and  the  advertisers  expect  at  least 
half  of  their  bills  to  be  taken  out  in  trade,  and  the 
unmarried  publisher  is  at  a  disadvantage.  An  un 
married  publisher  has  little  use  for  the  trade  half  of 
the  payment  he  receives  from  the  advertising  mil 
liner.  No  editor  can  appear  in  public  wearing  a 
gorgeously  flowered  hat  of  the  type  known  as  a  "  buz- 


FALSE    GODS    OF    DOC    WEAVER    147 

zard,"  and  retain  the  respect  of  his  subscribers. 
Neither  can  he  receive  as  currency,  in  a  year  when 
the  turnip  crop  is  unusually  plentiful,  more  than 
sixty  or  seventy  bushels  of  turnips  in  one  day  with 
out  having  to  get  rid  of  them  at  a  severe  discount. 
But,  in  spite  of  all  this,  T.  J.,  by  his  energy  and 
good  humor,  had  made  a  success  of  the  Times, 
and  his  editorials  advising  the  people  not  to  patronize 
the  Chicago  mail-order  houses,  but  to  patronize  their 
home  merchants,  were  copied  by  his  contemporaries 
all  over  the  State.  One  of  his  editorials  on  the  pros 
pects  of  the  year's  hog  crop  was  quoted  by  the  hog 
editor  of  a  big  Chicago  daily,  word  for  word.  These 
are  the  real  triumphs  of  country  journalism,  and  all 
over  the  State  his  paper  was  referred  to  by  his 
brother  editors  as  "  Our  enterprising  contemporary, 
the  Kilo  Times,'9  and  T.  J.  as  "  The  brilliant  young 
editor  of  the  same." 

When  Eliph'  Hewlitt  entered  the  printing  office 
T.  J.  was  standing  by  his  case  setting  up  an  item 
of  news.  He  never  wrote  anything  but  editorials  on 
paper ;  other  matter  he  composed  in  type  as  he  went 
along.  It  saved  time.  Now  he  laid  his  "  stick  "  on 
the  case  and  turned  to  Eliph'. 

"My  name  is  Hewlitt,  Eliph'  Hewlitt,"  said  the 
book  agent,  "  agent  for  Jarby's  Encyclopedia  of 


148  KILO 

Knowledge  and  Compendium  of  Literature,  Science, 
and  Art,'  published  by  Jarby  &  Goss,  New  York; 
price,  five  dollars,  neatly  bound  in  cloth,  one  dollar 
down,  and  one  dollar  a  month  until  paid." 

As  the  editor  was  about  to  speak,  Eliph'  raised 
his  hand. 

"  I  don't  want  to  sell  you  one ! "  he  exclaimed. 
"  We  are  members  of  the  same  craft,  and  I  never 
canvass  the  publishers,  except  to  offer  them  a  chance 
to  buy  this  book  at  the  very  liberal  discount  offered 
by  our  firm  to  the  fellow  members  of  the  great  craft, 
a  discount  of  forty  per  cent.,  bringing  the  cost  of 
the  book,  complete  in  every  respect  and  exactly  like 
those  sold  regularly  for  five  dollars,  down  to  the 
phenomenally  low  cost  of  three  dollars.  At  this  price 
no  publisher  can  afford  to  be  without  a  copy,  con 
taining,  as  it  does,  all  the  matter  usually  found  in 
the  most  complete  and  expensive  encyclopedias,  and 
much  more,  all  condensed  into  one  volume  for  ready 
reference.  It  saves  time  and  money." 

T.  J.  shook  his  head,  not  unkindly,  but  positively, 
and  was  about  to  turn  to  his  case  again,  but  Eliph' 
held  out  his  hand. 

"  I  merely  mentioned  it,"  he  said,  with  a  smile.  "  I 
don't  want  to  sell  you  one.  I  supposed  you  would 
have  learned  from  the  landlord  that  I  was  in  town 


FALSE  GODS  OF  DOC  WEAVER  149 
and  I  only  wanted  to  be  sure  that  you  got  the  item 
right  for  the  next  paper." 

T.  J.  turned  to  his  galleys  and  read  from  the 
type: 

" *  One  of  the  visitors  to  our  little  burg  this  week 
is  E.  Hewlitt,  of  New  York,  who  is  stopping  at  the 
Kilo  House.'  " 

Eliph  stroked  his  whiskers  and  smiled. 

"Yes,"  he  said.  "Quite  correct.  H-e-w-1-i-t-t,  I 
presume?  A  very  good  item,  and  well  worded,  but  it 
might  be  more — more  extensive." 

"  We  are  rather  crowded  for  space  this  week," 
said  T.  J.  "  Two  of  our  country  correspondents 
missed  the  mails  last  week,  and  we  have  a  double  dose 
of  it  this  week." 

"Certainly,"  said  Eliph'.  "But  I  was  thinking 
that  this  book  ought  to  be  mentioned.  The  advent  of 
a  book  like  Jarby's  Encyclopedia  of  Knowledge 
and  Compendium  of  Literature,  Science,  and  Art, 
containing,  as  it  does,  selections  from  the  world's 
best  literature,  hints  and  helps  for  each  and  every 
day  in  the  year,  recipes  for  the  kitchen,  the  dying 
words  of  all  the  world's  great  men,  with  their  lives, 
et  cetery,  ought  to  be  noticed.  I  was  wondering  if 
you  would  have  space  to  run  in  a  little  card  about 
that  book." 


150  KILO 

T.  J.  came  forward  and  brushed  a  heap  of  ex 
changes  from  the  only  chair  in  the  office,  and  mo 
tioned  to  it  with  his  hand.  Eliph'  laid  his  book  on 
the  editor's  desk,  and  picked  up  a  copy  of  last  week's 
Times.  He  ran  his  eye  over  the  columns,  and 
stopped  at  the  advertisement  of  Skinner,  the  butcher. 

"  I  was  thinking  of  something  about  twice  the  size 
of  this,"  he  suggested. 

T.  J.  smiled  and  mentioned  his  rate  for  the  space. 
It  was  not  much,  and  Eliph'  nodded. 

"Every  week,  until  forbid,"  ho  said,  "  and  I  guess 
I'd  better  subscribe.  I  am  going  to  live  right  here  in 
Kilo  right  along  now,  and  the  man  that  don't  take 
his  home  paper  never  knows  what  is  going  on." 

T.  J.  was  pleased.  He  was  more  pleased  when 
Eliph'  pulled  a  long  purse  from  his  pocket,  and  paid 
for  one  insertion  of  the  advertisement  and  for  the 
subscription.  The  editor  pulled  a  pad  of  paper 
toward  himself,  and  wrote  hastily,  while  Eliph'  briefly 
mentioned  facts.  When  the  next  number  of  the 
Times  appeared  there  was  a  well-displayed  ad 
vertisement  of  Jarby's  Encyclopedia,  with  Eliph' 
Hewlitt  mentioned  as  agent,  but  more  important  to 
Eliph'  was  the  "  local  item  "  that  stood  at  the  very 
top  of  the  local  column. 

"  We  are  glad  to  announce  that  Kilo  has  secured  as 


FALSE  GODS  OF  DOC  WEAVER  151 
a  citizen  Eliphalet  Hewlitt,  a  man  whose  work  in  be 
half  of  good  literature  entitles  him  to  the  highest 
praise.  Mr.  Hewlitt,  who  intends  to  make  his  home 
with  us  permanently,  is  representative  of  the  cele 
brated  work,  Jarby's  Encyclopedia  of  Knowledge 
and  Compendium  of  Literature,  Science,  and  Art, 
published  by  Jarby  &  Goss,  Greater  New  York, 
and  his  travels  in  behalf  of  that  work  have  taken 
him  to  all  parts  of  the  nation.  To  have  a  man  of 
such  extensive  travel  decide  to  make  Kilo  his  home  is 
an  honor.  Mr.  Hewlitt  says  that  in  all  his  travels 
he  never  found  a  town  more  up-to-date  and  progres 
sive  for  its  size  than  our  own  little  burg.  We  heartily 
welcome  him  to  our  midst. 

"  We  have  it  on  good  authority  that  Mr.  Hewlitt 
is  a  man  of  considerable  means,  amassed  in  carrying 
on  his  work  as  a  disseminator  of  literature,  and  that 
he  intends,  in  the  near  future,  to  purchase  a  home 
here.  He  will  probably  buy  a  lot,  and  erect  a  dwelling 
that  will  be  a  credit  to  him  and  to  our  little  burg.  At 
present  he  is  stopping  with  Doctor  Weaver,  the  lead 
ing  physician  of  our  little  burg. 

"  We  learn  that  our  new  citizen  has  followed  a 
habit  universally  adopted  by  many  authors,  theatri 
cal  artists,  and  others  gifted  in  various  ways,  and 
early  adopted  a  nom  de  plume,  choosing  the  name  of 


152  KILO 

Eliph'  Hewlitt  because  of  its  unassuming  simplicity. 
His  real  name  is  Samuel  Mills,  and  he  is  the  son 
of  the  late  W.  P.  Mills,  of  Franklin,  gifted  author  of 
the  deservedly  famous  poetical  work,  '  The  Wage  of 
Sin.'  Early  in  his  career  our  new  citizen  found  himself 
overshadowed  by  the  fame  of  his  father,  and  unwilling 
to  succeed  but  by  and  because  of  his  own  efforts, 
he  chose  a  nom  de  plwne,  which  he  has  ever  since 
used.  This  truly  American  independence  does  him  the 
greatest  credit. 

"  Mr.  Mills,  or  Eliph'  Hewlitt,  as  he  prefers  to  be 
known,  is  an  old  schoolmate  of  James  Wilkins,  the 
prominent  livery  and  hotel  man  of  our  little  burg. 
Again  we  welcome  him  to  our  midst." 

This  was  headed,  "  Eliph'  Hewlitt  Now  a  Citizen  of 
Kilo ! "  and  it  was  all  the  introduction  the  little  book 
agent  needed — except  to  Miss  Sally.  When  she  read 
it  she  turned  pale.  A  book  agent  living  in  the  very 
town  was  more  than  she  could  bear. 

But  there  was  another  item  of  news  that  Eliph' 
left  with  T.  J.  that  went  into  the  same  issue  of  the 
Times.  This  stated  that  Mrs.  Smith,  of  New  York, 
and  Miss  Susan  Bell  were  visiting  Miss  Sally  Briggs, 
and  T.  J.  had  completed  the  slight  information  given 
him  by  Eliph'  by  a  call  at  Miss  Sally's.  It  was  after 
Eliph'  had  told  T,  J.  that  he  meant  to  make  his  home 


FALSE    GODS    OF    DOC    WEAVER     153 

in  Kilo  that  the  enterprising  editor  suggested  Doc 
Weaver's  as  a  good  boarding  place,  and  the  little 
book  agent  was  glad  enough  to  settle  himself  in  a 
real  home,  for  the  Kilo  Hotel  was  hardly  more  than 
an  annex  to  the  livery,  feed  and  sale  stable  part  of 
Jim  Wilkins'  business,  and  any  man  with  half  an  eye 
could  see  that  it  was  not,  as  a  home  for  men,  to  be 
compared  in  comfort  with  the  stable,  as  a  home  for 
horses.  Jim  would  have  been  the  last  man  in  Kilo  to 
expect  a  visitor  to  remain  in  the  Kilo  Hotel  more 
than  two  days.  Before  the  end  of  the  day  Eliph'  had 
arranged  with  Mrs.  Doc  Weaver  for  board  and 
lodging,  and  had  moved  his  big  valise  to  the  little 
back  room  on  the  second  floor,  from  the  low  six- 
paned  windows  of  which  he  could  look  out  over  the 
cornfield  that  environed  Kilo  on  that  side. 

At  supper  he  met  Doc  Weaver  himself,  and  found 
him,  as  Kilo  pronounced  him,  "  a  ready  talker." 
Eliph'  and  Doc  Weaver  were  sitting  at  the  supper 
table,  earnestly  engaged  in  conversation,  while  the 
doctor's  wife  cleared  away  the  dishes,  and  Eliph' 
was  pouring  out  the  knowledge  he  had  absorbed 
from  Jarby's  Encyclopedia  of  Knowledge  and  Com 
pendium  of  Literature,  Science  and  Art.'  The  doctor 
was  having  a  mental  feast.  Behind  his  spectacles  his 
eyes  glowed  with  pleasure,  and  in  exact  ratio,  as  the 


154.  KILO 

doctor's  spirits  rose,  the  frown  on  his  wife's  fore 
head  deepened. 

The  doctor  had  few  opportunities  for  discussing 
any  subjects  but  the  most  ordinary.  Neighborhood 
gossip,  the  weather,  the  price  of  corn,  were  the  usual 
sources  of  conversation  in  Kilo,  except  when  an  elec 
tion  gave  a  political  tinge  to  discussions,  or  when  a 
revival  turned  all  attention  to  religious  matters ;  but 
the  doctor's  mind  scorned  these  limitations,  and  he 
found  few  persons  from  year's  end  to  year's  end  to 
whom  he  could  speak  openly  on  his  favorite  themes. 

To  Kilo  in  general  the  doctor  was  something  of  a 
mystery.  Ordinarily  he  was  the  most  silent  of  men, 
but  on  occasion,  as  for  instance  when  he  could  but 
tonhole  an  intelligent  stranger,  he  dissolved  into  a 
torrent  of  words. 

Doc  Weaver  held  views.  He  believed  there  were 
other  things  besides  the  Republican  party  and  the 
Methodist  Church,  and  being  liberal-minded,  he  be 
lieved  all  these  other  things  in  turn,  and  he  had  be 
lieved  them  enthusiastically.  He  could  not  help  think 
ing  that  he  was  of  a  little  finer  clay  than  Skinner, 
or  Wilkins,  or  Colonel  Guthrie.  Kilo  considered  the 
doctor  one  of  her  peculiar  institutions ;  as  Kilo  took 
the  ever- joking  Toole  seriously,  so  she  took  the  ever- 
serious  doctor  good-naturedly,  but  not  too  seriously. 


FALSE    GODS    OF    DOC    WEAVER    155 

He  was  "  jist  Doc  Weaver,"  and  Kilo  reserved  the 
right  to  laugh  at  him  in  private,  and  to  brag  about 
him  to  strangers,  and  they  were  apt  to  "  joke  "  him 
about  his  beliefs.  As  he  was  sensitive  and  dreaded 
the  rough  raillery  of  his  neighbors,  he  kept  his  en 
thusiasms  to  himself.  He  was  like  an  overcharged 
bottle  of  soda  water. 

Eliph'  and  the  doctor  were  discussing  Christian 
Science  and  faith  cures  generally,  and  when  the  doc 
tor's  wife  passed  to  and  fro,  catching  a  phrase  now 
and  then,  a  look  of  deep  anxiety  spread  over  her 
face,  until,  as  she  brushed  the  crumbs  from  the  red 
tablecloth,  her  shoulders  seemed  to  droop  in  dejec 
tion. 

When  she  smoothed  the  cloth  and  set  the  lamp 
on  the  mat  in  the  center  the  doctor  glanced  at  his 
watch  and  arose.  He  buttoned  his  frock  coat  over 
his  breast  (it  was  the  only  frock  coat  in  Kilo),  and 
drew  on  his  driving  gloves,  holding  his  hands  on  a 
level  with  his  chin.  It  was  a  habit,  an  aristocratic 
touch,  which,  like  his  side  whiskers,  detached  him  from 
the  rest  of  Kilo.  He  had  once  worn  a  silk  hat,  but  he 
soon  abandoned  it  for  a  gray  felt;  for  even  he  saw 
that  a  silk  hat  emphasized  his  individuality  too 
strongly  for  comfort.  It  was  a  tempting  mark  for 
snowballs  in  winter. 


156  KILO 

When  the  doctor  had  closed  the  door  and 
stepped  from  the  front  porch,  his  wife  sank  into 
a  chair. 

"  I  do  hope  you  won't  git  mad  at  what  I'm  goin' 
to  say,  Mister  Hewlitt,"  she  said,  "  'cause  I  ain't 
goin'  to  say  it  for  no  such  thing ;  but  I  couldn't  help 
hearin'  what  you  was  sayin'  to  Doc  while  I  was  red- 
din'  off  the  table.  I  wisht  you  wouldn't  let  him  git  to 
talkin'  about  new-fangled  religions  and  sich.  It  ain't 
for  his  good  nor  mine." 

Eliph'  nodded  good-naturedly. 

"  Why,  ma'm,"  he  exclaimed,  "  we  were  only  dis 
cussing  faith  cures,  and  neither  of  us  believes  in 
them — wholly,  that  is.  Of  course  everyone  who  has 
read  the  chapter  on  6  India,  Its  Religions  and  Its  His 
tory,'  in  Jarby's  Encyclopedia  of  Knowledge  and 
Compendium  of  Literature,  Science  and  Art,  must 
to  some  extent  admit  the  power  of  mind  over  matter. 
But  if  you'd  rather  not  have  me,  I'll  not  discuss  it 
again.  There  are  one  thousand  and  one  other  inter 
esting  subjects  treated  of  in  this  great  book,  any 
one  of  Which  will  please  the  studious  mind." 

"  I'd  rather  you  wouldn't,  if  you  don't  mind,"  said 
the  doctor's  wife  simply. 

Eliph'  Hewlitt  pushed  back  his  chair,  and  arose 
as  he  saw  the  lines  of  worry  leave  the  face  of  his 


FALSE    GODS    OF    DOC    WEAVER     157 

hostess.  He  turned  to  the  side  table  and  looked 
among  the  books  that  lay  on  it. 

Mrs.  Weaver  sprang  to  her  feet. 

"  Land's  sakes !  "  she  cried.  "  I  know  what  you're 
lookin'  for.  You're  lookin'  for  that  book  of  yourn, 
ain't  you?  It's  right  there  behind  them  wax  flowers 
on  the  what-not.  I  seen  it  layin'  around  and  I 
jist  shoved  it  back  there  so  Doc  wouldn't  git 
at  it." 

"  Well,  you  sit  down,  ma'm,"  said  the  book  agent. 
"  I  can  get  it.  But  there  was  no  need  to  be  so  par 
ticular.  The  doctor  knows  how  to  handle  a  book  as 
well  as  the  next  man." 

The  doctor's  wife  drew  her  darning  basket  from 
the  side  table  and  turned  its  contents  into  her  lap. 

"'Twasn't  that,"  she  said;  "I'd  never  have 
thought  of  that,  I  guess.  I  hid  it  because  I  didn't 
know  if  'twas  a  proper  book  for  Doc.  It's  got  a 
kind  of  a  queer  name." 

Eliph'  turned  the  book  over  in  his  hand.  It  was 
the  first  time  anyone  had  suggested  that  the  volume 
might  be  dangerous.  He  looked  up  and  smiled. 

"  It  would  not  harm  the  youngest  child,  ma'm," 
he  said,  "  unless  it  fell  on  it.  It  wouldn't  harm  a 
baby." 

"  Well,    I  guess    you'll   think   I'm   awful   foolish 


158  KILO 

about  Doc,"  said  Mrs.  Weaver,  "  but  I  wasn't  goin* 
to  take  no  chances,  and  the  name  kind  of  riled  me. 
And  them  pictures  of  ladies  bending." 

"Physical  Culture,"  said  Eliph',  "How  to  De 
velop  the  Body,  How  to  Maintain  Perfect  Health, 
How  to  Keep  Young  and  Beautiful.  Page  542. 
Why,  ma'm,  that's  just  a  system  of  training  for  the 
body.  It  makes  one  more  graceful,  just  like  running 
and  jumping  makes  a  boy  strong." 

The  doctor's  wife  heaved  a  sigh  of  relief. 

"  Well,  I  guess  that  won't  hurt  Doc  any  if  he  does 
read  it,"  she  laughed.  "  I  thought  it  was  some  new 
fangled  religion  or  other,  and  I  allus  keep  sich  things 
out  of  Doc's  reach.  Mebby  you'll  think  I'm  crazy, 
but  when  you  know  Doc  as  well  as  I  do,  you'll  find 
out  how  mortal  quick  he  is  to  take  up  with  new  no 
tions,  and  it  would  be  jist  like  him  to  give  up  his 
sittin'  in  church  and  go  and  be  a  Physical  Culture,  if 
there  was  any  sich  belief.  I  don't  mind  much  his  bein' 
a  Socialist,  or  any  of  them  politercal  things,  if  he 
wants  to, — and  goodness  knows  he  does, — 'cause  they 
keep  his  mind  busy ;  but  since  I  got  him  to  jine  church 
I'm  goin'  to  keep  him  jined,  Physical  Culture  or  no 
Physical  Culture.  I  seen  them  pictures,  and  they 
riled  me  right  up,  to  think  of  Doc's  goin'  round 
wrapped  up  in  them  sheets,  or  whatever  it  is  on 


FALSE    GODS    OF    DOC    WEAVER    159 

them  folks  in  the  pictures.  Mebby  it's  all  right  for 
Physical  Culturers,  but  I  don't  ev«r  hope  to  sea 
Doc  so." 

Eliph'  Hewlitt  laughed  a  thin  little  laugh,  and 
Mrs.  Weaver  smiled. 

"  Now,  you  do  think  I'm  foolish,  don't  you  ?  "  she 
inquired.  "  But  I  had  sich  a  time  with  Doc  'fore  I 
married  him  that  I'm  scared  half  to  death  every  time 
I  hear  a  long  word  I  ain't  right  sure  of.  I  was  'most 
worried  out  of  my  wits  last  Summer  when  Miss 
Crawford  was  here  lecturin'  on  Christian  Science. 
It  was  jist  about  even  whether  Doc  'ud  git  in  line  or 
not.  He  had  an  awful  struggle,  poor  feller,  'cause  he 
can't  bear  to  have  nothin'  new  to  believe  in  come 
round  and  him  not  believe  in  it.  Religions  is  to  Doc 
jist  like  teethin'  is  to  babies ;  they  got  to  teethe,  and 
seems  like  Doc's  got  to  catch  ne^v  religions.  He  ain't 
never  real  happy  when  he  ain't  got  no  queer 
fandango  to  poke  his  nose  into.  But  he  didn't  git 
Christian  Scientisted. 

"I  says  to  him,  'Doc,  ain't  you  an  allopathy ?* 
And  he  iays,  *  Yes,  certainly.'  '  Well,'  I  says, '  if  you 
go  and  be  a  Christian  Science  you  can't  be  no  allo 
pathy,  Doc.  Christian  Science  and  allopathy  don't 
mix,'  I  says,  '  and  you'd  starve,  that's  what  you'd 
do.  I  leave  it  to  you,  Doc,  if  you  quit  big  pills,  how'd 


160  KILO 

you  ever  git  a  livin'?  There  ain't  no  big  pills  set 
down  in  the  Christian  Science  book.* 

"  Well,  he  poked  his  eyes  up  at  the  ceiling,  and 
says,  '  I  might  write,  Loreny.'  '  Yes,'  I  says,  *  so 
you  might.  And  what  'd  you  write,  Doc  Weaver  ?  ' 
I  says.  '  Shakespeare?  '  And  Doc  shet  right  up,  and 
never  said  another  word.  It  was  a  mean  thing  for  me 
to  say,  but  I  was  awful  worried." 

"  Shakespeare?  "  inquired  Eliph'. 

"  Yes,  that's  the  word — Shakespeare,"  said  Mrs. 
Weaver.  "  It  come  purty  nigh  keeping  me  from 
marrying  Doc.  You  see,  Doc  ain't  like  common 
folks.  Doc's  got  sich  broad  ideas  of  things.  Lib'ral, 
he  calls  it,  but  I  name  it  jist  common  foolish.  He's 
got  to  give  every  new-fangled  scheme  a  show.  I  guess, 
off  and  on,  Doc's  believed  most  every  queer  name  in 
the  dictionary,  and  some  that  ain't  been  put  in  yet. 
I  used  to  tell  him  they  didn't  git  them  up  fast  enough 
to  keep  up  with  him.  He's  got  a  wonderful  mind, 
Doc  has. 

"  I  hain't  no  notion  how  ever  Doc  got  started  be- 
lievin'  things,  but  mebby  he  got  in  with  a  bad  lot  at 
the  doctor  school  he  went  to.  Doc  told  me  hisself 
they  cut  up  dead  folks.  Anyhow,  he  come  back  from 
Chicago  a  regular  atheist;  but  that  was  before  I 
knowed  him.  He  lived  up  at  Clarence,  and  he  didn't 


FALSE    GODS    OF    DOC    WEAVER     161 

come  to  Kilo  'til  about  ten  years  after  that,  and  he'd 
got  pretty  well  along  by  then,  and  had  got  right 
handy  at  believin'  things. 

"Well,  when  Doc  come  to  Kilo  pa  had  jist  died 
an'  ma  an'  me  had  to  take  in  boarders  to  git  along ; 
so  Doc  come  to  our  house  to  board.  That's  how  Doc 
an'  me  got  to  know  each  other.  I  was  about  as  old 
as  Doc,  and  we  wasn't  either  of  us  very  chickenish, 
but  I  thought  Doc  was  the  finest  man  I'd  ever  saw, 
an'  exceptin'  what  I'm  tellin'  you,  I  ain't  ever  had 
cause  to  change  my  mind. 

"  I'd  never  saw  so  many  books  as  Doc  brought — 
more'n  we've  got  now.  I  burned  a  lot  when  we  got 
married — Tom  Paine  and  Bob  Ingersoll,  and  all  I 
wasn't  sure  was  orthodoxy.  Why,  we  had  more  books 
than  we've  got  in  the  Kilo  Sunday  School  Lib'ry. 
'Specially  Shakespeare  books,  some  Shakespeare  writ 
hisself,  an'  some  that  was  writ  about  him.  Doc  was 
real  took  up  with  Shakespeare  them  days. 

"  'Most  all  his  spare  time  Doc  put  in  readin'  them 
Shakespeare  books,  and  sometimes  he'd  git  a  new  one. 
One  day  he  come  home  mad.  I  ain't  seen  Doc  real  mad 
but  twice,  but  he  was  mad  that  day  and  no  mistake. 
He'd  got  a  new  book,  an'  he  set  down  to  read  it  as 
soon  as  he  got  in  the  house;  but  every  couple  of 
pages  he'd  slap  it  shut  and  walk  up  an'  down,  growl- 


162  KILO 

in'  to  hisself.  Oh,  but  he  was  riled!  That  night  I 
heard  him  stampin'  up  an'  down  his  room,  mad  as 
a  wet  hen,  and  by  and  by  I  heard  that  book  go  rat- 
tlin'  out  of  the  window  and  plunk  down  in  the  radish 
bed.  So  next  morning  I  went  out  and  got  it,  'cause 
I  liked  Doc  purty  well  by  then,  and  it  made  me  sorry 
to  see  sich  a  nice,  quiet  man  carry  on  so. 

"I  couldn't  make  head  nor  tail  of  the  book,  nor 
see  why  it  riled  Doc  up  so.  It  was  jist  another  Shake 
speare  book,  only  this  one  said  that  it  wasn't  Shake 
speare,  but  some  one  else,  that  wrote  the  Shakespeare 
books.  I  thought  Doc  was  real  foolish  to  git  so  mad 
about  it,  but  I  had  no  idea  how  much  Doc  had  took 
it  to  heart. 

"  Well,  I  do  run  on  terribul  when  I  git  started, 
don't  I?  An'  them  supper  dishes  waitin'  to  be 
washed!  But  I  guess  it  won't  hurt  them  to  stand  a 
bit.  You  see,  when  Doc  begun  to  take  a  likin'  for  me, 
the  poor  feller  started  in  to  talk  about  what  he  be 
lieved  in.  Most  fellers  does.  First  he  begun  about 
greenbacks.  He  was  the  only  Greenbacker  in  Kilo; 
but  that  was  jist  politercal  stuff,  and  while  I'm  a 
good  Republican,  like  pa  was,  I  didn't  see  that  it 
would  hurt  if  my  husband  did  think  other  than  what 
I  did  in  that,  so  long  as  he  wasn't  a  saloon  Democrat. 
That  was  when  they  was  havin'  the  prohibition  fight 


FALSE    GODS    OF    DOC    WEAVER     163 

in  loway,  you  know.  But  when  Doc  begun  lettin'  out 
hints  that  he  didn't  think  much  of  goin'  to  church, 
I  was  real  sorry. 

"  I  was  sorry  because  I  couldn't  see  my  way  clear 
to  marry  an  outsider,  bein'  a  good  Methodist  my 
self;  but  I  didn't  dream  but  that  he  was  jist  one  of 
these  lazy  Christians  that  don't  attend  church  lest 
they're  dragged.  There  is  plenty  sich.  I  thought 
mebby  I  could  bring  him  round  all  right  once  he  was 
married;  so  I  jist  asked  him  right  out  if  he  would 
jine  church. 

"  Well,  you'd  have  thought  I'd  asked  him  to  take 
poison!  He  didn't  flare  up  like  some  would,  but  jist 
sat  down  and  explained  how  he  couldn't.  I  guess  he 
must  have  explained,  off  an'  on,  for  three  weeks  be 
fore  I  got  a  good  hang  of  his  idea.  Seems  like  he 
was  believing  some  Hindoo  stuff  jist  then.  I  don't 
know  as  you  ever  heard  tell  of  it.  It's  about  souls. 
When  a  person  dies  his  soul  goes  into  another  per 
son,  and  so  on,  and  so  on,  until  kingdom  come.  R'in- 
ca'nation's  what  they  call  it." 

"Yes,"  said  Eliph'  Hewlitt,  "it  is  all  given  in 
*  India,  Its  Religions  and  Its  History,'  in  Jarby's 
Encyclopedia  of  Knowledge,  and  Compendium  of 
Literature,  Science  and  Art." 

"  Jist  so ! "  said  Mrs.  Weaver.  "  Well,  I  guess  by 


164  KILO 

the  time  Doc  got  done  explainin'  I  knew  more  about 
r'inca'nation  than  what  your  Encyclopedia  of  Com 
pendium  does,  because  night  after  night  Doc  would 
sit  up  and  explain  till  I'd  drop  off  asleep. 

"  But  it  wasn't  no  use.  So  far  as  I  could  see,  r'in 
ca'nation  was  jist  plain  error  and  follerin'  after 
false  gods,  and  I  told  Doc  so.  Anyhow,  I  knowed 
there  wasn't  nothin'  like  it  in  the  Methodist  Church, 
an'  I  jist  up  and  let  Doc  know  I  wouldn't  marry 
anybody  that  believed  such  stuff.  Doc  reckoned  to 
change  my  mind,  but  my  argument  was  jist  plain 
*  I  won't ! '  and  that  settled  it.  I  believe  a  man  and 
wife  ought  to  belong  to  the  same  church, — '  thy  God 
shall  be  my  God ' — and  I  wasn't  goin'  to  give  up 
what  I'd  been  taught  for  any  crazy  notions  Doc  had 
got  into  his  head.  I  told  him  so,  plain. 

"  Then  Doc  took  a  poetry-writing  spell,  but  he 
wasn't  no  great  hand  at  it.  I  told  him  in  plain  words 
he  would  be  better  off  rollin'  allopathy  pills.  I  used 
to  git  right  put  out  with  Doc  sometimes,  foolin'  away 
good  time  that  way,  sittin'  round  by  the  hour  spoilin' 
good  paper.  I  reckon  he  started  close  onto  a  thou 
sand  poems,  but  he  didn't  git  along  very  good. 
'Bout  the  third  line  he'd  stop  and  tear  up  what  he'd 
wrote.  When  I  wasn't  mad  I  used  to  feel  real  sorry 
for  Doc,  he  tried  so  hard ;  but  f eelin'  sorry  for  him 


FALSE    GODS    OF    DOC    WEAVER    165 

didn't  help  him  none,  and  it  was  kind  of  rediculous 
to  see  him. 

"  One  day  I  asked  Doc  why  he  didn't  tell  ma  and 
the  rest  of  Kilo  what  he  believed  in,  and  he  said  that 
Kilo  folks  couldn't  understand  sich  things,  bein' 
mostly  born  and  bred  in  the  Methodist  Church,  and 
not  lib'ral  like  he  was.  I  seen  he  was  payin'  me  a 
compliment,  because  he  had  told  me,  but  I  couldn't 
swaller  r'inca'nation,  for  all  that.  And  so  we  didn't 
seem  to  git  no  further. 

"  But  one  day  Doc  says,  '  Well,  Loreny,  why  can't 
you  marry  me?  They  ain't  no  one  can  love  you  like 
I  do,  and  you  know  I'll  make  you  a  good  hus 
band,  and  I'll  go  to  church  with  you  reg'lar  if  you 
say  so.' 

"  *  Goin'  to  church  ain't  all,  Doc  Weaver,'  I  says0 
*  I  jist  won't  marry  a  man  that  believes  sich  trash  as 
you  do.' 

"  *  Well,  tell  me  why  not,'  he  says. 

" *  I'll  tell  you,  Doc  Weaver,'  I  says,  <  since  you 
drive  me  to  it.  I'm  willing  enough  to  marry  you,  but 
I  ain't  willing  to  marry  some  old  heathen  Chinee  or 
goodness  knows  what ! ' 

"  Doc  was  took  all  aback.  6  Why,  Loreny ! '  he 
says,  *  Why,  Loreny ! ' 

"  *  I  mean  it,'  I  says,  *  jist  what  I  say.  How  can 


166  KILO 

I  tell  who  you  are  when  you  say  yourself  you  ain't 
nothing  but  some  old  spirit  in  a  new  body?  Like  as 
not  you're  Herod,  or  an  Indian,  or  a  cannibal  savage, 
and  I'd  like  to  see  myself  marryin'  sich,'  I  says.  *  I'd 
look  purty,  wouldn't  I,  settin'  in  church  alongside  of 
a  made-over  Chinee?  * 

"  Doc  ain't  very  pale,  ever,  but  he  got  as  red  as  a 
beet,  and  I  see  I'd  hit  him  purty  hard.  Then  he 
kind  of  stiffened  up. 

"  6  Loreny,'  he  says,  *  I'd  have  thought  you'd  have 
believed  my  spirit  to  be  a  little  better  than  a  heathen 
Chinee's,'  he  says,  *  though  there's  much  worse  folks 
than  what  they  are.' 

"  I  seen  he  was  put  out,  an'  I  hadn't  meant  to 
hurt  his  feelings,  so  I  says,  more  gentle,  *  Well,  Doc, 
if  you  ain't  that,  what  are  you?  ' 

"  I  s'pose,  Mr.  Hewlitt,  you've  noticed  how  some 
times  something  you  find  out  will  make  clear  to  you 
a  lot  of  things  you  couldn't  make  head  nor  tail  of 
before.  That's  the  way  what  Doc  said  did  for  me. 
There  was  that  poetry  writin'  of  his,  an'  the  way 
that  Shakespeare  book  made  him  mad,  an'  how  he 
read  those  Shakespeare  books  instead  of  his  Mateery 
Medicky  volumes. 

"  Well,  I  asked  Doc, 6  If  you  ain't  a  heathen  Chinee 
or  some  sich,  what  are  you  ? '  an'  when  he  answered 


FALSE    GODS    OF    DOC    WEAVER    167 

you  could  have  knocked  me  down  with  a  wisp  of  hay. 
You'd  never  guess,  no  more  than  I  did. 

"  *  Loreny,'  he  says,  solemn  as  a  deacon,  *  I  didn't 
reckon  never  to  tell  nobody,  an'  you  mustn't  judge 
what  I  tell  you  too  quick.  I  ain't  made  up  my  mind 
sudden-like,'  he  says,  *  but  have  studied  myself  and 
what  I  like  and  don't  like,  for  years,  and  I've  jist 
been  forced  to  it,'  he  says.  '  There  ain't  no  doubt 
in  my  mind,  Loreny,'  he  says,  an'  he  let  his  voice 
go  away  down  low,  like  he  was  'most  afraid  to  say  it 
hisself.  6  Loreny,  I  believe  that  Shakespeare's  spirit 
has  transmigrated  into  me.' 

"  Well,  sir,  I  was  too  taken  aback  to  say  a  word. 
I  thought  Doc  had  gone  crazy.  But  he  hadn't. 

"  When  I  kind  of  got  my  senses  back  I  riled  up 
right  away.  6  Well,'  I  says  snappy,  '  I  think  when 
you  was  pickin'  out  someone  to  be  you  might  have 
picked  out  someone  better.  From  all  I've  heard, 
Shakespeare  wasn't  no  better  than  he'd  ought  to  have 
been.  He  don't  suit  me  no  better  than  a  Chinee  would, 
and  I  hain't  no  fancy  to  marry  Mister  Shakespeare. 
Maybe  you  think  it's  fine  doin's  to  be  Shakespeare, 
Doc  Weaver,  but  I  don't,  and  I  ain't  going  to  marry 
a  man  that's  like  a  two-headed  cow,  half  one  thing 
and  half  another,  and  not  all  of  any.  When  you  git 
your  senses,'  I  says,  '  you  can  talk  about  marryin* 


168  KILO 

me.'  And  off  I  went,  perky  as  a  peacock.  But  I 
cried  'most  all  night. 

"  Him  an'  me  kind  of  stood  off  from  each  other 
after  that,  and  I  made  up  my  mind  I'd  die  before  I'd 
marry  Doc  so  long  as  he  was  Shakespeare,  and  Doc 
had  got  the  notion  that  he  was  Shakespeare  so  set  in 
his  mind  it  seemed  likely  I  would. 

"  I  hadn't  never  took  much  stock  in  poetry  readin' 
since  I  got  out  of  *  Mother  Goose,'  but  I  begun  to 
read  Shakespeare  a  little  jist  to  see  what  kind  of 
poetry  Doc  thought  he  had  writ  when  he  was  Shake 
speare.  Well,  I  wouldn't  want  to  see  sich  books  in 
the  Sunday  School  Lib'ry,  that's  all  I've  got  to  say. 
Some  I  couldn't  make  much  sense  out  of,  but  there 
was  one  long  poem  about  Venus  and  some  young 
feller — well,  I  shouldn't  think  the  gov'ment  would 
allow  sich  things  printed!  I  jist  knowed  Doc 
couldn't  ever  have  writ  such  stuff.  There  ain't  so 
much  meanness  in  him.  But  I  couldn't  see  clear 
how  to  make  Doc  see  it  that  way. 

"  I'd  about  given  up  hopes  of  ever  curing  Doc, 
when  one  day  a  feller  come  to  town  and  give  a  lec 
ture  in  the  dance  room  over  the  grocery.  He  was 
one  of  these  spiritualism  fellers,  and  as  soon  as  it 
was  noised  around  that  he  was  comin',  I  knowed  Doc 
would  be  the  first  man  to  go  and  the  last  to  come 


FALSE    GODS    OF    DOC    WEAVER    169 

away,  and  he  was.  Thinks  I,  '  Let  him  go.  If  Doc 
jines  in  with  spiritualists,  it  will  be  better'n  what  he 
believes  in  now,  and  if  he  begins  changin'  religions, 
mebby  I  can  keep  him  changin',  an'  change  him  into 
a  churchgoer.'  And  so,  jist  to  see  what  Doc  was  like 
to  be,  I  coaxed  ma  to  go,  an'  I  went,  too.  It  wasn't 
near  so  sinful  as  I  expected. 

"  The  feller's  name  was  Gilson,  an'  he  was  as  pale 
as  a  picked  chicken,  but  real  common  lookin',  other 
wise.  He  was  a  right-down  good  talker  and  seemed 
real  earnest.  He  wasn't  the  ghost-raisin'  kind  of  a 
spiritualist,  and  them  that  went  to  see  a  show,  come 
away  dissap'inted,  for  all  he  did  was  to  talk  and 
take  up  a  collection.  He  said  he  was  a  new  beginner 
and  used  to  be  a  Presbyterian  minister.  Doc  stayed 
after  it  was  over  and  had  a  talk  with  Gilson,  and  of 
course  he  got  converted,  like  he  always  did.  He  told 
ma  so. 

"  I  hadn't  been  havin'  much  talk  with  Doc  one 
way  or  another,  but  when  ma  told  me  he  had  jined 
the  spiritualists  I  eased  up  a  little,  and  one  day  I 
made  bold  to  say,  'Well,  Doc,  I  s'pose  now  you 
have  give  up  that  Shakespeare  foolishness,  ain't 
you? ' 

"  '  No,  Loreny,'  he  says, ' 1  ain't.' 

" 6  Land's  sakes ! '  I  says,  '  do  you  mean  to  say 


170  KILO 

you  can  be  two  things  at  once  in  religion,  as  well  as 
bein'  Shakespeare  and  Doc  Weaver?  ' 

" '  Yes,  Loreny,'  he  says.  *  The  spirit  has  got 
to  be  somewheres  between  the  times  it  has  got  a  body,' 
he  says.  *  That  stands  to  reason.  It's  always  puzzled 
me  where  I  was  between  the  time  I  died  two  or  three 
hundred  years  ago  and  the  time  I  entered  this  body,' 
he  says,  '  and  spiritualism  makes  it  all  clear.  I  was 
floatin'  in  space.' 

"  That's  jist  how  fool-crazy  Doc  was  them  days. 
There  he  was  believin'  with  all  his  might  that  r'in- 
ca'nation  business  and  that  spirit  business  at  the 
same  time. 

"  I  says,  *  Well,  Doc,  some  day  you'll  see  how 
deep  in  error  you  are,'  and  I  didn't  say  no  more. 

"  Of  course  Doc  wouldn't  let  well-enough  alone. 
There  was  a  big  spiritualist  over  to  Peory,  Illinoy, 
a  reg'lar  ghost-raisin'  feller,  and  what  did  Doc  do 
but  write  over  and  git  him  to  come  to  Kilo  and  give 
a  seeance.  That  is  a  meetin'  where  they  raise  up 
ghosts.  Doc  wanted  the  feller  to  stop  at  our  house, 
but  I  wouldn't  have  it,  so  he  had  to  put  up  at  the 
hotel.  Doc  said  it  was  a  shame,  but  as  soon  as  I 
seen  the  man  I  said  it  served  him  right,  and  that  he 
was  a  fraud,  but  Doc  swallered  him  right  down,  hide 
an'  hoof. 


FALSE    GODS    OF    DOC    WEAVER     171 

"  They  had  the  seeance  in  the  hotel  parlor,  and  no 
charge,  so  me  and  ma  went,  though  we  wasn't  jist 
sure  it  was  right;  but  I  says  it  wasn't  as  if  it  was 
real — we  knowed  it  was  all  foolishness;  so  ma  and 
me  trotted  along.  I  found  out  afterward  that  Doc 
paid  to  have  the  feller  come  to  Kilo.  His  name  was 
Moller,  an'  he  was  one  of  them  long-haired,  greasy- 
lookin'  men. 

"  I  must  say  it  was  real  scary  when  they  turned 
the  lights  down  an'  Moller  made  tables  jump  around 
and  fiddles  play  without  anybody  playin'  on  them. 
There  wasn't  many  folks  there,  but  ma  held  my 
hand,  an'  I  held  ma's,  and  Doc  was  right  in  front 
of  us. 

"  Moller  did  a  lot  of  tricks  sich  as  I  hear  they 
always  do,  an'  then  he  said  he'd  bring  up  any  spirits 
anyone  would  like  to  have  come  up.  That  was  what 
Doc  was  waitin'  for,  and  he  popped  right  up. 

"  '  I  should  like  to  talk  to  Bacon,'  he  says. 

" '  Bacon  ?  '  says  Moller.  '  There's  a  good  many 
Bacons  in  spirit-land.  Which  one  do  you  want  to 
speak  to,  brother?  ' 

" '  The  one  that  lived  when  Shakespeare  did,' 
says  Doc.  '  The  one  that  wrote  the  essays  and  sich. 
Sir  Francis  Bacon.' 

"'Ah,  yes!'  says  Moller.  Til  see  if  he's  willin' 


172  KILO 

to  say  anything  to-night.'  And  down  he  set  into  a 
chair.  Well,  you'd  have  died!  In  a  bit  his  head  and 
legs  begun  to  jerk  like  he  had  St.  Vitus  dance,  and 
then  he  straightened  out,  stiff  as  a  broomstick.  It 
was  the  silliest  thing  ever  I  seen.  I  felt  real  sorry 
for  Doc,  he  was  so  dead  earnest  about  it. 

"  In  a  minute  Moller  opened  his  jaw  and  begun 
to  talk.  It  was  all  sort  of  jerky-like. 

" '  Fm  sailin'  through  starry  fields,'  he  says,  *  ex- 
plorin'  the  wonders  of  the  universe.  Why  am  I  called 
back  to  earth  this  way?  Doth  somebody  want  to 
question  me  about  something?  ' 

"  Doc  was  all  worked  up.  He  held  onto  a  chair- 
back,  an'  he  was  so  shakin'  I  could  hear  the  loose 
chair  rungs  rattle. 

"  '  Is  this  Bacon  ?  '  he  says. 

"  *  It  is,'  says  Moller,  his  voice  jerkin'  like  a  kitten 
taken  with  the  fits. 

"  *  Well,'  says  Doc,  like  his  life  was  hangin'  on 
what  Moller  would  say,  *  did  you,  or  did  you  not, 
write  Shakespeare's  plays?  ' 

"'I  did  not,'  Moller  jerked  out;  'Shakespeare 
did.' 

"  You  could  hear  Doc  sigh  all  over  the  room,  it 
was  sich  a  relief  to  his  mind.  Doc  was  awful  pleased. 
He  was  smilin'  all  over  his  face,  he  was  so  pleased  to 


FALSE    GODS    OF    DOC    WEAVER     173 

have  Bacon  own  up,  an'  he  turned  to  ma  and  me 
and  says,  *  Ain't  it  wonderful ! ' 

"  Then  Moller  come  out  of  his  fit  an'  set  still 
a  while,  like  he  had  jist  woke  up  from  a  long  nap. 
Then  he  says  he's  goin'  into  another  trance,  an'  if 
any  in  the  room  wants  to  hold  talk  with  any  of  their 
lost  friends  or  kin,  they  should  ask  for  them,  an' 
he  jerked  again,  and  jerked  out  stiff. 

"  That  old  back-slider,  Pap  Briggs,  popped  up, 
but  Doc  was  ahead  of  him,  'cause  Pap  always  has 
to  regulate  his  store  teeth  before  he  can  git  his 
tongue  goin',  and  Doc  says,  *  I  desire  to  speak  with 
Richard  Burbage.' 

"  I  guess  Moller  didn't  know  any  sich  feller.  Any 
ways  he  jist  lay  still  an'  so  Doc  says,  '  Mebby 
there's  several  Richard  Burbages.  I  mean  the  one 
that  owned  a  theater  with  Shakespeare.'  But  Rich 
ard  Burbage  didn't  feel  like  talkin'  that  evenin'. 
I  reckon  Moller  didn't  know  nothin'  about  Richard 
Burbage,  and  was  frightened  that  Doc  would  ask 
him  something  that  he  couldn't  answer.  There  ain't 
nobody  slicker  than  them  fake  fellers.  It's  their 
business. 

"  But  Doc  was  so  worked  up  he  would  have  swal- 
lered  anything,  and  I  guess  Moller  thought  he  had 
to  make  up  to  Doc  for  payin'  his  expenses,  so  he 


174  KILO 

says,  smilin',  *  I  see,  doctor,  you  are  interested  in 
literature,  and  I'll  try  to  get  somebody  in  that  line 
that's  willing  to  talk.'  So  he  jerked  into  another 
trance. 

"Purty  soon  Moller  says:  'From  the  seventh 
circle  I  have  come,  drawn  by  the  will  of  somebody 
that  knows  and  loves  me.  It's  a  long  way.  Billions 
of  miles  off  is  my  new  home,  where  I  spend  eternity 
writin'  things  that  make  what  I  writ  on  earth  look 
like  nothin',' — or  some  sich  nonsense.  Doc  looked 
back  at  me  once,  proud  as  sin,  an'  then  he  swelled 
out  his  lungs,  an'  run  his  hand  over  his  whiskers, 
like  you've  seen  him  do.  He  was  gittin'  wound  up  for 
a  good  talk. 

"  If  I  do  say  it  myself,  Doc's  a  good  talker,  an' 
I  figgered  he'd  make  Moller  hustle.  I  see  Doc  was 
goin'  to  spread  hisself  to  do  credit  to  Shakespeare. 
He  hadn't  no  doubt  that  one  spirit  would  recognize 
another,  so  he  says,  like  he  was  makin'  a  speech, 
*  You  know  who  I  am  ?  ' 

"  '  I  do,'  says  Moller. 

" '  Then,'  says  Doc,  *  since  my  spirit  eyes  are 
blinded  by  this  mortal  body,  may  I  ask  who  you 
are?  '  He  didn't  hardly  breathe.  Then  Moller  jerked. 
6  I  am  Shakespeare,'  he  says,  sudden-like. 

"'What's  that?'  says  Doc,  short  and  quick. 


FALSE    GODS    OF    DOC    WEAVER    175 

"  6  Shakespeare,'  says  Moller — '  William  Shake 
speare.' 

"Poor  Doc  jist  dropped  into  his  chair,  and  run 
his  hand  over  his  forehead  and  his  eyes,  like  he  had 
bumped  into  the  edge  of  a  door  in  the  dark.  I  ain't 
never  seen  Doc  real  pale  but  once,  and  that  was 
then.  Then  he  turned  round  to  ma  an'  me,  weak  as 
a  sick  baby,  an'  says,  '  Come,  Loreny ;  this  lyin' 
place  ain't  nowhere  for  you  and  me  to  be,'  and  we 
went  out. 

"  '  Well,  Doc,'  I  says,  when  we  was  outside,  '  seems 
to  me  like  there  is  two  of  you,'  and  that  was  all  I 
says  to  him  about  it,  then ;  but  I  guess  he  see  what 
a  fool  he'd  been,  'cause  the  next  night  he  says,  *  Lo 
reny,  I  wisht  you'd  git  me  a  set  of  the  articles  of 
belief  of  your  church.  I'd  like  to  look  them  over.' 

"  « Well,'  I  says,  '  who'll  I  say  wants  them,  Shake 
speare  or  Doc  Weaver? ' 

" 6  You  can  say  an  old  fool  wants  them,'  says  Doc, 
*  and  you'll  hit  it  about  right.' 

"  So  Doc  jined  church,  an'  he's  leadin'  the  singin' 
now;  but  you  can  see  why  I  keep  sich  a  lookout  lest 
he  gits  started  off  on  some  new  religion." 

Mrs.  Weaver  glanced  at  the  clock. 

"  Mercy  me ! "  she  exclaimed.  "  Doc'll  be  home 
before  I  git  them  supper  dishes  washed  up.  Now,  you 


176  KILO 

won't  feel  hurt  because  I  don't  want  you  to  talk  new 
religions  to  Doc,  will  you?  You  can  see  jist  how  I 
feel,  and  you  wouldn't  want  no  husband  yourself 
that  was  a  philopeny,  as  you  might  say.  I  don't 
believe  I  could  git  on  real  well  with  Doc  if  he  had 
kept  on  bein'  Shakespeare.  I'd  always  have  felt  like 
he  was  'bout  three  hundred  years  older  than  me.  But 
there's  jist  one  thing  I  dread  more  than  anything 
else.  If  Doc  should  take  up  with  the  Mormon  re 
ligion  and  start  a  harem,  I  believe  I'd  coax  him  to 
be  Shakespeare  again.  It's  bad  enough  to  have  a 
double  husband,  but,  land's  sakes,  I'd  rather  that 
than  to  be  part  of  a  wife." 


CHAPTER   XII 
GETTING   ACQUAINTED 

ALTHOUGH  Eliph5  Hewlitt  was  not  making 
much  progress  in  his  courtship  he  was  far  from  idle 
in  the  succeeding  weeks.  He  had  taken  many  orders 
for  Jarby's  great  book  in  the  county,  before  he 
arrived  in  Kilo,  and  as  a  shipment  of  the  books  ar 
rived  from  New  York  he  spent  much  of  his  time  be 
hind  old  Irontail  making  his  deliveries  and  collecting 
the  first  payments,  and  some  time  in  the  immediate 
neighborhood  making  new  sales.  One  of  the  copies 
he  had  to  deliver  was  the  one  purchased  by  Mrs.  Tar- 
bro-Smith,  but  although  he  delivered  it  to  her  at  Miss 
Sally's,  he  did  not  have  an  opportunity  to  speak  to 
Miss  Sally,  for  she  hid  herself  when  he  approached 
the  door,  and  did  not  come  down  stairs  again  until 
he  had  left  the  house. 

Mrs.  Tarbro-Smith  received  the  book  with  a  lady 
like  enthusiasm,  and  immediately  placed  it  upon  Miss 
Sally's  center  table,  where  its  bright  red  cover  added 
a  touch  of  cheerfulness  to  the  room,  suggestive  of 
the  knowledge,  literature,  science  and  art  the  book 

177 


178  KILO 

was  guaranteed  to  irradiate  in  any  family.  But  Miss 
Sally  never  so  much  as  looked  inside  its  covers.  She 
avoided  it  as  if  she  thought  the  book  itself  might 
seize  her  and  sell  to  her,  against  her  will,  one  of  its 
fellows.  Mrs.  Smith  said  openly  that  she  wished  she 
might  see  more  of  Eliph'  Hewlitt,  and  that  she 
thought  him  a  most  remarkable  book  agent,  partic 
ularly  after  she  had  heard  of  his  selling  the  Mission 
ary  Society  a  wholesale  lot  of  Jarby's  Encyclopedia, 
and  after  glancing  through  the  book  she  admitted 
that  it  was  really  an  excellent  thing  of  its  kind,  but 
Miss  Sally  merely  remarked  that  she  didn't  like  book 
agents,  and  that  she  hated  this  one  more  than  most, 
he  was  so  slick. 

The  energetic  spirit  of  Mrs.  Smith  was  sure  to 
carry  her  into  anything  that  partook  of  a  social 
nature,  and  she  had  arrived  in  Kilo  in  the  midst  of 
the  festival  season,  when  out-door  festivals  of  all 
varieties  were  following  one  after  another  almost 
weekly  for  the  benefit  of  the  church,  which  had  a 
properly  clinging  and  insatiable  debt.  In  these  festi 
vals  she  took  a  prominent  part,  for  they  brought  her 
in  contact  with  the  people  of  Kilo  as  nothing  else 
could,  and  if  she  enjoyed  the  affairs,  so  did  Susan. 
Susan  bloomed  wonderfully.  She  sprang  at  once 
from  childhood  to  young  womanhood,  and  Mrs. 


So  Doc  fined  church,  an'  he's  leadin    the  singin'  now 


'    •         •:.'    : 


GETTING    ACQUAINTED         179 

Smith  was  pleased  to  have  her  protegee  appear  so 
well  and  receive  so  much  attention,  for  she  felt  that 
she  had  had  the  revision  of  her.  She  already  saw  in 
her  the  heroine  of  the  novel  she  meant  to  write,  with 
the  plot  beginning  in  Kilo  and  Clarence,  and  carried 
to  New  York  and,  perhaps,  Europe. 

The  attorney  and  the  editor  were  particularly  nice 
to  Susan,  and  attentive  to  Mrs.  Smith  at  all  the  festi 
vals,  and  it  amused  the  New  Yorker  to  find  herself 
and  her  maid  on  an  equal  social  plane.  It  is  quite  dif 
ferent  in  New  York.  But  lady's  maids  in  New  York 
are  not  all  like  Susan.  Maids  in  New  York  do  not 
spend  their  spare  time  studying  Jarby's  Encyclo 
pedia  of  Knowledge  and  Compendium  of  Literature, 
Science  and  Art,  and  Susan  did.  Even  Eliph'  Hew- 
litt  could  not  have  read  the  book  more  faithfully 
than  Susan  did,  nor  have  believed  in  it  more  trust 
fully.  Often  when  the  editor  or  the  attorney  sought 
her  at  one  of  the  festivals  they  would  find  her  talk 
ing  with  Eliph'  Hewlitt,  exchanging  facts  out  of 
Jarby's  Encyclopedia. 

For  Eliph'  never  missed  a  festival.  He  haunted 
them,  standing  in  one  spot  until  his  eyes  fell  upon 
Miss  Sally,  when  he  would  make  straight  for  her  with 
his  dainty  little  steps,  and  she,  catching  sight  of 
him — for  she  was  always  on  the  lookout — would 


180  KILO 

move  away,  weaving  around  and  between  people  until 
he  lost  sight  of  her,  when  he  would  stand  still  until 
he  caught  sight  of  her  again.  It  was  like  a  game. 
Sometimes  he  caught  her,  but  before  he  could  have 
a  word  with  her  she  would  make  an  excuse  and  hurry 
away,  or  turn  him  over  to  another.  Usually  she 
shielded  herself  by  keeping  either  the  Colonel  or 
Skinner  beside  her,  if  they  were  present,  and  they 
usually  were. 

"  Land's  sake !  "  she  exclaimed  to  Mrs.  Smith,  one 
evening,  as  they  were  walking  home  after  an  ice-cream 
festival  at  Doc  Weaver's,  "  I  wish  somebody  would 
tell  that  Mr.  Hewlitt  that  I  don't  want  to  buy  no 
books.  He  pesters  the  life  out  of  me.  I  can't  show 
myself  nowhere  but  he  comes  up,  all  loaded  to  begin, 
and  if  I'd  give  him  half  a  chance  he'd  have  me  buyin' 
a  book  in  no  time.  It  don't  seem  to  make  no  difference 
where  I  am.  I  believe  he'd  try  to  sell  books  at  a 
funeral."  Mrs.  Smith  laughed. 

"  I  know  he  would !  "  she  said.  "  He  is  delightful ! 
Why  don't  you  do  as  I  did,  and  buy  a  book,  and  then 
he  will  be  satisfied,  and  leave  you  alone." 

"  Well,  I  won't ! "  declared  Miss  Sally.  "  I  ain't 
done  nothin'  all  my  life  but  buy  books  an'  then  fight 
pa  to  get  money  to  pay  installments  on  'em,  an'  I 
won't  buy  no  more!  I  declared  to  goodness  when  I 


GETTING  ACQUAINTED  181 
bought  them  Sir  Walter  Scott  books  that  I  wouldn't 
buy  no  more,  an'  I  won't.  If  I  buy  this  one  off  of  this 
man,  there'll  be  another,  an'  another,  an'  so  on  'til 
kingdom  come,  an'  one  everlasting  fight  with  pa  for 
money." 

"  Couldn't  you  pay  for  it  with  the  money  you  got 
for  those  fire  extinguishers?  "  asked  Mrs.  Smith. 

"  Pa  borryed  that  to  pay  taxes  with,  long  ago, 
an'  that's  the  last  I'll  ever  see  of  that  money,"  said 
Miss  Sally.  "  Pa  ain't  the  kind  that  pays  back.  He's 
a  good  getter,  an'  a  good  keeper,  but  he's  about  the 
poorest  giver  I  ever  did  see,  if  he  is  my  own  father. 
There  ain't  nothin'  in  the  world  else  that  would  drive 
me  to  get  married  but  just  the  trouble  I  have  to  get 
money  out  of  pa  for  anything.  I  ain't  even  got  a 
black  silk  dress  to  my  name,  and  there  ain't  another 
lady  in  Kilo  but's  got  one.  I  guessed  when  we  moved 
to  town  I  would  have  the  egg  money  same  as  on  the 
farm,  but  since  pa  had  his  teeth  out  an'  got  new  ones 
he  won't  eat  nothin'  but  eggs,  an'  I  don't  get  any 
egg  money.  Pa  eats  so  many  eggs  I'm  ashamed  to  tell 
it.  I  wonder  he  don't  sprout  feathers.  I  don't  believe 
so  many  eggs  is  good  for  a  man.  It  don't  seem 
natural.  That  encyclopedia  book  don't  say  anywhere 
that  eatin'  too  many  eggs  makes  a  man  close  fisted, 
does  it?  " 


182  KILO 

Mrs.  Smith  said  she  could  remember  nothing  to 
that  effect  in  the  book,  and  for  a  minute  they  walked 
in  silence.  Suddenly  she  looked  up  and  spoke. 

"  Miss  Sally,"  she  exclaimed,  "  I  know  what  to  do ! 
I  will  make  you  a  present  of  my  encyclopedia.  I  will 
give  it  to  you,  and  the  next  time  you  see  Mr.  Hewlitt 
you  can  tell  him  you  have  a  copy,  and  then  he  will 
leave  you  alone !  " 

That  was  how  it  happened  that  at  the  next  festival 
Miss  Sally  did  not  run  when  she  saw  Eliph'  Hewlitt 
approaching,  but  stood  waiting  for  him.  He  stepped 
up  to  her  with  a  smile  that  was  half  pleasure  and  half 
excuse. 

"  I  don't  want  to  buy  a  book,"  she  said  quickly. 
"  I've  got  one.  Mrs.  Smith  gave  me  the  one  she  had. 
So  you  needn't  pester  me  any  more." 

"  I  didn't  want  to  sell  you  a  book,"  said  Eliph' 
gently,  "  although  I  am  glad  to  learn  you  have  one. 
No  person,  whether  man,  woman  or  child,  should  be 
without  a  copy  of  this  work,  including,  as  it  does,  all 
the  knowledge  of  the  ages  and  all  the  world's  wisdom, 
from  A  to  Z,  condensed  into  one  volume,  for  ready 
reference.  It  is  a  book  that  should  be  on  every  parlor 
table  and " 

"  Well,  I've  got  one,"  said  Miss  Sally,  "  so  it's 
no  use  wasting  talk  on  it.  One's  all  I  want.  Another 


GETTING    ACQUAINTED         183 

one  wouldn't  be  no  good  but  to  clutter  up  the 
house." 

"  Just  so,"  said  Eliph'.  "  I  don't  want  to  sell  you 
another.  To  sell  this  book  is  the  smallest  part  of  my 
trouble.  It  is  a  book  that  sells  itself.  I  only  need  to 
show  it,  to  sell  it.  Wherever  it  falls  open  it  attracts 
the  attention  with  a  gem  of  thought  or  a  flower  of 
knowledge,  perhaps  the  language  of  gems,  or  the 
language  of  flowers,  how  to  cure  boils,  how  to  pre 
serve  fruit,  each  page  offers  something  of  value  to 
the  mind.  A  copy  of  this  book  in  the  house  is  a 
friend  in  sickness  or  in  health,  a  help  in  business  and 
a  companion  in  pleasure ;  to  the  agent  it  is  a  source 
of  steady  and  continuous  income.  One  copy  sells  an 
other." 

"  I  said  before  that  I  don't  want  another,"  said 
Miss  Sally  shortly. 

"Let  us  talk  about  something  else,"  said  Eliph' 
Hewlitt,  coughing  politely  behind  his  hand.  "  I'll  be 
glad  to,  but  I  do  not  blame  you  for  bringing  up  the 
subject  of  the  work  I  am  selling.  I  make  it  a  rule 
never  to  talk  book  out  of  business  hours,  but  I  am  not 
sensitive,  as  some  book  agents  are.  When  Jarby's 
Encyclopedia  of  Knowledge  and  Compendium  of 
Literature,  Science  and  Art  is  mentioned  I  am  not 
offended;  I  am  not  ashamed  of  my  business — I  enjoy: 


184  KILO 

it.  I  could  talk  of  the  merits  of  this  unequaled  work: 
day  and  night  without  stopping  and  yet  not  do  it 
full  justice,  but  I  don't.  When  my  work  is  done  I 
stop  talking  book.  I  might,  to  enliven  conversation, 
quote  from  the  6  Five  Hundred  Ennobling  Thoughts 
from  the  World's  Greatest  Authors,  Including  the 
Prose  and  Poetical  Gems  of  All  Ages,'  containing,  as 
it  does,  the  best  thoughts  of  the  greatest  minds,  suit 
able  for  polite  and  refined  conversation,  sixty-two 
solid  pages  of  them,  with  vingetty  portraits  of  the 
authors,  and  a  short  biographical  sketch  of  each,  in 
cluding  date  and  place  of  birth,  date  and  place  of 
death,  if  dead,  et  cetery.  Or  I  might,  to  brighten  a 
passing  moment,  propound  one  or  more  of  the  '  Six 
Hundred  Perplexing  Puzzles,'  page  987,  including 
charades,  conundrums,  quaint  mathematical  catches, 
et  cetery,  compiled  to  brighten  the  mind  and  puzzle 
the  wits,  suitable  for  young  or  old,  for  grave  or  gay. 
It  is  a  book  that  meets  every  want  of  every  day,  is 
neatly  and  durably  bound,  and  the  price  is  only  five 
dollars." 

Miss  Sally  turned  as  if  to  run  away,  but  Eliph'  put 
out  his  hand  and  touched  her  arm  lightly. 

"But  I  don't,"  he  said.  "I  don't  quote,  and  I 
don't  propound.  I  put  the  book  aside  and  I  forget. 
When  my  work  is  done  I  relax  my  mind.  I  enter  into 


GETTING    ACQUAINTED         185 

the  pleasures  I  find  most  congenial,  such  as  festivals, 
sociables,  fairs,  kermesses,  picnics,  parties,  recep 
tions,  et  cetery,  rules  and  suggestions  for  conducting 
all  of  which  are  to  be  found  in  this  book,  which  is 
recommended  and  esteemed  by  the  leaders  of  society, 
both  in  the  Four  Hundred  and  out.  Or  I  read  a  good 
book,  a  list  of  five  hundred  of  which  may  be  found  on 
page  336,  '  The  Reader's  Guide,'  giving  advice  in 
selecting  fiction,  history,  philosophy,  religious  works, 
poetry,  et  cetery,  the  whole  selected  by  eight  of  the 
most  eminent  professors  of  literature  in  our  colleges 
and  universities,  both  at  home  and  abroad.  Or  I  in 
dulge  in  conversation,  in  which  what  better  guide 
than  is  to  be  found  on  page  662,  '  The  Polite  Con 
versationalist,'  including  gems  of  wit,  apt  quotations, 
how  to  gain  and  hold  the  attention,  how  to  amuse, 
instruct  and  argue,  et  cetery  ?  When  it  is  remembered 
that  all  this,  and  much  more,  can  be  had  for  only 
five  dollars,  neatly  bound  in  cloth,  one  dollar  down 
and  one  dollar  a  month  until  paid,  what  wonder  is  it 

that— that " 

Suddenly  one  of  the  paper  lanterns  that  hung 
from  the  wire  above  them  burst  into  flame,  and  Eliph' 
saw  on  Miss  Sally's  face  the  look  of  fear  with  which 
she  was  regarding  him,  fear  and  fascination  mingled. 
The  smile  faded  from  his  lips,  and  his  gentle  blue 


186  KILO 

eyes  became  troubled.  He  dropped  the  hand  that  had 
been  lightly  resting  on  her  arm,  and  his  dapper  air 
of  self-confidence  wilted  into  abashment. 

"  Was  I — was  I  talking  book?  "  he  asked  weakly. 
"  I  was !  Pardon  me,  Miss  Briggs,  pardon  me,  I 
didn't  know  it.  I'm  sorry.  I  didn't  mean  to." 

For  a  moment  Miss  Sally  studied  his  face,  and  she 
saw  only  a  genuine  contrition  there,  and  a  regret  so 
deep  that  she  was  sorry  for  him.  There  could  be  no 
doubt  of  his  sincerity. 

"  Well !  "  she  exclaimed,  with  a  breath  of  relief ; 
"  I  do  believe  you  didn't  know  you  was !  I  believe  that 
book's  got  so  ground  into  you  that  you  can't  help 
but  talk  it,  like  Benny  Tenneker,  who  got  so  used  to 
climbin'  trees  an'  f allin'  out  of  'em  that  he  used  to 
climb  the  bedposts  an'  fall  off  of  'em  in  his  sleep 
without  wakin'  up.  Mrs.  Doc  Weaver's  his  aunt,  an' 
when  he  visited  her  he  nearly  got  killed  f  allin'  out  of 
bed  when  he  was  tryin'  to  climb  a  bed  post  when  there 
wasn't  none  on  the  bed.  He'd  got  so  he  could  fall 
out  of  any  high  place  an'  light  safe,  but  he  wasn't 
used  to  fallin'  off  of  low  ones.  He  was  such  a  nice 
boy.  All  Martha  Willing's  children  were  nice.  Mebby 
you've  met  her.  She  lives  out  Clarence  way." 

"Willing?"  said  Elliph'.  "Yes,  I  sold  her  a— I 
mean  to  say,  I  met  her." 


GETTING    ACQUAINTED         187 

"  Well,  her  husband's  dead,  and  her  and  her  boys 
is  runnin'  the  farm,"  said  Miss  Sally,  "  an'  doin'  right 
well,  so  I  guess  she  ain't  afraid  of  book  agents.  She 
can  afford  to  buy.  I  don't  know  as  I'm  afraid  of  'em 
either,  or  hate  'em  as  such,  but  I  can't  afford.  Pa 
don't  approve  of  books  much,  an'  he  can't  see  why  he 
should  pay  out  money  for  what  he  don't  approve  of. 
Books  an'  taxes  he  don't  care  much  for.  That's  why 
I  was  so  scared  of  you." 

"I  didn't  want  to  sell  you  a — to  sell  you  any 
thing,"  said  Eliph'  meekly.  "  All  I  wanted  was  to  get 
acquainted,  to  get  well  acquainted." 

"  I  guess  that's  all  right  then,"  said  Miss  Sally. 
"  There  ain't  anything  more  natural  than  that  you 
should  wish  that,  bein'  intendin'  to  make  your  home 
here.  I  hope  you  like  the  place  an'  make  lots  of 
acquaintances,  but  if  I  was  you  I'd  try  not  to  talk 
book  any  more  than  you  have  to.  I  don't  think  it'll 
help  to  make  you  popular,  as  I  may  say.  That  Sir 
Walter  man  sort  of  gave  everybody  an  overdose  of 
book,  an'  folks  feel  kind  of  mad  at  book  agents  ever 
since.  Like  father  Emmons,  when  he  had  one  of  his 
sick  spells,  an'  nothin'  would  do  but  he  was  goin'  to 
die,  so  he  got  up  before  sun-up  an'  drove  to  town  to 
see  Doc  Weaver.  He  let  Doc  know  he  felt  he  was 
dyin,'  an'  told  him  the  symptoms,  an'  all  Doc  says 


188  KILO 

was,  6  All  you  want  is  salts.  You  stop  at  the  drug 
store  an'  get  a  pound  of  salts,  an'  I'll  warrant  you'll 
be  as  well  as  ever.'  So  when  his  daughter — she's  Mary 
Ann  Klepper — went  into  the  house  after  carryin' 
lunch  to  the  men  in  the  field,  there  was  her  poor  old 
father  settin'  at  the  table  with  the  big  yeller  bake- 
bowl  in  front  of  him,  an'  him  eatin'  away  at  what  was 
in  it  with  a  big  spoon.  6  Eatin'  bread  an'  milk, 
father?  '  she  asks,  an'  her  pa  looks  up  with  tears  in 
his  eyes,  an'  swallers  down  another  spoonful.  *  No,' 
he  says,  as  cross  as  a  bear,  '  I'm  eatin'  a  pound  o' 
salts  Doc  Weaver  told  me  to  git,  but  hang  if  I  can 
eat  another  spoonful,  an'  I  ain't  above  half  done.' 
So  I  guess  Kilo  folks  kind  of  gag  when  they  think  of 
books." 

"  If  I  so  much  as  mention  books,"  said  Eliph' 
pleadingly,  "  I  wish  you'd  stop  me.  Don't  let  me. 
Mebby  I  do  sort  of  get  in  the  habit  of  it,  thinking  it 
and  talking  it  so  much.  But  I  never  meant  to  sell 
you  one.  I  only  wanted  to  get  acquainted." 

Miss  Sally  laughed. 

"Well,"  she  said  cheerfully,  "there's  different 
ways  to  do  it,  but  I  guess  you  an'  me  have  got  well  ac 
quainted  different  from  what  most  folks  does.  Ain't 
you  been  over  to  the  ice-cream  table  yet?  Or  was 
you  waitin'  to  be  primed;  that's  what  us  ladies  is 


GETTING  ACQUAINTED  189 
here  for,  to  start  folks  spendin'  money,  like  Mrs. 
Foster's  little  nephew  that  come  up  from  the  city  to 
visit  her  last  summer.  He  wanted  to  know  what 
everything  was  for  that  was  on  the  farm  or  in  the 
house,  that  he  wasn't  used  to,  an'  when  they  told  him 
they  always  had  to  leave  a  dipper  of  water  in  the  pail 
to  prime  the  pump  with  so  it  would  give  water,  he 
wanted  to  know  if  the  reason  they  had  the  pans  of 
milk  in  the  spring-house  was  so  they  could  prime  the 
cows  so  they  would  give  milk." 

Eliph'  laughed  heartily,  for  his  heart  was  light. 
He  was  making  progress ;  Miss  Sally  had  admitted 
that  they  were  well  acquainted,  and  now  he  could  pro 
ceed  to  the  second  step  advised  in  "  Courtship ;  How 
to  Win  the  Affections;  How  to  Hold  Them  When 
Won." 


CHAPTER   XIII 
"SECOND:    A    SMALL    PRESENT" 

iHE  next  morning  Eliph'  Hewlitt  purchased  the 
two-pound  box  of  candy  in  the  pictured  box  that  had 
long  been  considered  by  the  druggist  a  foolish  invest 
ments.  For  months  it  had  reposed  in  the  end  of  the 
toilet  soap  case  awaiting  a  purchaser,  and  had 
acquired  a  sweet  odor  of  scented  soap  mingled  with 
the  plainer  odor  of  cut  castile,  and  no  one  had  been 
so  extravagant  as  to  buy  it.  Once  the  druggist  had 
tried  to  persuade  the  candy  salesman  to  take  it  back 
in  exchange  for  more  salable  goods,  but  after  taking 
it  from  the  show-case  and  smelling  it  the  drummer 
refused.  At  the  opposite  end  of  the  case  the  druggist 
kept  his  plush  manicure  and  brush-and-comb  sets, 
with  a  few  lumps  of  camphor  scattered  among  them 
to  discourage  moths,  but  the  odor  of  camphor  did 
not  hurt  the  candy.  The  scented  soap  protected  it 
from  the  camphor.  When  Kilo  buys  scented  soap  she 
likes  to  have  it  really  scented. 

Miss  Sally,  when  the  small  boy  Eliph'  secured  as  a 
messenger  had  delivered  the  box  of  candy,  knew  well 
enough  what  it  meant.  The  neatly  written  card, 

190 


"SECOND:  A  SMALL  PRESENT"  191 
"  From  Yours  very  truly,  E.  Hewlitt,"  did  not  sug 
gest  much,  perhaps,  but  in  Kilo  friends  do  not  scatter 
two-pound  boxes  of  candy  recklessly  about.  To  re- 
receive  a  two-pound  box  on  Christmas  would  have 
been  a  suspicious  circumstance,  for  a  smaller  box 
would  have  done  quite  as  well  between  friends,  but  to 
send  a  two-pound  box  on  a  day  that  was  no  holiday 
at  all,  but  just  a  plain  day  of  the  week,  could  stand 
for  but  one  of  two  things — the  giver  was  insane,  or 
he  had  "  intentions,"  and  Miss  Sally  knew  very  well 
that  Eliph'  Hewlitt  was  not  insane.  Unless  on  the 
subject  of  Jarby's  Encyclopedia. 

She  carried  the  box  of  candy  to  Mrs.  Smith,  and 
showed  her  the  card. 

"  How  lovely !  "  cried  Mrs.  Smith,  an  exclamation 
which  might  have  meant  either  the  box  of  candy  or 
the  sentiment  that  inspired  the  sender,  and  then  added, 
"  How  odd !  It  smells  like  soap  !  " 

"  That's  a  sign  it's  good  candy,"  said  Miss  Sally. 
"  The  candy  Rudge  sells  always  smells  of  soap,  an' 
he  handles  only  the  best,  so  when  you  see  candy  that 
smells  that  way  you  know  it's  good.  This  is  Rudge's 
candy,  sure  enough,  for  I  know  this  box  by  heart. 
Rudge  has  had  it  in  his  show  case  ever  since  the  firm 
was  Crimmins  &  Rudge.  It  must  be  some  stale  by  this 
time,  but  the  box  is  pretty." 


192  KILO 

"  I  don't  suppose  Mr.  Hewlitt  knew  it  was  stale," 
said  Mrs.  Smith.  "  He  evidently  tried  to  get  the 
best  he  could." 

"  Yes,"  admitted  Miss  Sally.  "  He  wouldn't  know 
this  box  of  candy  so  well  as  we  town  folks  do,  him 
bein'  a  newcomer  here.  I  suppose  Rudge  gave  him 
a  discount  off  the  price  on  account  of  the  box  bein' 
soiled  a  little.  I  hope  to  goodness  that  man  wasn't  so 
foolish  as  to  go  an'  pay  straight  sixty  cents  a  pound 
for  it.  He  got  cheated  if  he  did,  an'  I'll  tell  him  so 
when  I  see  him  next."  She  slowly  untied  the  red  rib 
bon  that  bound  the  box,  and  rolled  it  neatly  around 
the  fingers  of  her  left  hand,  to  lay  away  for  future 
use.  "  Now,  what  do  you  suppose  that  man  sent  it 
to  me  for?  "  she  asked. 

Mrs.  Smith  smiled,  for  she  knew  Miss  Sally  was 
asking  the  question  merely  that  she  might  have  her 
own  belief  made  sure  by  the  words  of  another. 

"  Because  he's  in  love,  of  course,"  said  Mrs. 
Smith.  "  Because  he  is  desperately  in  love.  It  is  a 
romance,  my  dear." 

Miss  Sally  looked  doubtfully  toward  Susan,  who 
was  curled  up  on  the  old  sofa  in  the  corner  of  the 
room.  She  was  not  sure  that  such  matters  should  be 
discussed  before  one  so  young,  but  Susan  would  have 
refused  to  leave  the  room,  even  if  asked,  and  she  re- 


u  SECOND:  A  SMALL  PRESENT "  193 
sented  the  questioning  glance  that  Miss  Sally  had 
thrown  at  Mrs.  Smith. 

"  *  Courtship — How  to  Make  Love — How  to  Win 
the  Affections— How  To  Hold  Them  When  Won,'  " 
she  said  gayly,  "  '  First,  get  well  acquainted ;  second, 
make  small  presents,  such  as  flowers,  books  or  candy ; 
third,  ask  for  the  lady's  hand.'  You  needn't  look  at 
me  that  way,  Miss  Sally ;  I  know  all  about  it.  I  read 
it  in  Jarby's  Encyclopedia." 

"  Lands  sakes !  "  exclaimed  Miss  Sally.  "  And  me 
and  him  only  got  well  acquainted  last  night  at  the 
festival.  I  never  heard  of  such  a  thing !  " 

"  It's  love  at  first  sight,"  teased  Mrs.  Smith.  "  He 
will  probably  be  around  this  afternoon  to  propose, 
and  we  can  have  the  wedding  this  evening." 

"  Well,  he  needn't  come  this  afternoon,  if  he's  got 
it  in  his  mind  to  come,"  said  Miss  Sally  shortly,  "  for 
I  won't  be  at  home.  I  ain't  goin'  to  be  rushed  that 
way,  not  by  no  man.  I  don't  say  but  Mr.  Hewlitt  is 
a  clever  spoken  man,  Mrs.  Smith,  when  he  ain't  talkin' 
books,  but  I  ain't  in  the  habit  of  bein'  courted  like  I 
was  a  Seidlitz  powder,  and  had  to  be  drunk  down  be 
fore  I  stopped  fizzin'.  That  may  be  some  folks  way  of 
doin'  it,  but  it  ain't  mine." 

"  Nor  Colonel  Guthrie's,"  suggested  Mrs.  Smith. 

"  If  the  Colonel's  slow  it  ain't  his  fault,"  said  Miss 


194  KILO 

Sally.  "  He'd  be  quick  enough  if  I'd  let  him,  but  I 
can't  see  no  hurry,  one  way  or  another.  I  don't  say 
but  that  a  husband  is  a  good  thing  to  have,  mind  you ! 
I  guess  I'm  like  all  other  women  and  want  to  have  one 
some  time,  but  so  long  as  I've  got  pa  I'm  in  no  hurry. 
He's  as  much  trouble  as  a  husband  would  be,  and  as 
grumpy  when  things  don't  go  to  suit  him.  Sometimes 
I  feel  like  in  the  end  I'd  choose  to  marry  the  Colonel, 
since  it  wouldn't  be  so  much  of  a  change,  the  Colonel 
bein'  like  pa  in  some  ways,  such  as  bein'  economical; 
and  then  again  I  feel  like  I'd  prefer  Skinner,  just  be 
cause  he'd  be  a  change.  I'd  be  always  sure  of  gettin' 
good  meat,  for  one  thing,  and  I'd  insist  upon  it.  I 
can't  a-bear  tough  meat." 

"  Shoemakers'  children  go  without  shoes,"  sug 
gested  Mrs.  Smith. 

"  They  wouldn't  if  I  was  their  mother,  an'  I'll  tell 
Skinner  so,  if  I  choose  to  marry  him  an'  he  tries  to 
send  home  any  but  the  best  meat  he's  got  in  the  shop," 
said  Miss  Sally  firmly.  "  That's  one  man,  if  I  marry 
him,  I  won't  take  no  foolishness  from.  When  a  man 
is  castin'  his  eyes  my  way,  an'  then  has  to  have  a  city 
ordinance  made  to  compel  him  to  do  me  the  favor  of 
buyin'  four  fire-extinguishers  off  of  me,  that  ain't 
no  earthly  use  to  me,  I'll  let  him  know  I'm  going  to 
have  my  way  about  some  things  when  we're  married. 


"SECOND:   A    SMALL    PRESENT"     195 

I  know  well  enough  I  ain't  such  a  beauty  that  Skinner 
an'  the  Colonel  is  what  you  might  call  infatuated  with 
me,  and  I  don't  expect  'em  to  be.  Pa's  got  money,  and 
if  he  didn't  have  I  guess  the  Colonel  an'  Skinner 
wouldn't  bother  their  heads  about  me  much;  but  if 
they  like  me  for  pa's  money  now  I  guess  they'll  like 
me  for  it  just  as  well  after  they  marry  me,  for  I'll 
have  it  well  known  that  money  don't  go  out  of  my 
name.  And  I'll  let  this  book  agent  man  know  it  too. 
If  it's  pa's  money  he's  in  such  a  hurry  to  get,  he'll 
find  out  his  mistake." 

"  I  rather  like  the  book  agent,"  said  Mrs.  Smith. 
"  He  doesn't  seem  to  me  at  all  the  adventurer  type." 

"  His  whiskers  do  make  him  look  like  a  preacher," 
said  Miss  Sally,  "  if  that's  what  you  mean ;  but  if  he 
means  business  he  ought  to  know  I  ain't  the  kind  of 
bird  to  be  caught  with  boxes  of  candy.  Neither  Skin 
ner  nor  the  Colonel  is  so  silly  as  to  think  that." 

She  smoothed  her  apron  across  her  knees,  and 
looked  at  its  checked  pattern. 

"  Seems  to  me,"  she  said,  with  a  touch  of  regret, 
"  this  ain't  no  time  or  age  for  such  foolishness.  It 
ain't  as  if  I  was  a  girl  like  Susan  there.  Boxes  of 
candy  an'  Susan  would  match  up  like  pale  blue  an' 
white.  I  guess  the  safe  thing  is  to  make  choice  of 
one  that  ain't  a  stranger.  I've  done  business  with 


196  KILO 

Skinner  years  an'  years,  sellin'  him  calves  an'  buyin' 
meat  off  of  him ;  an'  as  for  the  Colonel,  I  guess  I  know 
all  his  bad  points  as  well  as  his  good  ones.  The  Colo 
nel  has  been  a  friend  of  pa's  a  long  time." 

So  it  happened  that  when  Eliph'  Hewlitt  called  at 
Miss  Sally's  that  afternoon  he  did  not  find  her  at 
home.  Mrs.  Smith  received  him  and  tried  to  make  up 
by  her  kindness  for  the  disappointment  Eliph'  evi 
dently  felt.  She  thanked  him  in  Miss  Sally's  name  for 
the  beautiful  box  of  candy — although  Miss  Sally  had 
left  no  such  word — and  drew  him  on  to  talk  of  Jarby 
&  Goss,  the  publishers  of  the  Encyclopedia,  and  of 
his  own  adventures.  The  longer  she  talked  with  the 
little  man  the  better  her  opinion  of  him  became,  and 
she  saw  that  he  was  gentle,  shrewd,  capable  and 
sincere — sincere  even  in  his  wildest  enthusiasm  for 
Jarby's  Encyclopedia  of  Knowledge  and  Compen 
dium  of  Literature,  Science  and  Art.  When  he  arose 
to  go  he  stood  a  moment  hesitatingly  with  his  hat  in 
his  hand.  He  coughed  apologetically. 

"  I  hope  Miss  Sally  liked  the  little  token  of  esteem ; 
the  box  of  candy ; "  he  said,  looking  up  into  Mrs. 
Smith's  face  anxiously.  "  It  isn't  as  if  I  was  used  to 
such  matters.  My  preference  would  have  been  a 
book ;  a  good  book ;  a  book  that  I  could  recommend  to 
man,  woman  or  child,  containing  in  a  condensed  form 


"SECOND:   A    SMALL    PRESENT"     197 

all  the  world's  knowledge,  from  the  time  of  Adam  to 
the  present  day,  with  an  index  for  ready  reference, 
and  useful  information  for  every  day  in  the  year. 
It  was  my  intention  to  have  given  her  such  a  book, 
which  would  have  been  a  proper  vehicle  to  convey  to 
her  my — my  regard,  but  I  learned  only  last  night  that 
she  already  had  a  copy  of  that  work,  without  which 
no  home  is  complete,  and  which  is  published  by  Jarby 
&  Goss,  New  York,  five  dollars,  bound  in  cloth ;  seven 
fifty,  morocco.  I  learned  that  she  already  had  one." 

"  She  told  you  I  had  given  her  my  copy?  "  asked 
Mrs.  Smith. 

"  Yes,"  said  Eliph'  simply.  "  So  I  could  not  present 
her  with  a  copy  of  that  work.  My  preference  was  to 
give  a  work  of  literature ;  I  am  a  worker  in  the  field  of 
literature,  and  it  would  have  been  more  appropriate. 
But  I  could  give  her  nothing  but  the  best  of  its  kind, 
and  where  find  another  such  book  as  Jarby's  Ency 
clopedia  of  Knowledge  and  Compendium  of  Litera 
ture,  Science  and  Art?  Nowhere!  There  is  no  other. 
This  book,  combining  in  one  volume  selections  from 
the  world's  best  literature,  recipes  for  the  home,  ad 
vice  for  every  period  of  existence,  together  with  one 
thousand  and  one  other  subjects,  forms  in  itself  a 
volume  unequaled  in  the  history  of  literature.  No 
person  should  be  without  it." 


198  KILO 

"  I  know,  Mr.  Hewlitt,"  pleaded  Mrs.  Smith,  smil 
ing,  "  but  I  have  already  bought  two  copies.  Don't 
you  think  you  ought  to  let  me  off  with  that?  " 

"  I  was  not  trying  to  sell  you  one,"  said  Eliph', 

with  embarrassment.  "  I  hoped "  He  paused  and 

coughed  behind  his  hand  again.  "  You  know  my  in 
tention  in  sending  a  present  to  Miss  Briggs,"  he 
said  bravely.  "  I  admire  her  greatly.  I — to  me  she  is, 
in  fact,  a  Jarby's  Encyclopedia  of  Knowledge  and 
Compendium  of  Literature,  Science  and  Art  among 
women." 

"  Dear  Mr.  Hewlitt,"  said  Mrs.  Smith,  taking  his 
hand,  "  I  understand.  And  I  wish  you  all  the  good 
fortune  in  the  world.  I  shall  do  all  I  can  to  help  you." 

"  Thank  you,"  said  Eliph',  shaking  her  hand  as  if 
she  was  an  old  acquaintance  he  had  met  after  long 
years  of  separation.  "  So  you  understand  that  I  can 
feel  the  same  to  no  other  woman.  Not  even  to — to 
anyone."  He  wiped  his  forehead  with  his  disengaged 
hand.  "  So  I  feel  that  you  will  not  misunderstand  me 
if  I  ask  you  to  accept  a  copy  of  Jarby's  Encyclo 
pedia  of  Knowledge  and  Compendium  of  Literature, 
Science  and  Art,  bound  in  morocco,  seven  fifty.  I 
mean  gratis.  No  home  should  be  without  one." 

"  Why,  it  is  very  kind  of  you  to  suggest  such  a 
thing,"  said  Mrs.  Smith,  "  and  I'm  sure  I'll  be  glad  to 
own  a  copy." 


"SECOND:   A    SMALL    PRESENT"     199 

"  I'm  glad  to  have  you,"  said  Eliph'.  "  I  wanted  to 
give  you  one,  but  I  didn't  want  you  to  think  I  meant 
it  in  the  way  I  meant  what  I  sent  to  Miss  Sally.  I 
was  afraid  you  might,  or  that  Miss  Sally  might.  But 
I  don't  mean  it  that  way." 

"  I  know  you  don't,"  said  Mrs.  Smith  heartily. 
"  And  if  Miss  Sally  is  jealous  I  will  tell  her  she  is 
quite  mistaken.  But  if  you  will  let  a  woman  that  has 
had  a  little  experience  advise  you,  do  not  be  too 
hasty.  Do  not  try  to  hurry  matters  too  much.  It 
would  spoil  everything  if  you  pressed  for  an  answer 
too  soon  and  received  an  unfavorable  one.  And  I'm 
afraid  it  would  be  an  unfavorable  one  if  you  put  it 
to  a  test  now." 

Eliph's  countenance  fell.  It  said  plainly  enough 
that  he  understood  her  to  mean  that  the  Colonel  and 
Skinner  were  more  apt  to  be  favorably  received. 

"  I'm  afraid  so,"  said  Mrs.  Smith  regretfully. 
"You  know  they  are  older  acquaintances,  and  Miss 
Sally  is  not  one  of  those  who  think  new  friends  are 
best." 

"  I  was  coming  again  to-night,"  said  Eliph'.  "  Per 
haps  I  had  better  not  say  anything  to-night.  Per 
haps  I  had  better  wait  until  to-morrow." 

"  Wait  until  next  month,  or  next  year,"  advised 
Mrs.  Smith.  "  There  is  no  hurry.  Something  may 
turn  up." 


CHAPTER  XIV 
SOMETHING   TURNS    UP 

SOMETHING  turned  up  the  very  next  day.  It 
turned  all  Kilo  upside  down  as  nothing  had  for  years, 
and  created  such  a  demand  for  the  Times  that  J.  T. 
Jones  had  to  print  an  extra  edition  of  sixty  copies, 
and  he  would  have  printed  ten  more  if  his  press  had 
not  broken  down. 

Across  two  columns — the  Times  never  used  over 
one  column  headlines  except  after  elections — blazed 
the  word  "GRAFT,"  and  beneath,  in  but  a  size 
or  two  smaller,  stared  the  "  sub-head  "  "  OFFICIAL 
OF  KILO  CORRUPTED.  CITIZENS'  PARTY 
ROTTEN  TO  THE  CORE.  PROMINENT 
CITIZEN  IMPLICATED."  Beneath  this  followed 
the  moral  of  it,  "  The  City,  as  Predicted  in  These 
Columns,  Suffers  for  Departing  from  The  Beneficent 
Rule  of  the  Republican  Party." 

Attorney  Toole  was  sitting  in  his  office  when  the 
boy  from  the  Times  delivered  the  paper  to  him. 
He  smiled  as  he  opened  the  damp  sheet,  for  he  ex 
tracted  more  amusement  than  news  from  the  little, 

200 


SOMETHING     TURNS     UP         201 

paper,  but  as  he  turned  it  the  headlines  caught  his 
eye,  and  instantly  he  was  deep  in  the  columns.  Some 
one  had  sprung  his  mine  before  he  had  intended — it 
had  exploded  prematurely  and  with,  what  seemed  to 
him,  as  he  read  on,  a  futile  insipidity. 

There  were  full  two  columns  of  it.  There  were 
hints  and  inuendoes,  too  well  veiled,  but  no  names 
mentioned.  The  specific  act  of  graft  was  not 
brought  to  the  surface.  It  was  as  if  the  writer 
had  made  a  "  spread  "  of  some  vaguely  uncertain 
rumor,  and  yet  there  was  no  doubt  that  Colonel 
Guthrie  and  Mayor  Stitz  and  the  fire-extinguishers 
were  meant.  The  attorney  could  see  that,  and 
he  had  an  idea  that  the  writer  had  meant  to  tell 
more  than  he  really  did  tell.  The  veiled  allusions  were 
so  thoroughly  veiled  in  words  that  they  were  buried 
as  if  under  mountains  of  veils.  Each  slight  hint  was 
swamped  in  morasses  of  quotations  and  fine  flourishes, 
overgrown  and  hidden  by  tropical  verbiage,  and 
covered  up  by  philosophical  and  political  phrases 
until  nothing  of  the  hint  could  be  seen.  As  he  read 
on  the  attorney  could  see  Doc  Weaver  talking,  as 
plainly  as  if  he  stood  before  him;  he  could  see  him 
at  his  desk  in  a  frenzy  of  composition,  and  he 
recognized  the  apt  quotations  from  Shakespeare  that 
were  Doc's  specialty.  Doc  Weaver  had  written  it. 


202  KILO 

The  attorney  laid  the  paper  down  and  studied  the 
matter.  How  could  Doc  have  learned  of  the  affair? 
Skinner,  angry  as  he  had  been  at  having  to  buy  the 
four  fire-extinguishers,  would  never  have  dared  to 
wreck  the  party  he  had  helped  to  create.  The  Colonel 
would  have  been  no  such  fool.  Stitz?  He  would 
hardly  accuse  himself.  Who  then? 

One  passage  set  the  attorney  thinking  again  as 
he  re-read  the  article.  "  *  Things  are  seldom  what 
them  seem,'  as  the  poet  says,  which  is  as  true  as  that 
*  Honesty  is  the  best  policy.'  And  as  Shakespeare 
says,  *  To  what  base  ends,'  for  all  this  disreputable 
graft  centers  around  certain  brilliant  obj  ects  that  are 
not  what  the  guilty  bribers  and  bribees  suppose  them 
to  be.  While  we  shudder  with  horror  at  the  temerity 
of  the  sinners  we  shake  with  laughter  as  we  think  of 
their  faces  as  they  will  be  when  they  realize  that  they 
are  the  mortals  to  whom  the  immortal  bard  refers  when 
he  enunciates  the  truth,  '  What  fools  these  mortals 
be!'" 

"  Certain  brilliant  objects  "  could  mean  nothing 
but  the  lung-testers.  Eliph'  Hewlitt  had  that  secret, 
and  Eliph'  Hewlitt  boarded  with  Doc  Weaver.  The 
attorney  felt  a  sudden  rush  of  anger.  It  was  to  this 
intermeddling  book  agent,  then,  that  he  owed  the 
premature  explosion  of  the  mine  that  was  to  have 
blown  the  Citizens'  Party  to  fragments,  and  to  have 


SOMETHING     TURNS     UP         203 

landed  the  fragments  in  the  basket  held  ready  by 
Attorney  Toole? 

The  distribution  of  that  week's  Times  acted 
like  a  tonic  on  the  town  streets.  New  life  followed  in 
the  wake  of  the  boy  as  he  carried  the  paper  from 
door  to  door.  It  began  at  the  corner  of  Main  and 
Cross  Streets,  and  as  the  boy  proceeded,  the  mer 
chants,  the  loafers,  and  the  customers  came  from  the 
stores  and  gathered  in  knots  that  formed  quickly  and 
dissolved  again  as  the  parts  passed  from  one  group  to 
another,  questioning,  arguing  and  guessing.  The 
attorney  looked  out  of  his  window.  Across  the  street 
he  could  see  the  office  of  the  Times,  and  T.  J.  al 
ready  besieged  by  questioners,  to  whom  he  was  evi 
dently  giving  a  kind  but  decided  refusal  of  further 
information.  The  editor  was  waving  them  away  with 
his  hands.  Some  of  the  editor's  visitors  handed  T.  J. 
money,  and  carried  away  copies  of  the  Times,  but 
all  went,  gently  urged  by  the  editor,  and  joined  one 
or  another  of  the  groups  below.  The  attorney  drew 
on  his  coat.  He  would  postpone  his  interview  with 
Eliph'  Hewlitt ;  Thomas  Jefferson  Jones  was  the  man 
he  wanted  to  see  at  that  moment. 

It  was  difficult  for  the  attorney  to  retain  his  enig 
matical  smile  as  he  climbed  the  stairs  to  the  Times 
office.  He  was  angry,  but  he  knew  the  value  of  that 
irritating  smile  that  hinted  superiority  and  a  knowl- 


204  KILO 

edge  of  hidden  details.  He  needed  it  in  his  talk  with 
the  editor. 

It  is  odd  how  common  interests  will  bring  men 
together.  And  sometimes  how  common  interests  will 
not.  The  attorney  and  the  editor  had  been  as  one 
man  in  polite  attentions  to  Susan  Bell,  Mrs.  Smith's 
protegee,  at  first,  but  as  their  acquaintance  with  her 
grew  they  seemed  to  like  each  other  less.  They  no 
longer  consulted  each  other  on  the  best  methods  of 
bringing  Republican  rule  back  to  Kilo.  They  did  not 
consult  together  at  all.  The  attorney  coldly  ignored 
the  editor,  and  his  irritation,  beginning  in  this  rivalry, 
was  increased  by  the  growing  suspicion  that  the 
editor  dared  look  toward  the  leadership  of  the  Re 
publican  party  in  Kilo. 

It  all  angered  the  attorney.  What  right  had  a 
country  editor  to  compete  with  a  man  of  talent,  with 
a  member  of  the  bar,  with  Attorney  Toole?  Was  this 
the  thanks  a  rising  lawyer  should  receive  for  leaving 
the  superior  culture  of  Franklin  and  bringing  his 
talents  to  add  luster  to  the  bleak  unimportance  of 
Kilo?  The  very  impertinence  of  It  angered  him. 
Toole,  a  man  whose  name  would  one  day  ring  in  the 
halls  of  Congress  and  perhaps  stand  at  the  head  of  the 
nation's  officers  as  chief  executive,  to  be  bothered  by 
the  interference  of  a  Jones  !  By  the  interference  of  a 


SOMETHING     TURNS     UP         205 

man  who  spent  his  time  collecting  news  of  measles 
and  hog  cholera !  It  was  about  time  T.  J.  Jones  was 
told  a  few  things. 

As  Toole  entered  the  printing  office  T.  J.  was  hand 
ing  a  copy  of  the  Times  to  a  customer,  and  the  editor 
turned,  and,  seeing  who  his  visitor  was,  held  up 
his  hand  playfully. 

"  No  use !  "  he  exclaimed.  "  I  can't  say  anything 
about  it,  except  what's  in  the  paper.  Contributed 
article,  and  the  editor  sworn  to  silence,  you  know." 

The  attorney  seated  himself  on  the  editor's  desk, 
pushing  a  pile  of  papers  out  of  his  way. 

"  That's  all  right,  Jones,"  he  said.  "  That's  for 
the  " — he  waved  his  hand  toward  the  window — "  for 
the  fellow  citizens;  for  the  populace.  This  is  be 
tween  ourselves." 

"  I'd  like  to,"  said  Jones,  "  but  really,  I  can't  say 
anything  about  it.  I  promised  faithfully  I  would  not 
betray  my  contributor's  confidence." 

"  Now,  do  I  look  so  green  as  that?"  asked  Toole. 
"  Nonsense !  Doc  Weaver  wrote  that  rot."  He  smiled. 
"He  spread  himself,  didn't  he?" 

The  editor  remained  motionless. 

"  I  have  nothing  whatever  to  say,"  he  remarked, 
noncommittally. 

"Well,   I  have!"   cried   the  attorney.  "I'll   tell 


206  KILO 

you  that  it  is  poor  work  for  you  to  steal  my  thunder 
and  attempt  to  use  it  without  consulting  me!  It  is 
poor  work,  and  mean  work.  You  want  to  be  boss  of 
this  party  in  Kilo  county,  that's  what  you  want.  And 
you  haven't  the  capacity.  You  have  proved  it  right 
here,  right  here  in  this  silly  sheet  of  yours.  You  hit 
on  a  big  thing,  and  you  spoil  it.  You  are  so  anxious 
that  Toole  shall  get  no  credit  that  you  rush  it  into 
print  and  make  a  fizzle  of  it.  I  know  who  the  traitors 
to  the  party  are — you  are  one.  Doc  Weaver  with  his 
elegant  style  and  his  Shakespeare  is  another.  And 
that  miserable  intermeddling  little  book  agent  is 
another.  You  make  me  sick." 

The  editor  stood  like  a  statue,  and  his  face  was  as 
white.  The  attorney  dropped  his  words  slowly  from 
lips  that  still  wore  the  tantalizing  smile. 

"  The  childishness  amuses  me,"  said  the  attorney. 
"  It  makes  me  smile.  Why  didn't  you  give  names, 
since  you  had  them?  Why  didn't  you  tell  it  all,  and 
do  the  party  some  good,  as  well  as  doing  me  some 
harm,  if  that  was  what  you  were  after — and  I  don't 
know  what  you  were  after  if  it  wasn't  that?  Why 
don't  you  get  a  schoolboy  to  edit  your  paper  for 
you?  " 

T.  J.  ground  his  nails  into  the  palms  of  his  hands. 
He  meant  to  retain  possession  of  his  temper,  but  it 


SOMETHING  TURNS  UP  207 
was  boiling  within.  He  said  nothing  as  the  attorney 
indolently  arose  from  his  seat  on  the  desk;  he  was 
resolved  to  do  nothing,  but  when  the  attorney  brushed 
against  him  in  passing,  turning  his  superior  smile 
full  in  his  face,  he  raised  his  arm.  The  next  moment 
the  two  men  were  lying  beside  the  press,  struggling 
and  gasping,  locked  fast  and  fighting  for  advantage, 
legs  interwined  and  each  grasping  the  other  by  a 
wrist.  The  editor  was  on  top,  but  the  heavier  attor 
ney  was  working  with  the  energy  of  hate,  and  as 
they  panted  and  struggled  the  door  opened  and 
Eliph'  Hewlitt  entered. 

There  was  strength  in  his  wiry  arms,  and  he  threw 
himself  upon  the  upper  man  and  dragged  him  back 
ward.  The  attorney  loosened  his  hold  and  the  two  men 
stood  up,  panting  and  gulping,  and  soon  began  to 
brush  their  clothes  and  look  at  the  floor  for  dropped 
articles,  as  men  do  who  have  fought  inconclusively 
and  are  not  sorry  to  have  been  parted.  The  only 
real  damage  seemed  to  have  been  done  to  Eliph's 
spectacles,  which  he  had  shaken  off  in  his  efforts,  and 
which  had  been  crushed  beneath  a  heel.  The  attorney 
presently  smiled,  but  it  was  a  silly  smile,  and  then 
he  went  out  of  the  door  and  down  to  the  street. 

Eliph'  coughed  gently  behind  his  hand,  as  if  to 
excuse  his  intrusion. 


208  KILO 

"  Quarreling?  "  he  suggested.  "  I  used  to  wrestle 
some  when  I  was  a  boy.  But  not  much.  I  hadn't  then 
the  rules,  given  on  page  554  of  Jarby's  Encyclo 
pedia  of  Knowledge  and  Compendium  of  Literature, 
Science  and  Art,  including  '  How  to  Wrestle,  How  to 
Defend  Oneself  Against  Sudden  Attack,  Jui  Jitsu,' 
et  cetery,  with  wood  cuts  showing  the  best  holds 
and  how  to  get  them.  All  this  being  but  one  of  one 
thousand  and  one  subjects  treated  of  in  this  work, 
the  price  of  which  is  but  five  dollars,  neatly  bound  in 
cloth." 

The  editor  had  turned  his  back  and  was  staring 
angrily  out  of  the  window — sulkily  tremulous  would 
be  a  better  description,  perhaps — when  he  suddenly 
cried  out.  Eliph'  searched  hurriedly  in  his  pockets  for 
another  pair  of  spectacles,  found  them  and  put  them 
on,  and  looked  where  the  editor  pointed.  Across  the 
street  the  attorney,  backed  up  against  the  wall  of 
the  bank,  was  defending  his  face  with  one  arm,  and 
with  his  right  hand  seeking  to  grasp  a  whip  that  was 
raining  blows  upon  his  face  and  head.  Someone 
grasped  the  whip  from  behind  and  wrenched  it  from 
the  hand  of  the  attorney's  assailant,  and  as  the  man 
turned  angrily,  the  two  in  the  window  saw  that  it 
was  Colonel  Guthrie. 

They  heard  him  cursing  those  who  had  taken  the 


SOMETHING     TURNS     UP         209 

whip  from  him,  ending  by  loudly  justifying  himself 
for  what  he  had  done  to  the  attorney,  and  saw  the 
attorney  step  forward  to  quell  the  Colonel's  hot 
words.  The  Colonel  put  up  both  his  hands  and 
shouted,  and  some  from  the  crowd,  grasping  the 
attorney  about  the  waist  and  arms,  as  if  they  feared 
he  was  about  to  attack  the  older  man,  hurried  him 
away,  speaking  soothing  words  to  him. 

The  Colonel  rioted  on.  Nothing  could  have  stopped 
him.  He  pulled  a  copy  of  the  Times  from  his 
pocket  and  slapped  it  with  his  hand  as  he  abused  the 
attorney  for  having  given  T.  J.  Jones  the  facts  of  the 
article. 

He  let  it  be  plainly  known,  In  his  anger,  that 
the  article  called  him  a  giver  of  graft.  The  crowd 
stood  silent,  as  crowds  stand  about  some  drunken 
man,  for  the  Colonel  was  drunk  with  wrath,  and 
wordy  with  it,  talking  to  himself  as  drunken  men  do. 
He  finished,  and  the  crowd  opened  a  passage  through 
itself  to  let  him  pass,  and  Skinner,  who,  in  apron  and 
bare  arms,  had  viewed  his  rival's  wrath  from  a  safe 
place  on  the  edge  of  the  group,  backed  away.  The 
Colonel,  mumbling,  caught  -ight  of  him,  and  with  one 
swift  motion  of  the  arm  grasped  him  by  the  shirt 
band. 

"You!"  he  shouted,  pulling  the  shirt  band  until 


210  KILO 

Skinner  grew  purple  in  the  face.  "  You !  You  done 
it !  Why  couldn't  you  buy  them  fire-extinguishers  like 
a  man?  You  made  me  buy  up  that  Dutchman.  I 
wouldn't  V  had  to  do  it  but  for  you." 

He  gave  the  choking  butcher  an  extra  shake,  and 
raised  his  hand  to  strike  him,  but  again  the  crowd 
interfered,  and  seized  the  Colonel,  and  hurried  him 
away. 

The  butcher  stood  stupidly  and  rubbed  his  neck, 
waiting  for  the  wits  that  had  been  choked  out  of 
him  to  return,  and  far  down  the  street  Mayor  Stitz, 
hearing  a  noise,  came  out  on  his  front  platform  and 
looked  up  the  street.  It  appeared  to  him  that  some 
thing  was  going  on,  and  sticking  his  awl  in  the  door 
of  his  car,  he  walked  blandly  up  the  streeet  to  where 
the  remnant  of  the  crowd  formed  a  half  circle  around 
the  butcher.  He  crowded  through,  saying,  "  Look 
oud,  the  mayor  is  coming.  Stand  one  side  yet  for 
the  mayor ! " 

The  butcher  looked  and  saw  before  him  the  round, 
innocent  face  of  the  mayor,  topped  by  the  mayor's 
round  bald  head.  He  raised  his  large,  fat  hand,  and 
in  vent  for  all  his  injure  1  feelings  brought  it  down, 
smack !  on  the  smooth  bald  spot. 

"  Ouw-etch !  "  said  the  mayor. 

He  was  surprised.  He  backed  away  and  rubbed 


SOMETHING     TURNS     UP         211 

the  top  of  his  head,  and  what  he  said  next  was  a 
rapid  string  of  real,  genuine  German ;  exclamations, 
compound  tenses,  and  irregular  verbs  and  all  that 
makes  German  a  useful,  forceful  language.  As  long 
as  he  rubbed  his  head — with  a  rotary  motion — he 
spoke  German;  then  he  stopped  rubbing  and  spoke 
English. 

"  So  is  it  you  treat  your  mayor ! "  he  exclaimed 
indignantly.  "  Such  a  town  is  Kilo,  to  give  mayors 
a  klop  on  the  head !  Donnerblitzenvetter !  Not  so  is  it 
in  Germany."  He  turned  to  the  crowd.  "  A  klop  on 
the  head !  It  is  not  for  klops  on  the  head  I  am  mayor. 
No.  I  resign  out  of  this  mayor  business.  Go  get 
another  mayor,  such  as  likes  klops  on  the  head.  I  am 
no  mayor.  I  am  resigned." 

He  turned  and  walked  slowly  back  to  his  car, 
pulled  the  awl  out  of  the  door,  and  went  inside. 

The  editor  moved  away  from  the  window.  He 
seated  himself  at  his  desk  and  leaned  his  head  on  his 
arms  and  thought. 

"Headache?"  asked  Eliph'. 

"  No,"  said  the  editor,  lifting  his  head.  "  I'm  try 
ing  to  think  this  thing  out.  Guthrie  is  in  it,  and 
Skinner  must  be  in  it,  and  Stitz.  And  that  fellow 
across  the  way  said  you  knew  something  about  it, 
and  he  said  Doc  Weaver  wrote  the  article.  No,"  he 


212  KILO 

added  hastily,  as  Eliph'  offered  to  speak,  "  let  me 
think  it  out  myself." 

He  leaned  his  head  on  his  hand,  and  gazed  at  the 
attorney's  office.  He  drew  the  week's  copy  of  the 
Times  toward  him  and  read  over  the  article  that  had 
caused  all  the  trouble. 

"  It  might  be  that  fire-extinguisher  ordinance," 
he  said  slowly.  "  Stitz  pushed  that  through.  And 
Skinner  had  to  buy  them.  And — they  were  owned 
by  Miss  Briggs  and  the  Colonel  negotiated  the  sale." 
He  jumped  up  and  turned  over  the  file  of  back  num 
bers  of  the  Times.  He  found  the  announcement  he 
had  made  of  the  arrival  of  Eliph',  and  the  report 
of  the  meeting  of  the  city  council  that  had  passed 
the  fire-extinguisher  ordinance.  Eliph'  had  been  in 
town  before  the  ordinance  was  passed.  Eliph'  boarded 
now  with  Doc  Weaver.  Again  he  read  the  article  in 
the  Times,  seeking  for  the  meanings  that  Doc  knew 
so  well  how  to  hide.  He  paused  at  the  "  Things  are 
seldom  what  they  seem  "  line,  and  considered  it.  Sud 
denly  he  arose  and  put  on  his  hat. 

"  Wait  here,"  he  said,  "  I'll  be  back." 

When  he  returned  he  was  smiling.  He  had  visited 
Skinner's  Opera  House  and  had  examined  the  fire- 
extinguishers  where  they  sat,  each  on  its  bracket. 

"  Hewlitt,"  he  said,  "  when  you  told  Doc  about  the 


SOMETHING     TURNS     UP 

fire-extinguishers  did  you  tell  him  they  were  lung- 
testers?  " 

The  little  book  agent  stared  at  the  editor. 

"  I  never  told,"  he  exclaimed.  "  I  have  never  said 
a  word  to  Doc  Weaver,  nor  to  anyone  about  them. 
Not  a  word.  I  have  kept  it  as  sacred  as  the  secret  of 
the  Man  in  the  Iron  Mask,  a  full  account  of  whom, 
together  with  a  wood  cut,  is  given  on  page  231,  to 
gether  with  '  All  the  World's  Famous  Mysteries,' 
this  being  but  one  feature  of  Jarby's " 

"  All  right,"  said  the  editor.  "  And  you  never  told 
him  about  the  graft?  " 

The  blank  amazement  on  the  book  agent's  face  was 
sufficient  answer. 

"  I've  got  to  go  out,"  said  the  editor.  "  I've  got 
some  reporting  to  do.  You'll  excuse  me.  I  want  to 
see  Stitz.  And  Skinner.  And  Guthrie.  I  wish  Doc 
hadn't  gone  to  his  State  Medical  Society  meeting  to 
day." 

Eliph'  went  out  with  the  editor,  who  locked  the  door 
behind  him. 

"  Don't  say  anything,"  said  the  editor,  "  but  I 
think  there  will  be  an  extra  edition  of  the  Times  out 
to-morrow." 


CHAPTER   XV 
DIFFICULTIES 

ELIPH'  had  said  nothing  to  Doc  Weaver  about  the 
affair  of  the  fire-extinguishers,  he  had  known  nothing 
of  the  graft  matter,  and  yet  it  could  not  be  supposed 
that  Doc  Weaver  could  be  a  confidant  of  the  attor 
ney's.  The  editor  was  puzzled,  but  he  was  sure  he 
was  right  in  the  main,  and  he  was  nearer  learning  the 
truth  than  he  supposed,  as  he  hurried  down  the  street 
to  the  mayor's  car-cobbler  shop. 

He  opened  the  door  and  stepped  inside,  but  the 
mayor  did  not  look  up  with  his  usual  smile;  he  was 
sulking,  and  from  time  to  time  he  rubbed  his  head 
where  the  butcher  had  struck  him. 

"How  do,  Stitz,"  said  the  editor.  "How's  the 
mayor  ?  " 

The  cobbler  pulled  his  waxed  threads  angrily 
through  a  tough  bit  of  leather,  and  did  not  look  up, 

"  I  am  no  more  a  mayor,"  he  said  crossly.  "  I  am 
out  of  that  mayor  job.  I  give  him  up.  I  haf  been 
insulted." 

"  I  saw  it,"  the  editor  assured  him.  "  He  gave  you 
214 


DIFFICULTIES  215 

a  good  whack.  Sounded  like  a  wet  plank  falling  on  a 
marble  slab.  Mad  about  that  fire-extinguisher  busi 
ness,  wasn't  he?  " 

"  And  why?  "  asked  the  mayor,  looking  up  for  the 
first  time.  "  He  has  a  right  to  obey  those  ordinances 
and  not  get  mad." 

"  Oh,  but  he  don't  like  the  way  folks  will  laugh  at 
him  when  they  learn  the  joke  you  have  played  on  him. 
That  was  a  good  one." 

"Joke?"  queried  the  mayor,  growing  brighter. 
"  Did  I  play  him  one  j  oke  ?  " 

"  You  know,"  said  T.  J.  "  Making  him  buy  those 
lung-testers  of  Miss  Briggs'  when  he  thought  they 
were  fire-extinguishers.  I  should  say  it  was  a  joke! " 

"  Sit  down,"  said  the  mayor ;  "  don't  hang  on  those 
straps  when  seats  is  enough  and  plenty.  Sit  down.  So 
I  joked  him,  yes?  " 

"Rather,"  said  the  editor,  "and  Guthrie,  too, 
making  him  pay  that  graft." 

"  Sure !  "  grinned  the  cobbler.  "  I  got  goot  grafts. 
[Apples,  and  potatoes,  and  celery,  and  peas,  and 
chickens !  Five  grafts  for  one  such  little  ordinances. 
Grafts  is  a  good  business,  but  now  is  all  over.  I  quit 
me  that  boss-grafter  job.  I  like  me  not  such  klop- 
pings  on  the  head.  Next  comes  such  riots,  and  revo- 
lutionings.  I  quit  first."  He  sewed  steadily  for  a 


216  KILO 

while  and  then  prepared  another  thread,  waxing  it, 
and  twisting  the  bristle  on  either  end. 

"  That  fire-extinguishable  joke,"  he  said,  as  he  ran 
the  ball  of  wax  up  and  down  the  thread ;  "  that  was  a 
good  one,  yes  ?  On  Skinner.  That  makes  me  a  revenge 
on  Skinner  for  such  a  klop  on  the  head,  yes?  " 

He  adjusted  the  shoe  on  his  knee,  and  began  to 
sew  again. 

"  Yes,"  he  said,  "  I  am  glad  I  make  that  joke  on 
Skinner.  What  was  it?  " 

"  Come  now ! "  said  T.  J.  "  Don't  pretend  such 
innocence,  Stitz.  Don't  try  to  fool  me.  You  knew 
all  the  time  that  those  fire-extinguishers  were  nothing 
but  lung-testers."  The  mayor  looked  puzzled,  and 
properly,  for  he  had  never  heard  of  lung-testers.  "  To 
test  lungs,"  explained  the  editor.  "  To  show  how 
many  pounds  a  man  can  blow;  how  much  wind  his 
lungs  will  hold;  a  sort  of  a  game,  like  pitching 
horseshoes.  They  are  not  worth  anything  to  Skin 
ner.  He  paid  his  money  for  them  for  nothing.  He 
will  have  to  buy  four  genuine  fire-extinguishers  now. 
That  was  what  made  him  mad  at  you." 

When  the  editor  left  Stitz's  car  he  had  learned 
all  the  mayor  could  tell  him,  including  the  undoubted 
fact  that  the  mayor  considered  graft  a  quite  legiti 
mate  operation,  and  this  particular  case  a  good  joke 


DIFFICULTIES 

on  Skinner  and  Colonel  Guthrie,  and  that  the  mayor 
himself,  thinking  the  joke  too  good  to  keep,  had  told 
Doc  Weaver.  The  editor  easily  guessed  that  Doc  had 
investigated  the  rest  of  the  affair,  and  had  seen  the 
fire-extinguishers  and  known  them  to  be  not  what 
they  seemed.  He  hurried  back  to  his  office  to  set  in 
type  what  he  had  learned. 

But  others  were  abroad,  too.  Attorney  Toole, 
watching  the  editor,  had  seen  him  enter  the  cobbler- 
car  and  leave  it  again,  and  he  easily  guessed  the  ob 
ject  of  the  editor's  visit.  He,  too,  went  to  see  Stitz, 
and  had  a  long  and  confidential  talk  with  him,  first 
frightening  him  until  he  was  in  a  collapse,  and  then 
offering  him  immunity  and  safety,  and  at  length  leav 
ing  him  in  a  perspiration  of  g  utitude.  He  held  up 
to  him  a  vision  of  the  penitentiary  as  the  reward  of 
grafting,  and  when  the  mayor  was  sufficiently  wilted, 
rebraced  him  by  promising  to  defend  him,  whatever 
happened,  and  finally  restored  him  to  complacency 
by  showing  him  that  the  transaction  was  not  graft 
at  all.  When  he  parted  from  the  mayor,  that  official 
was,  as  opposition  papers  put  it,  "  a  creature  of 
the  attorney's." 

The  attorney  found  Skinner  in  his  butcher-shop 
surrounded  by  a  group  of  friends,  to  whom  he  was 
relating  a  story  of  how  he  had  been  attacked  by  the 


218  KILO 

Colonel,  and  what  would  have  happened  to  the  Col 
onel  if  intervention  had  not  come  just  when  it  did. 
Toole  entered  briskly  and  pushed  his  way  through 
the  group  to  where  the  butcher  stood. 

"  Skinner,"  he  said,  "  I  want  half  a  dozen  words 
with  you,  at  once,"  and  his  manner  was  enough  to 
silence  the  butcher.  Skinner  led  the  way  to  the  back 
room  where  the  sausage  machine  made  its  home,  and 
Toole  carefully  closed  the  door. 

"  Now,"  he  said,  taking  the  butcher  by  the  shirt 
sleeve,  "  you  have  had  a  taste  of  what  comes  of  tak 
ing  the  political  lead  away  from  the  party  to  which 
it  rightly  belongs.  You  have  had  an  experience  of 
what  happens  when  people  who  know  nothing  about 
politics  meddle  wit?  ^hings  that  the  natural  political 
leaders  should  be  left  to  handle.  You  have  been 
choked,  and  you  have  been  cheated,  and  you  deserve 
to  be  kicked.  You  pay  money  to  this  editor  here  in 
town,  for  an  advertisement  that  you  know  does  you  no 
good,  and  in  return  he  prints  an  article  to  make  you 
laughed  at.  You  form  a  combination  with  Guthrie 
to  put  in  outsiders  instead  of  good  party  men,  and 
Guthrie  uses  his  pull  to  have  an  ordinance  passed  to 
make  you  spend  money  for  fire-extinguishers.  You 
elect  a  mayor,  by  your  influence  as  a  leading  citizen, 
and  he  takes  a  bribe  from  Guthrie,  and  passes  an 


DIFFICULTIES  219 

ordinance  to  rob  you.  And  you,  like  a  fool,  let  them 
do  it.  And  you  let  Guthrie,  that  he  may  stand  in 
solidly  with  the  very  woman  you  have  your  eye  on, 
sell  you — what?  Fire-extinguishers?  Not  much!  Not 
fire-extinguishers  at  all,  but  useless,  no-account 
lung-testers !  Lung-testers,  that  he  makes  you  pay 
one  hundred  dollars  for,  and  that  you  will  have  t® 
throw  away.  That  is  what  they  are,  lung-testers, 
and  you  can  pocket  a  loss  of  one  hundred  dollars,  and 
buy  four  real  fire-extinguishers  now,  as  the  ordinance 
tells  you,  and  makes  you ! " 

The  butcher's  mouth  opened  and  his  eyes  stared. 
He  felt  weakly  behind  him  for  the  edge  of  the  table, 
pawing  uncertainly  in  the  air. 

"  That's  all  I  have  to  say  to  you?  said  the  attor 
ney.  "  If  you  like  that  kind  of  thing,  you  are  wel 
come.  If  you  are  willing  to  be  cheated  it  is  nothing 
to  me.  I  don't  say  T.  J.  Jones  set  them  up  to  doing 
all  this,  just  to  throw  down  your  Citizens'  Party,  but 
you  can  see  in  the  Times  who  printed  the  whole 
thing.  If  you  like  to  have  that  kind  of  man  run  your 
only  public  journal  it  is  no  business  of  mine,  but  look 
out  for  the  next  Times!  " 

The  butcher  had  found  the  edge  of  the  table  and 
was  leaning  back  against  it.  The  attorney  paused 
with  his  hand  on  the  door. 


220  KILO 

"You  ought  to  be  able  to  make  the  Colonel  pay 
you  back  that  hundred  dollars,"  he  said.  "  It  looks 
as  if  he  had  obtained  money  under  false  pretenses 
and  given  a  bribe.  But  if  you  don't  care,  I  don't," 
and  he  went  out. 

Outside  of  the  butcher  shop  the  attorney  stopped 
and  looked  up  and  down  the  street,  smiling.  He  felt 
that  he  had  done  well,  so  far,  setting  both  the  mayor 
and  Skinner  against  the  editor,  making  a  tool  of  the 
mayor,  and  inflaming  the  butcher  against  the  Col 
onel.  He  would  have  liked  to  go  to  the  Colonel  and 
set  him  against  the  editor  and  Skinner,  but  he  neither 
dared  nor  felt  it  really  necessary.  If  Skinner  at 
tempted  to  make  the  Colonel  take  back  the  lung- 
testers  the  ill  feeling  between  the  two  would  be  suf 
ficiently  emphasized,  and  no  doubt  the  Colonel  had 
sufficient  reasons,  in  the  publication  of  the  article, 
to  hate  the  editor. 

Horsewhipped!  His  face  reddened  as  he  thought 
of  it,  but  he  was  too  politic  to  consider  a  revenge  of 
fists,  which  would  not  lessen  the  insult  of  the  whip 
ping  he  had  received,  but  would  only  add  the  stigma 
of  attacking  an  older  man.  That  he  had  led  the 
Colonel  into  the  affair,  putting  him  up  to  it,  did  not 
strike  him  as  being  any  excuse  for  the  Colonel.  He 
felt  that  he  had  done  only  what  he  was  entitled  to 


DIFFICULTIES  221 

do  in  the  pursuit  of  political  leadership.  He  would 
revenge  himself  on  the  Colonel  later.  A  suit  for  dam 
ages  for  assault,  timed  to  precede  the  next  election, 
would  be  both  revenge  and  politics.  He  could,  at  the 
moment,  think  of  nothing  else  to  do  to  undermine 
his  opponents,  and  he  had  turned  toward  his  office 
when  a  fresh  idea  occurred  to  him.  Should  Miss  Sally 
take  back  the  lung-testers,  where  then  would  his  case 
stand?  Guthrie  would  return  the  hundred  dollars  to 
Skinner.  Skinner  was  fool  enough  to  be  satisfied  with 
that,  and  Kilo,  like  many  other  towns,  not  wishing  to 
besmirch  herself,  would  hush  up  the  whole  affair. 
Miss  Sally  must  not  take  back  the  lung-testers. 

The  attorney  swung  around  and  walked  briskly 
toward  Miss  Sally's  home,  tossing  tumultuously  in 
his  mind  the  events  of  the  day,  his  plans  and  what  he 
would  say  to  Miss  Sally.  As  he  turned  in  at  the  gate 
he  saw  Mrs.  Smith  and  Susan  sitting  on  the  porch, 
and  he  took  off  his  hat,  and  walked  smilingly  up  to 
them. 

"  Miss  Sally  in  ?  "  he  asked,  after  the  customary 
greetings.  "  I  would  like  to  speak  to  her  if  she  is." 

"  She's  in,"  said  Mrs.  Smith,  "  but  she  is  engaged 
at  present.  Won't  you  have  a  seat  and  wait  ?  " 

Toole  passed  rapidly  through  his  mind  all  those 
who  might  have  business  with  Miss  Sally  this  morn- 


222  K  I  L  O 

ing — the  Colonel,  Skinner,  the  editor.  It  could  not 
be  Skinner,  for  he  had  just  left  him,  nor  the  editor, 
for  he  knew  he  was  still  in  his  office  where  he  had  seen 
him  last.  Probably  it  was  the  Colonel.  He  took  the 
proffered  seat. 

"  I  suppose  you  saw  the  Times"  he  said,  "  and 
that  tremendous  article.  It  amused  me  considerably. 
Splendid  specimen  of  local  journalism.  Our  friend 
T.  J.  is  to  be  congratulated,  isn't  he?  He  has  made 
quite  a  stir." 

"  The  Colonel  was  here  with  a  paper,"  said  Mrs. 
Smith.  "  He  was  furiously  angry.  I  couldn't  under 
stand  what  it  was  all  about,  except  that  it  was  con 
nected  with  those  fire-extinguishers  Miss  Sally  had." 

"  It  was  about  the  meanest  piece  of  business  I 
have  ever  run  across,"  said  the  attorney,  speaking 
more  to  Susan  than  to  Mrs.  Smith.  "  It  was  the  most 
vindictive  thing  I  ever  heard  of.  Do  you  know  any 
reason  why  that  editor  should  want  to  annoy  Miss 
Briggs?" 

"  Mr.  Jones  annoy  Miss  Sally?  "  said  Susan,  with 
surprise.  "  I  can't  imagine  why  he  should." 

"  That's  what  puzzles  me,"  said  Toole.  "  There 
doesn't  seem  to  be  any  reason  whatever,  except  that 
he  is  showing  his  ill-will.  It  looks  like  a  conspiracy 
to  throw  those  fire-extinguishers  back  on  Miss  Sally's 


DIFFICULTIES  223 

hands.  Probably  he  has  taken  an  agency  for  fire- 
extinguishers,  or  has  made  a  deal  to  take  some  in  pay 
ment  for  advertising  space  in  his  paper,  and  wants 
to  sell  them  to  Skinner.  I  understand  there  is  some 
cock-and-bull  story  he  has  got  up  about  these  fire- 
extinguishers  being  out-of-date,  or  useless,  or  some 
thing  of  that  kind,  and  that  he  means  to  make  a  big 
stir  about  the  council  having  been  bribed  to  force 
them  on  Skinner.  I  suppose  Jones  will  get  something 
out  of  it,  someway.  I  understand  he  means  to  keep 
the  thing  alive  in  his  paper,  and  throw  ridicule  on 
all  concerned,  until  he  forces  things  his  way.  Proba 
bly  he  has  some  political  object,  too.  But  I  think 
it  is  too  bad  that  he  should  drag  Miss  Sally  into  it. 
I  don't  mind  his  trying  to  throw  mud  on  me.  I  can 
see  his  reason  for  that." 

He  looked  at  Susan  and  smiled. 

"I  don't  understand,"  said  Mrs.  Smith,  "I  couldn't 
see  that  he  said  anything  about  you  this  morning." 

"  Not  this  morning,"  said  the  attorney.  "  There 
will  be  more  to  follow.  Wait  until  you  see  the  next 
issue  of  the  representative  of  a  free  and  untrammeled 
press.  He  will  serve  up  all  his  friends  there.  I  saw 
him  darting  around  like  a  hawk-eyed  reporter  this 
morning.  I  went  up  to  plead  with  him  to  drop  the 
whole  thing,  this  morning,  but  he  as  much  as  told  me 


224  KILO 

to  mind  my  own  business.  The  poor  old  Colonel  was 
so  angry  he  came  at  me  with  a  whip — I  don't  know 
why — but  I  did  not  take  the  advantage  my  strength 
gave  me.  I  can  forgive  a  man  who  is  anger  blinded. 
All  I  want  to  do  now  is  to  prevent  that  editor  fellow 
making  any  more  trouble  for  my  friends,  if  I  can.  I 
don't  want  Miss  Sally  to  take  back  those  fire-extin 
guishers,  and  I  don't  want  her  to  be  blackmailed  into 
buying  them  back.  I  want  to  put  her  on  her  guard 
against  T.  J.  Jones." 

"  That  is  very  kind  of  you,"  said  Mrs.  Smith. 

"  She  is  a  friend  of  yours,  and  of  Miss  Susan's," 
said  the  attorney.  "  That  would  be  reason  enough 
for  my  doing  it." 

The  door  opened  and  Eliph'  Hewlitt  came  out  of 
the  house,  and  Toole,  who  had  jumped  up,  in  order 
to  be  on  the  defensive  had  it  been  the  Colonel,  assumed 
an  air  of  indifference.  The  book  agent  hesitated  un 
certainly,  glanced  toward  Mrs.  Smith,  felt  under 
his  left  arm  where  his  sample  copy  usually  reposed, 
and,  not  finding  it,  put  on  his  hat  and  walked  toward 
the  gate.  Mrs.  Smith  sprang  from  her  chair  and  ran 
after  him.  She  caught  him  at  the  gate  and  laid  her 
hand  on  his  arm.  He  turned  to  face  her,  and  she 
saw  that  there  were  tears  in  his  usually  clear  eyes. 


DIFFICULTIES  225 

He  had  put  the  question  to  Miss  Sally,  and  the  an 
swer  had  been  unfavorable. 

The  interview  had  been  short  and  conducted  with 
the  utmost  propriety,  as  advised  by  "  Courtship — 
How  to  Win  the  Affections,"  and  Miss  Sally  had  been 
kind  but  firm.  The  article  in  the  Times  had,  far 
from  turning  her  against  the  Colonel,  shown  her  what 
the  Colonel  had  risked  for  her  sake,  and  she  had  de 
cided  in  his  favor,  although  he  had  not  yet  appeared 
to  claim  an  answer  to  the  question  he  had  never  asked, 
but  had  been  hinting  for  years. 


CHAPTER   XVI 
TWO    LOVERS,    AND    A    THIRD 

iHE  attorney,  when  Eliph'  walked  down  the  path 
to  the  gate,  entered  the  house,  and  found  Miss  Sally 
still  sitting  in  the  dark  parlor  where  she  had  had  the 
painful  interview  with  Eliph'  Hewlitt.  She  still  held 
her  handkerchief  to  her  eyes,  for  she  had  been  weep 
ing,  and  the  attorney  was  not  sorry  to  see  this  evi 
dence  of  the  stress  of  her  interview  with  the  book 
agent.  Certain  that  Eliph'  had  told  Doc  Weaver  of 
the  lung-testers,  he  was  no  less  certain  that  the  book 
agent  had  been  telling  Miss  Sally  that  the  nickel- 
plated  affairs  would  be  thrown  back  on  her  hands, 
and  he  hastened  to  urge  resistance. 

"  Miss  Briggs,"  he  said,  "  I  came  right  in,  because 
I  knew  what  that  book  agent  was  here  to  say  to  you, 
and  I  wanted  to  warn  you  against  him.  I  know  what 
he  asked,  and  I  hope  you  refused  him." 

Miss  Sally  gasped. 

"  I  believe,"  continued  the  attorney,  taking  a  seat, 
"  that  you  refused,  because  you  know  which  side  your 
bread  is  buttered  on.  I  believe  that  before  the  day  is 


TWO  LOVERS,  AND  A  THIRD  227 

over  Colonel  Guthrie  will  come  with  the  same  ques 
tion,  and  I  want  you  to  give  him  the  same  answer. 
And  if  Skinner  should  come  on  his  knees,  I  want  you 
to  send  him  away  with  the  same  answer,  too.  They 
will  all  have  arguments  enough,  but  don't  be  fooled. 
The  money  is  all  they  want." 

Miss  Sally  gasped  again.    She  was  astounded. 

"  I  could  see,"  said  the  attorney,  confidentially, 
"  that  you  gave  the  book  agent  a  pretty  sharp  an 
swer,  and  that  was  right.  He  had  no  business  to  put 
himself  forward  at  all,  and  I  don't  suppose  you  can 
guess  why  he  did." 

"  He  said  he  liked  me,"  said  Miss  Sally  weakly, 
ashamed  to  mention  the  word  openly.  The  attorney 
laughed. 

"  My  opinion  is  that  it  is  a  conspiracy,"  he  said. 
"  That  is  just  the  word,  a  conspiracy,  and  T.  J.  Jones 
is  at  the  head  of  it.  The  book  agent  has  come  first ; 
now  the  Colonel  will  come ;  and  then  Skinner,  all 
asking  the  same  thing,  but  my  idea  is  that  they  are 
all  in  partnership,  and  that  Jones  is  engineering  the 
whole  thing.  They  wanL  your  money,  and  that  is  all 
they  do  want,  and  once  they  get  it  they  will  be  happy 
and  you  will  be  left  with  four  lung-testers  on  your 
hands." 

Even  in  Kilo  slang  comes  and  goes  as  in  the  rest  of 


228  KILO 

the  world,  and  Miss  Sally  was  not  sure  about  the 
word  "  lung-tester."  It  had  a  slangy  sound,  and  it 
must  be  a  term  of  reproach  applied  to  the  future 
value  of  the  four  men  Toole  had  mentioned.  She 
accepted  it  as  such. 

"  All  I  have  to  say,"  continued  the  attorney,  "  is 
lo  refuse  the  Colonel,  and  to  refuse  Skinner  if  he 
comes,  just  as  you  have  refused  this  book  agent. 
Stick  up  for  your  rights.  If  they  want  to  sue  you, 
let  them  sue.  You  have  the  money  now,  and  it  is  better 
to  have  that  than  a  lot  of  good-for-nothing  lung- 
testers.  Once  you  get  them  on  your  hands  you'll  never 
get  rid  of  them." 

He  arose  and  took  up  his  hat. 

"  That  is  all  I  have  to  say,"  he  said,  "  but  I  wanted 
to  let  you  know  what  you  ought  to  do.  Don't  mind 
if  there  is  a  lot  of  stuff  published  in  the  Times. 
You  have  to  expect  that,  and  Jones  will  probably 
drag  your  name  into  it,  in  connection  with  the  Col 
onel  and  Skinner,  but  you  are  perfectly  innocent  and 
they  can  do  nothing  to  you." 

He  went  out,  and  Miss  Sally  remained  in  a  daze, 
looking  at  the  door  by  which  he  had  gone.  She  was 
still  looking  at  it  helplessly  when  Mrs.  Tarbro-Smith 
came  in  with  a  swish  of  skirts  and  put  her  arm  gently 
about  her. 


TWO  LOVERS,  AND  A  THIRD  229 

"  Do  you  think  you  did  what  your  heart  told  you 
to  do,  dear?  "  asked  the  lady  from  New  York,  kissing 
Miss  Sally  on  the  brow.  "  He  was  so  downcast.  I 
really  pitied  him,  poor  man." 

Miss  Sally  threw  her  arms  around  Mrs.  Smith's 
waist  and  hid  her  face  in  the  lacy  softness  of  her 
gown,  and  wept.  The  authoress  smoothed  the  brown 
hair  and  waited  patiently  for  the  tears  to  cease. 

"  Did  you  see  Mr.  Toole?  "  she  asked  brightly,  to 
ease  Miss  Sally's  weeping  and  to  turn  her  thought 
to  other  things.  "  He  wanted  to  see  you  about  those 
fire-extinguishers.  But  I  don't  trust  him.  I  think  he 
has  some  plan  or  other  that  is  selfish.  I  think  he  had 
been  drinking." 

Miss  Sally's  tears  ceased,  and  she  sat  up,  straight 
and  severe. 

"  Fire-extinguishers  ?  "  she  asked  quickly. 

"Yes,"  said  Mrs.  Smith;  "he  seemed  to  think 
Skinner  or  the  Colonel  or  someone  would  want  you 
to  take  them  back.  And  return  the  money,  I  sup 
pose." 

"The  money?"  echoed  Miss  Sally  slowly.  She 
blushed  as  she  saw  that  she  had  misunderstood  the 
attorney,  thinking  he  had  dared  to  advise  in  her  love 
matters,  and  then  she  frowned.  "The  money?"  she 
repeated.  "  But  I  gave  that  money  to  pa.  Pa  won't 


230  KILO 

ever  give  me  that  money  back,  never!   I  don't  know 

where  on  earth  I'd  ever  get  sixty  dollars." 

As  she  spoke  she  heard  someone  on  the  walk,  and 
then  the  heavy  feet  of  the  Colonel  climbing  the  porch 
steps.  She  heard  him  ask  Susan  if  Miss  Sally  was 
inside,  and  heard  the  girl  answer  that  she  was,  and 
she  held  Mrs.  Smith's  hand  the  tighter. 

"  Come  in,"  she  called,  to  the  knock  on  the  door, 
and  the  Colonel  stumped  into  the  room.  He  was  hot 
and  angry,  so  angry  that  he  did  not  stop  to  offer  his 
usual  curt  greetings. 

"  Look  here,"  he  said,  by  way  of  introduction, 
"  you  an'  your  fire-extinguishers  has  got  me  into  a 
purty  fix,  Sally  Briggs — a  blame  purty  fix — an'  I 
want  to  know  do  you  intend  to  git  me  out  or 
not?  I  don't  want  no  foolishness.  Skinner  is  after 
me  an'  I've  got  to  pay  him  back  them  sixty  dollars, 
or  somebody '11  go  to  jail  for  it.  You  ought  to  have 
knowed  them  wasn't  nothin'  but  lung-testers,  afore 
you  set  me  up  to  sellin'  'em  to  Skinner,  an'  not  let 
me  go  an'  make  a  'tarnal  fool  out  of  myself.  But 
that  ain't  the  thing  now;  the  thing  is,  will  you  pay 
back  them  sixty  dollars?  I  guess  you'd  better  do  it, 
an'  do  it  quick.  Skinner  '11  have  the  law  on  ye  if  ye 
don't." 

Miss  Sally  drew  back  toward  Mrs.  Smith  as  he 
scowled  at  her. 


TWO    LOVERS,    AND     A    THIRD     231! 

"  Now,  you  git  them  sixty  dollars  an'  hand  'em 
over  to  me,  that's  what  you'd  better  do,"  said  the 
Colonel.  "  I  want  to  git  shut  of  this  business.  I  was 
a  fool  fer  meddlin'  in  a  woman's  affairs  in  the  fust 
place.  I  don't  want  to  have  no  more  hand  in  it.  You 
git  me  that  money,  an'  let  me  fix  it  up  with  Skinner. 
He's  mad,  an'  he  won't  stand  no  f  oolin'.  It  was  all  I 
could  do  to  keep  him  from  comin'  in  an'  makin'  a 
row  right  here  in  the  house.  He's  waitin'  at  the  gate 
till  he  sees  if  I  git  the  money,  an'  if  I  don't " 

"But  I  haven't  got  sixty  dollars,"  Miss  Sally 
gasped.  "  I  gave  that  money  to  pa.  I  don't  know 
whether  I  can  get  sixty  dollars  out  of  pa." 

She  was  so  helpless  that  Mrs.  Smith's  blood  boiled 
at  the  rude  brutality  of  the  Colonel,  and  she  stepped 
forward  and  faced  him. 

"What  is  all  this  about?"  she  asked.  "What  is 
the  matter  with  those  fire-extinguishers?  Why  do 
you  come  bothering  Miss  Sally  this  way  ?  Why  don't 
you  settle  it  with  Mr.  Skinner  yourself?  " 

"  The  matter  is,  them  ain't  fire-extinguishers  at 
all,"  said  the  Colonel  rudely,  "  an'  wasn't,  an'  never 
was.  Them  things  is  lung-testers,  an'  Sally  was 
cheatin'  Skinner  when  she  sold  'em  to  him.  An'  the 
reason  I'm  botherin'  her  is  that  she  got  the  money  fer 
'em,  an'  she's  got  to  find  it  somehow  an'  pay  it  back. 
An'  as  for  me  settlin'  with  Skinner,  I  ain't  got 


232  KILO 

nothin'  to  do  with  it.  I  wasn't  nothin'  but  Sally's 
agent.  I  done  her  a  favor,  an'  that's  all,  an'  I'm  sorry 
I  ever  meddled  in  it." 

"  But  there  certainly  can't  be  such  haste  needed," 
said  Mrs.  Smith.  "  Miss  Sally  is  not  going  to  run 
away.  Mr.  Skinner  is  not  going  to  fail  for  want  of 
sixty  dollars,  is  he?  You  can  wait  until  to-morrow, 
or  to-night,  when  Miss  Sally  can  see  her  father." 

"No,  I  can't,"  said  the  Colonel  doggedly.  "I 
can't  wait  at  all.  By  to-morrow  mornin'  that  news 
paper  feller  will  have  another  paper  printed  up,  an'  I 
hear  tell  he's  goin'  to  give  us  all  plain  names,  an'  I 
ain't  goin'  to  wait.  I  want  to  git  this  thing  fixed  up 
right  now.  If  Sally  ain't  got  sixty  dollars,  let  her 
go  borry  it.  I  got  to  pay  Skinner  right  now,  an'  I 
want  Sally  to  pay  me.  I  want  to  git  shut  of  this." 

"  I  don't  believe  Mr.  Skinner  is  in  any  such  hurry 
as  you  pretend ! "  exclaimed  Mrs.  Smith.  "  I  don't 
believe  he  is  so  ungenerous.  I  believe  he  is  more  chiv 
alrous.  I  believe  he  will  have  some  manliness,  if  you 
have  not." 

She  started  for  the  door,  but  the  Colonel  grasped 
her  by  the  arm. 

"  Hold  on,  here ! "  he  said,  but  Mrs.  Tarbro-Smith 
merely  raised  her  eyebrows  and  looked,  first  at  his 
hand  on  her  arm,  and  then  at  his  face,  and  his  hand 


TWO    LOVERS,    AND     A    THIRD 

fell.  He  stood  irresolute  and  uncomfortable  as  she 
went  to  the  door  and  called  to  Mr.  Skinner.  The 
butcher  walked  up  to  the  door,  clearing  his  throat  as 
he  came.  Mrs.  Smith  held  the  screen  door  wide  for 
him  to  enter,  and  he  walked  into  the  parlor,  holding 
his  hat  in  his  hands,  and  stood  uneasily. 

"  The  Colonel,"  said  Mrs.  Smith  pleasantly,  "  has 
told  us  you  wish  Miss  Sally  to  return  the  money  you 
paid  for  what  she  supposed  were  fire-extinguishers." 

"  They  was  nothin'  but  lung-testers,"  said  the 
butcher. 

"  So  it  seems,"  said  Mrs.  Smith,  "  and  it  is  odd 
that  a  man  of  business  like  yourself  should  not  know 
it  in  the  first  place.  But  of  course  Miss  Sally  did  not 
know  what  they  were.  Who  told  you  they  were  fire- 
extinguishers,  Sally?" 

"  The  Colonel,"  said  Miss  Sally,  and  the  Colonel 
moved  his  feet  uneasily. 

"  Indeed ! "  exclaimed  Mrs.  Smith,  giving  the 
Colonel  another  of  her  paralyzing  glances.  "  But 
Miss  Sally  will  do  whatever  is  right.  She  hasn't  the 
money  at  this  moment.  You  can  wait  until  to-morrow 
for  the  sixty  dollars,  can  you  not,  until  she  can  see 
her  father?" 

The  butcher  grew  red  in  the  face,  redder  than  his 
naturally  high  coloring,  but  he  shook  his  head. 


KILO 

"  I  want  it  now,"  he  said.  "  Business  is  business." 
And  after  a  moment  he  added,  "  It  wasn't  sixty,  it 
was  one  hundred.  Four  at  twenty-five,  that's  one  hun 
dred.  One  hundred  dollars,  that  was  what  I  handed 
Guthrie.  I  paid  one  hundred  and  I  want  one  hundred 
back." 

Miss  Sally  and  Mrs.  Smith  looked  at  the  Colonel. 

"  I  had  a  right  to  make  a  commission,"  he  blus 
tered.  "  I  ain't  no  sich  fool  as  to  do  business  fer 
other  folks  an'  loose  time  by  it.  I  took  out  a  com 
mission,  an'  I  had  a  right  to,  an'  I  don't  want  to  hear 
DO  more  about  it.  A  commission's  fair." 

"  You  didn't  say  anything  about  it,"  said  poor 
Miss  Sally.  "  Mrs.  Smith  was  just  surprised  to  learn 
of  it." 

"Surprised,  my  dear?"  said  Mrs.  Smith.  "No, 
indeed.  Nothing  that  man  would  do  could  quite  sur 
prise  me.  But  forty  per  cent,  commission !  Miss  Sally 
hasn't  sixty  dollars  in  the  house,"  she  added,  turning 
to  the  butcher.  "  You  know  very  well  people  here 
don't  have  so  much  in  the  house  at  one  time.  If 
I  had  it  I  would  gladly  lend  it  to  her,  but  I  don't 
happen  to  have  so  much  with  me  to-day.  You  can 
wait  until  Mr.  Briggs  gets  back  from  Clarence,  or 
you  can  do  what  you  please." 

"  I  want  the  money,"  said  Skinner  doggedly. 


TWO    LOVERS,    AND     A    THIRD    235 

"Very  well,"  said  Mrs.  Smith.  "Collect  forty 
from  the  Colonel.  That  will  keep  you  from  starving 
until  to-morrow.  And  now  will  you  both  kindly  leave 
the  house  ?  " 

"  Now,  look  here,  Mrs.  Smith,  ma'm,"  said  the 
butcher.  "  You  ain't  got  any  right  to  talk  that  way 
to  me.  Money  matters  is  money  matters,  and  a  man 
has  a  right  to  look  after  his  own  the  best  way  he 
can.  I  was  cheated  out  of  one  hundred  dollars  by 
this  man  and  Miss  Sally,  as  easy  as  you  please,  and 
there's  bribery  in  it,  and  land  knows  what.  But  I  ain't 
mean.  All  I  want  is  my  money  back,  and  I  want  it 
now.  I  hear  T.  J.  Jones  is  going  to  get  out  an  extry 
to-morrow  morning  all  about  this,  and  all  I  want  is 
to  do  what  is  right.  Hand  me  back  my  hundred  dol 
lars,  and  I'll  go  to  T.  J.  and  explain  that  Miss  Sally 
did  what  was  right,  and  tell  him  to  leave  her  out  of 
what  he  writes,  but  if  I  don't  get  the  money  I  won't 
say  a  word  to  him.  He  can  guess  all  he  wants  about 
Miss  Sally  and  the  Colonel  being  in  cahoots  with  this 
bribe  business.  All  I  want  is  my  money." 

"  But  I  say  you  shall  have  it  in  the  morning." 

"  Well,  I  don't  count  much  on  what  you'll  get  out 
of  Pap  Briggs.  You  might  get  ten  cents,  if  he  was 
feeling  liberal,  but  he  don't  usually  feel  that  way. 
What  I  want  is  one  hundred  dollars  right  now.  I 


236  KILO 

don't  need  no  lung-testers,  and  I've  been  cheated,  and 
I  won't  wait.  If  Miss  Sally  ain't  going  to  pay  me, 
I'll  see  what  the  law  says  about  it." 

"  Mr.  Skinner,"  said  Mrs.  Smith,  "  in  considera 
tion  that  Miss  Sally  is  a  lady  and  that  you  are  a 
gentleman,  will  you  not  wait  until  to-morrow?  " 

"  Business  is  business,"  he  said  flatly.  "  When  I'm 
sellin'  meat  I  ain't  a  gentleman,  I'm  a  butcher;  and 
when  Miss  Briggs  was  sellin'  lung-testers  she  wasn't 
a  lady,  she  was  in  business.  Business  is  one  thing  an' 
bein'  pleasant  is  another.  I've  got  to  look  after  my 
money  or  I  soon  won't  have  any." 

When  the  two  men  went  out  Mrs.  Smith  could  hear 
them  begin  to  wrangle  even  before  they  quitted  the 
yard,  but  she  was  more  interested  in  what  might  hap 
pen  to  Miss  Sally  through  the  vindictiveness  of  the 
butcher.  She  was  surprised  to  hear  that  T.  J.  Jones 
had  even  thought  of  such  a  thing  as  bringing  Miss 
Sally's  name  into  the  matter  as  a  conspirator,  and 
she  did  not  know  enough  about  the  Iowa  laws  to  know 
whether  the  butcher  could  take  any  summary  action 
or  not.  The  most  satisfactory  way  to  straighten 
things  out  would  be  to  pay  the  butcher,  but  it  must 
be  done  at  once.  She  pleaded  with  Miss  Sally  to  re 
member  someone  of  whom  she  could  borrow  sixty  dol 
lars,  but  Miss  Sally  confessed  that  she  knew  no  one 


TWO     LOVERS,    AND     A     THIRD     237 

who  would  be  apt  to  lend  so  much.  She  even  expressed 
her  doubt  that  her  father  would  ever  release  the  money 
she  had  given  him.  The  two  women  sat  in  the  dark 
ened  parlor.  Miss  Sally  weeping  softly  and  Mrs.  Smith 
thinking  hard.  The  authoress  was  ashamed  that  she 
could  devise  no  way  to  aid  her  friend,  and  there 
they  sat,  exchanging  a  brief  word  from  time  to  time, 
and  the  gloom  deepening  every  minute.  Presently, 
when  the  atmosphere  was  so  charged  with  sadness 
that  it  was  almost  too  thick  to  breathe,  Mrs.  Smith 
called  to  Susan,  and  the  girl  came  in. 

"  Sue,"  said  Mrs.  Smith,  "  will  you  run  down  to 
the  Times  office  and  see  Mr.  Jones?  And — let  me 
see — and  tell  him  I  very  much  want  to  see  him  before 
he  begins  to  print  his  extra.  You  won't  mind,  will 
you?" 

"  Oh,  no,"  said  Susan  cheerfully,  and  she  went, 
a  fairy  in  filmy  white,  while  the  two  women  relapsed 
into  gloom  again. 

So  softly  did  the  next  comer  mount  the  porch 
stairs  that  the  two  women  did  not  hear  him  until  a 
gentle  tap  on  the  door  frame,  followed  by  an  apolo 
getic  cough,  announced  the  return  of  Eliph'  Hewlitt. 


CHAPTER  XVII 
ACCORDING    TO    JARBY'S 

WHEN  Eliph'  Hewlitt,  sad  at  heart,  departed  from 
his  disastrous  interview  with  Miss  Sally,  he  felt,  for 
the  first  time  in  his  life,  a  doubt  as  to  the  infallability 
of  Jarby's  Encyclopedia  of  Knowledge  and  Com 
pendium  of  Literature,  Science  and  Art.  Here  was 
a  book  he  had  praised,  sold  and  believed,  and  it  had 
failed  him.  Here  was  a  book  that  was  proclaimed,  in 
the  "  Advice  to  Agents,"  to  be  so  simply  written  and 
so  easy  of  understanding  that  a  child  could  follow  its 
directions  as  well  as  a  man,  and  it  had  only  led  him 
to  defeat.  He  had  courted  according  to  "  Court 
ship  " ;  he  had  tried  to  win  the  affections  according 
to  "  How  to  Win  "  them,  and  instead  of  the  "  Yes  " 
that  Jarby's  book  led  him  to  believe  he  would  receive, 
he  had  been  given  a  "  No."  This,  then,  was  the  book 
whose  success  he  had  made  his  life  work !  Caesar,  when 
he  saw  Brutus  draw  his  dagger,  was  wounded  no  more 
in  spirit  than  Eliph'  Hewlitt  was  now. 

The  world  seemed  to  slip  from  beneath  his  feet ;  his 
firmest  foundation  seemed  to  have  crumbled  away ;  his 

238 


ACCORDING    TO    JARBY'S       239 

best  friend  seemed  to  have  turned  false.  As  he  walked 
toward  Doc  Weaver's  house  he  decided  what  he  would 
do :  he  would  go  to  his  room  and  tear  his  sample  copy 
of  Jarby's  Encyclopedia  of  Knowledge  and  Com 
pendium  of  Literature,  Science  and  Art  to  scraps 
and  throw  them  out  upon  the  wind;  he  would  write 
to  Jarby  &  Goss  and  resign  his  commission ;  he  would 
have  Irontail  hitched  to  his  buggy  and  leave  Kilo 
at  once  and  forever,  and  from  some  other  town  he 
would  write  to  G.  P.  Hicks  &  Co.,  and  solicit  the 
agency  for  Hicks'  Facts  for  the  Million,  a  book 
he  had  heretofore  hated  and  despised.  All  this  he 
resolved  to  do,  and  yet  here  he  was  again  at  Miss 
Sally's  door,  and  the  sample  copy  of  Jarby's  En 
cyclopedia  of  Knowledge  and  Compendium  of  Litera 
ture,  Science  and  Art  was  under  his  arm ! 

Mrs.  Tarbro-Smith,  when  she  saw  Eliph'  Hewlitt  at 
the  door,  uttered  a  little  cry  of  j  oy  and  darted  toward 
him.  She  put  her  finger  to  her  lips  and  slipped  out 
of  the  door  and  drew  him  to  the  seat  that  had  once 
been  a  church  pew,  but  was  now  doing  duty  as  a 
garden-seat  under  an  apple  tree  in  the  side  yard.  On 
Eliph's  face  was  no  longer  the  care-worn  expression 
of  the  rejected  lover,  but  the  full  glow  of  confidence, 
radiating  from  between  his  side-whiskers. 

Mrs.  Smith  bent  confidentially  toward  him,  and  laid 


B40  KILO 

one  hand  on  the  copy  of  Jarby's,  which  he  had  placed 
across  his  knees.  In  quick,  crowding  words  she  bade 
him  hope — which  wasn't  necessary — and  told  him  of 
the  coming  of  Guthrie  and  Skinner,  and  of  their  de 
mands.  She  laid  before  him  all  she  knew  of  the  affair 
of  the  fire-extinguishers,  of  the  horror  of  the  threat 
ened  legal  attack  on  Miss  Sally,  and  the  disgrace  that 
would  overwhelm  her  should  T.  J.  Jones  publish  an 
article  mentioning  her  name.  Eliph'  Hewlitt  must 
prevent  the  publication  of  the  article;  he  must  save 
Miss  Sally. 

The  book  agent  was  willing.  As  the  appeal  was 
spoken  his  eyes  brightened  and  the  book  agent  in 
stinct — the  instinct  that  knows  no  defeat,  but  will 
talk  a  book  into  any  man's  library,  or  die  in  the  at 
tempt — flowed  full  and  free  through  his  soul.  Mrs. 
Smith  saw  him  take  fire,  and  she  ventured  the  question 
she  had  been  leading  up  to. 

"  Now,  Mr.  Hewlitt,"  she  said,  "  I  have  sent  for 
Mr.  Jones,  and  I  will  do  what  I  can  to  persuade  him 
not  to  publish  the  article.  I  depend  on  you  to  do  what 
you  can  in  that,  too,  but  I  am  going  to  trespass  on 
your  good  nature  in  another  thing  also.  It  is  some 
thing  I  know  Miss  Sally  would  never  allow  me  to  ask, 
and  I  myself  would  not  ask  it  but  that  I  happen  to 
be  waiting  for  a  check  from  my  publisher,  and  am 


ACCORDING    TO    JARBY'S 

quite  out  of  funds  at  the  moment.  I  am  going  to  ask 
you  to  lend  me  sixty  dollars !  Not  for  myself,  but  to 
me.  I  believe  Miss  Sally  would  be  willing  to  borrow 
it  of  me,  and  I  know,  dear  Mr.  Hewlitt,  you  will  be 
willing  to  lend  it  to  me." 

Eliph'  coughed  softly  behind  his  hand. 

"  Gladly !  "  he  said.  "  Gladly  or,  i  amount.  I  have 
quite  a  little  money  laid  away,  quite  a  little;  some 
thousands,  in  fact ;  I  might  be  called  a  wealthy  man — 
in  Kilo.  And  it  would  be  a  pleasure,  a  real  pleasure, 
to  spend  all  for  Miss  Sally.  She  is  a  fine  woman,  Mrs. 
Smith.  I  admire  her." 

"  I  knew  I  could  depend  on  yow"  said  Mrs.  Smith, 
putting  her  white  hand  on  his  scarcely  less  white  one. 

"  But  I  can  appreciate  Miss  Sally's — ah — maidenly 
dislike,  in  fact,  her  quite  proper  dislike  of  a  loan  from 

— ah — one  who  aspires In  fact,"  he  said,  boldly 

breaking  away  from  all  attempt  to  speak  bookishly, 
"  from  me.  She  don't  want  to  borrow  from  me,  and 
it  would  be  the  same  thing  if  you  borrowed  for  her 
from  me.  The  same  thing.  I  am  courting  Miss  Sally, 
and  such  a  loan  would  be  irregular.  There  is  nothing, 
Mrs.  Smith,  in  the  chapter  on  *  Courtship — How  to 
Win  the  Affections,'  et  cetery,  about  loaning  money 
to  the  lady.  It  would  derange  the  directions  given  in 
this  book,  which  is " 


242  KILO 

"  I  don't  want  to  hear  about  the  book,"  said  Mrs. 
Smith  with  annoyance.  "  I  know  all  about  the  book. 
So  you  refuse  to  lend  me  sixty  dollars?  You,  like 
these  other  men,  are  willing  to  desert  Miss  Sally  at  a 
time  like  this?" 

"  No,"  said  the  book  agent.  "  Not  desert.  Rescue. 
Rescue  her  from  the  hands  of  these — these  men. 
Jarby's  Encyclopedia  of  Knowledge  and  Compen 
dium  of  Literature,  Science  and  Art  should  be  in 
every  home,  in  every  store,  in  every  office.  To  be  with 
out  it  is  to  be  like  a  rudderless  air  ship  tossed  by  the 
waves  of  the  relentless  ocean.  It  contains  a  fact  for 
every  day  in  the  year,  for  every  moment  of  life,  any 
one  of  which  is  worth  the  price  of  the  book  many 
times  over.  This  book,"  he  said — and  then  his  eyes, 
which  had  been  gazing  far  into  the  sky  over  Miss 
Sally's  house,  returned  to  the  eyes  of  Mrs.  Smith — "  I 
am  going  to  sell  Mr.  Skinner  a  copy  of  this  book." 

In  spite  of  her  disappointment  in  him  Mrs.  Smith, 
the  authoress,  felt  a  thrill  of  pleasure  in  the  discovery 
of  such  an  admirable  type — a  book  agent  who  could 
see  in  the  midst  of  love,  courtship,  conspiracy  and 
trouble  only  his  book  and  a  chance  to  sell  it.  But  she 
was  deeply  disappointed. 

"  Then  you  desert  Miss  Sally,"  she  repeated  sadly. 

"  Mrs.  Smith,"  said  Eliph',  reaching  into  his  pocket 


ACCORDING     TO     JARBY'S       243 

and  laying  a  handful  of  thick  greasy  manila  envelopes 
in  her  lap,  "  these  are  my  bank  books.  Six,  containing 
the  sum  of  seventeen  thousand  four  hundred  and 
eighty-two  dollars  and  forty-six  cents,  and  all  this 
I  lay  at  Miss  Sally's  feet  if  I  do  not  succeed  in  selling 
a  copy  of  Jarby's  Encyclopedia  this  afternoon.  If 
sold,  the  matter  is  settled." 

When  Eliph'  reached  the  business  part  of  Main 
Street  he  turned  into  Skinner's  butcher  shop  and 
halted  at  the  counter.  The  butcher  was  at  work  in 
the  back  room,  and  he  put  his  head  out  and,  seeing 
who  had  called,  shook  it. 

"  No  books,"  he  said  shortly.  "  I  never  buy  books. 
I  didn't  buy  them  Sir  Walter  Scotts  even.  No 
books." 

Eliph'  coughed  his  deprecatory  little  cough  and 
walked  behind  the  counter  and  to  the  door  of  the 
back  room. 

"  So  I  understood,"  he  said.  "  I  heard  at  Franklin 
that  you  didn't  buy  books;  it  was  mentioned  to  me 
that  I  would  be  wasting  my  time  in  calling  on  you. 
They  said  you  was  known  all  over  the  State  as  not 
buying  books,  and  many  admired  your  self-restraint 
in  not  buying.  They  said  it  was  wonderful.  That's 
why  I  never  called  on  you  to  buy.  But  I  didn't  come 


KILO 

to  sell  you  a  book.  I  wanted  to  ask  if  you  knew 
William  Rossiter?" 

"  William  Rossiter  ?  "  asked  Skinner,  perplexed, 
coming  out  of  the  back  room.  "  Who's  William  Ros 
siter?  " 

Eliph'  laid  his  book  on  the  chopping  block. 

"  William  Rossiter,  agent,"  he  said.  "  He  was  here 
once.  He  was  the  man  that  stopped  with  Miss  Sally 
Briggs  a  while.  I  thought  maybe  you  knew  him.  He's 
dead.  I  thought  maybe  you'd  be  interested  to  know 
it." 

A  light  dawned  on  the  butcher.  William  Rossiter 
must  have  been  the  man  that  left  the  lung-testers  at 
Miss  Sally's. 

"  I'm  glad  he's  dead,"  he  said.  "  I  don't  know  any 
body  I'd  sooner  have  it  happen  to." 

"Don't  say  that!"  exclaimed  Eliph'.  "If  you 
only  knew  how  he  died,  poor  young  man,  you  wouldn't 
say  it.  He  burned  to  death." 

"  Well,"  said  the  butcher,  "  I  don't  know  as  I  care 
how  he  died.  I  can't  say  I'm  sorry.  I  guess  he  cost 
me  a  hundred  dollars.  I've  got  to  go  to  law  for  it  if 
I  ever  want  to  see  it  again.  I  guess  he  deserved  to 
die,  for  the  trouble  he  has  made  in  this  town." 

Eliph'  placed  his  hand  on  the  sample  copy  of 
Jarby's. 


ACCORDING     TO     JARBY'S       245 

"  I  will  tell  you  how  he  died,"  he  said  briskly. 

"  No,  you  won't,"  said  Skinner  angrily,  waving  his 
hand  toward  the  door;  "you  won't  tell  me  nothin'. 
I've  heard  of  these  stories  of  yours,  I  have.  You  want 
to  sell  me  one  of  them  books,  and  you'll  talk  away  at 
me  about  this  Rossiter  feller,  and  the  first  thing  I 
know  you'll  have  me  down  for  a  book.  But  you  won't, 
for  if  you  don't  get  right  out  of  that  door  I'm  goin' 
to  put  you  out." 

"  All  right,"  said  Eliph'  cheerfully,  picking  up  his 
book,  "  if  that's  the  way  you  feel  about  it  I  won't 
take  up  your  time  telling  you  about  Bill  Rossiter. 
Only  I  thought  you'd  like  to  know  how  it  happened 
he  was  burned  up  in  a  theater  when  there  was  two 
dozen  as  good  fire-extinguishers,  right  at  hand,  as 
there  is  in  the  world.  But  I  won't  intrude.  I  know 
myself  too  well,  and  I  know  I  might  happen  to  get 
to  talking  books  before  I  thought.  You  see,"  he  said, 
as  if  apologizing  for  himself,  "  I  can't  forget  how 
this  book  saved  my  life,  and  might  have  saved  the  life 
of  Bill  Rossiter,  too,  if  he  had  had  a  copy,  the  price 
being  only  five  dollars,  bound  in  cloth,  one  dollar  down 
and  one  dollar  a  month  until  paid." 

"  There,"  said  Skinner,  as  if  Eliph'  had  offended 
him,  "  you  are  talkin'  books  right  now,  like  I  said 
you  would." 


246  KILO 

"Was  I?"  asked  Eliph'.  "And  all  I  started  out 
to  say  was  that  I  met  Bill  Rossiter  in  St.  Louis  just 
after  he  had  run  away  from  here.  He  told  me  all 
about  it,  and  wept  on  my  shoulder  as  he  told  me  how 
it  pained  him  to  have  to  skip  that  way.  He  said  it 
wasn't  as  if  he  could  have  left  Miss  Briggs  anything 
that  she  could  use,  but — lung-testers !  He  asked  me 
what  a  town  like  Kilo  could  do  with  lung-testers,  and 
he  felt  awful  about  it.  Said  he  couldn't  bear  to  look 
at  a  lung-tester  any  more,  they  made  him  feel  so 
ashamed,  and  what  made  it  all  the  worse  was  that  he 
had  to  look  at  them  all  day." 

"I  should  think  they  would,"  said  the  butcher 
Heartily.  "  It  makes  me  sick  to  see  them.  But  why  did 
he  do  it  if  he  didn't  like  it?  " 

"  I  was  just  going  to  tell  you  that,"  said  Eliph', 
putting  down  his  book  again.  "  You  see,  when  he  left 
here  he  went  right  to  St.  Louis,  that  being  where  his 
home  was,  and  that  was  how  he  happened  to  have 
lung-testers  with  him  when  he  was  here.  His  father 
made  them.  That  was  his  father's  business.  He  was 
in  the  lung-tester  manufacturing  business.  So  when 
Bill  Rossiter  left  here  he  went  right  home  to  his 
father,  which  was  the  wise  thing  to  do." 

"  Went  home  to  sponge  on  the  old  man,  I  sup 
pose,"  said  Skinner. 


ACCORDING    TO    JARBY'S 

"  Just  so,"  agreed  Eliph',  "  and  that  was  how  I 
happened  to  meet  him.  There  was  a  man  there  in  St. 
Louis  by  the  name  of  Hopper — Darius  Hopper — and 
he  owned  the  Imperial  Theater  and  Museum.  He  was 
an  old  friend  of  mine,  and  I  had  sold  him  a  copy  of 
Jarby's  Encyclopedia  of  Knowledge  and  Compen 
dium  of  Literature,  Science  and  Art  away  back  in 
1874,  and  as  soon  as  he  heard  I  was  stopping  in  St. 
Louis  he  sent  around  to  the  hotel  and  begged  me  to 
come  around  to  the  museum  and  give  readings  out  of 
Jarby's  to  the  people  that  come  into  the  museum.  He 
said  that  it  would  draw  bigger  crowds  in  a  cultured 
city  like  St.  Louis  than  would  come  to  see  a  two- 
headed  calf  or  a  fat  women's  race,  being  a  course  of 
readings  that  would  instruct,  entertain  and  please, 
and  he  asked  me  to  name  my  own  price." 

"  I  should  call  him  a  fool,"  said  Skinner  scornfully. 

"  He  wasn't,"  said  Eliph'.  "  It  took  splendid.  But 
I  wouldn't  let  him  pay  me  a  cent.  I  said  I  considered 
it  my  sacred  duty  to  make  as  many  people  as  I  could 
love  and  know  Jarby's,  and  that  I  was  doing  my  best 
to  better  the  world  that  way,  and  was  glad  to  do  it 
free  gratis,  because  in  a  big  place  like  St.  Louis  there 
were  many  that  could  not  afford  even  the  small  price 
of  one  dollar  down  and  one  dollar  a  month,  which  is 
all  that  is  asked  for  this  splendid  volume,  containing 


248  KILO 

all  the  wisdom  of  the  world,  from  the  earliest  days  to 
the  present  time,  neatly  bound  in  cloth,  and  I  felt  I 
was  helping  the  cause  of  progress  by  reading  them  a 
few  chapters.  I  began  at  page  one,"  continued  Eliph', 
opening  the  book  in  his  hands,  "  skipping  the  alle 
gorical  frontispiece  in  three  colors,  and  the  index  in 
which  ten  thousand " 

"  I  thought  you  was  goin'  to  tell  me  about  William 
Rossiter,"  said  the  butcher  suspiciously. 

"  So  I  am,"  said  Eliph'.  "  William  Rossiter  was  on 
the  third  floor  of  the  Theater  and  Museum  building, 
for  that  was  the  job  his  father  hunted  up  for  him. 
William  was  in  charge  of  the  penny-in-the-slot  ma 
chines  of  all  kinds,  a  full  description  of  which  will  be 
found  in  this  book  under  the  head  of  '  Machines,  Auto 
matic,'  including  a  description  of  how  made,  how  to 
use,  and  how  to  repair.  In  fact,  there  is  nothing  in 
the  way  of  information,  from  how  to  tell  the  weight 
of  a  baby  by  measuring  its  waist,  to  the  age,  size  and 
history  of  the  immortal  pyramids  of  Egypt,  one  of 
the  seven  wonders  of  the  world,  that  this  book  does 
not  contain.  It  interests  alike  the  student  and  the 
business  man.  And,"  he  continued  quickly  as  Skin 
ner  was  about  to  interrupt  him,  "  among  the  slot  ma 
chines  of  which  William  Rossiter  had  charge  were 
twenty-four  lung-testers." 


ACCORDING     TO    JARBY'S       249 

"Twenty-four!"  exclaimed  Skinner.  "Them  St. 
Louis  folks  must  like  to  test  their  lungs !  " 

"  No,"  said  Eliph',  "  they  don't,  and  that  is  what 
makes  me  feel  so  bad  about  William  Rossiter.  The  St. 
Louis  people  didn't  care  for  lung-testers  at  all.  They 
crowded  pennies  into  all  the  other  machines,  but  they 
would  just  go  up  to  the  lung-testers  and  sort  of  sniff 
at  them,  and  walk  away  without  trying  them.  So  there 
those  twenty-four  lung-testers  stood,  useless  to  man 
and  beast,  all  in  a  row,  doing  nobody  any  good,  and 
there  I  was  on  the  floor  below  reading  out  of  a  book 
that  would  have  told  Bill  Rossiter  how  to  make  those 
lung-testers  worth  their  weight  in  gold,  and  would 
have  saved  his  life.  And  to  think  he  could  have  bought 
this  book  for  the  small  nominal  sum  of " 

"  You  said  that  once,"  said  Skinner.  "  Five  dollars ; 
one  dollar  down,  and  one  dollar  a  month  until  paid." 

"  Bound  in  cloth,"  said  Eliph'.  "  Seven  fifty  if  in 
morocco  leather.  So  at  the  very  minute  that  the  fire 
broke  out " 

"  Fire !  "  said  Skinner ;  "  what  fire?  You  didn't  say 
anything  about  a  fire." 

"  The  fire  in  the  theater  and  museum,"  said  Eliph'. 
"  It  started  right  on  the  stairs  between  the  second 
and  third  floors,  and  the  old  building  flared  up  like 
dry  paper.  Two  or  three  men  that  was  trying  the  slot 


250  KILO 

machines  saw  the  smoke  and  run  for  the  lung-testers, 
thinking  by  the  look  they  were  fire-extinguishers, 
which  was  the  most  natural  mistake  in  the  world.  The 
looks  of  them  would  fool  anybody,  but  they  were  lung- 
testers,  and  there  that  old  building  was,  with  twenty- 
four  lung-testers  in  it,  and  not  one  fire-extinguisher. 
After  that  fire  they  passed  an  ordinance  compelling 
every  theater  to  have  four  fire-extinguishers." 

"  And  do  they  have  them?  "  asked  Skinner. 

"  Every  first-class  theater  and  opera  house  does, 
all  over  the  United  States,"  said  Eliph'.  "  But  the 
odd  thing  was  that  at  the  very  moment  the  fire  broke 
out  I  had  this  book  open  at  page  416, '  Fire — Its  Tra 
ditions — How  to  Make  a  Fire  Without  Matches — 
Fire  Fighting — Fire  Extinguishers,  How  Made.'  I 
was  reading  to  those  people  how  to  make  a  fire-ex 
tinguisher  at  home  out  of  common  chemicals  and  any 
suitable  nickel-plated  can,  that  would  be  as  good  as 
the  best  sold  in  any  store,  and  right  as  I  read  it  I 
thought  how  easy  it  would  be  for  any  man  or  child 
to  turn  those  twenty-four  useless  lung-testers  on  the 
third  floor  into  first-class  fire-extinguishers,  by  fol 
lowing  the  simple  directions  set  down  on  page  418, 
at  a  cost  of  only  about  twenty-six  cents  each " 

Skinner  held  out  his  hand  for  the  book. 

"  Let  me  have  a  look  at  that  book,"  he  said. 


ACCORDING    TO     JARBY'S       251 

Eliph'  picked  up  the  book  and  tucked  it  under  his 
arm. 

"  And  at  that  minute  came  the  cry  of  « Fire ! '  " 
he  said.  "  And  I  thought  of  poor  Bill  Rossiter  up 
there  on  the  third  floor,  shut  off  from  all  hope  of 
rescue " 

Skinner  reached  down  to  his  cash  drawer  and  pulled 
it  open.  He  took  out  a  dollar  bill  and  held  it  toward 
Eliph'.  The  book  agent  ignored  it. 

"  Think  of  it,"  he  said.  "  Bill  Rossiter  on  the  third 
floor,  burning  up,  and  me  on  the  floor  below  with  this 
book  in  my  hand  reading  off  of  page  418  the  names 
of  the  simple  ingredients  that  would " 

"  Mebby  I  might  as  well  pay  the  whole  five  right 
now,"  said  Skinner,  taking  four  more  dollars  out  of 
his  drawer.  "  Could  you  leave  that  book  with  me?  " 

"  I  will,  as  a  special  favor,"  said  Eliph'. 

"  Well,  say,"  said  Skinner,  "  I'll  be  mortally  obliged 
to  you  if  you  will.  It  will  take  a  mighty  load  off  of 
my  mind." 

And  when  Eliph'  left  the  butcher  shop  he  had,  for 
the  first  time  in  his  life,  sold  his  sample  copy. 


CHAPTER   XVIII 
ANOTHER    TRIAL 

WHEN  Eliph'  stepped  out  of  the  butcher  shop  he 
saw  T.  J.  Jones  across  the  street,  returning  from  his 
interview  with  Mrs.  Smith,  and  the  book  agent  hailed 
him  and  crossed  the  street.  The  editor  wore  a  har 
assed  look  as  Eliph'  stepped  up  to  him,  and  it  deep 
ened  when  Eliph'  asked  him  if  he  had  acceded  to  Mrs. 
Smith's  request. 

"  Hewlitt,"  he  said,  "  I  couldn't  do  it.  I  wanted  to, 
but  I  couldn't.  The  man  was  willing  but  the  editor 
had  to  refuse.  The  press  cannot  sink  the  public  wel 
fare  to  favor  individuals;  once  the  freedom  of  the 
press  is  lost  the  nation  relapses  into  sodden  corrup- 
.  tion.  I  told  Mrs.  Smith  so.  And  besides,  I  have  the 
whole  article  in  type,  too.  I  like  Mrs.  Smith,  and  I 
like  Miss  Sally,  but  the  hissing  cobra  of  corruption 
must  be  crunched  beneath  the  heel  of  a  free  and  in 
dependent  press.  The  Times  must  do  its  duty,  let 
the  chips  fall  where  they  may." 

"  '  The  pen  is  mightier  than  the  sword,'  page  233, 
Apt  Quotations  for  All  Occasions,"  said  Eliph',  "  this 

2,52 


ANOTHER     TRIAL  253 

being  but  one  of  three  thousand  quotations,  arranged 
alphabetically  according  to  subject,  as  '  Bird — in  the 
hand,  Bird — of  a  feather,  Bird — killing  two  with 
one  stone,'  et  cetery,  including  '  Leap — look  before 
you  leap,'  and  '  Sure — be  sure  you're  right,  then  go 
ahead.'  What  do  you  mean  to  print?  " 

The  editor  told  him  all  he  had  been  able  to  gather 
regarding  the  matter  of  the  fire-extinguishers,  and 
as  he  talked  Eliph'  saw  the  butcher  leave  his  shop  and 
enter  the  drug  store — he  was  after  chemicals.  He 
turned  to  the  editor  with  fresh  assurance. 

"  See  page  88,  '  Every  Man  his  Own  Lawyer,'  "  he 
said,  "  giving  all  that  it  is  necessary  for  any  man 
to  know  regarding  the  laws  of  his  native  land,  in 
cluding  laws  of  business,  how  to  draw  up  legal 
papers,  what  constitutes  libel,  et  cetery.  This  one 
division  alone  being  worth  the  whole  cost  of  the  book, 
showing  among  other  things  what  a  paper  should 
print  and  what  it  should  not.  Jarby's  Encyclopedia 
of  Knowledge  and  Compendium  of  Literature, 
Science  and  Art  is  a  marvelous  work,  including  as 
it  does  the  chapter  on  *  Fire — Its  Traditions — How  to 
Make  a  Fire  Without  Matches — Fire  Fighting — Fire 
Extinguishers,  How  Made,'  et  cetery,  containing 
directions  by  which  man,  woman  or  butcher  can  con 
vert  lung-testers  into  approved  fire-extinguishers  at 


254,  KILO 

a  cost  of  only  twenty-six  cents.    It  is  a  good  book. 
I  just  sold  Mr.  Skinner  one." 

He  watched  the  editor's  face  as  the  meaning  of  his 
words  dawned  on  it,  and  added: 

"  Miss  Briggs  has  a  copy,  morocco  binding,  in 
cluding  among  ten  thousand  and  one  subjects  *  What 
Constitutes  Libel.'  " 

"  Then  those  fire-extinguishers  will  be  all  right, 
after  all?"  said  the  editor.  "You  want  to  look  out 
how  you  trifle  with  the  press.  The  press  never  for 
gives  nor  forgets." 

"  Those  lung-testers,  prepared  according  to 
Jarby's  Encyclopedia  of  Knowledge  and  Compend 
ium  of  Literature,  Science  and  Art,  would  put  out 
the  flames  of  the  fiery  furnace  prepared  for  Shadrach, 
Meschach  and  Abednego,  mentioned  in  '  Bible  Tales,' 
Condensed  and  Put  into  Words  of  One  Syllable  for 
Children,'  page  569,  Jarby's  Encyclopedia,"  said 
Eliph'  airily.  "  They  would  satisfy  an  investigation 
committee  of  imps,  or  other  experts." 

The  editor  thought  for  a  minute  and  Eliph'  looked 
at  him  and  smiled,  gently  combing  his  whiskers  with 
his  fingers. 

"  That's  all  right,"  said  the  editor.  "  That  lets 
Miss  Sally  out,  and  it  may  satisfy  Skinner,  but  it 
don't  do  away  with  the  bribery.  Mayor  Stitz  was 


ANOTHER     TRIAL  255 

bribed  and  he  admits  it.  He  says  lie  was,  and  he  brags 
about  it.  Guthrie  bribed  him,  and  I've  got  enough 
left  to  give  Stitz  and  Guthrie  a  good  shot.  I'll  leave 
Skinner  and  Miss  Briggs  out,  but  I'll  go  for  Stitz 
and  Guthrie.  I'll  show  them  that  in  Kilo  the  press  is 
alert,  wide  awake,  and  not  to  be  trifled  with.  I'll 
teach  them  a  lesson." 

"So  do!"  said  Eliph'.  "And  make  Miss  Sally 
mad.  And  make  Mrs.  Smith  mad.  And  make  Miss 
Susan  mad.  And  me.  So  do,  and  have  Toole  tell 
them  that  he  did  not  want  you  to  print  it,  and  that 
he  went  up  and  fought  you  to  get  you  not  to  print 
it.  So  do,  and  instead  of  having  Miss  Sally  and  Mrs. 
Smith  and  me  your  friends,  have  us  run  you  down  to 
Susan.  Instead  of  having  hit  Toole  by  printing  the 
thing  sooner  than  he  wanted,  as  you  did,  print  more, 
and  do  him  a  favor.  Make  him  a  favorite  at  Miss 
Sally's.  So  do,  if  you  want  to.  Or — have  me  go  to 
Miss  Susan  and  say  you  will  not  relent  but  that  there 
is  one  chance — that  she  shall  plead  with  you  herself." 

He  stepped  back  and  looked  at  the  hesitating 
Jones. 

"  Jones,"  he  said,  "  the  way  you  are  acting,  the 
way  you  hesitate,  would  tell  anybody  that  you  have 
not  a  copy  of  Jarby's  Encyclopedia  of  Knowledge 
and  Compendium  of  Literature,  Science  and  Art,  in 


256  KILO 

your  office.  No  man  who  has  read  that  book  would 
lack  wisdom,  that  work  containing  under  one  cover 
all  the  wisdom  in  the  world,  price  five  dollars,  two 
dollars  off  to  the  press.  Buy  a  copy  and  be  sensible." 

Jones  looked  far  down  the  street  toward  his  of 
fice  as  if  the  matter  he  had  there  standing  in  the 
galley  was  begging  him  not  to  desert  it. 

"  Courtship — How  to  Make  Love — How  to  Win 
the  Affections— How  to  Hold  Them  When  Won," 
said  Eliph'.  "  See  Jarby's  giving  advice  to  those  in 
love,  those  wishing  to  win  the  affections,  et  cetery. 
*  If  the  object  of  the  affections  can  be  placed  in  a 
position  where  she  will  be  compelled  to  ask  a  favor, 
the  granting  of  it,  however  slight,  will  advance  the 
cause  of  the  eager  suitor.' ' 

"I  don't  care!"  said  T.  J.  Jones  suddenly.  "I'd 
lose  Skinner's  ad  if  I  printed  that  article,  and  he 
pays  cash." 

"  Mine  too,"  said  Eliph',  "  and  I  was  just  think 
ing  of  doubling  it.  Jarby's  deserves " 

"  That's  all  right,"  said  the  editor,  with  a  sigh  of 
relief.  "  You  needn't  have  Miss  Susan  come  begging 
me.  Just  tell  her  I  gave  up  printing  the  article  be 
cause  you  said  she  wouldn't  like  it." 

"  Don't  throw  away  a  chance,"  urged  Eliph', 
putting  a  hand  on  the  young  man's  arm.  "  Be  wise. 


ANOTHER     TRIAL  257 

Do  as  Jarby's  says.    Be  urged.    I  followed  Jarby's 
advice." 

"Why  are  you — are  you,  too?"  asked  T.  J., 
beaming  upon  him. 

Eliph'  coughed  behind  his  hand. 

"  Yes,"  he  said,  "  Miss  Briggs.  I  followed  Jarby's 
advice — and  won." 

"  Congratulations !  "  said  the  editor.  "  Have  it 
your  own  way  then.  I'll  be  at  Miss  Sally's  after 
supper,  if  Sue  wants  to  coax." 

They  parted,  and  as  Eliph'  walked  happily  toward 
his  boarding  house  he  did  not  realize  that  he  had  not 
won,  nor  that  his  appeal  had  been  rejected  by  Miss 
Sally,  for  he  had  regained  his  faith  in  Jarby's  and 
if  he  had  not  yet  won,  he  felt  that  he  would,  and  that 
was  the  same  thing. 

After  his  supper  Eliph'  felt  that  the  time  had 
come  to  arrange  things  with  Miss  Sally.  There  was 
no  longer  any  cause  for  delay.  He  had  arranged 
the  matter  of  the  fire-extinguishers;  he  had  settled 
the  matter  of  the  Times,  and  he  felt  that  Skinner 
and  the  Colonel  must  have  hurt  by  their  actions  their 
causes  with  Miss  Sally.  They  had,  indeed,  far  more 
than  Eliph'  guessed.  He  repaired  to  his  room  and 
brushed  his  whiskers  carefully.  Never  had  he  ap 
peared  smarter  than  when  he  went  out  of  the  gateless 


258  KILO 

opening  in  Doc  Weaver's  fence,  and  turned  his  face 
toward  Miss  Sally's  home. 

His  way  led  him  past  the  mayor's  little  car,  where 
Stitz  was  on  his  platform  smoking  an  evening  pipe. 
The  mayor  halted  him  with  a  motion  of  his  pipe  stem. 

"  Mister  Hewlitt,"  he  said,  "  you  know  too  that 
joke,  yes?  About  those  lung-testers  was  not  fire- 
extinguishables?  " 

"  That's  all  right,"  said  Eliph',  seeking  to  pass  on, 
"  it  is  all  fixed  up  now.  They  are  fire-extinguishers." 

"  Such  a  fool  business  on  Skinner,"  said  the  mayor 
with  enjoyment.  "And  on  Stitz,  too.  I  thinks  me 
I  am  the  boss  grafter,  and  I  ain't! " 

He  chuckled. 

"  No— o !  "  he  said  cheerfully.  «  But  next  times  I 
makes  no  more  such  fool  mistakes ;  I  make  me  a  real 
boss  grafter.  I  am  now  only  a  boss-fool,  not  boss 
grafter.  So  says  Attorney  Toole.  Money  is  grafts, 
and  houses  and  lots  is  grafts,  and  horses  is  grafts, 
and  buggies,  but,"  and  he  paused  impressively, 
"  apples  isn't,  and  potatoes  isn't,  and  peas  isn't,  and 
chickens  isn't.  Nothing  to  eat  is  grafts.  If  it  is  to 
eat  it  is  not  grafts.  So  says  Attorney  Toole.  Things 
to  eat  is  no  more  grafts  as  lung-testers  is  fire-extin- 
guishables.  So  says  Toole.  So  nobody  won't  prose 
cute  me.  I  stick  me  to  the  mayor  business  yet  a  while. 


ANOTHER     TRIAL  259 

Klops  on  the  head  is  nothings  much ;  all  big  men  gets 
them.  So  says  Attorney  Toole." 

Skinner  was  locking  his  shop  when  Eliph'  passed, 
and  he  stopped  Eliph'  too. 

"  Works  fine,"  he  said.  "  I  tried  a  tomato  canful 
on  a  bonfire  in  the  back  yard,  and  it  put  it  out  like 
a  wink.  That's  a  great  book;  I'm  glad  you  spoke 
about  it.  I  wish  you'd  told  me  about  it  sooner." 

Miss  Sally  was  not  on  the  porch  when  Eliph'  ar 
rived,  for  she  was  still  in  the  kitchen  at  the  supper 
dishes,  but  Mrs.  Smith  and  Susan  were  there,  and 
they  greeted  him  eagerly.  The  little  man  smiled  as 
he  walked  up  to  them,  and  waved  his  hand  in  the  air. 

"You  fixed  it?"  cried  Mrs.  Smith.  "It  is  all 
right  now?  " 

"  Fixed  from  A  to  Z,"  said  Eliph',  as  he  took  a 
seat  on  the  porch  step.  "  All  right  from  the  allegori 
cal  frontispiece  in  three  colors  to  the  back  page. 
Jarby's  wins,  and  error  don't.  Miss  Sally  in  ?  " 

He  heard  the  click  of  the  dishes  as  Miss  Sally  laid 
them  one  by  one  on  the  kitchen  table,  so  he  knew  well 
she  was  in. 

"  It  might  relieve  her  mind  if  I  told  her,"  he 
suggested,  and  Mrs.  Smith  smiled  and  said  it 
might. 

"  Go  right  in,"  she  said,  and  Eliph'  did. 


260  KILO 

He  went  into  the  hall  and  coughed  gently  behind 
his  hand,  and  Miss  Sally  looked  up.  She  wiped  her 
hands  hastily  on  her  blue  gingham  apron,  and  came 
into  the  hall. 

"  Jarby's  fixed  it,"  he  said,  and  rapidly  related 
what  he  had  done,  with  illustrations  in  the  way  of 
quotations  from  the  titles  and  sub-titles  of  Jarby's. 
"  When  you  have  a  moment  to  spare,"  he  added,  "  I 
would  like  to  speak  to  you.  I  want  to  tell  you  some 
thing  about  Jarby's  Encyclopedia  of  Knowledge 
and  Compendium  of  Literature,  Science  and  Art,  a 
copy  of  which  I  see  lying  on  your  parlor  table,  form 
ing  an  adornment  to  the  home  both  useful  and 
helpful." 

"  Well,  I  don't  want  no  books,"  said  Miss  Sally. 
"  I've  got  one  copy,  and  that  ought  to  be  enough  to 
adorn  any  home.  And  I've  got  to  get  these  dishes 
washed  sometime.  I've  let  the  fire  go  out,  and  the 
water  will  be  cold.  If  there's  anything  important 
you  want  to  say  about  that  book,  you  can  go  out 
and  wait  till  I  get  the  dishes  done." 

"  It's  about  how  to  get  the  best  use  out  of  it," 
said  Eliph'.  "  I'll  go  out  and  wait.  It's  something 
everybody  that  has  a  copy  ought  to  know." 

He  went  out  as  she  said,  and  found  Susan  alone 
on  the  porch.  Mrs.  Smith  was  at  the  gate,  and  he 


ANOTHER     TRIAL  261 

could  see  her  white  dress  in  the  evening  darkness. 
Susan  sat  with  a  knitted  shawl  about  her  shoulders, 
for  the  evenings  were  already  growing  chill,  so  long 
had  Eliph's  courtship  lengthened  out.  He  could  not 
have  had  a  better  opportunity  to  speak  to  Susan 
alone,  and  he  warned  her  of  the  "  piece  "  T.  J.  had 
threatened  to  publish  in  the  morning,  and  of  the  dis 
grace  and  sorrow  it  would  bring  to  Miss  Sally.  The 
girl  listened  eagerly  and  her  indignation  grew  as  he 
went  on,  so  that  he  had  to  veer,  and  expatiate  on  the 
virtues  of  T.  J.  and  the  right  of  the  modern  press 
to  meddle  in  private  affairs  when  it  wants  to. 

"And  can't  anything  be  done?"  asked  Susan. 
"Why  don't  somebody  do  something?  I  didn't 
think  Thomas  was  like  that." 

"He  isn't,"  admitted  Eliph'  heartily.  "But  he 
needs  coaxing.  If  you  were  to  coax  him  he  might 
see  how  wrong  he  is.  I  shouldn't  wonder  if  he  would 
come  up  here  to-night,  looking  for  me,  being  inter 
ested  in  Jarby's  Encyclopedia  and  anxious  to  get 
a  copy  at  the  reduced  price  of  two  dollars  off, 
offered  to  the  press  only.  If  he  does,  try  to  move 
him." 

"  I  will,"  said  Susan.  "  And  if  he  publishes  that 
piece,  I'll  never  speak  to  him  again." 

Eliph'  was  still  sitting  there  when  T,  J.  came,  and 


262  KILO 

when  Susan  proposed  a  walk  down  to  the  corner  he 

knew  that  it  would  be  all  right  with  T.  J.  Jones.   A 

light   coming   suddenly   over  his  shoulder  from  the 

parlor  behind  him  told  him  that  Miss  Sally  was  ready 

to  receive  him,  and  he  took  his  hat  and  went  into  the 

house. 

Miss  Sally  was  sitting  in  the  rocker  with  the  cross- 
stitch  cover,  and  Eliph'  took  a  seat  at  the  opposite 
side  of  the  center-table  and  lifted  the  morocco  bound 
copy  of  Jarby's  from  its  place  beside  the  shell  box. 
The  kerosene  lamp  glowed  between  them,  and  he 
drew  closer  to  the  table  and  laid  the  book  gently  on 
his  knees.  Miss  Sally  sat  straight  upright  in  her 
chair  and  looked  at  the  little  book  agent. 

"  This  book,"  he  said,  looking  up  at  her  with  eyes 
in  which  kindness  and  business  mingled,  "  although 
sold,  in  this  handsome  binding,  for  seven  fifty,  is 
worth,  to  one  who  understands  it,  its  weight  in  gold. 
It  holds  a  help  for  every  hour  and  a  hint  for  every 
minute  of  the  day.  It  furnishes  wisdom  for  a  lifetime. 
I  read  it  and  study  it ;  for  every  difficulty  of  my  life 
it  furnishes  a  solution.  Corns?  It  tells  how  to  cure 
them.  Food?  It  tells  how  to  cook  it.  Love?  It  tells 
how  to  make  it.  But,"  he  said,  laying  his  hand  af 
fectionately  on  the  morocco  cover,  "  to  be  understood 
it  must  be  read.  To  read  it  well  is  to  admire  and 


ANOTHER     TRIAL  263 

cherish  it,  and  yet,  only  this  morning  I  was  about  to 
tear  my  copy  of  this  priceless  volume  to  pieces  and 
scatter  it  to  the  four  winds  of  heaven." 

He  paused  to  let  this  awful  fact  sink  into  Miss 
Sally's  mind. 

"  Yes,"  he  continued,  "  I  was  about  to  turn  away 
from  the  best  friend  I  have  in  the  world  and  declare 
to  one  and  all  that  Jarby's  Encyclopedia  of  Knowl 
edge  and  Compendium  of  Literature,  Science  and 
Art  was  a  fraud!  When  I  left  your  home  yesterday 
I  was  full  of  anger.  I  was  mad  at  Jarby's  Encyclo 
pedia  of  Knowledge  and  Compendium  of  Literature, 
Science  and  Art.  I  had  trusted  to  its  words  and 
directions,  as  set  forth  in,  Courtship — How  to  Make 
Love — How  to  Win  the  Affections — How  to  Hold 
Them  When  Won,'  and  you  sent  me  away.  I  went 
away  a  different  man  than  I  had  come,  and  resolved 
to  go  away  from  Kilo,  and  never  to  sell  another  copy 
of  this  book.  I  resolved  to  take  the  sale  of  '  Hicks' 
Facts  for  the  Million,'  a  book,  although  greater  in 
cost,  containing  by  actual  count  sixteen  thousand 
less  words  than  this. 

"  I  went  to  my  room  at  Doc  Weaver's,"  he  con 
tinued,  "  and  seized  my  copy  of  this  work  from  where 
it  lay  on  my  bureau.  I  called  it  names.  I  told  it  it 
was  a  cheat  and  a  liar.  Yes,  Miss  Sally,  I  let  my 


264  KILO 

angry  passions  rise  against  this  poor,  innocent  book. 
I  believed  it  had  advised  me  faLuy.  I  had  trusted  to 
its  words  and  had  done  as  it  said  to  do,  and  you  had 
sent  me  away,  not  in  anger,  but  in  sorrow,  but  just  as 
much  away.  I  picked  up  the  book  and  opened  it, 
grasping  it  in  two  hands  to  tear  it  asunder." 

He  opened  the  book  and  showed  her  how  he  had 
grasped  it. 

"  I  pulled  it  to  tear  it  in  two,"  he  said,  raising  the 
book  and  pulling  it  in  the  direction  of  asunder,  "  but 
it  would  not  rip.  It  was  bound  too  well,  the  copies 
bound  in  cloth  at  five  dollars,  one  dollar  down  and 
one  dollar  a  month  until  paid,  being  bound  as  firmly 
as  the  more  expensive  copies  at  seven  fifty.  I  pulled 
harder  and  the  book  came  level  with  my  nose.  I  saw 
it  had  opened  at  *  Courtship — How  to  Make  Love,' 
and  I  said,  c  While  I  am  getting  my  breath  to  give 
this  book  another  pull,  why  not  read  the  lie  that  is 
written  here  once  more?  It  will  give  me  strength  to 
rend  it  asunder.'  So  I  read  it." 

He  looked  at  Miss  Sally  and  saw  that  she  was  show 
ing  no  signs  of  being  bored. 

"  I  held  the  book  like  this,"  he  said,  showing  how 
he  held  it,  "  and  read.  All  that  it  said  to  do  I  had 
done  and  my  anger  grew  stronger,  But  I  turned  the 
page !  I  saw  there  words  I  had  not  seen  before ;  words 


ANOTHER     TRIAL 

that  told  me  I  had  tried  to  tear  my  best  friend  to 
pieces.  I  sank  into  a  chair  trembling  like  a  leaf.  I 
felt  like  a  man  jerked  back  from  the  edge  of  Niagara 
Falls,  a  full  description  and  picture  of  that  wonder 
of  nature  being  given  in  this  book  among  other  nat 
ural  masterpieces.  I  weakly  lifted  the  book  back 
again  and  read  those  golden  words." 

"What  was  it?"  asked  Miss  Sally,  leaning  for 
ward. 

" '  Courtship — How  to  Make  Love — How  to  Win 
the  Affections— How  to  Hold  Them  When  Won.' " 
said  Eliph',  turning  to  the  proper  page.  "  And  the 
words  I  read  were  these :  '  The  lover  should  not  be 
utterly  cast  down  if  he  be  refused  upon  first  appeal 
ing  for  the  dear  one's  hand.  A  first  refusal  often 
means  little  or  nothing.  A  lady  frequently  uses  this 
means  to  test  the  reality  of  the  passion  the  lover  has 
professed,  and  in  such  a  case  a  refusal  is  often  a 
most  hopeful  sign.  Unless  the  refusal  has  been  ac 
companied  by  very  evident  signs  of  dislike,  the  lover 
should  try  again.  If  at  the  third  trial  the  fair  one 
still  denies  his  suit,  he  had  better  seek  elsewhere  for 
happiness,  but  until  the  third  test  he  should  not  be 
discouraged.  The  first  refusal  may  be  but  the  proof 
of  a  finer  mind  than  common  in  the  lady.'  " 

Eliph'  removed  his  spectacles  and  laid  them  care- 


266  KILO 

fully  in  the  pages  of  the  book,  which  he  closed  and 
placed  gently  on  the  center-table. 

"  Having  read  that,"  he  said,  "  I  saw  that  I  had 
done  this  work  a  wrong.  I  had  read  it  hastily  and 
had  missed  the  most  important  words.  I  felt  the  joy 
of  life  returning  to  me.  I  remembered  that  you  were 
a  lady  of  finer  mind  than  common,  and  I  understood 
why  you  had  refused  me.  I  resolved  to  stay  in  Kilo 
and  justify  Jarby's  Encyclopedia  of  Knowledge  and 
Compendium  of  Literature,  Science  and  Art  by 
giving  it  another  trial.  And  now,"  he  said,  placing 
his  hand  on  the  book  where  it  lay  on  the  table  and 
leaning  forward  to  gaze  more  closely  into  Miss  Sally's 
face,  while  she  faced  him  with  quickened  pulse,  and  a 
blush,  "  now,  I  want  to  ask  you  again,  will  you  put 

your  name  down  for  a  copy  of  this  work "  He 

stopped,  appalled  at  what  he  had  said,  and  stared  at 
Miss  Sally  for  one  moment  foolishly,  while  over  her 
face  spread  not  a  frown  of  anger  or  contempt,  but  a 
pleasant  smile  of  friendly  amusement. 

"  Not  the  book,"  he  said,  "  but  me." 

Miss  Sally  looked  at  the  eager  eyes  that  were  not 
only  serious,  but  sincere  and  kind. 

"Well,  Mister  Hewlitt,"  she  said,  "I  guess  I'll 
have  to  marry  someone  some  time  so  I  might  as  well 
marry  you  as  anybody.  But  I  don't  think  pa  will 


ANOTHER  TRIAL  267 

ever  give  consent  to  havin'  a  book  agent  in  the  family. 
He  hates  book  agents  worse  than  I  used  to." 

"You  don't  any  more,"  said  Eliph',  putting  his 
hand  very  far  across  the  table. 

"  Well,  no,  I  don't,"  said  Miss  Sally  graciously, 
"  not  all  of  'em." 


CHAPTER  XIX 
PAP    BRIGGS'    HEN    FOOD 

THE  doubt  that  Miss  Sally  had  expressed  regard 
ing  Pap  Briggs'  acceptance  of  Eliph'  Hewlitt  as  a 
son-in-law  was  mild  as  compared  with  the  fact.  When 
the  old  man  returned  the  next  day  from  his  farm  at 
Clarence  and  learned  from  Miss  Sally  that  she  had 
promised  to  marry  the  book  agent  he  was  furiously 
angry.  For  two  whole  days  he  refused  to  wear  his 
store  teeth  at  all,  and  when  he  recovered  from  his  first 
height  of  anger  it  was  to  settle  down  into  a  hard  and 
fast  negative.  He  went  about  town  telling  anyone 
that  would  listen  to  him  that  there  ought  to  be  licenses 
against  book  agents,  and  once  having  made  up  his 
mind  that  Miss  Sally  should  not  marry  Eliph'  as 
long  as  he  remained  alive  to  prevent  it,  not  even  the 
friendly  approaches  of  the  book  agent  could  move 
him  from  his  stubborn  resolution.  Miss  Sally  would 
not  think  of  marrying  while  her  father  was  in  such 
a  state  of  opposition,  and  indeed,  Eliph'  did  not  urge 
it.  He  had  no  desire  to  defy  his  father-in-law,  and  he 
unwillingly  but  kindly  agreed  to  wait. 

268 


PAP     BRIGGS'     HEN     FOOD       269 

In  this  way  the  autumn  faded  Into  winter.  Mrs. 
Tarbro-Smith  returned  to  New  York  with  a  note-book 
full  of  dialect  and  a  head  full  of  local  color  and 
types,  and  if  she  took  Susan  with  her  it  was  only  be 
cause  she  agreed  to  bring  her  back  in  June,  when  T. 
J.  Jones  was  to  marry  her.  Miss  Sally  lived  on  with 
her  father,  attending  to  his  wants,  which  were  few 
and  simple.  An  egg  for  breakfast,  and  enough  to 
bacco  to  burn  all  day  were  his  chief  earthly  desires, 
eggs  because  he  could  eat  them  in  comfort,  and  to 
bacco  because  he  liked  it. 

When  Miss  Sally  had  moved  to  town  there  was  one 
thing  she  had  said  her  father  shouldn't  do,  after 
living  all  his  life  on  a  farm,  and  that  was,  have  store 
eggs  for  his  breakfast. 

"  Hens  is  trouble  enough,  Lord  knows,"  said  Miss 
Sally,  "  an'  dirty,  if  they  can't  be  kep'  in  their  place ; 
but  there's  some  comfort  in  their  cluckin'  round,  and 
I  guess  I'll  have  plenty  of  time,  and  to  spare,  to  tend 
to  'em ;  so,  Pap,  you  won't  have  to  eat  no  stale  eggs 
for  breakfast,  if  I  kin  help  it.  They  ain't  nothin'  I 
hate  to  think  on  like  boughten  eggs.  Nobody  knows 
how  old  they  are,  nor  who's  been  a-handlin'  them; 
and  eat  boughten  eggs  you  shan't  do,  sure's  my 
name's  Briggs ! " 

So  Sally  brought  half  a  dozen  hens  and  a  gallant 


270  KILO 

rooster  to  town  with  her,  and  supervised  the  erection 

of   a    cozy   coop   and  hen-yard,   and  Pap   had  the 

comfort    of    knowing    his    eggs    were    fresh.     But 

fresh  or  not,  it  made  no  difference  to  him  so  long 

as   he  had  one  each  morning,   and  it  was   fairly 

edible. 

"  These  teeth  o'  mine,"  he  told  Billings,  the  gro 
cer,  "  cost  twelve  dollars  down  to  Franklin,  by  the 
best  dentist  there;  but,  law  sakes!  a  feller  can't  eat 
hard  stuff  with  any  comfort  with  'em  for  fear  of 
breakin'  'em  every  minute.  They  ain't  nothin'  but 
chiney,  an'  you  know  how  chiney's  the  breakiest  thing 
man  ever  made.  That's  why  I  say,  6  Give  me  eggs  for 
breakfast,  Sally,' — and  eggs  I  will  have." 

The  six  hens  did  their  duty  nobly  during  the  sum 
mer  and  autumn  and  a  part  of  the  winter,  and  Pap 
had  his  egg  unfailingly;  but  in  December  the  long 
cold  spell  came,  and  the  six  hens  struck.  It  was  the 
longest  and  coldest  spell  ever  known  in  Kilo,  and  it 
hung  on  and  hung  on  until  the  entire  hen  population 
of  Eastern  Iowa  became  disgusted  and  went  on  a 
strike.  Eggs  went  up  in  price  until  even  packed  eggs 
of  the  previous  summer  sold  for  twenty-seven  and 
thirty  cents  a  dozen,  and  angel-cake  became  an  im 
possible  dainty. 

The  second  morning  that  Pap  Briggs  ate  his  egg- 


PAP  BEIGGS'  HEN  FOOD  271 
less  breakfast  he  suggested  that  perhaps  Sally  might 
buy  a  few  eggs  at  the  grocery. 

"  Pap  Briggs,"  she  exclaimed  reproachfully,  "  the 
idee  of  you  sayin'  sich  a  thing!  As  if  I  would  cook 
packed  eggs !  No ;  we'll  wait,  and  mebby  the  hens  will 
begin  layin'  again  in  a  day  or  two." 

But  they  did  not,  and  the  days  became  a  week,  and 
two  weeks,  and  still  no  eggs  rewarded  her  daily  search. 
Pap  knew  better  than  to  repeat  his  suggestion  of 
buying  eggs,  for  Sally  Briggs  said  a  thing  only 
when  she  meant  it,  and  to  mention  it  again  would  only 
exasperate  her. 

"  Our  hens  don't  lay  a  blame  egg,"  Pap  told  Bill 
ings  complainingly,  "  and  Sally  won't  buy  eggs,  and 
I  can't  eat  nothin'  but  eggs  for  breakfast,  so  I  reckon 
I'll  jist  have  to  naturally  starve  to  death." 

"Why  don't  you  try  some  of  our  hen-food?'* 
asked  Billings,  taking  up  a  package  and  reading 
from  the  label.  "  *  Guaranteed  to  make  hens  lay  in 
all  kinds  of  weather,  the  coldest  as  well  as  the  warm 
est.'  That's  just  what  you  want,  Pap." 

"  Well,"  said  Pap,  "  I  been  keepin'  hens  off  and 
on  for  nigh  forty  year,  and  /  ain't  ever  seen  any  o' 
the  stuff  that  was  ary  good ;  but  I  got  to  have  eggs 
or  bust,  so  I'll  take  a  can  o'  that  stuff.  But  I  ain't  no 
hopes  of  it,  Billings,  I  ain't  no  hopes." 


272  KILO 

His  pessimism  was  well  founded.  The  cold  spell 
was  too  much  even  for  the  best  hen-food  to  conquer. 
No  eggs  rewarded  him. 

One  evening  he  was  sitting  in  Billings',  smoking  his 
pipe  and  thinking.  He  had  been  thinking  for  some 
time,  and  at  length  a  sparkle  came  into  his  eyes,  and 
he  knocked  the  ashes  from  his  pipe  and  arose. 

"  Billings,"  he  said,  "  mix  me  up  about  a  nickel's 
wuth  o'  corn-meal,  and  a  nickel's  wuth  o'  flour, 
and  " — he  hesitated  a  moment  and  then  chuckled — 
"  and  a  nickel's  wuth  o'  wash-blue." 

"  For  heaven's  sake,  Pap,"  said  Billings,  "  have 
ye  gone  plumb  crazy  ?  " 

"  No,  I  ain't,"  said  Pap.  "  I  ain't  lost  all  my  brains 
yit,  nor  I  ain't  gone  plumb  crazy  yit,  neither.  That's 
a  hen  food  I  invented." 

"  Hen-food !  "  exclaimed  Billings.  "  You  don't  'low 
that  will  make  hens  lay,  do  you,  Pap  ?  " 

"  I  ain't  advisin'  no  one  to  use  it  that  don't  want 
to,"  said  Pap,  "  but  I  bet  you  I'm  a-goin'  to  feed 
that  to  my  hens  " ;  and  he  chuckled  again. 

"  Pap,"  said  Billings,  "  you're  up  to  some  be-devil- 
ment,  sure !  What  is  it  ?  " 

"  You  jist  keep  your  hand  on  your  watch  till  you 
find  out,"  answered  Pap,  and  he  took  his  package  and 
went  home. 


PAP     BRIGGS'     HEN     FOOD       273 

"  Sally,"  he  said  when  he  entered  the  house,  "  I  got 
some  hen-food  now  that's  bound  to  make  them  hens 
lay,  sure." 

She  took  the  package  and  opened  it. 

"  For  law's  sake,  Pap,"  she  said,  "  what  kind  o' 
hen-food  is  this?  It's  blue!  " 

"  Yes,"  said  Pap,  looking  at  it  closely,  "  it  is  blue, 
ain't  it?  It's  a  mixture  of  my  own.  I  ain't  been 
raisin'  hens  off  an'  on  fer  forty  year  for  nothin'. 
You  got  to  study  the  hen,  Sally,  and  think  about 
her.  Why  don't  a  hen  lay  in  cold  weather?  'Cause 
the  weather  makes  the  hen  cold.  This  will  make  her 
warm.  You  jist  try  it.  Give  'em  a  spoonful  apiece, 
an'  I  reckon  they'll  lay.  It  don't  look  like  much, 
but  I  bet  you  anything  it'll  make  them  hens  lay." 

"  I  don't  believe  it,"  she  snapped,  "  and  I'll  hold 
you  to  that  bet,  sure's  my  name's  Briggs."  But  the 
next  day  she  gave  them  the  allotted  portion. 

That  evening  when  Pap  Briggs  knocked  the  ashes 
from  his  pipe  and  rose  from  his  seat  in  Billings'  store, 
he  said,  "  Billings,  have  you  got  some  mainly  fresh 
eggs — eggs  y°u  kin  recommend?  " 

"  Yes,  I  have,"  said  Billings,  with  a  grin.  "  So 
your  hen-food  don't  work,  Pap  ?  " 

Pap  chuckled. 

"  It's  a-workin,"  he  said,  "  and  you  can  give  me 


274  K  I  L  O 

a  dozen  o'  them  eggs.  And,  say,  you  needn't  tell 

Sally." 

Billings  laughed.  "  I'm  on,"  he  said. 

Pap  put  the  bag  of  eggs  back  of  the  cracker-box, 
and  put  three  of  them  in  his  pocket. 

When  he  reached  home  he  quietly  slipped  around 
the  house  and  deposited  the  three  eggs  in  three  nests, 
and  went  in. 

The  next  morning  Sally  greeted  him  with  a  smile. 
"  Eggs  this  mornin',  Pap,"  she  said.  "  That  hen-food 
did  work  like  a  charm.  I  got  three  eggs." 

Pap  ate  without  comment  until  he  had  finished  the 
second  egg.  He  felt  that  he  could  eat  a  dozen,  after 
his  long  fast. 

"  It  do  seem  good  to  have  eggs  agin,"  he  said. 

That  evening,  and  the  next  evening  he  deposited 
three  eggs  as  before.  On  the  third  morning  Sally  said : 
"  It's  queer  about  them  hens,  Pap ;  they  lay,  but  they 
don't  cluck  like  a  hen  generally  does  when  she  lays 
an  egg." 

Pap  hesitated  for  a  moment. 

"  It's  sich  cold  weather,"  he  said,  "  I  reckon  that's 
why." 

About  a  week  later  Sally  said :  "  I  do  declare  to 
gracious,  Pap,  them  hens  do  puzzle  me." 

Pap  moved  uneasily  in  his  seat. 


PAP     BRIGGS'     HEN     FOOD       275 

"  They  do  puzzle  me ! "  repeated  Sally.  "  Here 
they  are  layin'  right  along  as  reg'lar  as  summer-time, 
and  never  cluckin'  or  lettin'  on  a  bit,  and  the  queerest 
thing  is  they  jist  lay  three  eggs  every  day.  It  don't 
seem  natural !  " 

That  night  Pap  put  four  eggs  in  the  nests.  The 
next  night  he  put  in  five,  and  the  next  night  three, 
and  the  danger  into  which  his  wiles  had  fallen  was 
averted. 

One  morning  Sally  startled  him  by  saying :  "  Pap, 
I  can't  make  them  hens  out.  Here  they  are  a-layin' 
right  along,  and  all  at  once  they  quit  layin'  decent 
sized  eggs  like  they  ought,  and  begin  layin'  little 
mean  things  no  bigger  than  banty  eggs." 

Pap  scratched  his  head. 

"  You  must  allow,  Sally,"  he  said,  "  that  it's  quite 
a  strain  on  a  hen  to  keep  a-layin'  right  along  through 
such  weather  as  this,  and  I'm  only  thankful  they  lay 
any.  Mebby  if  you  give  them  a  leetle  more  o'  that 
hen-food  they'll  do  better." 

"  I  believe  it,"  said  Sally.  "  Why,  it's  wonderful, 
Pap.  I  shouldn't  be  a  bit  surprised  to  find  'em  layin' 
duck  eggs  if  I  jist  give  'em  enough  o'  that  stuff." 

Pap  looked  closely  at  her  face,  but  it  was  innocent 
of  guile.  She  suspected  nothing. 

The  next  day  the  eggs  were  of  the  proper  size. 


276  KILO 

"  It's  a  real  blessin'  to  have  hens  a-layin',"  she  said 
one  day.  "  I  took  half  a  dozen  over  to  the  minister's 
wife  this  mornin',  and  she  was  so  pleased!  She  said 
it  was  sich  a  blessin'  to  have  fresh  eggs  again.  She 
was  gittin'  so  sick  o'  them  she's  been  buyin'  at  Bil 
lings'.  She  was  downright  thankful." 

About  a  week  later  she  said : 

"  Them  hens  of  ourn  do  beat  all  creation.  I  run 
out  o'  that  hen-food  a  week  ago,  and  I  hain't  give 
them  a  mite  since,  and  they  keep  on  a-layin'  jist  the 
same.  I  can't  make  head  nor  tail  of  them.  Pap." 

Pap  squirmed  in  his  chair. 

"  Pshaw,  now,  Sally,"  he  said,  "  you'd  ought  to 
have  let  me  know  you  was  out.  You  oughtn't  to  do 
that.  Feed  'em  plenty  of  it.  They  deserve  it.  If  you 
stop  feedin'  them  they'll  stop  layin'  pretty  soon.  The 
effect  of  that  hen-food  don't  last  more'n  two  weeks. 
No,"  he  said  thoughtfully,  "  ten  days  is  the  longest 
I  ever  knowed  it  to  last  on  'em." 

If  Pap  Briggs  enjoyed  his  eggs  for  breakfast  he 
en j  oyed  as  fully  the  many  laughs  he  had  with  Billings 
over  the  scheme,  and  Billings  found  it  hard  to  keep 
his  promised  secrecy.  It  would  be  such  a  good  story 
to  tell.  But  Pap  exhorted  him  daily,  and  he  did  not 
let  the  secret  out. 

One  Sunday  morning  Pap  came  down  to  his  break- 


PAP  BRIGGS'  HEN  FOOD  277 
fast  and  took  his  seat.  Sally  brought  his  coffee  and 
bacon.  Then  she  brought  him  a  plate  of  moistened 
toast. 

"  You've  forgot  the  eggs,  Sally,"  said  Pap  ad- 
monishingly. 

"  They  ain't  none  this  morning,"  said  Sally  briefly. 

Pap  looked  up  and  saw  that  her  mouth  was  set  very 
firmly. 

"  No  eggs  ?  "  he  asked  tremulously. 

"  No,"  she  said  decidedly,  "  no  eggs !  I  kin  believe 
that  hens  lay  eggs  and  don't  cluck,  and  I  kin  believe 
that  hens  lay  eggs  all  winter,  and  I  kin  believe  that 
Plymouth  Rock  hens  lay  Leghorn  eggs  and  Shanghai 
eggs  and  Banty  eggs,  Pap,  but  when  hens  begin 
layin'  spoiled  eggs  I  ain't  no  more  faith  in  hens." 

Pap  laid  down  his  knife  and  fork. 

"  Spoiled  eggs  !  "  he  ej  aculated. 

"  Yes,  spoiled  eggs,"  she  declared.  "  You  and  Bil 
lings  ought  to  be  more  careful." 

Pap  turned  his  bacon  over  and  eyed  it  critically. 
Then  he  frowned  at  it.  Then  he  chuckled. 

"  You  needn't  laugh,"  said  Miss  Sally  severely. 
"  You  don't  get  no  more  eggs  until  the  hens  begin 
layin'  regular.  You  can  eat  moistened  toast.  You 
ain't  fair  to  me,  pa.  You  set  up  to  say  who  I  shall 
marry,  when  I'm  old  enough  to  know  for  myself,  and 


278  KILO 

then  you  go  and  cheat  me  about  eggs.  Mebby  I  ain't 
old  enough  to  know  who  to  marry,  but  I'm  old  enough 
to  run  this  house  for  you,  and  you  don't  get  no  more 
eggs.  No  more  eggs  until  spring,  or  until  I  can 
marry  who  I  want  to." 

Pap  looked  at  the  mushy  piece  of  toast  and  grinned 
sheepishly. 

"  You'd  be  worse  off  'n  ever,  Sally,"  he  said 
meekly,  "  if  so  be  you  married  a  man  thet  felt  he 
had  to  hev  eggs  every  morning.  They'd  be  two  of 
us  then." 

"  Well,  I'd  just  have  to  buy  eggs  then,"  she  said, 
"  if  that  come  to  pass.  I  couldn't  expect  these  few 
hens  to  lay  enough  eggs  in  winter  for  two  men.  If  I 
had  to  buy  eggs  for  a  husband,  I'd  buy  them." 

The  old  man  ate  his  toast  slowly  and  without  relish. 

"  Sally,"  he  said  that  afternoon,  "  I  guess  mebby 
you'd  better  git  married.  I'm  gittin'  old.  You'd 
better  marry  that  book  agent  whilst  you've  got  a 
chance." 

It  was  Pap  Briggs  who  urged  an  early  date,  after 
that,  and  who  was  most  joyous  at  the  wedding. 

"  Pap,"  asked  Sally  one  morning  soon  after  she 
and  Eliph'  were  married,  while  the  three  were  sitting 
at  breakfast,  "  what  ever  made  you  swing  round  so 


PAP     BRIGGS'     HEN     FOOD       279 

sudden  and  want  me  to  marry  Eliph',  after  objectin' 
so  long?  " 

Her  father  looked  at  Eliph'  slyly  and  chuckled. 

"  Eggs,"  he  said.  "  I  fooled  you  that  time,  Sally. 
I  knowed  when  I  said  to  go  ahead  that  Eliph'  had  to 
have  eggs  for  breakfast.  Doc  Weaver  told  me  so." 


THE     END 


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